The Hitchhiker's Guide to Hogwarts

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Hogwarts or What Should Have Happened

Professor McGonagall tapped her spoon against the side of her goblet, and the chattering crowd of students fell silent. Professor Dumbledore stood up.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts. This year I have two new teachers to introduce to you. Unfortunately our Potions Master, Professor Snape, is unable to return this year; therefore Professor Beeblebrox will be taking his place."

A man with two heads and three arms who was sitting next to the headmaster nodded the left head. His right head appeared to be asleep. He waved one of his arms casually.

"We also have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor, and that is Professor Dent. He has also been made the new head of Slytherin house."

Professor Dent nodded at them, before looking back at the headmaster. Slytherin house was not enthusiastic with its clapping.

"Finally, Professor Grubbly-Plank has permanently taken over the Care of Magical Creatures position due to Professor Hagrid's business elsewhere. You may see him about however, as he still has his gamekeeper duties.

"Now, let us sing the school song and go to bed."

They sang the song, which was not as good without Fred and George's funeral march, and then went to bed.

*~*~*

It was time for their first DADA lesson of the year. Professor Dent was sitting behind his desk with a small thing on it. Next to that was a fishbowl with the words 'so long, and thanks...' on it; that was all. In the corner, next to the blackboard, was a man with one leg over the other.

"Settle down," said Professor Dent. "Welcome to your O.W.L level Defence Against The Dark Arts class. This year is very important as your O.W.L.s are coming up. Therefore we will be studying Magical Creatures that do not exist on Earth. Do you have your books?"

Everyone nodded, and brought out a copy of the thin book. Hermione put up her hand.

"Yes, Miss... Granger?"

"There's nothing in it, sir."

To her surprise their professor laughed.

"It's not," he said. "What you have is the magical version of this Muggle book," he tapped the package on his desk. "In other worlds in this galaxy magical persons and Muggles live in tandem with each other, and they share the same world. They do not hide from each other. They know about each other's magical creatures. One such magical creature is..."

A knock came at the door.

"Come in!" called Professor Dent.

The door opened and a robot walked in.

"Marvin!" exclaimed the man in the chair.

"I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed," said Marvin in a monotone.

"Yeah, yeah," said the man. "What d'you want, man?"

"Professor Dumbledore has sent me with a message for Harry Potter," said Marvin dully.

"Hoopy! What is it?" asked the man.

"He wants to see Harry Potter now, in his office."

Harry stood up, packed his bag, and followed Marvin out of the room. As he did so he heard Professor Dent speaking.

"As I was saying, this year we will be studying the Babel Fish. What is the Babel Fish? Mr Thomas perhaps you know?"

"It can translate foreign speeches into your own language," replied Dean. The door shut and Harry heard no more.

*~*~*

"Ah, Harry, I wanted to talk to you," said the headmaster.

"Yes sir," replied the boy. Harry stood behind the desk and watched Dumbledore.

Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. "It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything."

Harry sat down, enthralled. The sun rose behind Dumbledore, shining in his eyes.

"Good morning," said Dumbledore after a long pause.

'Er... good morning, Professor," said Harry, nervously. He thought that they were long past the 'good morning' stage by now. "So... do you know... er, that is..."

"The answers for you?" interrupted Dumbledore majestically. "Yes, I do."

Harry shivered with expectancy. His waiting since first year had not been in vain.

"There really is one?" breathed Harry.

"There really is one," confirmed Dumbledore.

"To everything? To everything I have always asked you? About my parents and everything?"

"Yes, even to why Luna Lovegood wears lime green socks with a yellow hem," said Dumbledore.

"What?" said Harry, momentarily stunned.

"You'll see," said Dumbledore.

"And, you're ready to give it to me?" urged Harry.

"I am."

"Now?"

"Now," said Dumbledore.

Harry licked his dry lips.

"Though I don't think," added Dumbledore, "that you're going to like it."

"Doesn't matter!" said Harry. "I must know it! Now!"

"Now?" inquired Dumbledore.

"Yes! Now..."

"Alright," said the old man and settled into silence again. Harry fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Dumbledore.

"Tell me!"

"Alright," said Dumbledore. "The answer to your questions..."

"Yes...!"

"Of your parents, why Luna wears lime green socks with a yellow hem and everything..." said Dumbledore.

"Yes...!"

"Is..." said Dumbledore, and paused.

"Yes...!"

"Is..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Dumbledore, with infinite majesty and calm.

Finite - for now