Hairy Pimper and the Ghetto of Doom

I be down wid dis ho'le pimp skoo idea. Ho-grid and I be goin' ta sum mad madness hood, Diagon Alley, dat was all magikal and shiat. I be buying myself a ho-whackin' stick! Nuttin else interesting happened. Word.

*****

Hairy Pimper scowled at the modest interior of the Hogwarts express. It was far, far from the bright pink Cadillac he had envisioned, which was, after all, what you'd expect to ride in to get to a pimp school. Eventually, he plopped down right next to Hermione Granger, eyeing her weirldly.

"Yo, mah homez. Whad da fuck's sup now?"

Hermione's face registered a look of confusion for a few seconds.

"I'm very fine, thank you."

"What be yo' name, biatch?"

Hermione screwed up her face at the mention of the word.

"Her-Hermione. Hermione Granger."

"Ho-mione, ya gotta ghetto booty and a pimpin' figga. You be mah ho, yo."

"I will NOT be your prostitute! I'm sure that's breaking at least fifty school rules!" screamed Hermione.

Hairy launched into an impromptu rap. "I yo' pimp, you mah bitch, give me all yo' dough!" This only made Hermione flush with embarrassment and anger.

"Ho-mione! Ha ha!" yelled a voice from behind. Ron Weasley poked his head up over the seat behind Hairy's and Hermione's. He was completely unaware of the meaning of "ho," but he wanted to get back at her for yelling at him that running in the aisle was a rule violation.

"I'm so very sick of having my name mispronounced. Please, Ron," said Hermione.

"Brutha, don't be messin' wid me when I be gettin mah mack on, yo," Hairy addressed Ron. Ron gave Hairy a blank stare.

"I'd expect more from the famous Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived," said Hermione, still mad about the "ho incident."

"Da Boy who Lived? Dat is WACK SHIZZIT, yo. You be callin' me Da Homie dat Didn't Die or P. Hairy, mah boo."

"P. Hairy," thought Ron, "That reminds me of a name on one of my father's muggle compact discs."

"You. Homebrutha. What be yo' name?" Hairy asked Ron.

"I be Infamous R.O.N.," answered Ron, quite proud of being able to come up with this name on his own, based on another of his father's CDs.

"Dat's wun phat nickname, homez. Ya chill wid me, ya gotta be smooooooovve wid da ladiez," Hairy spread his hands apart when he said "smoooove."

"You call asking a complete stranger to be your prostitute being 'smoooove?'" asked Hermione. Hairy shot her a Ghetto Scowl.

"Ho-mione be my ho, but she be so louzy, she ain't make no dough. Infamous R.O.N., do you know of any other hos?"

"There be some in da gardening shed on the Hogwarts grounds," replied Ron, or should I say the Infamous R.O.N., trying to copy Hairy's manner of speaking.

"I ain't be talkin' bout no gardenin' tools! You ain't down wid da ghetto jive, homedawg. Hos be whores, hoochie mamas . . ."

"Ohhh. . ." Infamous R.O.N. smiled at the thought. Somehow he doubted that the wholesome Cho Chang or his own sister would be interested in becoming Hairy's "hos."

Yo, Hairy here. I be arrivin' at Ho-warts Skoo, an' Ho-grid be tellin' me dat I gotta be in wun of fo' crackhouses. And dis getz bettah: A HAT be tellin' me which wun I be in. Da P. Hairy needz ta preserve his rep fo' da ladiez. He ain't be wearin' no pussy hat. But den da' hat be rappin'.

"All you mofos bettah shut the fuck up,

Cuz da Sortin' hat be sayin' whassup.

If you be in Hufflepuff dat be coo'

De be all loyal but de be foo's.

If you got mo' brains dan booty,

Ravenclaw be yo' house of beauty."

And it be sayin' sum otha shiat, yo, but I don't hear cuz I be gettin down wid da bit. I be puttin' da hat on backwards like a true gangsta and bustin' a move on da Ho-warts floor.

Hermione walked through the doors like a prisoner on her way to an execution. Her first day of wizarding school, and being called to Dumbledore's office! No one would ever want to marry her now!

"Hermione," said Dumbledore, interrupting her train of thought, "sit down."

"Yes, sir!" she sputtered.

"We've been hearing rumors that you are involved in prostitution! No Hogwarts student of ours is to have such a job!"

"But I did no such thing! Harry--"

"One hundred points from Gryffindor on the grounds of prostitution!"