Dragon Tamer

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Dragon Tamer

Chapter 17: The Drought (an interlude)

- or -

Harry Tries to Get Laid

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"Damn it, Hermione, can't you go any faster?"

"Harry, really. I'm doing my best. This is a very tricky problem. It's very rare and hard to find information on."

"This is beyond horrible. Draco, will you please reconsider?"

"For the one millioneth time, Potter, no."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Oh, come on! This just isn't right."

"Harry, I know this sucks, but I can't risk going all crazy again, okay? My father will kill me and then he'll kill you."

Sulking. "I'm not scared of your father."

"Just keep researching, Harry. We're not spending all our free time here in the library with Granger for nothing."

A few moments of silence as everyone flips through books.

"Look, Draco, what if I promise that this time you can be on top?"

"Harry, even once we have a counter-spell you better believe I'm going to be on top next time. And my answer is still no."

Frustrated silence.

"Okay, look, Draco, I have an idea. What if I just lay there, hmmm? I won't even try to touch you. What do you think?"

"Just lay there? Gee, Harry, is that supposed to tempt me?"

"You could coat me in whipped cream and chocolate and then slowly lick every last trace off my body."

A moment of silence.

"Tempting. But no."

A sigh. Then...

"Oooh, okay, I've got a better idea. I'll teach you the handcuff spell. You can handcuff me to your bed and have your wicked way with me."

"Harry! I thought you said Malfoy was making that stuff up to freak me out!"

"Yeah, well...I lied. Anyway, Hermione, aren't you supposed to be reading up on counter-spells for this little problem we have?"

"You know, Harry, things might be going a little faster if you were helping me research instead of trying to convince loverboy here to sleep with you before we have a cure."

"Hermione, you're not helping my cause here. You're supposed to say, 'oh Malfoy, why don't you run along and shag Harry because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here.'"

"But I'm not."

"Work with me here, Hermione."

"Harry, I can't believe you want Granger here to lie to me just so I'll sleep with you again!"

"Draco, it has been four days. FOUR days. I'm going crazy here."

"Yes, well, I don't like it either, but that is still no excuse for you to lie to me."

"Oh, are you saying I've been a bad boy?"

"Yes. Very."

"You're right. I've been a very bad boy. Why don't you punish me, Draco?"

"Maybe I - oh, I see where you're going with this. Very sneaky, Harry. But it's not going to work."

"Damn. Note to self: work on being less transparent with schemes to get in Draco's pants."

Rolling of eyes. "You're impossible, Harry. Now focus. The sooner we find a counter-spell the sooner we can shag like bunnies again."

"Speaking of bunnies, what the hell is little Draco Lucius wearing?"

"Oh, isn't that adorable? Blaise got it for me."

"Draco, your bunny rabbit is wearing a tiny little t-shirt that says 'Hairy Harry Potter Fan.'"

"I know. It's from the HPFC catalogue. They have a whole line of little clothes for pets. They're really very cute."

"For pets?" Blinks. "My life is so surreal sometimes."

"You know, it's a great catalogue, actually. I've ordered a bunch of stuff."

"Draco, you didn't."

"I did. I even got some stuff for my parents for Christmas. I can't wait to see if my dad likes his new pajamas."

"You ordered your father pajamas from the Harry Potter Fan Club catalogue? Wow, Malfoy. You have a death wish or something?"

"No, Granger, I don't. They just happened to be very nice pajamas. Finest Italian silk. They're Gryffindor red with little gold lightening bolts all over them. I got him the matching slippers too."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen, Potter. Now, focus. You may not believe me but I'm as anxious as you are to find a cure."

Several moments of silence as everyone looks through books again.

"Hey Draco?"

"What?"

"You never answered me about the handcuffs idea."

"Harry, I'm going to say no to everything you come up with."

"But come on! This is practically fool-proof! You handcuff me to the bed, I can't move, can't use my hands, all I can do is thrash against my bonds while you do unspeakable things to my body."

A moment of silence, then -

"Damn it, Harry, no! It's just too risky."

Sighs. Then -

"Oooh, oh, brilliant idea here. This one will work. I can be your slaveboy. You'll be completely in charge. I'll obey your every command and you can order me to do anything you like."

A long moment of silence.

"You know, that is sort of tempting."

"I can grovel on my hands and knees, and jump to fulfill your every whim, and I'll call you master, and I'll even wear leather and a collar if you want."

A pause.

"Well, maybe we could - wait a second! Harry James Potter, where the hell did you learn all this stuff?"

"Oh, um...you know...here and there."

"Harry Potter, you dirty little slut."

"But I can be your dirty little slut, Master Malfoy."

Shivers. "Wow...Master Malfoy. I really like how that sounds." Shakes head to clear mind of filthy thoughts. "Okay, none of that. We have work to do. Besides, I bet we're seriously freaking Granger out right now."

"Actually, I kind of like it."

"Ew, Hermione!"

"What? You think Ron and I haven't already played all those games?"

"HERMIONE!!!"

"GRANGER!!!"

"Oh, so you guys are the only couple who's allowed to be kinky?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Herm, and that this conversation is just one big long bad dream."

A couple moments of silence.

"Actually, now that the initial shock has passed I think it's great that you and Weasley enjoy such a wild and varied sex life."

"Draco, don't encourage her. I can't handle it."

"I'm serious. Granger, I bet you're one kinky little kitten in the bedroom."

"Well, I'll just say that all that reading definitely comes in handy sometimes."

"Ew, ew, ew!" Covers ears with hands. "It's okay, Harry, it's okay. Just go to your happy place and don't think about Ron and Hermione...I'm in my happy place...I'm in my happy place..."

"I think you've seriously freaked out Potter, Granger."

"Yeah, well, at least he's not trying to get laid any more."

Everyone works in silence for several more minutes.

"Okay, Draco, this is my best idea yet. I'll let you put me under the Imperious curse."

Eyes wide. "The...the Imperious curse? Really?"

"Yes, really. Think about it, Draco. You can fufill every sordid little fantasy you've ever had, and I won't be able to stop you. I would be completely under your control."

Gulps. "Well, maybe if I have complete control, it wouldn't be so risky."

"Exactly. You'd control my every move, my every sound, my every desire -

"Oh, Harry, knock it off. You know the Imperious curse doesn't work on you."

"Hermione!"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER, you lied to me again?? I can't believe you!"

"Now look what you've done, Hermione! I almost had him!"

"Harry, I'm not just going to sit here and let you lie to Malfoy so you can shag him silly again."

"Hermione, I think you and me are going to have a long, serious discussion tonight about what being 'best friends' is really all about. Because trust me, friends are supposed to help friends get laid. It's a rule."

"No, it's not."

"YES, it is. Just ask Ron. He would have told Draco here that I was exceptionally vulnerable to the Imperious curse and that he should put it on me and shag me straight away."

"Harry Potter, you are truly despicable."

"Coming from you, Draco, that's a compliment."

"Yeah, well, you're in serious trouble."

"Don't get my hopes up, you rotten little tease."

"Look, aren't you afraid that maybe I might shag you silly in some of these scenarios?"

"No. You couldn't shag me silly if I were acting like your slave, handcuffed to the bed and under the Imperious curse. You're just not man enough."

"Oh you did not just say that."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I think I just did."

You're going down, Potter."

"Draco, I'd be more than happy to go down, but my prissy, frigid wimp of a boyfriend who couldn't schtupp a first-year Hufflepuff the slightest bit loopy keeps saying no."

"Why you little - you know what, I don't need handcuffs or the Imperious curse, you insufferable brat. All I need is this table right here. Get ready, Potter, because I'm going to shag your arse so senseless that you'll be -

"Honestly, Malfoy. I can't believe you're falling for this."

"Falling for what?"

"Hermione, shut up."

"Malfoy, Harry's just trying to get you to shag him by insulting your masculinity."

"I don't under - wait." Thinks for a second. "Ooooooh. I get it. Nice one, Potter. Wow, I can't believe I almost fell for that."

"You're dead to me, Hermione."

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic, Harry. Leave poor Draco alone."

"Okay, fine. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll just take my pretty arse and my universally acknowledged talents in the bedroom to someone more appreciative. Maybe Blaise or Seamus, you think?"

"Don't you dare even joke about that, Potter. You are mine."

"Rather possessive, aren't we?"

"Yes, we are. Now take that back."

"Hmmm...I don't know. Apparently I'm quite a hot commodity, and Blaise and Seamus have both been looking pretty good lately..."

"Are you looking to die, Potter?"

"No, I'm looking to shag you. Can I?"

"No."

"Well, then, I guess I have no choice but to offer myself to Blaise and Seamus. You know, I bet I could handle both of them at once."

"Why you -

"Oh, honestly. Draco, stop snarling. Harry, stop trying to make Draco jealous so he'll ravish you with hot sex to prove that you're his."

"Is that what you're doing, Potter? You little tramp."

"Damn it, Hermione! You are so going on my bad list."

"Harry, I thought you loved Draco. Surely you don't want to do anything that could cause him embarrassment, do you?"

"Yeah, Harry. I thought you loved me." Sniffs dramatically.

"Nice try, guys. That little speech might have worked a few days ago, but right now you are talking directly to my libido, and believe me, he's not listening to a single word you're saying."

Rolls eyes. "Look, Harry, just keep researching, okay? Malfoy, you too. We're going to find a cure, I promise."

"Fine. But know this, Draco: the moment we have a cure, I'm going to throw you down on the first flat surface I can find. I'm going to have you panting and moaning in pleasure. I'm going to rip the clothes from your body and map every inch with my tongue. I'll make you scream my name so loud the walls of the castle will shake, and then I'm going to moan and scream your name and beg you to do things to my body that should be illegal. Finally, I'm going to fuck you so well and so hard that you'll be clinging to the last shreds of your sanity and just when you think you can't possibly handle another second of bliss, I'm going to do it all over again."

A long pause. Big, wide eyes. A loosening of a tie, and a loud gulp. Then -

"Damn it, Granger, can't you go any faster???"

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