Dates, Pranks and Marauders

Chapter VI: James' "New Best Friend"

Remus, Sirius and Peter sat on one of the red Gryffindor couches watching Lily and James 'being a couple.' It was a sickening sight, really. Every other moment one of them would touch the other, then one thing would lead to another... Eventually James would have Lily's perfume or lipstick on him. Sometimes they'd get so into it that he'd end up with both.

Sirius watched them huffily with his arms crossed; a scowl working it's way onto his face. Lily and James had only been a couple for two days and they were already wrangling away like they were expecting the world to end tomorrow and were exhibiting their last rights.

'It's just ridiculous the way they keep going on like this. Do you think it'd hurt them not to touch for longer than five seconds?!' he complained to no one in particular.

'I feel like crap...' Remus said as he rubbed his aching shoulder.

'Well, I bet they won't do it anymore after a while. I mean, they can't keep on like this for longer than a week, can they?' Peter asked Sirius, knowing it was best to ignore Remus when he complained since he'd bite at you for pitying him if you asked about his health.

'Oh, I wouldn't be surprised. They're going to become an old married couple and he's going to totally neglect us. That's what happens when you get too involved with a female. It's hostile takeover! First she'll start by making him be with her at all times. Then she'll begin telling him what to wear and what to eat. Then she'll start complaining about 'boys' nights out' and finally she'll completely isolate him from everyone and thing but her. It's always the same story.' Sirius muttered darkly. 'I'm telling you, I've seen it happen before!'

'Is that why you've never had a girlfriend for longer than a day?' inquired Peter innocently. Sirius, being a little taken aback by this question, not to mention affronted, simply stared at Peter for a moment before continuing on complaining about James' new status as a 'steady boyfriend.'

'I've already said goodbye to my weekend. It's too late to get a date, and James will surely be too preoccupied to hang out with us,' he said, watching as James whispered something into Lily's ear, making her eyes go wide and her mouth upturn into a laughing grin.

'You can hang out with me and Remus,' Peter piped.

'Oh Goodie...' Sirius said flatly. Remus would be sickly and laid up all weekend, and Peter, well - he was a nice guy and all, but he wasn't all that much fun one-on-one.

'Stop complaining, Sirius. You can find a date easy enough,' Remus said with a large stretch that made his sore back make a series of sick cracking noises. 'Ah...that's better.' He smiled as the other two looked on with disgust.

'Oh yeah? Well, since you seem to know everything why don't you tell me who I could go on a date with. And I mean someone who's not just an intellectual, Moony. Any babes free this weekend?'

'Well, there's Susan Nugent over there,' Remus said, motioning over to the corner where there sat a fairly pretty brown-haired girl.

'Susie Nugent? Are you mad? Remember the last time I went on a date with her? I accidentally turned into Padfoot when we were snogging and she's scared stiff of big animals, so I had to use that humongous memory charm. I don't think it worked though... She still looks at me funny every time I see her.'

'So? I bet she's forgotten all about it. Besides, I don't want to have to see you pouting all weekend over James and his 'new best friend,'' Remus smirked while Sirius mouthed silently at him.

'Fine, I'll ask Susie Nugent...' Sirius said crossly as he got up to make his way towards Susan.

****

'Oh, come on, you know you want to,' Sirius wheedled.

'Actually, no, I really don't. I know it's hard to believe, but not every girl wants to date you, Sirius.'

'But how can you say 'no' to these puppy dog eyes?' Sirius asked, pointing pitifully to his pale blue eyes, which were currently filling with crocodile tears.

'No.' She spun on her heel and began to walk away. Remus and Peter, with nothing better to do, watched Sirius making a fool of himself, and laughed a little too loudly at her last remark. Sirius shot the two of them a dark look, and then followed after her, catching her by the arm and making her listen.

'Oh, come on. If you don't I'll be all alone this weekend. James is busy with Lily and you're the only girl I want to go out with,' Sirius tried playing the sympathy card, but instead of yielding, she snorted.

'I find that hard to believe. You are so cheesy. That's not going to work.'

'Alright, alright, its true, I didn't actually mean any of that.'

'Well, why would I ever want to go out with you, then? You're cocky, vulgar, and totally insincere. You lie all the time.'

'You know, you're the only girl who's ever refused me like this,' he said, trying to look appealing.

'And I won't be the last,' she scoffed at him. Sirius laughed, thinking that she was joking, and then tried a different approach.

'So...you don't have a date this weekend, neither do I. You're good-looking, smart, pretty, funny, hot, uh- clever, beautiful...therefore we should go out.'

'Last time we went out you turned into a dog when we were kissing. It was sick. I still get disturbing mental pictures every time I see you. You know how I hate large, slobbering animals,' Susie Nugent said, looking disgusted at the very thought.

'You're not supposed to remember that! And- wait, I do not slobber!' he told her indignantly. 'I don't even want to go with you anymore!' He turned away from her looking disgusted.

'Oh, no you don't,' she said, looking equally angry. 'We're going! And we're going to have one hell of a time!'

'Really? OK,' Sirius said, becoming perfectly calm once again. He looked over superiorly at Remus and Peter as if to say, 'told you so.' In fact he was so caught up in his victory that he didn't even notice that James and Lily had abandoned their new favourite pastime to listen in on his conversation.

Sirius smirked, wagged his eyebrows at Peter then retreated up the stairs, humming in a very self-satisfied way.

'Oh, I guess Sirius has a date this weekend,' James said, spitting out 'date' as though it were poisonous. He was bitter that Sirius always had a date, and he rarely did, then he remembered that he now had a full-time girlfriend. 'Oh, well. That leaves more time for us, Lily.'

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes in unison.

'I think I need a heavy pain-killer,' Remus told the others monotonously, popping his neck with a quick twist of his head. The other three cringed.

'I think I need an anti-nausea potion,' Peter said, eyeing both Lily and James, and Remus' abnormal bone-popping.

Remus got up, stretching once more, and began to make his way to the portrait hole.

'Hey, Remus, where are you going?' James asked him.

'Eh? Oh, I already told you. Hospital wing. Pain-killers.'

'Oh, right,' James said, solemnly looking at Lily. In addition to his usual creaking bones, Remus had several large gashes across his back that weren't visible. He looked like someone had taken a whip to his back relentlessly, and it was partially due to James' and Sirius' forceful handling of him, in addition to his own self-mutilation.

'You know, James, I really kicked my ass this time,' he said with pain in his eyes.

'I'll go with you Remus,' Peter offered kind-heartedly.

'No, I'd prefer to go alone,' Remus replied glumly.

'Oh, well, when you get back, can you help me with my Defence against the Dark Arts essay?'

'Fine, Peter.' Remus sighed resignedly then left slowly, cracking his elbow as he clambered out of the portrait hole. Everyone but Peter had finished their menial amount of homework, so he went and sat all alone at a table to struggle through it.

'Is he always like that,' Lily asked James quietly.

'Who, Peter? You know he's kind of slow, he always takes forever on his homework,' James said, misinterpreting her question.

'No, Remus. Is he always like that after, well, you know?' she asked again.

'Oh, yeah, but not usually this bad,' James replied.

'It's my fault, isn't it?'

'What? It's not your fault, why would you think it was your fault? It's not really your fault...' James stuttered nervously, obviously trying not to tell the whole truth.

'I feel really guilty,' Lily told him, her eyes were boring into James, and started to make him feel guilty as well.

'Why? Aheh, heh, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Of course, Remus doesn't usually end up like that but... no, don't feel guilty. So what about the Quidditch match, eh? This Saturday, going to come and watch me?' he asked her quickly, trying to change the subject.

'James, I always come to watch the games. But really, d'you think Remus is alright? I think I should go and apologise. You know that it's my fault.'

'Don't go!' James said miserably. It seemed that every time he and Lily got a private moment, one of his friends would always mess things up. 'I really want to spend some time with you. Remus'll be fine.'

'I'm sorry, James, but I really think that I need to go. Remus is your friend, and mine, too. You can understand what I need to do, can't you?' She looked sad to go, but determined nonetheless. James' thoughts were very apparent.

Women, he thought angrily, I just can't win, can I? If we do what I want to do, she's ma. If we do what she wants to do, she's mad. If I let her go see Remus, I lose. If I don't let her go see Remus, I look like an insensitive prat, and I still lose. Why is this so hard? Sirius never said relationships were this complicated. Then again, Sirius has never actually had a real relationship. James then realised that he had been unseeingly staring at Lily the whole time, and now had a glazed sort of expression on his face. He thought that he must of looked mentally subnormal, as he kept twitching his eye spastically.

'So?' Lily asked, looking at him with her arms crossed. Had she been wearing glasses, she probably would have looked over them condescendingly at him. James screwed up his mouth, and mustered every ounce of will-power he had developed through quidditch, and finally said in a very whipped but irate fashion,

'Yes, dear.'

Lily looked at James as if to say 'dear?' then gave him a swift kiss on the cheek.

'Thanks for being so understanding,' she smiled at him, making his heart leap up in his chest. As soon as she was gone, he stood up, sighed, and then walked over to help Peter. There was really nothing better to do.

****

Madam Pomfrey tutted loudly at Remus for not informing her of his extensive injuries. He didn't want pity, and tended not to tell people even when he was badly injured to avoid sympathy.

'These are some of the worst gashes I've seen you give yourself in a long time. What did you do? I can't even see how you could have possibly bitten yourself on the neck,' she scolded him angrily.

'I don't know. I must have scratched myself on something,' Remus lied. He always felt bad about lying; he lied to Madam Pomfrey, Dumbledore, his parents, and to some extent his friends.

'Well, if you had shown me this earlier I could have healed it in a second, but now that you've gotten it infected, you'll have to stay the night,' Madam Pomfrey told him matter-of-factly.

'I really am fine. I don't really need to stay the night, I-' Remus protested in vain.

'Nonsense. You're in a terrible state. I don't know why you didn't come to me sooner, Remus,' the matron said, smoothing his hair and handing him hospital issue pyjamas. She snapped the curtain shut behind her as she bustled off to prepare some awful paste to heal his deep lacerations.

Remus heard Lily's voice from behind the curtain as he finished resignedly putting on his pyjama bottoms and laid himself down on his stomach to wait for the matron to apply her salves.

'What can I do for you? Is there something still wrong with your face?' Remus heard her asking Lily worriedly. If he had looked out from the curtain, he would have seen the matron seize Lily's face and begin checking over her.

'Er- yes, I think it's still a bit swollen and it stings some. I was wondering if perhaps you could look over it. After you've finished with Remus, of course,' Lily asked her politely.

'Yes, all right. Go ahead and wait over on that bed next to Mr. Lupin, and I'll be over in a moment.'

Lily walked around Madam Pomfrey to get to her own bed, just as the matron pulled the curtain back from Remus' bed. Remus tried his hardest not to let Lily see his back, but it was too late. She gasped audibly as she saw the raking cuts that swept across his back, but quickly stifled herself and continued onward.

'Well, Remus, you'll have to wait just a moment. It seems that I'm out of nettles and so I'm afraid that I'll have to run off to the Potions Master's office. Will you be fine while I'm away?' she asked him, acting as though he might break if she left him alone for even a second.

'Yes, ma'am. I think I'll manage,' Remus said miserably. After checking his temperature again and giving him a good 'tut,' she hurried off.

Within moments of the door clicking shut Lily pulled the curtain aside and sat down next to Remus.

'I'm so sorry, Remus,' she told him, pulling her knees up to her chest and giving him a sideways glance.

'It's fine, really. It doesn't hurt at all.' Remus scrambled away from her so that his back would be completely out of Lily's view, but only managed to touch his gaping open wounds to the sheets, causing him to wince in excruciating agony.

'It doesn't look like it 'doesn't hurt at all,'' she said, trying not to look at the damage she had caused.

'I guess it does hurt, a bit,' Remus said, attempting valiantly to make it seem like it was a mere scratch. 'OK, Lily, it hurts a lot, but please don't tell the others how bad it is. Can we maybe not talk about this anymore?' he added curtly, letting her know that he wasn't going to discuss it anymore. There followed an awkward silence that continued for a long time, while Lily looked like she might cry, and Remus stared out the window with haunted eyes. Finally, Remus broke the hush that had fallen over the hospital wing,

'So, you and James finally got together.'

'Yeah,' Lily replied, blushing furiously while smiling.

'It sure took you long enough, I mean really-' but their conversation came to an end when they both heard the sharp footsteps of the matron clopping noisily down the stone-flagged corridor.

'I'd better go,' Lily said quickly, hoping to escape before the matron forced another putrid potion down her throat to help with the 'swelling' on her nose.

'But what about your face? Don't you need something for the swelling on your nose?' Remus asked concernedly.

'Oh, I lied. I just wanted to see you, and the matron wouldn't let me in unless I had a reason.'

'Really? I didn't know you had that in you, Lily. I really think we underestim-' but Remus was cut off by Madam Pomfrey's harping voice.

'What are you children doing? You need rest! You need to lie down. And you, Mr. Lupin, need to get those cuts off of the sheets. You're getting all sorts of bacteria in those.' Lily made for the door, only to be grabbed by the back of her robes and dragged back to the bed.

'My nose feels fine now, Madam Pomfrey, may I please go back to the dormitory?' Lily asked pleadingly.

'No, your nose still looks a bit red to me. It's no good sign for your nose to be hurting still. You'll have to stay the night, I'm afraid.'

'But- I have homework to do, and it's honestly fine, there's no need for me to stay at all!' Lily told her, pointing to her nose to show just how fine it was.

'Nonsense, you're staying here the rest of the night.'

'But-'

'No 'but's. Get into your pyjamas, and I'll get you an Anti-swelling Solution. And you too Mr. Lupin, you're staying as well.' Lily and Remus groaned together as Lily retreated behind her curtain to change. The Anti-swelling solution was one of the worst tasting potions Lily had ever had the misfortune to come across. After opening the curtain, she could have sworn that she had heard a barking laugh from somewhere in the dark corners of the room.

****

'Where is she?' James asked irritably. Lily had left for the hospital wing more than an hour ago, and had not yet returned.

'I know where she is,' Sirius snickered, 'she's in the hospital wing.'

'It was a rhetorical question. I know where she is. I want to know why she isn't back yet.'

'Aaaaah. I know why. And I shall reveal all to you...for a large sum of money,' Sirius said, raising his eyebrows, placing the tips of his fingers together, and trying to look mysterious and omniscient, like their insect-like Divination 'professor.'

'Thank you Professor Trelawney, now, why don't you tell us what you see with your all seeing inner-eye? How do you know anyway?' James asked, laughing at Sirius' convincing impression.

'Please do not ask me to reveal to you my strange and bizarre metaphysical ways. But now, my child, the gold. I can only make accurate predictions with a galleon in my palm,' he said in a soft, misty sort of voice, holding his hand out towards James, his fingers eagerly inviting the money.

'As much as I trust your inner-eye, to tell the truth, I don't think it's worth any money.'

'Aw, come on Jamsie. You're rich enough; your parents just sent your allowance last week. Besides, I lost a bet last month on your Quidditch match, and the Slytherins just don't take IOU's.'

'You lost a bet? But Gryffindor played last month... and we won. Did you bet against us or something?'

'Well, yes that...' Sirius said shiftily, looking uneasy and guilty. 'You see, last month was when you were sick, and the Slytherins gave me excellent odds that you couldn't win. I needed money, you must understand, James. Dervish and Banges got in those new longer lasting stink pellets and I just couldn't help myself! What would you have done?'

'I would have bought them, Sirius, with the money that I save,' James said, unwilling to believe that anyone could be as stupid as to place a bet with the Slytherins. Sirius stared at him for a moment, trying to come up with some sort of witty response to this statement of truth.

'Don't bother me with your logic! You know I lack common sense. That's why I need you to always be there, pointing out my faulty judgment!' Sirius said, trying to act as though this were the most obvious thing in the world.

'Anyways, where is Lily? She's been gone an awfully long time.'

'She's sleeping with Remus,' Sirius told him simply.

'What?' James asked, his voice cracking like a pre-pubescent thirteen year old.

'In the hospital wing, duh,' Sirius sighed, making his best 'duh' face.

'Did you really just say 'duh'?' James snickered.

'Yeah, but don't you want to hear what your girlfriend is doing to Remus?'

'I can't believe you said 'duh,' I haven't heard anyone say that since I was eight. You're such a pinhead,' James said, now wiping tears of hilarity from under his glasses.

'Pinhead? What are you, in first year? I think 'duh' was a very appropriate exclamation,' Sirius said, getting playfully defensive.

''Duh' is never appropriate at any time or place.'

'Oh I believe it is.' Sirius and James continued bickering for a long time afterwards, eventually forgetting entirely about where Remus and Lily were or what they were doing.

****

'Do you think she's asleep yet?' Lily hissed at Remus.

'Shush!' came the omnipresent voice from the end of the ward.

'Nope,' Remus replied simply.

'Remus, I just want you to know that I'll never judge you for-' Lily tried again, even more quietly.

'Shush!'

Lily and Remus both glared in annoyance.

'Remus? I just can't sleep because I feel so guilty.' Lily leaned out of her bed towards Remus, whispering almost inaudibly.

'It's fine Lily. The fact that you still remain my friend after finding out really means a lot to-'

'Shush!'

Both of them signed resignedly, and then laid on their backs in unison, staring at the ceiling, until,

'Remus?' Lily said far too loudly. The matron had finally had enough, she jerked their curtains open in annoyance, then said through gritted teeth,

'Go-to-sleep. NOW!'

'Yes ma'am,' they both squeaked together.

As they sat in the utter solitude of the ward at eight o'clock on a Thursday, they both berated themselves for ever having dragged themselves into the hospital.

END OF CHAPTER SIX