The Hitchhiker's Guide to Hogwarts II

Harry walked back to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom and sat down.

"Ah, Harry!" exclaimed Professor Dent with a grin, walking over to him.

"Professor Dent," said Harry dazedly.

"What did Professor Dumbledore want?" asked Dent.

Harry shook his head, then he drew out his quill and began to draw the diagram of the Babel Fish (this is a video clip so wait until it loads).

Professor Dent walked around the classroom, examining the diagrams and helping the less artistically gifted students. Then he tapped the board with his wand and it went blank.

"Now I will teach you to operate your books!" he said. "Simply tap the cover once and say what thing you want to look up. Try it now."

"Babel Fish," said Harry, tapping his book. It sprung open to a blank page of parchment, and then the oddly disjointed voice of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy came out of it.

"The Babel Fish is small, yellow, leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the universe."

Then other people caught on to what had to be done and the mingled voices of the books created a mess of voices in the air. As the voice spoke, the writing appeared on the page and a diagram floated above it in 3D. It was very similar to a Muggle hologram.

As they finished watching the unusual images from the book the bell began to ring.

"One foot on the advantages and disadvantages of the Babel Fish for next lesson. Now go!"

As Harry left the lesson he heard Mr. Prefect talking to Dent. "That was one hoopy lesson, man! Arthur you frood! What've you got planned for the next lesson?"

"I thought that I'd give the first years a lesson on Marvin," said Dent.

"Hey man! That's great! Marvin, whadaya say to that then?"

"I'm really not going to like it."

*~*~*

The next day, for their first lesson, they had potions with Professor Beeblebrox. On the desk in front of him was a strange collection of items. One of his heads was immersed in drinking an unusual drink, the other was looking at the students interestedly.

"Welcome to Potions guys!" exclaimed Professor Beeblebrox with a wide grin from his left head (the other continued to drink). "Call me Zaphod. This lesson we will be making one of the most potent drinks in the Galaxy, if not the universe! Now get out your books and turn to Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters."

The other head looked up from his drink for a moment and then sank back into a stupor again. They took out their books - the same ones as in DADA - and tapped them and called out the title. By now, of course, Hermione had discovered a way to block out all sounds except for from the book they were listening to.

The best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

The best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters can be found on whatever planet Zaphod Beeblebrox happens to be visiting currently and also on Betelgeuse. You can expect to pay about one-and-a-half times what you have in your pocket for one, and there are several organizations to help you rehabilitate afterwards, including the whole of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints division, where their problems make yours seem trivial.

To mix one, follow these instructions:

Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit,

Pour it into one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V - Oh that Santraginian sea water! Oh those Santraginian fish!!!

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.

Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heavy odours of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle sweet and mystic.

Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.

Sprinkle Zamphour.

Drink...but...very carefully...

The voice stopped but the writing remained on the page. For several seconds there was silence.

"Well guys, what are you waiting for? Get mixing!" exclaimed Zaphod. In a sudden rush the students stood up and charged to the front of the class to get their ingredients.

In went the Ol' Janx Spirit, and then one measure of the Strataginus water. It turned a watery green colour.

Harry dropped in the three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin into the liquid in his cauldron and waited for it to properly melt. As it did so, it took on a reddish hue amid the green.

On the next table, Seamus had fitted the gas bubbler to his cauldron and was preparing to bubble the Fallian gas through it. Soon it was filling the room, and all the students were in a state of bliss. Neville was laughing madly, drunk in the gas. The drink turned orange, and bubbles appeared on the surface. Seamus breathed in the odour, and wrinkled his nose.

Draco Malfoy, who had an oddly red tinge in his cheeks, giggled at Pansy as he raised his silver spoon. His hand shook madly as the measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract floated over it. The mint could be tasted in the air from outside the classroom.

Hermione, whose hair was flying everywhere, did not look her usual cool self as she added the tooth of the Algolian Suntiger. It was a long tooth, pointed like the extinct Sabre-Tooth Tiger used to have. She leant breathlessly on Ron as she dropped it, madly laughing, into the drink. It turned an odd blue shade.

Crabbe and Goyle, who were working together, both took a handful of the Zamphour and sprinkled it on their potion. It turned lime green. They looked proudly at each other - it was the first time that any potion they made had worked - and added the olive.

The class soon finished, but not as their usual rowdy selves. They were disheveled, but extremely happy and wild looking. Zaphod's heads were both grinning madly and awake. They spoke in turn.

"Now," said the left head.

"You," said the right.

"Have,"

"Finished,"

"Then,"

"You,"

"May,"

"Drink!" said both together. Most people took a goblet and filled it from the cauldron before drinking, and took a careful sip. Then they sunk to the floor, eyes wild. However, Crabbe and Neville stuck their heads in their cauldrons and took a long gulp. Their bodies went limp and the toxic draughts fell to the floor along with the boys.

Naturally, the hospital wing was full for several weeks after that with Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Slytherins.