ChatBack

Chapter 1

Jet (J): Hello, and welcome to this week's....

Audience (A): ChatBack!!

*Cheers*

Draco (D): Joy (!)

J: So, Draco.

D: Yes?

J: You have a problem.

D: Why else would I be here?

J: Now, now! No need to get sassy! This isn't the Jerry Springer show!

D: Don't I know it? I mean, the set's just cardboard, and I asked for a coffee, and look what they gave me! Tea!

J: *shakes head* that is truly terrible. Was it to wake you up?

D: Yes...

J: WAKE UP! There.

D: Thanks... I think...

J: So, Draco...

D: Uh-huh...

J: *raises voice* What's the damn problem?

D: Uh, my dad.

J: Okay, thank you...

*There's silence. Tumbleweed makes its way across the cardboard stage*

J: Can you expand on that?

D: Yes.

*Silence for a few seconds*

J: Are you going to?

D: If you ask me nicely.

J: Draco, I'm not being paid to put up with assholes like you. I'm paid to sort out their problems...

D: You usually make them worse, though. I mean, I've seen the complaints department! Jeeze!

*An audience member's hand is raised*

J: Yes, Sir.

Male Audience Member: Uh, we came here to listen to your problems, heckle you and cheer on the fight. Can we get on with it now?

D: Yes, sir, thank you for asking.

J: *mumbles incoherently*

D: Well, my dad is the right-hand man to an evil over-lord, and it's really getting to me, you know? I mean, he's never home, he doesn't call *sniffles* and I just don't get to see him anymore!

J: What about your mum?

D: She just sits there watching Wizarding-QVC, and drinking tea.

J: Carry on.

D: Well, I feel neglected, and...

A: Aaaaaaaaawwww!

D: ...thank you, and I just feel like I need some love, you know?

A: Aaaaaaaaawwww!

J: Well, let's bring out our first guest, you dad, Lucius!

A: BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSSS! SPIT! (Don't ask, please don't ask... okay, you can if you like...)

Lucius (L): What did Draco do now, and how much will it be? *Removes bag of wizarding coins*

D: Dad!

J: *smiles* Okay. You really don't know why you're here, do you?

L: No...

J: Basically, Draco needs a chat about...

L: But I gave him that chat already!

J: No, hun, not that one. It's like this. You're always out, you never call, your wife just sits and watches shopping networks all day, and Draco feels neglected.

L: Oh.

J: Yes, "Oh". Now what do you have to say to your son?

L: I'm sorry.

D: No you're not, you lying, scheming little son-of-a-bitch!

L: You little...! *Removes his wand*

*The Jerry Springer bodyguards appear out of nowhere, and break it up. *

J: Weird, but okay, thanks guys... Lucius, what do you think?

L: I think my son is a little piece of crap.

D: Oh, I love you too, Dad.

J: Draco...

L: I think I should have sent him somewhere else other than Hogwarts. You know, to toughen him up.

J: No, I don't know! And while you're telling me, why don't I bring out our next guest?

D: Just do it, Jet.

J: Get on with it, then, Lucius.

L: Well, I think Hogwarts softened him up. It encouraged rule breaking, but didn't do anything about it. It wanted equal opportunities. Now that's just crap. I mean, equal opportunities! What kind of asshole thought it up? I mean it lets mud... muggle-borns in!

J: Okay, Lucius, I'm going to have to stop you there, to bring out our next guest, it's Narcissa Malfoy!

Narcissa (N): I'm not coming out.

A: BOOOOOO! *General heckling*

J: Why's that?

N: I'm not allowed to bring my wand on.

J: Neither is Lucius or Draco.

N: I'm not coming out.

J: Okay, so let's cha-

*Knocking SFX*

J: Who's there?

A voice: Me.

*Harry Potter walks out onto the stage*

Harry (H): Yo, dudes.

*Harry greets Draco with a high-five and a bear hug*

D: Hey, Harry, how's it hangin'?

H: Upside-down and always a little to the left, dude.

*Draco smiles*

*Lucius looks like he's about to have a heart-attack*

J: So, Harry, what are you doing here?

H: Well, I'm Draco's counsellor.

J: Really.

H: Yep, and I just wanted to be there for moral support, you know...

J: So yo-

*Knocking SFX*

J: Who's there?

A voice: Me.

J: What the hell is it with this "Me." Thing?

D: Who knows?

*Hermione steps out onto the stage timidly*

D: Hermione, you made it!

*Draco runs across the stage to greet her. He hugs her, and spins her around, lifting her off of the floor, kissing her at the same time*

L: (in his best murderous voice) Draco! I order you to get away from that... that... that thing! That mudblood!

D: Right, that's it!

*Draco carefully sets Hermione down, and flies across the stage to head-butt his dad in the stomach, winding him*

J: HOLD IT! Jeeze!

*The Jerry Springer lads separate Draco and Lucius, and one politely leads Hermione to her seat*

J: So everyone, we'll be back right after the break.

Director: AND... CUT!