The Scarlett Letter

A/N: Thanks to those who have reviewed this story so far! Your feedback is very much appreciated!

Disclaimer: I have never, and will never, be able to take Harry Potter away from JK. Lady Chatterley belongs to the incomparable D. H. Lawrence. "I quit this bitch" belongs to the idolized Inetta the Mood Setta. Hmm, seems like I'm left with nothing except a few scraps that won't make money anyway. Ah, well--such is fanfiction.

Chapter Eight

Scarlett's True Colors

Hermione woke up on Friday morning in an absolute jitter. She jumped out of bed at 6:00 and took to the shower, where she hummed merrily to herself for half-an-hour before using up the last of the hot water. She jumped out of the clouds of steam and got dressed, then headed out of her dormitory. Dawn's light was just beginning to peek in through castle's many windows, casting large, pale yellow shafts across the halls.

When Hermione entered the Great Hall she saw only Ginny, who was patiently waiting for her at the empty Gryffindor table. The bushy-haired girl skipped over to her friend and said, "You're up already?"

"Couldn't sleep," Ginny said with a mischievous grin, "especially not with what's happening today."

"Oh, I know," Hermione said, rubbing her hands together. "I can't wait for the heads to roll!"

And they sat at the table for another quarter-hour before an expansive array of breakfast food appeared right in front of them. Ginny piled scrambled eggs and biscuits on her plate; Hermione took two Bratwursts.

At that moment Dumbledore entered the Great Hall, looking almost as serene as Luna and just as batty. Ginny turned her head swiftly towards the old man, then looked back at Hermione, excitement in her eyes. "So. . . are you going to ask him?" she whispered.

"Me?" Hermione said, taken suddenly aback.

"Yes, you," Ginny said. "He's much more likely to listen to the prefect who got 11 OWLs than the mischief-making, red-headed Weasley."

"Not really," Hermione argued, dropping her voice as Dumbledore strode past them and pretended as if he heard nothing. "He's a fair man; he'll listen to you just as much as he'd listen to me."

Ginny put on a pout. "But you're smarter," she said, coaxing. "You have the best brains of all of us. You'd know exactly what to say, because you are the best person in all Hogwarts at figuring things."

Hermione's lip twitched at the flattery. She ran a hand through her bushy hair and said, "Well, if you put it like that. . . wish me luck!" And she followed Dumbledore up to the empty head table. Ginny followed her at a distance of fifty feet and waited with baited breath.

Hermione reached Dumbledore just as he reached his chair. He sat down without noticing her and put a pile of sausage on his plate. Steam rose gently from the hot food as he took his knife and proceeded to cut the first sausage into pieces.

"Er, ahem," Hermione cleared her throat nervously.

Dumbledore looked up from his first bite and saw his audience of one. "Ah, Miss Granger," he said pleasantly. "What may I do for you?"

"Um," she said nervously. She cleared her throat again and said, "Well, I. . . had a suggestion."

"Ah, a fresh idea!" Dumbledore said, quite delighted. "I would love to hear it. I am never too old to learn something new."

"Okay, then," Hermione said, still nervous. "I thought that. . . I thought that it would be nice if the Hogwarts Board of Governors knew more about the students at this school. I mean to say, ever since Lucius Malfoy bought his way back into their midst, they've been making some horrible decisions. I was sorry to hear that they cut the teachers' salaries by five hundred galleons a year."

"It's a pity," Dumbledore said sorrowfully. He picked up a link sausage and began sucking the grease off its head meditatively. "Poor Professor Vector had to cancel her vacation to the Bahamas last summer because of it."

"Exactly," Hermione said, gathering up a bit more of her Gryffindor bravery now that Dumbledore was agreeing with her. "See, the governors don't know much about us. So I thought it would be best if they ate lunch here in the Great Hall each time they came here for a board meeting. So they can get to know us better, see."

Dumbledore's face lit up. "My dear Miss Granger, that is the best idea I have heard in a long time." She couldn't tell whether he was serious or not. Whichever way, he continued: "Thirty points to Gryffindor. As it so happens, we have a board meeting today at 10:00 this morning. I'll invite them to lunch at 12:00."

"Better make it 12:30," Hermione put in quickly. "Because, um, because. . . just because. . ."

"I agree with you," Dumbledore said empathetically as he began on his Bratwurst. Hermione supposed he must find a tiny detail like an explanation totally pointless. "At 12:30 the school governors will dine with us in the Great Hall. My dear Miss Granger, you are truly the smartest witch of your age; you and Miss Weasley together, in fact."

Hermione blushed a brilliant red at this compliment. She turned away as Dumbledore thrust his sausage into a soft, round bun and began chewing reflectively.

"How'd it go?" Ginny whispered excitedly as Hermione returned to the table. By now a few other students had entered the Great Hall, so they kept their voices down.

"Great," Hermione said happily. "Dumbledore was all for it. He didn't even ask why he should invite the board governors at 12:30 instead of 12:00."

Ginny shook her head and looked up at her headmaster, who was smile serenely as his sausage. "He's a weird one, all right."

"Yeah, he is," Hermione said empathetically. "He's also really strange. Do you ever get the feeling that he knows more than he lets on?"

A chuckled quivered on Ginny's lips as she gazed up at Dumbledore. "All the time," she said, "all the time."

**********

It had been five days since the start of the girls' mass detention, and already Hogwarts sparkled like a new toy in the sunlight. Filch was quite enjoying his break from the constant cleaning that normally swallowed up his free time. He had spent the first part of the morning with Irma Pince in the library, then the second part going on a walk with Mrs. Norris. They were passing the Owlery when Filch suddenly heard voices coming from the large, drafty room in front of them--student voices, no less! Someone was skipping class!

"Who's in there?!" Filch growled. The voices stopped immediately. "Don't think I can't hear you, even if I can't see you!" He allowed Mrs. Norris to scamper forward into the room to catch the miscreants. He followed behind her at an uneven gait, grinning evilly at the chance to assign even more detentions.

But when he entered the Owlery, there was no one there. Mrs. Norris mewled loudly, possibly in confusion, or possibly in annoyance at their failure to find anything. Filch was rather confused himself; those students couldn't have simply disappeared into thin air!

Mrs. Norris mewed again. The sound echoed ominously in the silent room.

Wait, the room wasn't supposed to be this silent! Filch stared up towards the rafter and gasped, his heartbeat racing as he realized--

All the owls were gone! Not one single perch was occupied. Not one single hoot floated down from the rafters. All that was left was a vast expanse of empty roosts and a poopy floor.

Then the door behind them slammed shut with such a suddenness that Filch jumped. "THEY'RE ESCAPING!" Filch yelled to his cat. "AFTER THEM!"

From the other side of the door came the muffled sound of a girl casting a spell: "Colloportus!"

"DAMN IT!" Filch shrieked, recognizing the sealing charm. Those damned kids had five minutes of a head start, and there was nothing he could do about it! "DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!" he screamed again. "I'M GOING TO DUMBLEDORE OVER THIS, I SWEAR!"

And so he and Mrs. Norris waited as the sealing spell faded away. After six-and-a-half minutes and thirteen tries, Filch finally managed to force the door open with a squelching sound. Then he ran down the halls as fast as his uneven footsteps would allow as his cat followed behind at an easy lope.

They reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office five minutes later. "BERTIE BOTT'S EVERY-FLAVORED CONDOMS!" he screamed at the gargoyle, who jumped aside and let him onto the revolving staircase. Filch balanced on the top step, fuming at the abominably slow pace of his ascent. After a minute (though to Filch it seemed more like an hour) he reached the door to Dumbledore's office. He pounded loudly on the doorjamb and shouted, "DUMBLEDORE, OPEN UP!"

A moment later the door swung open, and Dumbledore appeared calmly at the other side. "Ah, my faithful caretaker," he said calmly. "What is it?"

"THE OWLS ARE GONE!!" Argus shrieked, his voice bouncing back and forth across the stairwell. "SOME OF THOSE ABOMINABLE STUDENTS WERE LURKING IN THE OWLERY, AND I KNOW THAT THEY DID IT! THEY EVEN SEALED ME AND MRS. NORRIS IN THE DAMN ROOM!"

"Mrs. Norris and me," Dumbledore corrected him.

"AND YOUR PASSWORD IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! BERTIE BOTT'S EVERY-FLAVORED CONDOMS AREN'T EVEN SWEETS!"

"I must disagree with you on that account," Dumbledore said. "They are very much a sweet, and quite tasty, too." Filch turned white at the thought. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of a school board meeting, and, while I'm sure they find our conversation fascinating, they really do need me back. So just look around for the owls, and you'll find them eventually. You're the best caretaker I've ever had; I'm sure you can do the job."

And he shut the door in Filch's face. The only thing that kept the caretaker from swearing at the griffin knocker was the board meeting on the other side. Merlin's beard, he hated his employer sometimes! That man could be ten times as annoying as every one of those blasted students put together!

**********

Only Ginny, Hermione, and Dumbledore knew of the new lunch plans for that day. The teachers entered the Great Hall at noon in total oblivion. Meanwhile, the boys were exciting themselves over an entirely different matter.

"Scarlett's coming today!" Gregory said excitedly.

"As you've told us a million times already," Blaise said. He rolled his eyes, but he couldn't contain a shiver of anticipation as he sat down at the Slytherin table.

"But I'm just so happy!" Gregory said. "I can hardly contain myself!"

"Try," Draco said dryly. However, far from glowering at his air-headed friends, he indulged himself in a smile and hummed softly to himself. Gregory was too excited to even notice his friend's sudden cheer.

Around them the other Hogwarts students had settled down for a nice lunch before their afternoon classes. They stacked food onto their plates and began their typical noon conversation when a sudden flurry near the ceiling caught their attention.

Gregory, along with the rest of the school, looked up and saw, much to his surprise, a wave of owls pouring from the rafters. "Strange," he said aloud, "the owls never deliver this much mail at lunch. Why didn't they come at breakfast?"

But then he saw what the owls carried: they each bore an identical piece of mail clutched in their claws. A magazine, to be exact. They swooped down on the students and began dive-bombing them with no less than a thousand copies of The Scarlett Letter. The newsletters cut through the bread and splashed into the pumpkin juice. They skipped over the sausage before skittering across the floor and leaving long grease marks. They bounced off people's shoulders. One copy flew straight into Colin's head. Another hit Gregory square in between the eyes and instantaneously raised a large, yellow bruise. Professor Vector ducked beneath the table as no less than a dozen owls dropped their merchandise on her head.

"Owowow!" Gregory cried as he dabbed a milk-soaked napkin against his swelling bruise. "That hurt!"

"What is this, Wizard War III?!" Seamus shrieked as a magazine landed a glancing blow to his crotch.

"Dumbledore, do something!!" McGonagall yelled in panic as she threw a magazine at a fat barn owl. The barn owl hooted indignantly and threw it back. "I swear, I never subscribed to this sh--trash!"

"THOSE ARE ALL THE MISSING OWLS!!!" Filch screamed, purple with rage, as Madam Pince endeavored to calm him.

"Oh, dear!" Luna breathed as she stared up at the roiling mass of owls. "What have the filly-bugs done to you poor things?"

But then the owls had delivered all the mail they had. They flew back towards the rafters, and the flaps of their wings grew fainter in the distance. At long last, the final owl disappeared with a hoot. A silence descended along with a snowfall of feathers. For a long time no one said a word. Seamus clutched a magazine in one hand and his injured crotch in the other. Gregory had dropped the napkin and now stared at the newsletter, unmoving. Hermione and Ginny pressed their knuckles against their mouths to keep their laughter from escaping. And Dumbledore sat watching the whole thing, clearly unfazed and unworried.

Then Gregory reached out and grasped a copy of The Scarlett Letter in his hands. It showed a near-nude Scarlett hiding behind a large statue of a snake. She held a long, pale-blond wig in her hand. Gone were the colorful teasers that had previously adorned the cover. At the top was the title--The Scarlett Letter--and underneath were three words. "Scarlett's True Colors," Gregory read aloud. His quiet voice echoed from wall to wall before fading into a silenced whisper that continued in the minds of everyone around him.

Then every person in the whole hall picked up a copy of The Scarlett Letter simultaneously, as if possessed, and began reading.

~~~~~

The first page showed another picture of Scarlett, this time in a red thong. Her body had become decidedly manlike all of the sudden, from her broad muscled shoulders and hairy chest to her large feet and solid legs. Across this page was splashed the words "I HAVE A SECRET."

The next page was a block of text with one picture at the bottom. It read thus:

The moment for truth has come. For over two weeks now every one of you in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have been enthralled by me. Yes, girls and teachers, I mean you, too. Whether your main goal these past weeks has been to lay me or to lay me low, you all just couldn't put me out of your thoughts.

I can't believe it took you guys so long to figure me out. I congratulate the one boy who noticed the erratic patterns in my erotic photos and spread the information to the rest of the school. You're smarter than the rest of this rabble that's been drooling over my supposed pictures for the past few weeks.

So, what with this new development, I figured it was time to come clean. This vulgar farce is over. For I am not the Scarlett you think I am. See the picture below, and you will know my true identity.

At the bottom of the page was the photograph. It showed a pale-faced man who bore long, blond hair and a sneer of particular superiority.

That man was Lucius Malfoy.

The newsletter continued on the next page:

Now that I am about to leave Scarlett behind, I must give one last round of thanks. You guys have given me so much amusement. I constantly gaze at the luscious bodies in all the juicy photographs you guys sent me. Then I imagine some very naughty stuff for extended periods of time.

To Colin Creevey, Terry Boot, Seamus Finnegan, and Dean Thomas: thank you for starting my fan club and inviting me to this school. I was quite tickled by all the nice stuff you said about me.

To Pansy Parkinson, Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, Romilda Vane, and Daphne Greengrass: thank you for running The Conspiracy. This lent me hours of endless amusement. I loved watching you guys try and best me, when all I did to make my newsletter was to plagiarize photos from a variety of porn magazines.

To the staff at Hogwarts: thank you for providing so much resistance, thus creating some delicious friction to balance out all the excitement. I especially thank you for asking me not to come to Hogwarts, because now I have the chance to show you that I can and will go against your requests. Ah, what fun!

To Gregory Goyle: I love you! . . . or at least your body. I spent a longer time gazing at your photos than I did anyone else's. Too bad I never got to fulfill my To Do List--we would have had so much fun together! Oh well, I guess I'll have to go back to using my imagination.

This wonderful bit of fun is over. I now only have a bunch of photos and my house-elves to keep me amused. That is, until I go to the gentleman's club tonight. Thank you so much, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, for everything you have given me. It was my pleasure to give so much back.

Hugs and kisses,

Lucius Malfoy

The next page showed a truly disgusting picture of Lucius Malfoy in a tight red thong, his hips swung outward and his lips puckered up in a kiss. Afterwards were a few nude shots, which fully showed how out-of-shape and undesirable Lucius really was. Then the seventh and last issue of The Scarlett Letter was over.

~~~~~

For a long while there was silence in the hall. There were more than enough copies of the newsletter to go around, and in five minutes every boy, girl, and teacher had read Scarlett's horrible secret.

Seamus was the first to speak. "This is outrageous!" he cried. "What was she playing at?!"

"He," Colin corrected glumly.

"UGH!!!" Seamus screeched in reply. "That's so disgusting! Why the hell would Lucius Malfoy do something like that?!?"

"And now he has all my pictures!" Terry wailed. "Ewww, he's been looking at every one of them! And he probably masturbated on them, too! The fucking pervert!! I hate him!"

The teachers were still too shocked to take off points from Ravenclaw for Terry's outburst. McGonagall was mouthing wordlessly at the Lucius' nude pictures. Flitwick's eyes were practically hanging out of his head. Professor Vector was trying her gamely best to appear pleased at this new development instead of severely disappointed. Dumbledore, however, look quite delighted.

"Wait. . . so. . . ugh!" Euan Abercrombie couldn't manage much more than that. The first- and second-years pretended to throw up into their lunches. The older students, however, were much more vocal.

"That disgusting pervert ought to be arrested!" Justin Finch-Fletchley said furiously. "He's a danger to the students!"

"Yeah, he might rape the younger ones who aren't old enough to defend themselves!" Dennis put in, thoroughly overexcited.

"I can't keep from laughing!" Parvati told them both. "Serves you guys right, trusting a total stranger like that!"

And so the conversation went. Many of The Conspirators couldn't help but laugh and gag at the same time over the thought of Lucius Malfoy being the real Scarlett. The boys, however, were steaming mad and quite outraged over the whole thing. The teacher, after they had gotten over their initial shock, were getting used to the idea of Lucius being behind the whole thing. Already Flitwick and McGonagall were planning his demise in all its colorfully ugly detail.

One person, however, wasn't joining in the conversation. Gregory Goyle lay sunk to the floor, sobbing pitifully. A throbbing ache such as he never felt before filled his chest. He rubbed at his tears with the milk-sodden napkin, but the poor cloth was already so soaked that it only made his face even wetter.

"Gregory?" He looked up and saw, through his waterlogged vision, that Pansy stood above him. A soft shine glistened on her smooth cheeks, and a light filled her beautiful black eyes. To Gregory, she looked like an angel.

"I thought she loved me," Gregory moaned softly as more tears pooled in her eyes. "But she doesn't."

"You'll have to get over it, Gregory," Pansy said softly, her voice surprisingly comforting. "She isn't real."

Gregory's sobs grew louder. "She was to me," he managed to choke out. His chest heaved up and down

with each new flood of tears.

Pansy gazed at him pityingly, then took him in her arms. For a long while Gregory cried into her shoulder, his sobs muffled by her robes. She waited patiently for him to calm down, but embraced him willingly. "Okay, it's time to dry those tears," she said a while later. "We're going up to the Slytherin common room to write a long, nasty letter to Lucius Malfoy. To do that, we can't be sad--we have to be mad!"

"Okay," Gregory agreed, his voice thick. He wiped his last tears on his sleeve as he stood up. "Wait," he said suddenly. "What about Draco?"

"What about him?" Pansy said. There was little bitterness in her voice--only a tinge amidst her otherwise neutral expression.

"Well, won't he be humiliated by all this?" Gregory said. "Won't he be crushed by his dad's behavior?"

Pansy took one glance over at Draco, who was talking excitedly to Blaise and Theodore, and said, "He doesn't look crushed to me. If anything, he looks overjoyed."

"Okay," Gregory said. "Then let's leave." So they headed for the door to the Entrance Hall. They were barely ten feet from it when the gigantic clock near the Infirmary tolled the arrival of the half-hour. At that moment, the door before them swung open, and the board governors entered to lunch in the Great Hall, as Dumbledore had requested during their meeting. Lucius was in the lead, looking very much like he had just passed another few limiting decrees against the school.

Pansy and Gregory stopped short and stared at him. The rest of the students followed their lead, and for a long moment everyone in the Great Hall gazed at Lucius with wide, angry eyes.

Then Pansy grabbed a sausage from a nearby platter at the Slytherin table and threw it straight at Lucius. It hit him square in his gaping mouth and lodged itself in his throat. "HA!" Pansy shrieked as the blond-haired man bent over double as he choked out the sausage. "THERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU TO SUCK ON!"

Lucius turned to Pansy, fury flashing in his cold gray eyes. "How. . .dare. . . you?!?" he hissed as he pulled forth his wand. He advanced towards the Slytherin girl, who curled her lip defiantly at him.

He didn't get a step farther. A large egg sailed through the air from the direction of the Gryffindor table and splashed across his face. He stood rooted to the spot in shock.

"TAKE THIS, PEDOPHILE!" Katie Bell cried as she threw a treacle tart at Lucius. It hit him in the stomach.

Nothing could stop what happened next. Every student in Hogwarts reached for the nearest plate and started throwing food at Lucius Malfoy. Each missile was accompanied by a personal insult.

"I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON VOLDEMORT DURING YOUR NEXT DEATH EATER DEBAUCHERY!!" A bundle of grapes hit his cheek.

"SHOVE YOUR WAND UP YOUR ASS AND DIE!" A long sprig of celery coated with peanut butter slammed itself against his chest.

"IF YOU GOVORNERS HAD ANY SENSE, YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF THIS PERVERT LONG AGO!" A steaming shepherd's pie flew straight in his face.

"GO JUMP IN A LAKE! YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO FUCK A MERMAID!!" An empty, greasy platter hit him straight in the groin.

"NO, NO, NO!" Hermione cried. "THE HOUSE-ELVES WITH HAVE TO CLEAN THIS ALL UP!" But then she took a particularly large watermelon and Banished it with a wave of her wand. It hit Lucius in the gut. "SCORE!"

Everybody got into the spirit of things. Gregory threw a butter dish, a soup tureen, and a pitcher of cream at the pervert of a school governor. Seamus and Dean had a competition to see who would hit Lucius the most times. And Ron later told anyone who would listen that he had thrown no less than thirty-one food dishes at the blond-haired Death Eater--no, thirty-five--no, forty-seven--no, fifty-eight. . .

The other school governors jumped out of the range of fire. They ended up amongst the students, where they wrestled the remaining bits of food from the boys and girls, then took their own turns aiming and firing at the soon-to-be-ex-governor Malfoy. Even the teachers hurled their own missiles and insults at Malfoy. McGonagall managed to plug him in the crotch with a stream of lemonade. Flitwick charmed a teacup to bite Lucius's butt each time he tried to bat it away. And for many years Dumbledore would recall how he Spelled the knife that sliced neatly down the middle of Lucius's pants and left him in his underwear.

Colin, meanwhile, had pulled out his camera and was documenting the whole thing on film. With each mad click he caught Lucius Malfoy in increasingly embarrassing poses and situations. Lucius tried to stumbled away from the incessant flashing, but kept getting knocked down by another barrage of food with each attempt.

At long last the degraded governor reached the door. "WE HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS NOW!" Roger shrieked after him. "YOU'RE GONNA BE RUINED--WE'LL MAKE SURE OF IT!!" Then Lucius pushed open the double doors as was gone.

Everyone in the hall broke into cheers. Clearly it wasn't simply the Gryffindors and the teachers that were glad to see the last of him. Even the Slytherins and the school governors were applauding their massive joint effort in humiliating Voldemort's worst Death Eater. Never had the whole school been in such a good mood, not even when the Chamber of Secrets closed four years ago.

At the Gryffindor table Ron turned to Harry and Hermione. "Well, that was unexpected," he said, grinning widely. "I haven't had so much fun since I snogged Hermione last night!"

"Be discreet, Ron," Hermione reprimanded him. "Oh, and thanks for letting me use your invisibility cloak, Harry." She pulled the silvery cloak from her bag and handed it across the table to her raven-haired friend.

"No problem," Harry said as he stuffed the cloak into his own schoolbag. "What'd you use it for?"

"A good cause," Hermione answered evasively.

Before Harry got a chance to ask what good cause Hermione was talking about, Parvati appeared in their midst. "We gave that whore what she--er, he--deserved, didn't we?" she said excitedly.

"We most certainly did," Hermione said with wry smile. "I don't think Scarlett will haunt this school any longer."

"Good riddance!" Parvati said empathetically. "I was getting so sick--wait!" she stopped and suddenly looked perplexed. "How could this all be correct?"

"What do you mean?" Hermione said swiftly.

"Scarlett was supposed to be your friend!" Parvati cried accusingly. "How could Lucius Malfoy be matey with you? You're Muggleborn!"

"Ah," Hermione said. "As a matter of fact, I do have a friend named Scarlett. She is a very beautiful girl who did indeed go to my primary school and who did indeed become a privately-tutored witch. However, she was never a porn star. We found out that Lucius Malfoy had stolen her identity--he was pretending to be her."

Parvati's eyes widened. "That's a serious offense, that is!" she said, her voice hushed. "What did you guys do about it?"

"We uncovered him," Hermione said. "Ginny, Scarlett, and I published today's issue of the newsletter to get back at him."

"Wow!" Parvati whispered, staring at her with hero-worship in her gaze. "How in the world did you manage that?"

Ginny appeared at Hermione's shoulder. "Ah, we couldn't have done it by ourselves," she said. "We had inside help."

Parvati cocked her head to one side. "Inside help?" she said pensively. "Who would that be?"

"Draco Malfoy," Hermione said. "He sent us each and every photo in this last edition of the magazine. Without him, today's newsletter would not have been possible. We owe the destruction of The Scarlett Letter all to him."

"To. . . to Draco Malfoy?" Parvati said as a comprehension dawned in her eyes. "So he isn't like his father after all!"

"No, he isn't," Ginny said warmly. "In fact, deep down he's quite the opposite. It'll only take a dedicated woman to bring out the best in him."

And they left Parvati in deep thought. Harry watched Hermione's and Ginny's retreating backs and shook his head in amusement.

~~~~~

Up at the teacher's table Dumbledore smiled down at his students. McGonagall and Flitwick had gathered around him to stare out at the sea of food and magazines, both smiling and holding hands.

He looked out at the students again and tried to hide a superiority in his smile. "See, Minerva?" he said. "I told you something good would come out of this disaster."

McGonagall's heart was even lighter than Flitwick. What with Scarlett gone and Lucius publicly humiliated, how could she not be happy? "I was still right to try and put a stop to it," she said, unable to hide her grin.

"I expect you to help me spread this story to the press, then," Dumbledore said.

"Agreed," McGonagall agreed. "Filius and I will make sure that he loses all his standing in proper society."

"Oh good," Dumbledore said. "I'm feeling cheerful enough to make a speech." And he stood up in his chair.

"No, Albus!" McGonagall cried out quickly. "Please. . . no. The students will figure out the moral to this incident by themselves; we needn't hammer it into their skulls."

"Oh?" Dumbledore said, a bit disappointed to lose his speech. "At least let me give Miss Granger and Miss Weasley awards for special services to the school."

"Whatever for?" Flitwick said, confused.

"Special services to the school," Dumbledore repeated, slowly and clearly. "What else for?"

**********

Lucuis Malfoy, poor creature, got so much mail that afternoon that it took him past midnight to wade through it all. Just a few letters among the many:

Lucius Malfoy,

You are fucking disgusting, and I hate you. I still can't believe you invented that hideous magazine--what kind of messed-up pervert does that?! I demand my money back!

Seamus Finnegan

~~~~~

Lucius,

Okay, you're not wicked sick--you're just sick. You are absolutely icky. I don't know if you've heard, but it's recently fallen out of fashion for forty-year-olds to chase after school-age children; it hasn't happened in England for over 100 years. Of course you're a narrow-minded Pureblood, so you might still think it's in style. But then there's another problem: this style of pedophiliac cradle-robbing has never been in fashion between two men. So it can't be your Pureblooded shit--you're just very wonky in the head. Oh, and I'll be needing my money back. ALL of it. You're filthy rich; you can afford it.

Terry Boot

P.S. What exactly do you do with your house-elves??

~~~~~

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

First things first: I thought you were evil and scary, but now I just see you as yucky and ridiculous. I can't believe you'd trick us like that! It shows just how mean you are. I still can't believe you were so dumb as to reveal this last issue of The Scarlett Letter. You could have made some more excuses, or simply backed out altogether. But why reveal your idiotic scheme? I thought you were supposed to be a cunning Slytherin. I guess cunting Slytherin would be more accurate.

Oh, and what's your thing with Harry? You're obviously a Death Eater, so you should hate him. But he's on the top of your To Do List. Why is that? Is sex stronger than your loyalties? I'll bet it is, you sicko. I demand my money back.

Sincerely,

Colin Creevey

~~~~~

Lucius,

I absolutely hate you. I thought you loved me, but now I realize that it was all lust. You enjoyed playing your little games with me, what with all your seductive notes and appealing schemes. But now I write to tell you this: it's all over. However much you wished for it, you will never get to have sex with me--ever. I'm Pansy's boyfriend now, and I'm staying faithful to her. Heck, I'm not going to even LOOK at another girl, much less you. You're a crazy, nasty pedophile, and I hope you get a thousand life sentences in Azkaban. Go make out with a Dementor, you sick freak. But give me my money back before you do.

Goyle

~~~~~

The worst letter of all, however, Lucius found during dinner, tacked to his place at the head of the grand mahogany dining hall table. It was a howler from his wife. As soon as he touched it, it burst open and shrieked its message throughout the entire Malfoy Manor:

Lucius,

I'm going to be honest with you. I absolutely despise you. Your ridiculous antics have carried on for far too long. If you haven't noticed, nobody likes Death Eaters anymore, thanks mostly to Dumbledore and Harry Potter. Your persistent association with Voldemort has really muddied the Malfoy's public name for the past few decades. You can degrade your own reputation as much as you wish and I won't stop you, but I refuse to let you drag me down as well!

You're also just an awful husband. You're colder than an icicle, and your ideas are even madder than those of that crazy house-elf Dobby that you lost us. You never speak to me anymore--I sometimes think you'd rather go to sleep with Voldemort than with your own wife. You're also a bad father. All those ridiculous decrees that you've forced the school governors to pass at Hogwarts have greatly compromised my sweet Draco's education.

BUT The last straw came today when Draco sent me a letter detailing your embarrassing involvement with your porn magazine, The Scarlett Letter. In the past I have secretly given you many nasty names, but gay pedophile was never one of them. I could have taken the news that you were gay--so many others are coming out the closet nowadays. It may have taken a while getting used to the idea that I married someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, but I would have eventually gotten over it. However, I cannot ever get used to the idea that you are an overeager child-ogler! What with the homosexuality, I now realize that you're more likely to have sex with Draco than with me!

So I'm telling you that I won't stand for it. I'm leaving, and I'm taking Draco with me so that you won't force yourself on him. Then I'm filing for divorce, and taking as much as I can with me! But even if you get the manor, Draco and I can survive just fine in the Wizarding World. We have a myriad of Pureblood relatives that aren't Death Eaters, including Andromeda BLACK Tonks. Yes, we'd stoop to living with her Muggle-born husband if we had to! Why should we be ashamed to do so, when the top student in Draco's year is that buck-toothed Granger?

you're too low to even deserve my hatred! I won't stand your farcical ideologies any longer! And if you're still confused, I'm going to make it very clear TO you: I quit this bitch.

~~~~~

Around noon, the Daily Prophet got a letter in a large, golden envelope that bore the Hogwarts crest:

Dear Sirs and Madams:

Enclosed in this envelope is the story of the year. It is a ruinous documentation on Lucius Malfoy and his most recent escapades at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is a scandal and a sensation that involves a prominent public figure.

Lucius Malfoy may try to buy you off so that you don't print this story. We at Hogwarts strongly discourage you from accepting his bribes--a story like this comes only once in a lifetime, and it would be loath of you not to take the chance this opportunity provides. It will make you more money than Malfoy could ever give you. If you don't print this story, the smaller magazines will snap it up before you do and make a lot of money in the process (none of us have forgotten The Quibbler's controversial interview with Harry Potter last year).

We sincerely hope you take this chance and publish this story.

With the best of wishes,

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Filius Flitwick, Charms Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Verity Vector, Arithmancy Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~~~

Even Minister Fudge received a few letters during the evening of this busy day:

Memo to Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic

From The British Wizarding Institution of Pornography:

Doubtless you have heard rumors of Lucius Malfoy's most recent escapades. It has recently come to light that he was posing as Scarlett, who was to be our lead star in our business. Without her, we cannot get started. No other witch was willing to play the lead role in so many movies. Along with her we have also lost every one of her fans. It is with sincere regret that we must inform you of our termination. We need you to sign the enclosed form that mandates Lucuis Malfoy to return the advance we mistakenly sent him. We also recommend jail time.

~~~~~

Dear Sir:

I'm a bit confused and frightened. Why did you have sex with Lucius Malfoy? He wrote all about the incident in his fake magazine, The Scarlett Letter. It's no wonder that he gets so much done at the Ministry of Magic. Not only does he buy you off with money, but he buys you off with sex! I don't know if I can trust a Minister who is as corrupt as this. Please reconsider your qualifications for our nation's most important office.

Sincerely,

Euan Abercrombie

~~~~~

The last notable letter of the day came to Snape late during dinner. The stationery and the envelope smelled slightly of lady's perfume:

Dear Severus,

I have heard many praises about you from my son Draco. From the sound of it, you're an upstanding gentleman and a truly competent professor. It's hard to find a proper gentleman who is also a teacher nowadays, so, needless to say, I am quite interested in meeting you. Perhaps I could see you next Friday at 8:00 P.M. for a parent-teacher conference at Hogwarts. I hope you have the time, because I would very much appreciate speaking with you.

Please reply. I looking forward to getting to know you better.

With due sincerity,

Narcissa

**********

That evening the teachers had a small party in the staff room, not only to celebrate The Scarlett Letter's demise, but also to celebrate Lucius Malfoy's downfall. Flitwick and McGonagall organized a modest feast with the help of the house-elves. Vector took charge of the decorating, and in fifteen minutes she had covered the room in multi-colored party streamers and clouds of thick, blue bubbles that refused to pop.

As the staff settled down with platefuls of food and goblets of wine, Dumbledore pulled out the last issue of The Scarlett Letter and began flipping through it for the hundredth time that day. "What a to-do this has been," he remarked calmly as he surveyed the photos with a keen eye. "I think I'll frame the picture of Lucius in a thong and put it up in my office so that I can remember today's events forever and ever."

"No, Albus," Minerva said firmly. "Remember this day in any way but that." She wasn't yet tipsy enough to withhold a severe glare.

"Believe me, I will," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "With any luck, the documentation that you and Flitwick wrote will be published tomorrow morning.

"We had the most fun writing it," Flitwick said, flashing McGonagall a quick smile. "And we gave Mr. Creevey 100 points and 100 galleons for the rights to his photos. Is it okay that we dramatized a few moments?"

"As in exaggerated?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling. "Why, certainly--though I can't see how you could have done that. The whole thing was quite unbelievable as it was."

McGonagall took a small sip of wine from her glass. "Unbelievable or not, once tomorrow's issue of The Daily Prophet arrives, you'll have something that I will allow you to frame on your wall."

After this, the staff proceeded in getting quite drunk. Professor Sinistra and Hagrid performed a noisy rendition of the school song. Flitwick and McGonagall began an energetic bout of footsie, and Dumbledore read lengthy passages out of his favorite Muggle book in a very loud voice. Nobody paid him any attention, as they had heard all of Lady Chatterley's escapades too many times to count.

McGonagall interrupted her game of footsie to go to the bathroom. As she rushed from the room, her hand pressed against her crotch as if to hold back the flood bursting to come forth, Professor Vector took her place beside Flitwick. "Hey, Filius," she said. She wasn't as intoxicated as the other teachers, so her voice still wavered a bit in hesitation.

Professor Flitwick looked up, a confused expression suddenly flitting across his drunken demeanor. "Oh, it's you," he said dully.

"Yeah," Vector said. "Look, I'm. . . I'm sorry about. . . about, you know--"

"I won't know until you tell me," Flitwick said, a bit impatiently.

Vector hemmed and hawed a bit more before finishing in a rush. "Um, for. . . um. . . I'm sorry for getting mad at you simply because you asked me out, er, too many times."

"Oh," Flitwick said showing barely any emotion. "Oh. Okay. It's alright."

"Yeah, guess so," Vector said. "Especially now that. . . I mean to say, am I wrong, or are you and Minerva together now?"

Flitwick blushed slightly. "Um, we're going on a date on Valentine's Day," he mumbled, not quite meeting her eye.

Vector smiled. "I'm happy for you," she said. "Minerva's hot."

"Yeah, she is," Flitwick agreed, apparently finding nothing out of the ordinary with Vector's comment.

Vector shifted her feet uncomfortably. "Yeah. . ." she repeated as she took another sip from her wine glass. "Yeah, good luck to both of you. See you later." And she quickly slipped back into the party.

**********

At five minutes to eight the halls were already mostly empty. The boys were gathering in the Gryffindor common room for the final meeting of Scarlett's Fan Club. At the same time the girls were preparing a conference of their own in the Room of Requirement.

Only a few stragglers still remained in the corridors. Vincent Crabbe was one of them. He was on his way through the darkened entrance hall when he suddenly ran into Eloise Midgen.

"Hi, Vincent," Eloise said. Her pimples shone softly in the moonlight that spilled in through the rippling windows in front of her.

"Eloise," Vincent simply, and he leaned forward and gave her a quick, promising kiss on the lips. "Are we still on for the Astronomy Tower tonight?"

"After the meetings," Eloise said with an anticipant smile.

Vincent smiled back. "What're you girls going to be talking about tonight?"

"I don't quite know," Eloise said truthfully. "They'll probably be all excited at Scarlett's miserable failure. Gosh, I hope we don't go on for too long on that same subject."

Vincent smiled wryly. "And I hope I won't have to listen to the boys moaning about the exact same thing for an hour. It'd be nice if we actually got something productive done."

Eloise laughed lightly. It was a soft, silvery laugh that sent Vincent's heart racing. "Not likely," she said. She gave him another kiss, this time longer and deeper. After a few moments she began to pull away, but Vincent held her closer and pressed his lips against hers for a while longer, savoring her sweet taste and her warm breath amidst his own.

When they drew away from each other he still held her by the shoulders, his gaze interlocked with hers. "Listen, d'you. . . d'you want to make this relationship, er, official?" he asked nervously. "I mean, like actually go out on dates and let the rest of the school know about us? It didn't seem like a good idea at first--except that something's happened by now. The houses seem to be. . . closer, like they wouldn't mind if a Hufflepuff was dating a Slytherin."

Eloise thought for a moment, her expression pensive. She pulled Vincent a bit nearer to herself and said, "You know, I think you're right. I don't believe that the students would mind us going out any longer. In fact, I even heard Parvati talking nicely about Malfoy today. Not too nicely, mind you, but at least as if she didn't mind him any longer."

With her words a smile spread across Vincent's lips. "I agree," he said at last. "I do believe a new age has come upon Hogwarts." And he gave her one last kiss before they parted.

~~~~~

Three minutes later Vincent slipped into the Gryffindor common room with a secret smile on his face. He was just in time to see Colin come forward to the center of the group.

The mood in the room was very somber, almost as if someone had died. The boys didn't speak much, nor had they bothered to put up any more Scarlett banners. Yet, amidst their gravity was a tinge of anger, a resentment at Lucius Malfoy's trickery.

"So. . ." Colin said softly. "So. . . Scarlett was a fake."

The boys grumbled angrily. The words "Lucius Malfoy" and "pervert" were more prominent than others.

Colin cleared his throat nervously, and the crowd quieted down. "We've already sent him a good dose of hate mail," Colin said. "But now what? We can only do so much to him."

"We'll just have to hope that the Ministry fines his ass when they discover everything he did!" Seamus bitterly. "To think that he could trick us. . .! Ugh, I almost feel ashamed at the thought!"

"He should have never gotten the best of us like that!" Blaise agreed. "Why did he even have to take Scarlett away from us? He could have easily thought of some excuse to please us, then continued the stupid newsletter."

"But what have we lost, anyway?" Vincent butted in. "The Scarlett Letter is gone. What of it?"

"We've lost a phenomenon!" Blaise cried in distress. "Scarlett was the most exciting thing of the year, and now it's vanished! Even her supposed movies are gone!"

"But do we need Scarlett?" Vincent asked him. "There's about. . ." (here he took a few moments to count on his fingers) "one hundred and forty girls in this school. Wouldn't it be better to have a real girl than simply a. . . a Scarlett?"

"But she looks so hot!" Seamus moaned. "I wanted her to be mine!"

"If she was real," Roger Davies put in, "some of us just might have gotten her laid. But she would never have been ours. She isn't the type to stay with any one boy. Once she'd finish banging us, she'd probably hop out of one bed and into another--literally. At least the girls here at Hogwarts don't prostitute themselves like Scarlett would."

Seamus grumbled a little and scuffed at the floor with his toe. "I guess that could be a good thing," he admitted, "but that doesn't help matters, because the girls still hate us! They've tried so hard to get our attention, but we didn't even take notice. Now they'll stop trying altogether!"

"The girls have tried long enough!" Dennis cried from the midst of the crowd. "Now it's our turn to get their attention!"

"But how?" Seamus rejoined. "We can't make any nudie pics like they can! They'd think we were being gross."

"Then we have to figure out another way," Colin said reasonably. "Something that they'd truly appreciate. . ."

"Something that they wouldn't forget. . ." Gregory piped up.

"Something they wouldn't expect. . ." Blaise put in.

"Everyone says chivalry is dead," Draco said slowly, "so why don't we show them that it isn't? That would certainly surprise them."

"Yeah, especially coming from you," Seamus muttered, though with little animosity.

"So we're supposed to be polite to them or something?" Euan asked, a little confused. "Aren't we already?"

"Maybe," Colin said, "but this time we'll try extra hard."

"It's a good idea," said Euan, "but it doesn't sound like much of plan. Shouldn't we also think up something special for them?"

Colin pursed his lips pensively. "You're possibly right," he said. "We'd just have to figure out what."

"Maybe would could do a special breakfast on Valentine's Day," Euan suggested. "We could go to Dumbledore to get help setting it up, and we can make sure the house-elves make some yummy dishes, and then we're all set up."

"Mmm, that's passable," Blaise conceded, "but we need more than good food. That's the way to a boy's heart, not a girl's. We also need some special features, like some enchanting music to serenade them while they eat, or host of waiters to slave for them, or some extra-special modifications to the Great Hall. We want something that will stick in their minds, not their bellies."

The boys seemed to brighten up as they began their plans for the special Valentine's Day breakfast. As their ideas grew more elaborate and inspired, they slowly forgot about the reason why they met in the first place. Scarlett was merely a memory in the back of their minds. They were moving on.

~~~~~

In the Room of Requirement the girls held their own meeting. As they first entered the room they could barely contain their excitement over the day's events. They sank into their beanbag couches with broad smiles splitting their faces.

The leaders made their way to the platform in the middle of the room. They each sported large grins, though Pansy's was the brightest. "Scarlett's gone!" she announced triumphantly to the excited crowd. They let out a loud cheer that bounced off the walls and amplified itself inside the large meeting hall.

After the girls had let out their jubilee, Pansy continued. "Now that our resident whore and her magazine are out of business, we have the boys all to ourselves!" This elicited another cheer.

"But won't they be fed up with all our failed schemes?" Eloise asked from the midst of the crowd once everyone had quieted down. "First there was our little magazine, then our disaster of a nude photo shoot. Then there was all our jealous conversation over Scarlett's runaway success. They're probably sick of our efforts."

Her brutally realistic comment was the perfect way to puncture the bubble. The excitement whooshed out of the room, leaving behind a rather flat, depressed audience. "She's right," Padma said glumly. "The boys won't want to see another one of our schemes."

"Not even another magazine?" Lavender hazarded.

"I guess not," Parvati said, seeing the look on her sister's face.

"What about another nude photo shoot?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Do you really think that would actually work?" Pansy asked incredulously.

"No," Luna answered promptly. "But can we do it anyway? I'm sure the veilabats would approve."

"Seeing as Scarlett was such a veilabat, we're definitely not following their example again!" Daphne said firmly. "Look what happened to Scarlett! She turned out to be Lucius Malfoy!"

"Good point," Luna said sadly. "Any other suggestions?"

There was a long silence as the girls pondered the situation. Any scheme involving their bodies wasn't likely to work any more. They had tried that with their magazine, and look at what a failure that had been! Good grief, what could they offer the boys if they wouldn't take the hint with a bit of skin?

"There was one idea you suggested, Luna," Pansy said suddenly. The girls leaned forward on their beanbag couches to listen.

"Was there?" Luna said mildly.

"Yes," Pansy said. "It was a few meetings ago. Something about Quidditch. . ."

"A Quidditch tournament?" Luna prompted her. "Yes, I remember suggesting that. But I thought we already agreed that that was too loony?"

Pansy shook her head violently. "Oh, no!" she said firmly. "Now's the time for drastic action! Nothing is too loony at this point!" The girls muttered in agreement.

"Quidditch tournament it is, then," Luna said happily. "That'll take a while to bring about."

"All the more reason to start now," Pansy said. And that is just what they did.

**********

At midnight the girls were still planning the Quidditch tournament, the boys were still arranging ideas for the Valentine's Day breakfast, and Eloise and Vincent had sneaked out to begin their snogging session in the Astronomy Tower. It was at this moment that a snowy owl delivered a letter to Scarlett:

Dear Scarlett,

Today we got all the answers. Even so, things are not always as they seem. I still expect you to meet me a week from now at 7:00 P.M. in the courtyard by the portico off the bridge. I have some issues I need to discuss with you. And remember--I only want part of you. Make sure it's the right part!

Love,

Harry Potter

A/N: PLEASE NOTE: The story is NOT over! Harry is right--things are not always as they seem. Next chapter shorter than even the first, and it will wrap up all the loose ends that still hang. Oh, and there still might be another surprise or two. Afterwards, I'll tell you all about the real-life story of Scarlett. Woot!

Oh, and since you all have doubtless followed my command at the end of Chapter 5 and read and watched A Clockwork Orange, you now must go read Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence. Most of you who are old enough to be grandparents will probably remember the huge censorship court case that it had in 1959 (or was it 1960?). Written in 1928, it's the best erotic novel of all time, and I can't help but wonder why people cram themselves full of cheap paperback romances when this book outstrips them in every category--from the deep characterization to the solid plot to the gorgeoulicious dialogue. Oh, and for those of you who just want to read it for the sex (shame on you, if that's the case *grin*), you won't be disappointed either.

That's it for now. I'm posting the last chapter next weekend, so keep posted!