There's Something About Mary Sue

Mary Sue stayed in the hospital for a whole week, where she received the highest number of Get Well cards ever in the history of Hogwarts, plus one shiny toilet seat from Fred and George.

After dropping her off the first night, Harry felt so guilty for what had happened that he couldn't bring himself to visit her again. He did however make her a very brightly colored and decorated card that sang disturbingly like Snape 'You Are So Beautiful To Me.'

Ron came back one night from visiting Mary Sue however and with a very cold look, told Harry, "She wants to see you."

"Really?" Harry gasped.

"Yeah."

"Ooh, but what will I wear?"

"I don't care."

"Ron, you're not helping. Now really, the blue robes or aqua-"

"Sod off."

Shrugging, Harry jauntily strode to his dresser and picked out a very suave looking standard school robe (which all happen to look the same), his favorite one. Yet, a sense of foreboding was certainly in the air as he left. Would Mary Sue come between him and his best friend (GASP!)?

***

The hospital was a horrible, disgusting place for Mary Sue. Even though her friends (meaning everyone in the castle) had brought her certain things to make her stay there more roomy, like a quilt, her favorite pillow, a floor length gilt mirror, a deluxe pool table and activity center with personal chef (you know, small things like that), Madame Pomfrey still insisted on her wearing the horrid hospital gown, which did absolutely nothing for her complexion.

When Harry walked into the cold, gloomy, brightly decorated room, he could feel Mary Sue's utter desperation. It was either that or all the upside down happy faces she had drawn on the walls. He sat down next to her and she finally brought her not-as-bright-and-shiny-as-usual red eyes to his.

"I just wanted to thank you Harry, for all that you did, during... during the Quidditch accident." Mary Sue stuttered out, then stared out the window, focusing on the sudden storm that had appeared because it sets the perfect melancholy atmosphere.

Harry felt his heart squeeze when he saw Mary Sue's pained expression, his eyes unbiddenly traveled down to her now almost perfect hands, settling on the single short nail. That short, unpolished, slightly chipped nail was the only thing standing in the way of Mary Sue's utter perfection. Oh why were the Gods so cruel?!

Taking her hand (oh! Such petal soft, buttery hands!) in his, he whispered oh so sensitively, "It's all right. Let it all out."

Mary Sue cried for 3 hours.

Then Harry handed her a tissue.

Then she cried for another 3 hours because of his utter kindness.

While Mary Sue was sobbing rather unbecomingly and dripping snot all over him, Harry realized suddenly that he was deeply and madly in love with her. He knew everyone else was in love with her as well, but his was a more profound love! Why? Well, because he says so!

Oh, but he couldn't possibly tell her now! No, not in her time of great need and when she could use some emotional encouragement! No, he must tell her at a more romantic setting, like in the middle of Herbology, or after accidentally following her into the girls' bathroom, or after catching her pick her nose...

Mary Sue raised her head slowly, aware of the distant, romantic music playing softly in the background. It sounded an awful lot like Kenny G... (and I do mean awful)

"What should I do now, Mary Sue?" Harry asked while bending closer to her perfect face and looking hopefully into her ruby red eyes. Obviously he knew exactly what to do next.

Mary Sue brought a soft hand to cup his cheek. "I think this is where you kiss me."

And so he did.

The touch of her velvety lips on his was heaven. It was as if he had drunk from the fountain of youth, like hot, liquid light was pouring into every atom of his body and filling it to bursting. His cheeks flushed, his heart banged in his chest in an utterly pleasurable way, and his very soul lifted from his body to watch from overhead.

Harry deepened the kiss and was sure that in doing so, he and Mary Sue were creating earthquakes, so great was the kiss. It was a beautiful, wonderful, exquisite, magnificent, superb, fantastic, amazing, lovely, grand, great, nice, sorta good expression of their intense feelings for each other.

And it lasted for about 30 minutes.

One rather lengthy kiss for an entire 30 minutes.

Then they decided that it was way past curfew, being 6:00 P.M. and that Harry needed to rush back to Gryffindor tower. Harry escaped being caught by Filch, however he ran into someone even more unpleasant, who deemed it extremely necessary to show him all of his new scrap books.

***

The next day Mary Sue was released from the hospital so that she could spend more time with her new boyfriend. Everyone thought they were the cutest, wootest, widdle couple you ever did see.

Their first class was Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was Mary Sue's first time in the class, but she wasn't nervous at all. It seemed her whole life, she had been fighting against evil creatures wanting to steal her away to some high tower, or drain her of her extraordinary powers to use for themselves, or simply get her autograph.

Mary Sue and Harry sat next to each other, holding hands (of course, not with the evil, imperfect hand!!) and giggling a lot. The class gave a collective sigh around them, along with sporadic exclamations.

"How cute!"

"Isn't that so pwecious!"

"Bleuuurggh!".

Okay, so the last one was from Ron, and the other two were from Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan. The class's attention was finally brought to Professor Quilocklupoody, who was the new DADA teacher.

She was, and there was no other way to say it, super duper cool. She wore a purple turban on her head, had a great, charming smile, was never around on a full moon, and had a bulging, magical eye. She was also very beautiful, with long, silky red hair, and well, one warm cinnamon eye. She had a charismatic charm to her also, that made every class a delight to be in, and how the Gryffindors knew this since they'd never been in her class before, I have no idea. Perhaps they've all been working harder in Divination...

"Hello all," She said, her voice ringing across the dungeon pleasantly. "This being your first lesson, I thought we'd have a fun, little experiment. Now I know you've learned about the Forbidden Curses, and that your last teacher tried the Imperius Curse on you, but today, you're going to try to block the Cruciatus Curse and Avada Kedavra!" She smiled widely at the students, as if she had just announced that everybody would be given a slab of Honeyduke's chocolate the size of Hagrid.

Okay, so maybe she wasn't as super, duper cool as they had all thought...

Mary Sue, being the only one still excited about their lesson, raised her hand.

"Yes?" Professor Quilocklupoody asked, raising an eyebrow at the beautiful girl.

"I'm new at the school here and haven't blocked the Imperius Curse yet. Could you try it on me?"

Quilocklupoody's bright smile faltered for just a second. "Why yes, dear... It would be my pleasure."

Mary Sue positioned herself in front of the class, standing confidently. With an awfully happy grin, Quilocklupoody pointed her wand at her. Mary Sue suddenly heard a strange voice in her head, besides the ones that were usually in there.

'Be ugly' it called softly to her.

Gasp! I would never!

'Mess up your hair' it asked.

How dare you!

'Wear last season's robes.'

Never!

'Make inappropriate bathroom noises.'

No!

'Go on a date with Snape.'

N- well maybe... if he brought his scrap books...

'Ewww.... Uh, don't use deodorant for a day...'

What's deodorant?

"Oookay, Mary Sue I think that's enough. We can all see that you can block the Imperius Curse. Er, very good." Quilocklupoody said, bringing Mary Sue out of her unfamiliar dreamy state and into her regular one. Mary Sue bowed while everyone cheered.

So they went on to the Cruciatus Curse, but Mary Sue only found that she could exclaim, "Tee hee, it tickles!"

So they tried Avada Kedavra. Shots of green light spilled everywhere as it seemed Quilocklupoody was concentrating very hard. Mary Sue spent the time filing her nails.

"You know Professor, I think you're doing it wrong. I feel so light, I think you just increased my life span!" Mary Sue giggled.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!" Quilocklupoody gasped, looking out of breath and very drained.

Mary Sue shrugged impishly.

"Er, fine. Everybody has ten pages of homework! Class dismissed."

Hermione raised a tentative hand, "On what, ma'am?"

"I don't care! Anything! Make it up! Get out!"

Everyone left the room, thinking the exact same thing.

'She's soooooooo cool!'

To be continued....