He's a Gryffindor and he's okay

Dumbledore: [walks onto the stage and taps the magical microphone] Is this on? [microphone produces some feedback] Oh good. Ladies and gentlemen, wizards and witches, boys and girls and anyone else.

Audience: [laughs]

Dumbledore: Welcome to the Hogwarts Talent Show 1997! [bows]

Audience: [cheers and claps]

Dumbledore: I sincerely hope you enjoy the program we have set out for you this evening. Our first act, therefore, is 'return of the dead'. [bows and heads behind the curtain]

Audience: [claps]

[The curtain rises to reveal Dumbledore, Sirius, Emmeline Vance, Amelia Bones, James Potter and Lily Potter]

Audience: [cheers loudly]

Romilda: OMGWTFBBQ! [dies of fangirl-ness]

Colin: Wow! This is fantastic! Brilliant!

[curtain falls to loud cheers]

Dumbledore: [returns from behind the curtain] Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. That took a lot of preparing. Thanks to Aberforth Dumbledore, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Lavender Brown and Hermione Granger for their respective parts. And now... [pauses] Harry and the Prefects in "The Gryffindor Song". [exit stage right]

[curtain rises to reveal Harry in the centre and all twenty-four prefects stage left]

Harry: [is wearing full Gryffindor robes right down to the scarf. He looks hot]

Draco: [wolf-whistles] He looks hot!

Pansy: Shut up, you're supposed to be singing!

Audience: [cheers loudly and wolf-whistles]

Harry: I'm a Gryffindor and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day!

Prefects: [in unison] He's a Gryffindor and he's okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day!

Harry: [looks stage right towards Ginny]

Ginny: [goes to join Harry, a look of adoration in her eyes as she looks up at him]

Harry: I go to Charms, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory!

Myrtle: Not mine!

Harry: On Wednesdays I learn Potions, and have midnight Astronomy!

Prefects: [in unison] He goes to Charms, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory! On Wednesdays he learns Potions, and has midnight Astronomy!

Harry and Prefects: I'm a Gryffindor and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day!

Harry and Ginny: [clutch hands]

Harry: I go to Charms, I Seek and fly, I like to sit and dream! I put on women's robing, and hang 'round in Hogsmeade!

Ginny: [looks rather unnerved as the adoring look starts to fade]

Prefects: [sound less sure and in unison] He goes to Charms, he Seeks and flies, he likes to sit and dream! He puts on women's robing, and hangs round in Hogsmeade!?

Harry and Prefects: I'm a Gryffindor and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day!

Harry: I go to Charms, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!

Ginny: [is shocked and mouths] What?

Audience: [flees]

Prefects: [are obviously singing confusedly, though Draco continues loudly] He goes to Charms, he wears high heels, suspenders and a bra?!

Ginny: [slaps Harry and runs off, sobbing]

Draco: [solo and rousingly] He wishes he'd been a girlie, just like his dear Papa!

Harry and Draco: I'm a Gryffindor and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day! Yes, I'm a Gryffindor and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day!

Harry: You sing well, Draco.

Draco: [smiles prettily] Want to find a closet and go snog?

Harry: Yeah, alright. [they walk off]

[curtain falls]

Dumbledore: [to an empty auditorium] That was Harry and the Prefects singing "The Gryffindor Song". And now, the Sorting Hat and the Hogwarts School Choir singing the school song.

[silence]

Dumbledore: And now, the Sorting Hat and the Hogwarts School Choir singing the school song.

[curtain collapses, crushing Dumbledore]