Ask Zach

Joe Serpentus

Story Summary:
With Dumbledore dead and two new teachers at school, it seems that students can't trust anyone their own problems. But, behold! A new advice column has opened, to give advice and support for...Oh, nevermind, it's Smith from Hufflepuff who's writing it.

Chapter 01 - Ask Zach - Week One

Chapter Summary:
In this chapter, Zach answers his first questions on his first week of school.
Posted:
03/23/2006
Hits:
465


On these days, with boy/girl relationships, You-Know-Who returning and, even worse, O.W.L.'s and N.E.W.T.'s, Hogwarts School of blablabla and blahblablah needs someone to rely on, someone to give them good, sound, prof-, well, almost professional advice. That's why you can:

ASK ZACH

Dear Zach:

Have you seen my pet toad, Trevor? I've lost him again.

Knack for Losing Stuff

Dear Knack for Losing Stuff:

Seriously, Longbottom, I don't know how come you don't get lost going to your common room. All I can tell you is to go to Professor Slughorn for a Memory-Restoring Potion.

Zach

Dear Zach:

I have a problem. I'm a very quiet Ravenclaw, have good grades at school, and never mess up, until the end of every month. Then, I lose control, shout at everyone who talks to me, and I even threatened to kill Professor Flitwick when I thought he was staring at me for too long. What should I do?

Worried

Dear Worried:

Go get Midol from Hogsmeade.

Zach

Dear Zach:

When are the Quidditch tryouts?

New Beater

Dear new Beater:

What house are you in?

Zach

Dear Zach:

Did you know that you have the best body in the whole school?

Smith Lover

Dear Smith Lover:

Yes, I do, and I'm proud of it.

Zach

Dear Zach:

I am in love with this blond, cold-blooded and sneering sixth-year. What should I do?

In love with a Blond Sixth Year

Dear I.L.W.A.B.S.Y.:

Tell him.

Zach

Dear Zach:

I'm hungry.

Victim of Hunger

Dear Victim of Hunger:

Do I care?

Zach

Dear Zach:

What's the Divination homework?

Forgetful Girl

Dear Forgetful Girl:

I don't know. I don't take Divination. You should pair up with Longbottom.

Zach

Dear Zacharias Smith:

Is something wrong with you? I mean, Justin and I were talking about your new, err, occupation and concurred that an advice column is not what we would expect from our Housemate. So, who are you? What have you done to Zacharias Smith? What kind of Death Eater would be so stupid to disguise him/herself of a Hufflepuff who should have been sorted to Slytherin?

Ernest James Macmillan, Prefect Boy for Hufflepuff House, top grades in Muggle Studies and second-best to Hermione Granger in Arithmancy and Charms

Dear Ernie:

Yes there is something wrong with me: I'm stuck in a dorm with a pompous butt-hole who thinks that I have absolutely no feelings; just because I haven't shown feelings for 5 years doesn't make me an insensitive git. I am Zacharias Stephen Smith. I don't know. I'm not a Death Eater. Go patrol the corridors or something.

Zach

Dear Zach:

Is it true? I heard rumors that you got detention for doing inappropriate things with Abbot. Did you? What did you do?

Hufflepuff Girl

Dear Hufflepuff Girl:

Yes, it's true. I have detention tonight with Snape.

Zach

Dear Zach:

Where is the Hufflepuff common room? I think it would look good in pink.

Trainee prankster

Dear Dumb-ass Trainee:

What are you smoking, trying to paint the Hufflepuff common room? Oh, well, I'll tell you: It's in the seventh floor, on the north side of the castle.

Zach

Dear Zach:

My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago, and I haven't stopped crying since. I always dream with him, he begging me to tell him to come back with me. And I think it's a sign, because I have the feeling that he still loves me, even though he won't admit it. I want him so bad, and I also KNOW that he feels the same. What should I do?

Depressed Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Depressed Ex-Girlfriend:

Get a life.

Zach

Dear Mr. Smith:

This is to remind you that your detention is in 15 minutes. You shall meet me in the Potions classroom located in the dungeons. There is no need to bring your wand or any other equipment. Have a good evening.

Professor S. Snape

Head of Slytherin House

Dear Professor Snape:

HOW CAN YOU WISH ME A GOOD EVENING IF YOU KNOW I HAVE DETENTION?!?! You are a cruel, evil, twisted git. I'm going right now.

Zach


PLEASE REVIEW!!! This is my first fic, so I need all the praise, criticism and death threats as possible. Also, any questions directed to Zach will appear in this fic, as long as no slash is intended.