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Chapter 2

J: Thank God.

D: Hermione, thank you. You, too Harry.

Hermione (Hr): But we haven't really done anything!

D: You've been there for me. That means a lot, you know. Thank you.

H: Dude, how's about we go for a drink after this?

D: Okay, but Hermione joins us for a red wine spritzer.

H: Definitely.

Director: AND WE'RE ON IN FIFTEEN SECONDS!

J: Hermione, I wanna hear you speak, too, okay?

Hr: Oh... Okay, I guess.

Director: WE'RE ON IN TEN!

A: Jet! Jet! Jet! Jet! Jet!

Director: Five... four... three... two... one... ON AIR!

A: Jet! Jet! Jet! Jet! Jet!

*Applause*

J: Hello, and welcome back to ChatBack. If you've just tuned in, we have Draco Malfoy here today, and he has issues with his dad. Draco feels neglected.

A: Aaaaaaaaawwww!

J: That's right. Now, before we get back into this, are there any questions?

Female Audience Member: Um, Lucius, why do you have a grudge against Muggle-borns?

J: That's a very good question.

L: Some things are just raised in people. That was one thing that I raised to believe in.

Hr: Value for money just went out the window, though, didn't it? I mean, you could have got that cloak for 40 Galleons, but nooooo, you had to pay 100, just so you could brag about how much it cost, and have the receipt to prove it, didn't you?

L: No! I would never do anything like that!

D: Here's the receipt.

L: Damn.

H: Need counselling? Here's my card.

L: Thanks. I might need it.

J: So how are you going to stop Draco from feeling neglected?

L: I'm leaving his mother.

N: *stalks out onto the stage* WHAT?!?!?

J: (amused) Oh, so you've decided to join us! How kind of you!

L: Narcissa, I'm leav-

*Knocking SFX*

J: For fu- just come in, dammit. Get on with it. It's not my show any more...

Sara (S): I'm Lucius' girlfriend. Lucius was feeling neglected by you, Narcissa, and we met, and it went from there.

N: You bitch! How DARE you steal my husband?!?!

S: Well, actually, he decided to come and see me, really.

J: Oh? (Interested)

S: At the time I was a professional whore.

N: Explains a lot of things.

S: Like what?

N: Like your lack of dress sense for one!

D: HOLD IT! We're here for me.

J: He's right, you know. You three can come back tomorrow.

N, L&S: (sarcastically) Thanks.

J: That's OK.

D: Now let's see.

J: This is my show, but you go for it, Draco, hunny. *Lights up a fag*

D: Okaaaaaaay... Dad, what are we going to do about this? I mean, you can sort out your problems, but it won't sort out mine.

L: I'm trying, Draco. I'm trying. Do you think I like being ordered about by that oaf? I just do it so I'm not killed!

D: Well, just try to talk to me. Make an effort.

L: I'm trying. I AM trying...

*Knocking SFX*

J: Just come in, get on with it.

*McGonnagall walks in, clad in a pink bathrobe*

McG: Oh, damn. Wrong door again. *Leaves room*

J: Okaaaaaaay, then...

D: Jet, how much time have we got left?

J: Plenty. Why?

D: 'Cause I think you'd better wrap it up, like... now.

J: (irritated) and why's that, then, you little smart-ass?

D: 'Cause I think now is the time when Voldemort drops by for a chat.

J: Let him try.

D: Okay, Jet. It's your call.

(A/N: Jet really got drunk after the show. She hit her head and is now at home resting... anyone surprised?)

J: Oh, goodie (!), I'm so glad (!).

D: *turns to Hermione* you'll have to excuse her if she doesn't jump up and down with joy.

J: Now, Hermione. How do you feel about Lucius?

Hr: I think he's a mean, old piece of crap.

J: and what about you?

H: I'm surprised he can get his head in the door, with his ego that big! I mean, has anyone got a pin? I think he needs to get a few things off of his chest, and I think he really needs to... calm... down...

J: Right.

*Knocking SFX*

D: Told you.

J: Just come in, get on with it. Draco, you're in charge, I need a piss. *Walks out of the studio*

*Voldemort enters*

L: My Lord.

H: Why are you bowing down to that creep? What's the most he can do to you? He has no wand. Oh, wait! He can jump up and down and shout, "Kill him! Kill him!"

Voldemort (V): Kill him! Kill him!

H: We're sooo scared.

L: Run for the hills! The Lord is angry!

D: You have issues.

S: It's okay, hunny. It'll all be alright.

N: No, it won't. Lucius, dear, you're going to die.

L: *starts sobbing*

N: I love to see a grown man cry.

D: Mother!

Hr: So, um, Draco...you wanna make out?

D: *shrugs* Okay.

*Hermione and Draco start making out, Sara and Narcissa start trying to rip each other's hair out, Voldie-poo jumps up and down, shouting "Kill him! Kill him!" Lucius sits on his chair, holding his knees to his chest, rocking slowly and crying. Harry, meanwhile, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a paperback, with two books in it. Reader's digest, of course! "What to do, when grown-men cry." and "So you think you're an evil mastermind?"*

*Jet returns from her bog-break*

*Jet sits down and reaches under the seat. She pulls out a bottle of vodka, and within the minute, it's drained*

J: OI!

*The Jerry Springer crowd are sitting clapping their hands, screaming "Fight! Fight! Fight!"... And that's only the security! *

J: OI!

D: *looks up* Yes, dear. How can we help you?

J: *shakes head pitifully* I pity you people, you know.

*A Female Audience Member raises her hand*

J: You'll have to speak up, though, dear.

Female Audience Member: Why don't you people talk about how you feel, and fight later, like everyone else? I mean, you do it the wrong way 'round!

Hr: 'Cause they have problems.

Female Audience Member: Like what?

H: Well, just look at Lucius!

J: OI!

N: What now? AARGH! BITCH!!

S: Okay, you asked for it!

*General madness carries on*

J: *turns to camera* Okay, folks! We'll be back tomorrow with Lucius, Narcissa and Sara!! Draco might be back, too. I'll see you all tomorrow!!

*As the camera pans out, Jet takes a seat again, and raises another bottle of Vodka to her lips... and another... and another... and...*

END