The Horrible Adventures of Ronnikins the Rat

Ronald Weasley dismounted from his broom and walked swiftly to the Gryffindor change room. He mopped his sweaty forehead with a maroon towel. He had trained hard today and he was in desperate need of a good wash. The red haired boy undressed quickly and stepped eagerly into the shower. He sighed as the soothingly cool water trickled over his tall body. He hummed a soft tune under his breath as he lathered up the soap. Suddenly a light giggle erupted from the corner of the room.

Ron stiffened and peered out of the shower curtains. "Hello?" he called out. "Who's there?"

The giggling stopped. Ron shrugged. He returned to washing himself, paying particular attention to those hard to reach places.

"You do it," a girl's voice said suddenly.

"No you do it!" another girl's voice insisted.

A horrified look crossed Ron's face. Who in Merlin's name is that? He wondered. Ron hurriedly turned off the water and padded out from behind the curtains. Water dripped off his smooth body and ran into the tiles. He felt, and was, very naked.

"Oh my word!" a voice exclaimed from behind him. Ron turned in the direction of the sound, exposing his front to the audience. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott surveyed his naked form with interest. Ron blanched.

"It's true!" Hannah exclaimed. "He does have a fourteen inch wand!"

Ron shrieked like a girl and ran for his towel. "What in bloody Merlin's name are you doing here?" he raged.

Susan Bones giggled. A dangerous, uncharacteristic glint flashed before her eyes. "We've been dared to carry out an April Fools prank. Happy April Fools Ronald Weasley!" she cried. With that, Susan and Hannah pointed their wands at the poor defenceless boy.

"Raticus!" they enunciated together.

Ron gasped in horror as he felt his form diminish rapidly. Fur sprouted from his cheeks and back. His two hands turned into paws. Ron's amazing 'fourteen inch wand' shrunk to the size of a pin. He felt grossly emasculated. Susan and Hannah giggled hysterically as they ran out of the room. Ron squeaked in fury.

"I'm going to get you!" he squealed. "Bloody Hufflepuffs! You're worse than those Slytherins!"

Ron shook his tiny head angrily. Maybe the Hufflepuffs have been mating with the

Slytherins and they've created a super race of evil, conniving, stuck up Slytherpuffs! He thought angrily. Ron sniffed the air with indignation. A strong stench wafted over him. Ron stiffened. Morgana's foot! Is that what I smell like? No wonder Hermione won't snog me after quidditch practice. It's a pity too, Ron thought wistfully. He always felt particularly aroused after a long and hard quidditch practice.

Ron scuttled out of the change room to escape the smell. Outside, the cool spring air greeted him. Everything looked particularly large from his perspective. What am I going to do? He thought worriedly. The school seemed a safe bet. Surely a wizard or witch would help him in his sorry state. Ron quickly scramble for the castle. He felt extremely frightened in the open. Any wild creature larger than he could have him for lunch. He did not fancy that idea.

Once inside the school Ron made a mad dash for the Gryffindor common room. Surely someone there would help him. Ron ran up the stairs quickly. He found the Gryffindor portrait standing slightly ajar. He scrambled into the common room without a second thought. Strangely, the room was deserted. Someone must be here, he thought desperately. Ron scuttled to his dormitory in the hopes of finding Harry, Dean or Seamus.

As he reached the top of the stairs, a loud thump echoed through the corridor. Ron jumped in spite of himself. He crept tentatively towards the sound. It seemed to have come from the boys' dormitory. Ron peered into the room and made out the silhouette of two entwined figures on Harry's bed. Out of curiosity, he crept closer.

"Finally! I've been waiting all day to do this," came an arrogant drawl.

Ron stiffened. A half-naked Draco Malfoy was straddling a very flushed looking Harry Potter. The raven-haired boy gazed up at his captor with longing. In one swift motion, Draco brought his mouth down on top of Harry's nipple.

Ye Gods! Ron's mind screamed. Get out while you still can! But strangely, Ron found himself transfixed to the one spot. He watched as Draco sucked, nibbled and licked his way down Harry's body. The boy with the glasses moaned with pleasure. Ron moaned in horror. But you must admit, a part of his mind said. He's amazingly good...I wouldn't mind if he did that to m-. Ron shook his head violently. What was happening? Did the transformation somehow change his long established sexual orientation? How could he be craving the services of Draco Malfoy? Maybe it's a rodent thing. I'm a rat and Draco's a ferret. It's purely biological. Ron nodded to himself. That must explain it. He did not want contemplate any alternative explanations for his arousal.

Ron watched as Draco pleasured Harry expertly. Finally, the intensity was too hard for the green-eyed boy to bear. Harry let out a shudder and settled back into the folds of the blanket. A moment later, Harry rose to reciprocated Draco's affection. Draco sighed with anticipation as Harry stroked the eager boy. Then suddenly Harry's gaze seized upon Ron in the corner of the room. The raven-haired boy stood up slowly. He left the bed and crept towards Ron stealthily.

"Hey!" Draco complained.

Harry was so engrossed in the rat that he ignored his boyfriend's indignant cries. Ron looked up at his best friend. A cold look had settled in Harry's eyes. He narrowed in on Ron. Suddenly Ron felt uneasy. Why's Harry looking at me like that? He wondered. Then the raven-haired boy closed in on his target and pounced. A giant hand slammed down beside Ron. The little rat yelped and scuttled under the bed.

"What are you doing?" Draco pouted.

"It's Wormtail," Harry hissed.

"Where?" Draco asked looking around the room.

"He's in his rat form. He's under the bed," Harry said.

Draco smirked. "Well ask him to come out and join us," he drawled.

Harry gave him a bewildered look. "I'm only joking," Draco insisted. Harry pulled out his wand and aimed it under the bed.

"I'm going to kill him!" he declared.

Draco wrapped his long arms around Harry's waist. "It can't be Wormtail," he soothed. "If it were, he would have apparated by now. Come back to bed. There's something you haven't finished."

Harry dismissed him. "It mightn't be Wormtail but I want to make sure," he muttered. Harry crouched down on all fours and peered under the bed.

Draco threw his hands up in frustration. "Harry Potter! Ignore the rat already! While you're down there, why don't you make yourself useful? Pleasure me. And that's an order! Do I make myself clear Potter? Or else I'm leaving!"

Harry looked up at him with incomprehension. "Draco, I'm busy."

Draco stared at Harry with his large grey eyes. He gesticulated at his nether regions but to no avail. Harry was not paying any attention.

"That's it! I'm leaving!" Draco said infuriatingly.

"You're leaving already?" Harry asked half-heartedly.

"That's right!" Draco stormed. "Unless you do what I say."

"But the rat..." Harry began.

"Oh forget it!" Draco howled. "All I do is give, give, give in this relationship. And Malfoys aren't accustomed to giving! What do I get out of this sorry relationship? Nothing! You're a selfish prick Harry Potter. I never want to see you again. Consider yourself dumped!"

Draco flounced over to his robes and dressed hurriedly. Harry watched as the blonde stormed out of the Gryffindor dormitory. Ron took the opportunity to scuttle after Draco. In his despair, Harry failed to notice the rat leave. On the staircase, Draco let out a little whimper. Ron looked up at the saddened Slytherin in awe. Well I'll be glomped, he thought. The slimey git has feelings after all.

Draco quickly composed himself and continued down the stairs. "He wasn't that great a shag anyway," he muttered darkly.

*

Ron looked back at the Gryffindor common room wistfully. Harry was not going to help him after all. There was nothing he could do. Ron prayed that the effects of the spell were only temporary. He watched as Draco strutted indignantly down the stairs. There was nothing for it. Ron sighed and bounded after Draco. At least the Slytherin would protect him from the cats.

Draco came to a stop in front of his bedroom portrait "I'm requesting a password change," he barked.

The arrogant lady looked down at Draco. "About time too," she said scathingly. "Your old password was revolting. What were you thinking boy? 'I heart Harry forever and ever'? Really Draco, I thought you had better taste."

Ron snorted behind the blonde boy. "I know," the Slytherin hissed. "That's why I'm changing it. My new password is going to be, 'Potter can kiss my pretty arse goodbye because I'll never shag him again!'"

The Slytherin lady looked at him. "That's a rather long password," she said. "Why don't you shorten it to 'Harry's a bad shag'?"

Draco shook his head irritably. "No, no, that would be lying. I want to insult him where it's due," he insisted. He paused and tried to think up another password.

"What about 'Harry has a half-inch wand'?" the portrait asked.

"No that's not true either. His wand certainly isn't half an inch long. It's really very big," Draco said breathlessly.

The portrait lady rolled her eyes. "What about 'Harry has a hairy arse'?"

"No, he has a nice, well rounded, smooth bottom."

"What about 'Harry is a prude'?"

"Actually he's quite wild in the bedroom. He's up for anything. We play all sorts of games. Tie ups are my favourite."

"Well what about 'Harry caught an embarrassing disease'?"

"No he was a virgin before he met me. And I certainly don't have any embarrassing diseases."

"Then what about 'Harry's a stupid ape'?" the lady said in an exasperated voice.

"No, he's really very bright. He's witty, sexy, kind, gentle, loving, sweet..." Draco looked up at the portrait. "Why did I break up with him again?'

"You tell me you stupid boy!" the lady snorted.

Draco looked down at the floor. "Oh holy Morgana, I've made a mistake haven't I?"

"Draco Malfoy!" came a shrill cry somewhere down the corridor. Draco's head snapped up. He turned to the intruder stomping down the hallway. Ron also turned his beady eyes to the rapidly approaching figure. The girl came into view. Ron gasped. It was his girlfriend, Hermione Granger, and she did not look pleased. She was carrying Crookshanks under one arm, while holding a very heavy and well-thumbed book in her other hand.

"You stupid inconsiderate git!" Hermione bellowed. She slapped the cowering boy with her heavy tome. Ron caught the title as it flew by his eyes, Wizarding Bedroom Secrets: A Romping Good Manual. The small rat grinned. This sounds promising, he thought wickedly.

"Calm down you mad muggle!" Draco growled as he tried to dodge Hermione's attacks.

Hermione stopped for breath. She calmed down somewhat after that. The girl tucked a strand of brown hair behind her ear. "How can you break Harry's heart like that?" she shouted irately. "He's distraught! He doesn't know what he's done wrong. You go and apologise right now!"

Draco snorted indignantly. "He should be the one apologising! He completely ignored my needs. He chose to chase after some rat over me!"

Hermione considered Draco's statement. "So Harry's fooling around with someone else?"

"No," Draco said. "It was an actual rat."

Hermione blanched. "Oh dear Merlin, what was Harry doing with a rat? Oh on second thought, I don't want to know! Whatever sordid games you play are your business. I respect your privacy," she said as she backed away from Draco.

Draco shook his head in frustration. "It wasn't a sordid game!" he insisted. "He saw a rat and got all excited. Not that sort of excited! He thought it was Wormtail and he went after it. He completely ignored me! I was left there lying very naked and very aroused on his bed waiting for him to come and alleviate my--er--frustration. But he simply ignored me! He chose a rat over me, Draco Malfoy, his boyfriend! I have needs Hermione. Aren't my needs important? I can't be left unsatisfied. Malfoys can't be left unsatisfied!"

Hermione nodded and rolled her eyes. "Typical of wizards. They never look beyond their own broomstick and bludgers."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "I've never quite heard it put like that but you're right. Wizards, who needs them."

"Indeed," Hermione joined in.

Ron looked crestfallen. Why is she saying these things? I thought I satisfied her needs adequately, he pondered.

Draco leaned in towards Hermione. "You know, I have a quivering wand in my room. You're welcome to borrow it. It's custom made by G-Spoticus," he whispered. Hermione gasped. "The wand's streamlined with a superfine handle of ash. It has a diamond hard polish that ensures a superbly smooth performance every time. It even has an acceleration speed if you like it a bit rough."

Hermione looked at Draco longingly. "G-Spoticus? You have a wand made by G-Spoticus?"

Draco nodded seriously. Hermione moaned. "You can use it anywhere," he whispered. "It has a silencing charm installed."

Hermione looked like she was about to explode. At that moment, Crookshanks began to struggle. Hermione came out of her daydream and tried to calm her pet. The cat clawed at the air wildly. It hissed at Ron's crouching figure. Oh no, Ron thought. The stupid cat's seen me. He squeaked and backed away from Hermione.

"What is it Crookshanks?" Hermione cooed. The cat continued to struggle and hiss at the rat. Hermione looked down beyond Draco's feet and saw Ron huddling against Draco's shoe. "Is that what you're hissing at you silly cat?" she giggled. "It's just a little rat."

"Where?" Draco asked.

"There," Hermione said as she bent down to pick up a very frightened Ron. "It's alright little rat. I won't hurt you."

Draco narrowed his eyes. "That's the rat Harry saw. I'm going to kill him!"

Hermione cried indignantly and shielded the rat from Draco. "Control yourself!" she demanded. "The rat didn't do anything. It's really Harry's fault. I reckon you should just give him the cold shoulder for a few weeks or so and see how he likes it. Believe me he'll come crawling back."

Draco growled at Ron but backed away. "You're right," he said to Hermione. "He can't live without me. I'm the best shag he's ever had. He'll come crawling."

"On hands and knees," Hermione agreed.

A wicked grin curled at the corner of Draco's lips. "And he can stay like that while I have my way with him," he laughed.

"In the mean time you have that quivering wand," Hermione reminded him gently.

Draco nodded. "I'll live," he said as he turned to the portrait. "My new password will be 'rub me right G-Spoticus'."

The portrait rolled her aristocratic eyes and tried to suppress a giggle. Draco swaggered into the room. He waved to Hermione before disappearing around the corner.

"Have fun!" Hermione called out as she walked down the corridor with Ron in her hands. "Now little fellow, what am I to do with you?" she cooed quietly.

Crookshanks eyed Ron hungrily from below. "I need a bath. But I can't leave you here. Crookshanks will surely gobble you up. What to do?" she pondered. "I know, you can come and sit beside my bathtub. You won't mind will you? I promise you don't have to look if you don't want to." She giggled.

For the first time since his childhood, Ron felt like crying. He was going to take a bath with Hermione, but not as her hormonal, loveable teenage boyfriend. He was going as a rat that could not do naughty things to her. Ron squeaked in exasperation. Sometimes the Fates can be so cruel.

*

Ron sat beside Hermione pensively. The sight of her naked figure beneath the clear bath water was enough to drive him mad. Hermione raised her hand out of the water and patted Ron. A thrill ran through his spine. Ron squeaked in delight. With her other hand, Hermione reached for her copy of Wizarding Bedroom Secrets. She flipped through a few pages and began to read. After a while she sighed.

"You know little rat, boys are hopeless," she said softly.

Ron listened attentively. Hermione giggled when she noticed his posture. "You're so cute," she cooed. "And you have the most brilliant red hair. You remind me of my boyfriend, Ron." She sighed again. "I think you'd like him."

Ron blushed happily. "You're a male rodent. Of course you'll take to him immediate. Ronald Weasley really is no doubt the most inconsideration, stupid, self-indulgent git Hogwarts has ever seen," Hermione continued.

Ron blanched. What is she saying? He thought in horror.

Hermione put the book down in frustration. "It's always about him when we're in the bedroom," she mumbled. "It's always 'Hermione do that again and again and again and again and again', never mind that I'm tired. And he always puts on this pathetic whine when he wants me to touch him, 'Hermione touch me tonight. Why won't you touch me tonight?'" Hermione rolled her eyes. "I would touch him if he didn't smell like vomit and gurgle like a drunkard most of the time."

Ron squeaked indignantly. That only happened once, he thought. It was at Harry's sixteenth birthday party and the boys had dared him to drink two gallons of Ogden's Old Firewhisky. Weasleys don't back down from dares, Ron thought nobly. Besides, he could not really remember the event. Therefore, it never really happened.

Hermione sighed. "I get so little pleasure out of our relationship," she said sadly. "He never sucks my toes like I ask him to. And there are some parts of my body that he just won't touch with his tongue. And as for games, his idea of 'excitement' is having me on top," Hermione pouted. "What am I going to do little rat?"

Ron looked down in embarrassment. He did not want to hear this anymore. Ron peered over the edge of the bathtub and jumped down onto the hard tiles. His body jolted upon impact.

"Where are you going little rat?" Hermione called out. "Typical. All you males are the same, fleeing when the going gets tough."

Ron looked back regretfully at his unhappy girlfriend. There was little he could do for her as a rat. Slowly he made his way down the corridor. Could it be true? Ron thought. Am I truly a bad boyfriend? The little rat sighed sadly as he scrambled out of the castle and into the open air. He needed to clear his head.

Ron paced slowly by the quidditch field. In the distance he saw Seamus and Dean playing kiss and tag on their broomsticks. Every once in a while the two boys would stop to perve at Roger Davies. The Ravenclaw captain grinned at them mischievously while flaunting the raised broomstick between his athletic legs. Ron continued down the path.

A solitary figure sat on a wooden bench overlooking the lake. Ron padded over to the individual. Upon closer inspection, Ron recognised the figure as Harry. The raven-haired boy was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment. Littered at the boy's feet were several scrunched up pieces of parchments. Ron crept closer to his friend. He heard Harry muttering under his breath.

"D is for desire. You make me weak in the knees. I always want you so bad," Harry said softly. "R is for your...er...right hand, which you write with." Harry scrunched up the piece of parchment and threw it aside. "That's pathetic," he sighed.

Harry took another piece of parchment and began afresh. "D is for the depth of your grey eyes." The boy grinned. "That sound's alright. R is for the rarity of your precious smile. A is for your aristocratic good looks. C is for your cute purrs."

Ron grinned. Maybe there is hope for wizards yet, he thought happily. Harry pondered the last one. He sucked on his quill thoughtfully. "O is for...O is for...O is for the incredible Orgas- No wait, I can't write that," Harry said quickly. He scratched out the offending word and continued to ponder.

Ron shook his head dejectedly and slunk off. There really is no hope for us wizards, he thought sadly. The sun was beginning to set behind Ron. He watched as the trees turned to shadows. The lights of Hogwarts grew brighter in the engulfing darkness. Ron sighed and continued ahead, towards the Forbidden Forest. There was a light on in Hagrid's hut. Ron shrugged his whiskers and approached the hut. Perhaps Hagrid would help him in his state. After all, the half-giant had a soft spot for animals great and small alike. As Ron climbed the steps of Hagrid's hut, he heard a deep rumbling voice. Out of curiosity, Ron climbed onto the windowsill and peered inside.

"What should I do next?" Hagrid asked with a deep giggle. He was talking to Madame Maxime whose large head was floating eerily in the fireplace.

"Oh 'Agrid," she cooed. "Zis floo idea is just fantastic, no?"

"It would be better if you were 'ere," Hagrid said wistfully. "But this isn't bad either."

"Now 'Agrid, take off your pants!" Madame Maxime insisted.

"Yes Headmistress," Hagrid boomed. Ron watched in horror as the half-giant loosened his belt and lowered his pants. For a moment Ron thought he was staring at rock cakes. Then the realisation dawned upon him. Oh Merlin's beard! They're not rock cakes! My eyes! Oh ye gods! My eyes! Ron's mind cried.

"Oh my," Madame Maxime gasped.

"What animal should I be now?" Hagrid asked.

"Let me zink," Madame Maxime said. "I know! A 'ippogriff!"

Obediently, Hagrid got down on his hands and knees and pranced around the room. "More, more!" Madame Maxime chanted. "Toss your head. Yes! Just like zat. 'Ave you been a naughty 'ippogriff?"

"Yes headmistress," Hagrid brayed. "Please put me on detention."

Ron backed away from the window. He did not want to witness this. In his haste, Ron stepped off the ledge and fell from the windowsill. Ron shrieked in fear as he plummeted into the darkness. Just as he was about to hit the ground, a large gloved hand came out of the oblivion and caught him. Ron sighed in relief. But when he turned to look his saviour, relief quickly turned to horror. Ron had landed in the hands of Lucius Malfoy.

"There you are Wormtail. I've been looking everywhere for you. There's no time for you to transfigure. The Dark Lord requires your company immediately," Lucius Malfoy drawled sinisterly. "Our lord is in quite a state. He's feeling particularly randy this evening. There isn't a moment to spare. Even the house elves aren't safe."

"But I'm not Wormtail!" Ron squeaked desperately. It was to no avail. Lucius Malfoy was impervious to his cry. The dark wizard clenched Ron tightly between his fingers and apparated.

*

Ron re-emerged in Voldemort's bedroom. He was still between the fingers of Lucius Malfoy. The thought of nawing off Lucius' fingers was particularly inviting at that moment. However, Ron became petrified at the sight of an extremely randy Dark Lord.

Lord Voldemort stopped in mid step of his pacing and looked at Lucius expectantly. "Have you' got him?" he demanded.

Lucius nodded and offered up Ron in his hand. Voldemort looked at Ron with his greedy red eyes. He licked his lips in delight. "You've kept me waiting Wormtail, that's very naughty of you."

Ron backed away in horror as Voldemort reached out for him. "Transfigure," Voldemort hissed.

Ron blinked back in fear. Lucius and Voldemort studied him anxiously. "He isn't Wormtail," Voldemort said finally. "He is a boy trapped in the body of a rat."

Lucius looked apologetic. "I am sorry my lord. I'll have him killed immediately. Perhaps I can be of assistance tonight? I will be happy to satisfy your desire my lord," Lucius offered in a seductive voice.

"No," Voldemort barked. "I don't want you, I want him. Leave him on the table and get out."

Lucius complied. He bowed and headed for the door. But before he left, Ron heard the elder Malfoy mutter, "What does it take to get a shag around here?" Ron grinned. Voldemort doesn't want you, he thought triumphantly. He wants me. Ron blanched at the realisation. Thoughts of victory turned quickly to thoughts of fear.

"Finite Incantatem," Voldemort hissed with a wave of his wand. Ron felt a strange sensation wash over him. His form slowly rose from that of a rat to that of a man. The hair disappeared from his body. Soon Ron resumed his natural, naked form. He stood before Voldemort uncertainly.

The Dark Lord hissed in delight. "You are a well endowed boy," he marvelled. "Wormtail is sadly lacking in that department. Frankly I feel nothing when he's poking around in there. Yes, you will do nicely. Now come here boy." Lord Voldemort reached out for Ron with one gnarled grey hand. The poor Gryffindor shrunk back in fear.

"Y-You don't want me," he stuttered. "I'm not that good in bed."

"I can train you," Voldemort hissed as he crept closer.

"I have diseases," Ron tried again.

"I'm immune to diseases," Voldemort said as he licked Ron with his forked tongue.

Ron flinched. "I-I, I go limp all the time," he cried.

"We can prop it up with a charm," Voldemort breathed.

Ron thought frantically for an excuse. "It's disobedient. I have no sense of time. It'll be over sooner than you know it," he managed weakly.

Voldemort gave him a harsh look. "You can't escape me so stop creating pathetic excuses," he growled. "You will be my slave forever. Now get in bed!" With one wave of his wand, Voldemort sent Ron flying into the soft, plush satin sheets. Slowly, like a horribly, torturous strip tease, Voldemort removed his black robes.

Ron looked around wildly. It was a nightmare played out in slow motion. He tried to look at everything but Voldemort's sagging, sorry little package. He needed to get out of there. Think Weasley! His mind screamed. Think! Ron looked around desperately. Voldemort crawled towards him, licking his lips as he drew closer. The naked Ron shuffled up to the highest point of the bed. But the satin sheets were extremely slippery. He soon sank into Voldemort's arms.

There was a sudden rap at the door. Ron sighed in relief. "My lord--oh sorry my lord--I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just wanted to know if you require the broom tonight?" Lucius asked. He stood at the door surveying the scene before him coolly. He was holding a Nimbus 2000 in one hand. Ron gaped at the man. Lucius really has nerves of steel, he thought. How can he peer at Voldemort's wrinkly, shrivelled backside and not shriek in fear? Ron eyed the broom with interest. Suddenly, he thought up a reckless escape plan.

"No!" Voldemort hissed. "This boy is very well endowed. I won't be needing the broomstick tonight. Now get out of my sight!"

Lucius grimaced and prepared to close the door when Ron pounced on him. It's now or never! He thought as he made a grab for the broom. In one swift move, Ron yanked the broom away from the startled Lucius and made for the nearest window.

"Stop him!" cried the naked Voldemort. Lucius made a half-hearted attempt at catch Ron. The blonde man failed miserably. With a swift kick, Ron left the draughty castle behind and soared away to a dizzying height. He never once looked back at the frustrated Dark Lord.

Lucius watched with glee as the red haired Weasley flew away into the night. "Well it looks like it's just going to be you and me, my lord," Lucius said seductively.

Voldemort grumbled. His red eyes glowered irately. "I've suddenly got a very nasty headache," he hissed.

*

Ron flew as fast as he could. He did not know where he was heading. So long as I'm not back there, his mind cried. Ron shook his head in shock. This has been the worst day of his life. He was now properly paranoid of April Fools Day. I've been turned into a rat and nearly killed by my best friend. I've had the misfortune of overhearing Hermione discuss quivering wands with Malfoy and complain about my performance in bed. And on top of all that, the Dark Lord tried to rape me. Ron shook his head. It was definitely the worst day of his life.

A light rain fell on the naked, shivering Ron as he approached Hogwarts. Off in the distances, the lights of the school shone like a beckon. Ron breathed a sigh of relief. As the journey wore on, he found his eyes very heavy and droopy. Before he knew it, Ron fell asleep on his broom.

Funny, Ron thought dreamily. This doesn't feel like my bed. Slowly, the sleepy boy opened his eyes. To his horror, he was headed straight for a large tree.

"Holy cricket!" he cried as he tried to pull his broom upwards. But it was a hopeless situation. Ron crashed nose first into the large tree and came to a tumbling stop. The passing branches scraped at Ron's bare bottom.

"Ow!" he howled. He stood up and rubbed his upset bottom. Having cursed the offending tree, Ron tried to mount his broom. The castle was still some way off. Just as Ron was about to take flight, a thick branch slammed into his side.

Oh Morgana's breath! I've crashed into the Whomping Willow, Ron thought in horror. Branch after branch slammed into the helpless boy. He tried his best to dodge the infuriated tree. One branch came dangerously close between his legs. It nearly broke his broom.

"Watch where you're aiming!" he yelled at the tree irrationally. Ron tried desperately to mount the broom again. Just as he straddled the hard wooden shaft of the broom, a thick branch came up behind him and smacked into his back. Ron winced from the pain as he was propelled through the air like a cannon. He was heading straight for Hogwarts.

"Whoa!" Ron screamed. He was flying through the air at an incredible speed. Dear Merlin I'm going to die! He thought. Ron gasped as he saw the window to the Great Hall rise up in front of him. He was moving to fast towards it. He was sure to crash. Ron threw up his hands to shield his face.

The school had just settled down for their evening meal when a flying projectile came hurtling through the glass window. The students shrieked and ducked out of the way as bits of glass flew everywhere. Dumbledore stood up and tried calm the students. Professor McGonagall quickly waved a Reparo Charm over the window so that the broken glass would not injure anyone.

Ron came to a skidding stop in the middle of the Great Hall. The students grew silent and stared at the intruder. Ron stood up uncertainly and rubbed his sore bottom. All eyes turned to him. For a moment the red-haired boy forgot his state pf nakedness and walked shakily to the Gryffindor table.

Hermione dropped her fork in shock. The clatter of the cutlery jolted Ron out of his daze. He looked around at the full room and screamed. He tried desperately to cover his naked form with his broom. But that did not work very well.

Someone at the Ravenclaw table began to whisper. "It's true! It really is fourteen inches," the girl exclaimed.

A few of the Slytherin girls swooned at the sight of Ron. Draco scowled. "Bloody show off," he grumbled as he fiddled around with his belt. "It's how you use it that counts."

"My word Ron, I had no idea..." Harry gasped. He looked at his best friend with new eyes. Ron felt distinctly uncomfortable and backed away from Harry as quickly as possible.

He turned to Hermione. She looked as if the library had burnt down. Her large brown eyes gaped at him with disbelief. Ron turned a brilliant shade of scarlet and tried to explain. But nothing adequate came out.

"Look Hermione, I'm sorry that I haven't been as attentive. I promise to suck your toes and whip you senseless, that's if you want that sort of game. Whatever suggestions you have, I'm open," he said.

Hermione looked at him as if he had grown a second head. She looked about the table anxiously. The others gaped at her with interest. She tried to dismiss it with a weak smile. "Ronald Weasley what are you saying?" she said through gritted teeth.

Ron looked uncomfortably at the prying eyes around him. He was suddenly very cold. He hopped agitatedly from foot to foot. "I'm saying that I solemnly swear to shag you senseless," he said loudly. "But for the love of Merlin my wand is shrivelling. Would someone please get me some clothes?"

Dumbledore chuckled merrily from the head table. "Fourteen points to Gryffindor and may we never forget this glorious day," he murmured.