Eudice Eusyram in the Adjective-Less Prequel: A Marauders' Fic

One day, Eudice Eusyram woke up in the Seventies! She was an incredibly gorgeous American teenager and a genius when it came it everything. She also happened to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form was that of a Kelpie, it meant she could turn into almost anything. She had also been Remus Lupin's girlfriend when... whoops, that part hasn't happened yet!

Anyway, Eudice decided to go downstairs from her dormitory at the American School of Witchcraft and Wizardly. Since it was the Seventies, Eudice was listening to Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" on her iPod. She was also watching a DVD of That '70s Show on her high-definition television (which had DirecTV) and using her iPhone to view the page for A New Hope on the official Star Wars website. This was a brilliant period detail since that film just happened to have been released in 1977!

Suddenly, one of her teachers, Professor Liberty, walked in the room wearing a disco outfit because it was the Seventies!

"You know that student exchange program we have with Hogwarts that's never mentioned in the canon?" asked Professor Liberty. "Well, we've just signed you up on it without telling you! Isn't that hilarious?!"

"Surely you can't be serious!" Eudice said in shock.

"We are," Liberty told her, "And don't call me 'Shirley'."

"After I've been a genius when it came it everything, how could you send me away without even telling me?" Eudice asked Liberty desperately.

"Because it's absolutely necessary that your life have as much angst as possible," Liberty answered.

"Fair enough," agreed Eudice. "Who are they sending over to replace me?"

"Someone named Peter Pettigrew," Liberty explained. "Over at Hogwarts, you'll be completely taking over his position in the plot -- I mean, school."

"That's great!" said Eudice. "Plus, if he's a scumbag that would betray his own friends to the evil Lord Voldemort, it'll give them a nice change!"

"That's exactly why we have these programs," Liberty assured her. "Now, pack your bags and prepare to leave!"

Eudice set off after saying goodbye to her favorite teachers; Professors Life, Liberty and Depursoota-Happeenas. Her best friends, Indy Pendance and Sev N. Teesix, were also sad to see someone so perfect leave. They hoped that the introduction of Peter Pettigrew into the school would make up for it. Boy, were they wrong!

Anyway, Eudice arrived at Hogwarts, which was in England!

"Today, we have a new student!" said Professor Dumbledore, who was headmaster of Hogwarts and very strange. "Her name is Eudice Eusyram and she's from America, where everyone is cool!"

"As opposed to here where only we're cool," Sirius Black said proudly. Everyone laughed because that joke was really funny.

"Anyway, you should come up and be sorted, Miss Eusyram," said Professor McGonagall, who was strict, but very nice. Eudice walked up and put the Sorting Hat on her head.

"Hmm, you're absolutely perfect, I see," said a small voice in Eudice's ears. "In fact, you're so perfect that you'd fit in anywhere, so I guess you'll just have to choose your house. There are four choices - Gryffindor is for angsty heroes, Slytherin is for troubled bad boys, Ravenclaw is for love interests and Hufflepuff is other."

Oh, I don't know, Eudice thought to herself. They all sound so nice. I guess I'll have to go with... Gryffindor.

"GRYFFINDOR!!!" shouted the hat.

Eudice joined the Gryffindor table and hit it off with a girl named Lily Evans, who became her best friend, and the Marauders. Unfortunately, Lily hated the Marauders, but Eudice convinced her to give them a chance. Lily did so and soon she ended up dating James Potter, all thanks to Eudice. Eudice herself started dating Remus Lupin, who she immediately recognized was a werewolf.

One day, a girl named Shirley Smith ran into the Gryffindor common room looking terrified!

"The Death Eaters are invading Hogwarts!" she said in a panic. "And they've turned me, Sirius Black, into Shirley Smith using a Polyjuice Potion!"

"Shirley, you can't be Sirius!" James said in shock.

"I am," Shirley/Sirius told him, "And don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"C'mon, we must try to stop them!" said Eudice. "Let's go to the library and look up some spell to save the day!"

They all went to the library and looked around. After three minutes of looking for a simple spell that would destroy the most powerful Dark wizard on the planet yielded no results, they all started to get discouraged. Then Shirley/Sirius found something interesting.

"Hey, look what I found here!" he/she called out excitedly. "Seven books about some bloke called 'Harry Potter'. Prongs, isn't 'Potter' also your last name?"

"My goodness, it is!" replied James, astonished that he hadn't noticed the connection himself. "I think we should read all seven books together just so we can make semi-humorous comments on every damn line! How long d'you think that'd take?"

"About three years!" Remus exclaimed happily. "Let's get started now!"

"Incindeo!" Eudice said, pointing her wand at the books, causing all of them to go up in flames. The Marauders turned to stare blankly at her.

"Sorry," she told them, "somebody had to do it."

They decided to look around a bit longer. In the meantime, James decided to take advantage of Sirius being a girl and have sex with him/her. This was to please all the James/Sirius shippers who don't like slash. Then Sirius changed back to being himself while they were having still sex, pleasing the James/Sirius shippers who do like slash. That was when Eudice found the book she was looking for.

"Okay, here it is!" she said, holding up a book titled Defeating Dark Lords Made E-Z. "Someone just has to die to save someone else and that'll destroy his powers."

"That's a great idea!" said Lily. "I'll do that with my only child when I grow up!"

"Okay, but what should we do in the meantime?" asked Remus.

"I'll take care of it," Eudice told them.

They walked back into Hogwarts, which by now had been taken over by the Death Eaters, and headed to the Great Hall, where Voldemort was trying to convince everyone to be evil!

"You should all be evil like me 'cause evil is cool!" Voldemort told them. "And if you won't be evil, I'll kill you!" Everyone gasped at how evil and clever Voldemort could be, but then Eudice, Lily and the Marauders entered. Eudice bravely challenged Voldemort to a duel.

"I'm going to win," laughed Voldemort to himself. "After all, I'm evil and she's a girl. She has no chance."

However, Eudice was also perfect and she decided to not only fight Voldemort without any weapons, but also without any clothes on. This was to make all the boys ogle over her even more and to make all the girls jealous, because she was incredibly gorgeous. She got the whole school to watch them and shamelessly displayed her naked body because she was perfect. Voldemort had clothes on because he was evil (not to mention very ugly.)

"You have met your match," Voldemort said, pointing his wand and trying not to get distracted by Eudice's incredibly gorgeous body. "Prepare to be--"

Voldemort never finished that sentence, because Eudice jumped on him and in five seconds she had beaten him up so much he couldn't move. She stood over him with her legs spread out so everyone could see her intimate parts. Voldemort was so hurt he started to cry and begged for mercy.

"On one condition only," Eudice told him. "You drink a quart of Phreneticus Potion."

Voldemort did so and suddenly his secret feelings for Severus Snape were overwhelming. Sirius snapped a few pictures while Voldemort and Snape had sex and posted them around the castle. When Snape returned to his normal state, he was so embarrassed and humiliated that he moved to Mexico. Eudice decided to stay at Hogwarts because she was perfect and Pettigrew was expelled. Everyone lived happily ever after except Snape, who was now living in Mexico, and Voldemort, who later got defeated just as Eudice had planned!

"I don't think I could go back!" Sirius said happily.