Harry Potter and the Rise of the Phoenix

Chapter Six ~ There Is No Peace

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
No, you don't now what it's like
When nothing feels alright.
You don't know what it's like
To be like me.

Simple Plan ~ Welcome To My Life
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The room froze when Harry stopped shouting. The very room itself seemed to be holding its breath waiting to see how Dumbledore would take the violent greeting. Surely he wouldn't tolerate that much disrespect; some line had to be set, something that even Harry couldn't cross. Harry thought he may have crossed the line but he didn't regret it one bit. Dumbledore was not going to pretend everything was all right.

The old man took a deep breath and sighed, while Harry kept his steely gaze on him. Dumbledore shook his head and then spoke, "Harry, if I thought it would actually help you, I would leave."

"It will help," Harry replied spitefully. Every ounce of the bitterness he felt towards the man reinforced the statement.

"Harry Potter," Mrs. Weasley scolded. "Don't you take that tone of voice with your Headmaster!"

"I will," Harry replied. "Every decision he's made concerning my life sucks. He sent me to the Dursleys' for 10 years of Hell. He testified against Sirius, my innocent guardian. He let me face Quirrell when I was eleven. He deserted us when Tom opened the Chamber of Secrets. He let the dementors surround Hogwarts."

"Harry, that's enough," Thia warned him, but Harry wasn't about to stop.

"No, I'm not done," he told her. "He didn't realize that his friend had been kidnapped and a Death Eater had put my name in the Goblet. He didn't tell me the bloody Prophecy and it got Sirius killed." Harry's voice broke on the name of his Godfather. He wished Sirius could be here to help him at the moment. "And then he sent me back to my relatives after... after... the Hell of Malfoy Manor. I will take whatever tone of voice that I want!"

Dumbledore seemed to shrink with each true accusation. Harry had never seen him look so old. His eyes held a deep sadness which only made Harry angrier. Dumbledore should know all this already! At the least, he should be so confident of his choices that no one, especially a teenage boy, could change his mind about them so easily. But instead of speaking up for his decisions he just stood there, defeated.

"Al," a kind voice said. Harry looked at Nancy, and was surprised to see a tear in her eye. "I want to talk with you, I'm sure Poppy wouldn't mind if we used her office." She took his arm and led him down the hall and into the room.

"What was that?" Ron asked Harry.

"The stark naked truth," Harry responded tiredly. Now that Dumbledore was out of sight, the rage was gone, but a deep exhaustion had replaced it. "I'm going back to sleep."

"No, Luv," Ginny said softly. "We need to talk about this. I agree that most, if not all, of his decisions didn't turn out quite like he expected, but with most of them, he didn't have a choice. You know that." Harry didn't respond, but instead turned his head the other way and closed his eyes. He really didn't have the energy to fight or argue or even stay awake. Without even realizing it, he was asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry groaned when he realized what he was looking at: the simpering forms of bowing Death Eaters. It was another vision and with that realization Harry's scar ripped open in pain; He was incredibly excited about something. One Death Eater was crouched and shaking directly in front of Him, but Harry couldn't tell if it was with fear or anticipation. Lightning added more light to the scene, making it very easy for Harry to see the man's face; a face Harry recognized as Nose Picker's. He had thought that the man was in Azkaban.

"Continue," the demon commanded.

"The three missing healers are at Hogwarts," his voice responded. "And my sources tell me..." Nose Picker stopped, breaking into uncontrollable and wicked laughter. "They tell me that Harry Potter lies in a bed fighting between life and death."

"Why is that?" the monster asked delicately and with interest. "I was told he had been discharged for the injuries he sustained here."

"He was, my lord, he was," Nose Picker answered, with another bout of laughter. It made the hair on Harry's true body stand up. The lightning and thunder out the window made this scene far creepier than it already was. "He tried to kill himself, my lord!" he finished with even more laughter.

A huge smile crossed Voldemort's face. You tried to kill yourself, Potter! the monster spoke to him with derisive laughter. Is that what has caused you so much pain the past week? I've been wondering about that. It was as if a mosquito had decided to buzz in my ear all week. Nice to know the bother was for such a noble cause. Harry screamed in pain; he didn't know if it was just a mental scream or not. One way or the other, the pain in his scar was unbearable.

"This is an interesting development," Voldemort told his Death Eaters. "An interesting development indeed. We will need to use it to our advantage. Nott, you have a report about the charm?"

"Yes, my Lord," the man replied, crawling forward to kiss the hem of Voldemort's robe. "I believe the weapon is in England once again. My research leads me to believe that the weapon has been passed down from mother to daughter, through the generations since Ravenclaw's death. If we're positive that the Carrigans had it, then one would guess that the Carrigan girl has it."

"Malfoy, come forward. Stay put, Nott," Voldemort commanded. Draco crawled forward, kissing the hems of his master's robe. "What do you think of that conclusion?"

"Possible, but unlikely," Draco drawled. "I searched her belongings when she arrived, as my father instructed me too. I didn't find anything dangerous, nothing even remotely dangerous."

"Could she have had it sent to the muggle loving fool?" Voldemort asked the group, a deep roll of thunder accented Voldemort's dislike for the wizened man. There was shuffling among the others. "Yes?" he asked. A Death Eater Harry didn't recognize stepped forward.

"Impossible," he replied. "We've had her watched from the start. And I myself dropped her off at Malfoy Manor. She never had time once she was in England. I made sure of that."

"Follow your instincts on this, Nott," Voldemort replied with a slight smile. "They haven't proven wrong yet. Too bad the Potter boy didn't follow your advice during the battle. Your willingness to give your life almost started him down the right path; you will be reward for that, once the time is right." Harry fumed at the subtle reminder. "Wormtail, come here!"

The very rat-looking man stepped forward, trying to control his shaking. Harry watched the man through Voldemort's eyes. "Ye-yes, my Lord?" Harry could feel the pleasure this monster took in terrifying his servant. It made him sick.

"Some very disturbing thoughts have occurred to me these past weeks," Voldemort told the frightened man, ticking each of the following questions off on his long, slim fingers. "One, how did Potter get his wand when my trusted Death Eater, Wormtail, had it? Two, how did Potter get out of his cell if my trustworthy Wormtail took him down there? Three, how did Wormtail escape from two very angry and betrayed friends three years ago? Do you know what I concluded, Wormtail?" The man started to convulse in his fear. "I smell a rat in the system."

"A r-rat, m-my Lord?" Wormtail repeated.

"A rat that owed Potter a life debt," Voldemort continued. Harry felt his own body start to convulse; he knew what the monster would be doing for the next ten, fifteen minutes. Wormtail wasn't going to enjoy it. And he didn't. Voldemort went through Wormtail's mind, searching and finding the truth of the matter. After that, Wormtail was better off dead.

He looked down at the battered, bleeding, and near-dead form of Peter Pettigrew. There was no pity in his graze, no mercy, and no sorrow. Only complete anger, hatred, and enjoyment were found in that gaze. Harry felt as weak and near death as Wormtail truly was.

"This is what happens to traitors," the monster hissed to his Death Eaters, pointing at Wormtail. Lightning lit up the room and thunder rolled outside, but it wasn't loud enough to cover the curse. "Avada Kedavra!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry sat bolt upright in his bed and puked yet again, this time over the edge. He coughed, trying to get everything out of his mouth. He hated throwing up! By the smell of things, he had already vomited a few times this long night. Thunder boomed outside, but whether it was the same storm or a different one, Harry was not sure, nor did he care.

"Remus," he croaked, crying out for the man. "Ginny?"

"I'm here, Luv," Ginny's voice came from beside him. "I was just getting you a potion to take for your throat. Drink it all." Harry swallowed it and was pleasantly surprised when it was neither bitter nor nasty. It tasted like honey.

"I'm here too," Remus' always calm voice said on the other side of the bed. "Here, put your glasses on; I know James hated being blind." Harry put them on and wasn't surprised to see the worried faces of his friends. "What did you see?" Harry noted that Remus took it as a fact that it had been a vision.

"He killed Wormtail," Harry said faintly. "He killed Wormtail," he repeated, trying to make sense of it all. It didn't make sense.

Remus sat on the bed next to Harry's, apparently just as stunned. Harry had expected to see Tonks at Remus' side, but he couldn't find her anywhere in the room. However, Harry's girlfriend was at his side already and she sat on his bed, wrapping him in her arms. Harry leaned into the embrace. It didn't make sense. Not that Wormtail was dead, nor the fact that Voldemort had been the one to kill him. No, it was the fact that Harry actually felt sorry that Wormtail had died the way he had.

Did one normally feel pity for the death of one's parents' betrayer? Harry had never thought he'd feel this way over the rat's death. He had always looked forward to the day that the rat would be unable to cause more pain and suffering in the world. But, no one deserved such a degrading death, not even Wormtail.

"Remus?" Harry called again. Remus looked up and into Harry's confused gaze. "Why me?" This seemed to break something inside the man. He stood up and stormed toward the door.

"Remus John Lupin, don't you dare bother Albus!" Nancy Nettle shouted at the angry werewolf. Thia stepped in front of him and held him back.

"Sit down," she commanded him, fighting, but winning to get him to the nearest bed. Once there, he sat. "This isn't his fault."

"No, you're right," he replied angrily. Harry had only ever seen the man this angry once before: last Christmas Eve. But even that time didn't compare with the anger coursing through him now. "Peter's death is his own fault. But the shape of Harry," he said, his voice tortured, "that is Dumbledore's fault!"

"Don't you think he already knows that?" Nettle asked the group, controlling her obvious anger, and none of it sounded in her voice. "He knows that better then you all may know. Harry, he is truly sorry for setting you up for this fall. He wants to help and trust me... he will be able to. Remus, he needs sleep. I gave him a Dreamless Sleep Potion, and I do not want you to wake him. The dose I gave him would not take kindly to you waking him."

"Remus," Harry said. "Don't go. Stay here, please." Remus looked over at him, just as a fork of lightning shot across the sky, lighting up Remus' haggard features. Harry needed the presence of his father's and Godfather's best friend at the moment. Thia walked with Remus over to the bed and they sat on conjured chairs.

"Was that all you saw?" Ginny asked softly. Harry shifted awkwardly; for the first time, her question bothered him. He wasn't sure what that meant. "Harry?" she asked, as if sensing his unease.

"No," he finally answered. "There was more. They... they know I tried to... you know." Ginny pulled away from him so that she could see him better and nodded. "And Nott..." Harry stopped, flashbacks bringing his mind to a stand still. There was Nott in front of him, positive that he was going to die and that he, Harry, was going to be the one to kill him. There was Nott above him, applying some unknown curse that bombarded all of Harry's pain receptors. Ginny laid a calming hand on his cheek, stroking it slowly. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "And Nott said that he thought Sephra had the weapon He's been looking for all year."

"Dumbledore should hear about that," Remus said in a monotone. "Someone want to deliver the message?" There was a silence.

"Xavier," Nettle finally said. "Go tell Albus what Harry just told us. I know," she said before he could complain, "but just go." He nodded and left, a slight air of resentment following in his wake. Nettle turned to look at Harry. "Have you talked about your captivity to anyone?"

Harry tried to hold her gaze, but couldn't as images started to pass in front of his mind's eyes. He shook his head slowly both answering her question and trying to shake them out. When that didn't help, he decided that confessing might help. "No, I can't."

"Have you tried?" she asked kindly. For some reason Harry found that funny. They looked at him in shock as his laughter turned bitter and tears started to form in his eyes. The laughter ended suddenly as the memory of an extremely painful torture session came to mind. He closed his eyes against it, trying to block it out. Nott had decided after about an hour of the Cruciatus, that magic wasn't enough. He had started kicking and punching him, cutting his skin open with knives. Harry nearly jumped off the bed when Ginny touched him.

"I'm sorry," Ginny said softly. "I didn't mean to startle you." Harry didn't say anything; he was still deep inside the memory.

"You just had to question him, didn't you?" Remus asked Nettle.

"Yes, and it's about time that someone did," she responded, sure of herself. "Have you ever dealt with someone that went through what he's gone through and then tried to kill himself?"

"Is there anyone out there that's gone through half the Hell he has?" Remus countered.

"Yes!" Nettle responded. "He was, and is, one of my greatest friends. I'm going to help Harry in the way I should have helped him!"

"No," Remus responded softly, his anger turning icy hard. "No, there is no one that's gone through half of what Harry has. He's not even seventeen! Unless you're friend was that young, bloody Hell, I'll even give him 'til twenty-five, then he knows nothing about how Harry feels! Nettle, I appreciate your wanting to help, but stay away!"

"Have you ever dealt with someone who tried to commit suicide?" Nettle asked changing her line of attack. "I deal with them all the time. You wouldn't believe what wizards and witches do to themselves when they give up hope."

"Yes," Remus replied quietly. "I have. One or two have actually managed to succeed. You forget, suicide was common when Voldemort first rose to power, when people lost their whole families," he paused, taking a deep breath before glaring at her once more. "Don't try that on me, Nettle. I'm a werewolf, and 'decent' werewolves are famous for suicide attempts. Surely you know that." There was silence after Remus' unsaid confession. Thia stared from her brother to her friend, not sure whose side she was on, either way she didn't seem surprised about what he had said.

Harry had watched the exchange with indifference. It didn't surprise him that Remus had thought about, if not tried killing himself. His life had fallen apart before he had turned twenty-five, losing family and friends, as well as being a werewolf, of course he had at least thought about trying.

Ginny was looking at him oddly. Harry tried to look her in the eyes, but he couldn't. The perfection of last night was gone. Ruined by the one person, no, not person, monster that had ruined everything in Harry's young life. Harry's guilt had resurfaced; guilt for leaving her, guilt for letting her dad die, guilt for almost killing her, guilt for just plain hurting her. She went back to her chair and picked up Prongs, hugging it to her chest protectively. Harry added yet another tick against himself for doing that to her.

He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out how to stop the downward spiral of his life. He had isolated himself from everyone and everything that mattered to him. Guilt kept him from letting Ginny help him. Fear of the past kept him from talking to Ron and Hermione. His actions kept him from everyone else. It seemed that a huge chasm had split open between him and normal life and Harry felt that it would take him decades to build a bridge across it.

"Remus!" Thia's voice rang out. The argument between Remus, Nettle, and apparently Thia had continued in hushed tones as Harry had been thinking. Now it seemed that Remus had said the one thing he shouldn't have and Nettle appeared close to tears. Thia had never looked angrier, but Remus didn't look like he wanted to take it back. "IT WAS NOT HER FAULT THAT THEY DIED! Grow up! She has done a hell of a lot more good in our lives than you want to remember. Bloody hell, the only reason you're still alive is because of her!"

"Yeah, and remind me where the blessing of that is?" Remus asked bitterly.

"Remus?" Thia asked surprised by that. "Don't you dare think your life isn't a blessing! Shit, you're the best big brother a girl could ask for! You should hear some of the things Tonks says about you at work; hell, I didn't want to know half that stuff! You were the best friend Sirius, James, and yes, even Peter, ever had!" She stopped, and looked at him, realization dawning on her face. "You're the last Marauder," she stated without a drop of emotion. "Is that what has your knickers in a twist?"

"Shut up, Thia!" Remus growled. "I'm not in the mood."

"Don't forget I'm the last of my friends, too!" Thia shouted back, turning so that she was only facing him. Remus turned also, pushing Nettle out of the conversation completely. "Just because the full moon is in two nights doesn't give you a right to snap at any of us! If I can't bite your head off once a month then the hell you can either!"

"I'm not angry because of that!" Remus bellowed at her. "I've been angry since the end of May. I've been furious since the end of June! My wedding has been the brightest spot in my life since Harry was first captured! Shit, Thia, don't you remember?"

"Yes, I do," Thia replied in a monotone. "How could I forget? Tell me how I'm supposed to forget the only thing Lily ever seriously asked from me? I let Sam down, I let Lily down, and now I've let her son down too! You aren't the only one here that's broken fucking promises to the dead! Hell, I even broke a promise to Mum! Don't get all high and mighty on me, Remus John!"

"Don't you 'Remus John' me, Synthia!" Remus replied, his temper building. Harry saw him grip his wand tighter and Thia's shoulder twitched as if she was trying very, very hard not to attack him. Harry thought she might skip the magic all together and just punch him. "You will not use that against me! Harry deserved and still deserves better then what he's gotten! We promised James and Lily that we'd look after him and look at him! LOOK AT HIM, THIA!" he roared at her. Thia looked at the boy. Harry returned the gaze without a drop of emotion in his eyes. She turned back to Remus, shaking. "How can you not be furious with Dumbledore?"

"I can't because he's never led us wrong," Thia answered. "Most of the hell in our lives is our own doing. If James and Lily had agreed to let Dumbledore be their secret keeper, then Sirius wou-- What the--" She rushed to the window to let in a ragged and soaked owl. It circled above them, looking for the person it needed. Harry felt the bottom of his stomach fall out as he recognized Voldemort's pitch-as-night bird.

It swooped down at him, landing only long enough for Harry to take the package off its leg. As if sensing the danger it was in, the owl rushed out the window and back into the storm. Harry stared at the black wrapping. He felt of sense of déjà vu as he remembered the last package he had received wrapped in black. Only, tonight, there had been no innocent deaths. Only Wormtail's; Harry was positive of that fact.

Harry glanced around the room, every person was watching him. His eyes connected with Remus' and the older man shook his head, telling him not to open it. Harry's finger slipped under the sealing wax with no thought on his part and opened the wrapping. Underneath was a black box. He lifted the lid off with barely a thought, closed his eyes right before it was all the way off, and threw the cover across the room. He opened his eyes, looking into Remus' once again. Then slowly he glanced into the box and swore when he saw what it contained.

"The bloody bastard sent me Wormtail's fucking finger!" Harry shouted, staring at Wormtail's silver index finger nestled carefully in a pillow of black satin. How ironic, Wormtail lost the same finger he cut off his real hand almost sixteen years before. He glanced around the room again, seeing everyone's shocked faces. His eyes caught Ginny's and he saw his own horror reflected in them. Without a thought Harry lunged at the bedside table and yanked the drawer open.

"Harry, no!" Ginny shouted, jumping out of the chair and grabbing onto his arm.

"Let go, Ginny!" Harry screamed at her, bent on freeing his arm. Remus was at his other side, leaning across the bed trying to get Harry's wand out of his hand. Harry spied Remus' wand sticking out of his belt, stopped fighting for his own, and grabbed the werewolf's wand instead. "Incendio!" Harry screamed with so much emotion that there was only a tiny pile of ash left, all silver in color. "What the hell do you think you were doing?" Harry screamed at Ginny and turning to glare at Remus.

"What did I tell you last night?" Harry continued to yell, turning back to Ginny. "If I wanted to kill myself over Wormtail, I would have jumped out that window," he said, motioning with his head at the open window, "as soon as I woke up! I'm not using my wand the next time!"

"That's what has me so worried!" Ginny shouted back. "You're so positive there's going to be a next time!"

"Yeah, well, my life is Hell," Harry shouted back. "Maybe I will!" Tears started filling Ginny's eyes as she bent to pick up the dropped stag.

"And that, Harry, is what I'm most afraid of," she repeated, one tear making a path down her cheek. Harry looked at her, at a loss for words.

"When did you give Harry his wand back?" Nettle asked Ginny. "I thought you promised you wouldn't."

"I gave it to him last night," Ginny responded defensively.

"Do you have any idea how stupid and dangerous that was?" Nettle scolded her.

"As stupid as having a window in here," Harry replied dryly. "Or any of those potions, I'm sure an overdose would kill me. Trust me, Nettle, if I wanted to die, I'd find a way that doesn't involve my wand. I'm not trusting it a second time." There was a long silence as his words sunk in.

"You've thought this through?" Thia asked, slightly horrified.

"Yes, I've thought of it and I'm gonna keep thinking about it. But if I show up so soon again, Sirius is going to skin me alive." Harry closed his mouth so quickly his teeth clacked against each other audibly. He hadn't meant to say that.

"What do you mean, Sirius will skin you alive, and where would you show up again?" Remus asked slowly, carefully. Before Harry had a chance to answer, the doors to the hall opened and Dumbledore entered, followed by Xavier and, of all people, Snape. Remus glared at them, silencing them with the look. "Well?"

"Shit, shit, shit," Harry swore, not realizing he was speaking out loud. He hadn't wanted to say that. And with the glare Remus was giving him now, Harry knew he wasn't getting out of it. The once protector of his right to privacy was now the inquisitor. He kept muttering under his breath, trying to string together more then two words in his head. It wasn't working very well.

"Potter, snap out of it!" Snape snapped at him.

"Severus!" Thia yelled at him, but his comment had done the trick. Snape's only reply was to shrug in indifference.

"I, um, only meant that he would do just that," Harry replied hesitantly. "Well, I guess I wouldn't be alive for him to skin me alive, but he'd sure as hell try."

"Harry, you aren't making any sense," Hermione chided him.

"I'm sorry," he replied, running his fingers through his hair. "Last Christmas, when I almost died, I um, went to another place, I guess. And I met Mum and Dad and Godric Gryffindor and saw Sirius again."

"How?" was all Remus got out before Harry shook his head.

"I have no clue," Harry replied. "Well, Gryffindor," everyone noticed the amount of bitterness associated with the name, "said it had something to do with me being so near death and my mind so screwed up and willing to quit. But I didn't know it then. They just wanted to give me a few warnings and I think Mum and Dad just wanted to meet me. They told me to give a few messages to people," he added, looking at Snape guiltily. "But they sent me on my way soon after. Then, after Nott hit me with whatever curse he hit me with, I was back. And Gryffindor was pissed when I just jumped."

"Jumped?" Ginny asked, pale.

"To get out, you need to jump off the cliff, which I guess represents Death and into the ocean at the bottom, which I know is Life," Harry explained. "I didn't want to wait. I remembered you guys," he said motioning to his friends, "and I wanted to get back as soon as possible. Which, I guess was a mistake."

"Why?" Dumbledore asked curiously. Harry ignored him very pointedly.

"Why?" Nettle asked the question again, glaring at Harry for a second before giving Dumbledore a look of concern.

"Because the place is somewhere that lets your mind fix itself," Harry replied, not feeling guilty for what he had just done. "You know nothing when you first arrive there, well, you know to keep walking. I think when you stop, you accept death. I remembered you guys quickly and I just wanted to get back, so I jumped."

"Which was a mistake," Snape repeated. Harry knew others took it as a jibe at him, but Harry knew it was only to get the facts straight.

"Yes, Gryffindor said that had I stayed to work through my problems I would have been able to get through my stay with the Dursleys," Harry answered. "This time..." Harry stopped, remembering the experience. "This time it was really hot, and the land on top of the cliff looked really nice, it made me want to stop and sit under a tree for shade. Gryffindor showed up, followed shortly by Sirius and my parents." He stopped again, not sure if he wanted to continue.

"Was Sirius late?" Thia asked with a laugh.

Harry laughed with her and it was a genuine laugh. It felt so good laughing just to laugh. "Yeah, he was. And he had 'kidnapped' my mum."

"James was saying 'Seriously Sirius' jokes, wasn't he?" Remus asked laughing at old memories. Harry nodded. "Sirius would always do that when James started to get really annoying, even before those two started dating."

"How very mature of him," Snape said with no amusement in his voice.

"Yeah, well, when had Sirius ever been mature?" Thia replied, not letting Snape get to her in the least. "What happened next?"

Harry looked at the pile of silver dust on his bed, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes. What had happened next? He'd been rude to Gryffindor. To his parents. To Sirius. "I didn't recognize them, and I was rather rude. I ended up falling asleep because of the heat."

"But I thought you said you couldn't stop walking," Ginny said worried.

"I didn't, I was walking even as I slept," Harry replied. "When I woke up, Gryffindor told me my name and I put two and two together."

"What do you mean?" Ron asked.

"Harry James Potter," Harry said. "I remembered them, and the memories I connected with them. It took forever to get all my memories back. And I'm not surprised; there wasn't much that I wanted to remember." The others were stunned at the admission. It didn't seem right for Harry to be so honest. "I didn't think I had any best friends at one point. I--I didn't even want to be my friend," he admitted as well. He turned to his left and faced Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. "I never thanked you three for sticking by me throughout this all... so... thanks." Hermione turned her head into Ron's shoulder and started crying. Ginny's tears started to fall as well, but she just hugged Prongs closer.

"You don't have to thank us," Ron finally said, his voice thick with emotion.

"I do," Harry said. "You guys are the only reason I've made it this long before trying to off myself, I'm sure of that."

"Harry," Thia said seriously. "Answer me one question: had you ever thought about killing yourself before that night?"

He returned his gaze to the pile of ash and didn't even want to look her in the eyes. "Seriously thought about it? Like I wanted to do it? Only once a few days before. It only lasted a few seconds and I discarded it. I thought about it a few times last summer and fall, but each time I decided it wasn't worth it. And those times I thought of it more because thinking about the Prophecy made me think of it. And I chose not to those times."

"Why didn't you tell any of us about this?" Thia asked horrified.

Harry shrugged. "Because it felt normal," he stated calmly. A long forgotten memory flashed before his eyes. He had been six, almost seven years old, high up in the tree in the Dursleys' backyard. He had jumped off of it, trying to fly away. It was the only time the Dursleys had taken him to the hospital. He had forgotten about that. No, not forgotten, he had blocked that memory.

"What are you thinking about?" Ginny asked worriedly.

"Nothing," Harry said quickly, and he knew she didn't believe him. "When Moody brought me to the house, I wasn't planning it. I had even gone to bed looking forward to the lesson you'd be giving me on Saturday, Thia." He stopped. "But then I woke up and the Dursleys were all there. And then we fought, and I knocked Dudley out--"

"You knocked your cousin out?" Dumbledore repeated. "Did any of the Dursleys tell you about this?" he asked Thia. She shook her head.

"They probably thought it was their fault," Harry answered with a sigh.

"Why would they think that?" Dumbledore asked cautiously.

Harry realized his mistake. Now he'd have to explain the whole thing, which is what these people didn't need to know. "Because..." he said evasively.

"Why?" Thia asked, pushing for an answer. Quirke hurried to Harry's side and sat him up quickly. She started to unwrap the bandages around his neck. Harry realized that she was looking for the bruises that he knew still had to be there.

"Stop," he said, but it was too late. The bandages fell away, revealing the bruised and no longer bleeding skin.

"I wasn't sure before, there was so much blood," she muttered to herself. She laid a hand over the bruises, wrapping her fingers around his neck. She took a deep breath and let it out between her teeth. "I'll never forget this bruise pattern," she said more to herself then anyone else. "When I healed your windpipe, I didn't think anything of it," she told him. "But when I cleaned the blood away one day and saw the bruises I realized how you bruised your windpipe. Was it common for your cousin to choke you?"

"No," Harry laughed bitterly. "He's too fat to catch me," he added as if that was common sense.

"Then how did he catch you that night?" Quirke asked.

"He didn't, my uncle did," Harry responded without emotion. "He woke me up from a vision, which is odd..." Harry trailed off thinking about it. How had Vernon broken the connection that no one else had ever been able to break before?

"Your uncle woke you up by choking you?" Nettle asked, slightly horrified.

"Nah, his screaming woke me up, it wasn't 'til after Petunia was done yelling that he choked me," Harry said matter-of-factly. "But Dudley got me when I was yelling and getting yelled at by my uncle."

"Wait," Remus said putting a hand up. "What happened, in order if you please?"

"Vernon woke me up screaming," Harry said patiently. "Then Petunia screamed at me. Then Vernon choked me. Then I elbowed Vernon in his big fat stomach. Then I yelled at him. Then Vernon yelled at me. Then Dudley choked me. I fell off the bed and dragged him down with me. He hit his head and was out cold. Then Vernon yelled some more. Then the owl came. I opened the package. We all saw the contents. Petunia fainted. Vernon yelled once he got his voice back. I floated Petunia and Dudley out of the room and Vernon left after I glared at him.

"That's when I decided it wasn't worth sticking around anymore. I was so tired of the war; I am so tired of the war. I almost killed myself, well, tried to at least, when Hedwig flew in. So, I wrote the letters, meaning every single word of both of them," he said looking Dumbledore straight in the eye. "Then I sent her off and used the Killing Curse. And sometime later you guys came in and found me bleeding to death. I was so close," he finished with a sigh, but whether it was in relief or in longing even Harry wasn't sure.

"Then I woke up in that other place," he continued. "Was rude to Gryffindor. Fell asleep. Then I remembered, slowly about who I was and what I had been through." He stopped as a shudder went through his body. "It took forever to remember... to remember... Malfoy Manor," he finally got out. "It was the last thing actually and when I remembered it basically knocked me out, thankfully. When I woke up, I had all my memories back, even the ones about the Prophecy. That helped a lot. Getting those memories back helped me to re-accept it."

"You remembered what had landed you in there in the first place," Thia said when Harry's pause lasted a bit too long for her patience. They were all engrossed in his experience.

"Yeah," Harry said softly. "And I didn't regret it. I still don't. I'd still make the same decision, if only to get those memories back." He paused again. "Then we had our 'chat' about my choices." Harry rolled his eyes. "He might think it was the easy way out, but I still don't really agree."

"If you had stayed it would have been the easy way out," Snape commented.

"True, but I didn't," Harry responded. "Gryffindor and I had a fight, which is why I'm a bit mad at him at the moment. Maybe I should switch houses just to spite him," Harry said with a sly smile. "Nah, he's not worth it. The only house that would 'hurt' him is Slytherin, and I'm sorry, Professor, but the Slytherin common room's décor is rather cold and evil."

"When were you in my common room?" Snape asked, trying not to sound impressed.

"Second year, Draco let us in," Harry answered smiling broadly at Ron and Hermione. "My mum and I chatted, cooling me off mainly. She's good at that."

"Yes, well, she married James, didn't she?" Thia said as if that explained everything. "He could be worse then Sirius if he let himself. He was fuming for weeks after Severus sent him to the hospital wing during the match seventh year. What was it three or four years in a row?"

"Four," Snape said assuredly. "Black was only three."

"Oh, that's right."

"Back to topic," Remus said, interrupting the two reminiscers. "What did you talk about?"

"About choice," Harry said, remembering her words clearly. "I'd rather not talk about that, it's between her and me." Remus nodded in understanding. "Then Dad and Mum made me realize what it would really be like if I stayed."

"And what would it be like?" Ginny asked from her chair.

"Horrible," Harry replied. "I'd have to watch you guys fight," he looked around the room making sure they all knew they were included, even Snape. "And most likely die, well, if you were lucky. Eventually, He would win and those of you who survived that long..." Harry shivered just imagining what the Death Eaters would do then. "You'd be better off dead. And the whole time I'd have to watch, not being able to help, and knowing that I could have stopped it had I gone back. So I came back. There is no 'peace,' not in this world or the next," he finished bitterly.

There was a stunned silence. No one knew what to say. He had come back to fight for them. Harry nestled his head deeper into his pillow, trying to fall asleep. He knew that the questions would start again, but he didn't feel like talking anymore. If he could just sleep, they wouldn't be able to ask them. Sleep evaded him, and Ginny took the time to question him.

"And yet, knowing all of that, you still think you'll try again?"

Harry rolled over slowly, so that he could look at her easily. "Do you really want me to try again?" She shook her head, horrified at the thought. "Then just let it lay and maybe I'll forget about it."

"That isn't an answer," Snape informed him impartially. "And you know it."

Harry rolled onto his back again and stared at the spot up there. Snape was right, as much as he didn't want to admit it. "Fine," he said thinking through what he was going to say before he said it. "I'm going to think about it. This past week has been the best rest I've had in months, if not years. I might physically be spent, but mentally... it's like I got a new slate. Every time I think of the past, another mark is put on it. Eventually, the future will add its own marks, and it'll be completely covered in chalk again and... we'll see," he finished with a shrug. "But who knows, maybe I'll be dead before then anyway."

"Do not joke about that, Harry," Mrs. Weasley yelled at him.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. "It is a reality though, and I've accepted that. I've accepted both actually."

"You've accepted trying a second time?" Hermione asked faintly.

"No, that my mental state will be that screwed up again," Harry said with another shrug. "Look, none of this is concrete fact, and it's giving me a headache. I'm tired and I want sleep. Please, let me get it. I've been more then a bit forthcoming." Dumbledore traded a look with Snape who opened his mouth.

"I told them all I know about the vision," he said before they had a chance to question him more. "The Death Eaters know I tried to kill myself and they think Sephra has the weapon 'cause whatever it is, it's passed down from mother to daughter. Logically, that would be her." Harry stopped and looked at Dumbledore for the first time. He didn't look so good. "Sir, if I asked you if you were the secret keeper for the Order before I knew about it, could you say yes and not betray the secret."

Dumbledore nodded with a smile on his lips; Harry realized it didn't reach his eyes. "Very good, Harry. But first you'll have to guess the secret keeper."

"Sir, are you Sephra's secret keeper?" Harry asked. "And please don't lie and say you're not. You wouldn't repeat your mistake with my parents. If you did... I'd be very angry and disappointed."

"I am," Dumbledore answered after a deep and penetrating look into Harry's eyes. Harry nodded and then clumsily took off his glasses. He just threw them at the table, not caring if they made it or not and fell asleep. The explanation had left him exhausted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room remained silent after Harry was asleep. His precariously placed glasses tilted a bit and then fell off the table, shattering the silence. Ginny slowly got up and set them carefully on the table. She looked at the others in the room and saw her horror matched in their eyes. Harry had changed so much and he took so much "bad stuff" for granted, as if it was normal.

"Is anyone else as disturbed by everything he said as I am?" she asked the group. There were several nods of agreement.

"Does anyone else feel like they want to visit the Dursleys?" Remus asked the group. There were more nods this time and they all turned towards Dumbledore.

"Don't ask me," he told them. "I can't condone it. Just go if you must." Thia, Remus, Mrs. Weasley, McGonagall and even Snape started to head out of the room while Ginny, Ron, and Hermione stood to follow.

"Sit back down, Ginny," Mrs. Weasley told her. "You too, Ron and Hermione. You are not going anywhere."

"But Mum," Ron started to complain.

"Don't 'but Mum' me, Ron," she told him severely. "You three will stay here. You are not going out there." Tears had formed in her eyes and the three teens knew she was thinking of Mr. Weasley. "What would happen if Harry woke up and you weren't here? He'd feel deserted, and who knows what he'd do." It wasn't fair, and in Ginny's opinion it was way below the belt, but it worked.

"Fine," she said for them all. "We'll stay." She sat down in her chair with an angry huff and Ron and Hermione followed suit. It wasn't fair!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nancy watched as the adults left the hospital ward. Pulling Albus away from the teenagers, she started a whispered conversation with him. "Should one of us go along to make sure they don't turn into a mob?" Nancy asked her old friend.

Dumbledore shook his head. "No, Severus will keep an eye on them. And Thia will as well, she only loses her self-control with her brother, as you very well know." She nodded still unsure. "Have a bit of faith in them."

Nancy looked at the door and back at her old friend. "Are you alright, Al?"

"I've been better and I've been worse, Nan," he answered her, rubbing his neck. "And I'm no longer young." There was a comfortable pause that he interrupted after a few moments. "Thank you for that potion. It did the trick."

"How long did it last?" she asked him.

"I'd say three, maybe four hours," he answered. "I forgot to look at the clock when I woke a few hours ago. You forgive me?"

"Of course, how could I not?" she said with a smile. "Harry on the other hand, I'm not sure he'll let you help him."

"I hope he will," he responded sorrowful. "His survival may depend upon it."

1 of 19