Five O'Clock Shadow

Five O' Clock Shadow

A.K.A., The Most Pointless Story at FictionAlley.org (Not .com!!!) That You'll Ever Read

Chapter Three

In Which Harry, Ron, and Hermione Finally Decide to Go to Breakfast and Ron Eats Eleven Sausages And the Trio Goes to Hogsmeade and Ron Gets Drunk! Hermione Gets Incredibly Pissed at Ronald Because He Won't Stop Drinking or Flirting With Madam Rosmerta and Harry Spends Half the Day Gazing at Ginny's Butt and Snogging Her, Too!! Plus, Harry Gets Kicked In a Very Private Place By Hermione! You Go Girl!

And Harry Gets Mad at Yours Truly For Not Writing a Title That Was Longer Than Last Chapter's

Exclusive! Ron's Guide To How To Get Drunk!

Hermione_Ginny: Not quite a long a title as the last two, but oh well.

Harry: Stupid idiot! You're not supposed to be so dumb!

H_G: Excuse me?

Harry: I said you were a stupid dumb idiot!

H_G: Excuse me?

Harry: Did you fart or something?

H_G: THAT'S IT!!!! *deletes him*

Harry:......

H_G: Hee hee hee! Shall we start?

Harry:...

H_G: Great!

At a Wizarding School....

In England....

Called Hogwarts...

At a Wizarding school in England called Hogwarts....

In the Great Hall...

At the Gryffindor table....

At a Wizarding school in England called Hogwarts in the Great hall at the Gryffindor table...

Ron: Will you get on with the story, pleeeeeeeeease? I'm hungry.

H_G: Oh fine, I will.

At the Gryffindor table at Hogwarts in England in....

Ron and Hermione: GET ON WITH IT!!!!

H_G: *deletes them* Oh dear...this isn't good...I have deleted all my characters....*undeletes them*

Hermione: Thank you! That's a lot better!

Ron: It felt very weird being deleted.

Harry: Now you know what it feels like. I've been deleted five times.

H_G: Six.

Harry: No, five.

H_G: Six.

Ron: Can we get on with it?

H_G: YES. *types furiously*

At the Gryffindor table...

Ron: *sits down and yawns* Man, am I hungry!

Harry: *sits down next to him*

Ron: *pushes him to the floor*

Harry: Hey! *gets up and sits on the other side of the table* Ah, I see, you want to snog Hermione! How cute!

Ron: *kicks him*

Harry: *makes a knowing expression*

Ron: Shut up!

Harry: I didn't say anything!

Hermione: *sits down next to Ron* Hello!!

Ron: Hi, sweetie!

Hermione: Um...are you talking to Lavender?

Ron: Hell no!

Hermione: Then who are you talking to?

Harry: You sure your hair's not blonde?

Hermione: *glares at him*

Harry: *blushes* Never...mind....*begins to eat*

Ron: *to Hermione* You, of course!

Hermione: Me?

Ron: Didn't I just say that?

Hermione: Yes you did! It's just that...oh Ron...I love...I love...

Ron: *eagerly* Go on...

Hermione: I love pancakes!

Ron: *flustered and angry* Oh...right...so do I....

Hermione: *smiles at him*

Ron: *melts*

Hermione: Crap. I mean, poop. I mean--

Harry: How about sh--

Hermione: No!

Harry: Let me finish the word!

Hermione: *shocked* No!

Harry: Shi--

Hermione: *wails* No!!!!!

Harry: Shiitake mushrooms!!

Hermione: No!!! Don't--oh, never mind. *makes Ron solid again*

Ron: Wow, that was sweet being a liquid!

Hermione: That's nice. Want some sausage?

Ron: Duh, you imbecile!!!

Hermione: What? Oh...*cries*

Harry: Nice job, Ron. Very nice.

Ron: Shut up, mother f--

Hermione: Ron!

Ron: Mother fu--

Hermione: No!! Ron!!

Ron: Mother fudge brownie!

Harry: Whatever. I'm going to snog Ginny now.

Ron: Say 'hi' for me!

Harry: *walks over to Ginny and French-kisses her*

Ginny: Ahh, Harry, you're such a hottie!

Harry: So're you, hottie!

Ginny: No, you're hotter!

Harry: You are!!

Ginny: You are!!

Harry: Whatever. *snogs her passionately*

Hermione: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ewww. Do you two mind doing that somewhere up? *secretly wishes she could do that to Ron*

Ron: *wishes he could do that to Hermione and eats eleven sausages* What would you do if I did that to you?

Hermione: Slap you. *thinks, No, I'd make out with you.*

Ron: You sure? *kisses her*

Hermione: What the bloody he--

Harry: Now now, Hermione, language!

Ginny: Harry!! *snogs him*

Hermione: Wasn't going to say that....

Harry: Suuuuuuure....*returns to snogging Ginny*

Ron: *pulls away* What the hell. *kisses her again*

Hermione: *returns the kiss*

Everyone in Hogwarts: Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

Hermione: *turns pink* Do you mind?

Everyone in Hogwarts: *snickers*

Hermione and Ron: *snogging*

Everyone in Hogwarts: Awwwwwwwwwwww.

Hermione: *turns pink* Do you MIND? REALLY!!!

Everyone in Hogwarts: *snickers again*

Hermione and Ron: *still snogging*

Hermione: Do you MIND?????

Ron: *pulls away from Hermione* Hermione_Ginny, this is really getting old.

Hermione: Yeah, it kinda is.

H_G: Whatever.

Ron: Shut up!

H_G: *deletes him*

Hermione: Hey!!! Now I don't have anyone to snog!! *cries* Waaahh....

H_G: Oh, fine.

Ron: *is undeleted*

H_G: *tartly, to Hermione* You're welcome.

Hermione: Much appreciated.

Ron: I love you, Hermione.

Hermione: You're only saying that because I gave you all the answers for our Astronomy homework!!

Ron: Ummm....

*~* Un...easy...silence...*~*

~*~Half an hour later in Hogsmeade...~*~

Ron: Man, I'm hungry! And thirsty!

Hermione: Ron, you just ate eleven sausages.

Ron: Oh yeah, I forgot...*burps* Oooh, the Three Broomsticks! I wanna Firewhiskey!

Hermione: Ron, you're Head Boy, don't be setting a--

Ron: *heads off for the Three Broomsticks*

Hermione: Oh dear.

Harry: C'mon. Let's go buy him a Firewhiskey.

Hermione: *hits him*

Harry: Oww! Why'd you do that?

Hermione: Because that's the last thing we want to get him!

Harry: Why not? C'mon, I like seeing him drunk!

Hermione: Oh God, help us. And, especially, me, who has to put up with two pathetic excuses for boys.

Harry: Hey!

Hermione: *shrugs* It's true.

Harry: Hey!

Hermione: Will you stop saying that?

Harry: Dunno. *steps in dog dung* Oh, fark.

Hermione: *raises an eyebrow* Fark? What's a fark?

Harry: *stares at her one raised eyebrow*

Hermione: What? Why are you staring at me like that?

Harry: How do you do that?

Hermione: Do what?! Harry, you're really freaking me out! Well, more than usual, that is.

Harry: Hey!

Hermione: Sorry. *sighs* Okay, what do I do that's so...so fascinating?

Harry: You can raise just one eyebrow.

Hermione: And I care why?

Harry: 'Cause it's cool.

Hermione: Ummm...sure. Whatever. Let's go find Ronald.

~*~The two enter the Three Broomsticks and find Ron at the bar, talking animatedly to Madam Rosmerta about Quidditch.~*~

Hermione: There you are, Ronald!

Ron: *ignores her and says to Madam Rosmerta* Oh yes, the Tornadoes are doing very well this year, unfortunately.

Rosmerta: Oh, don't you like the Tornadoes?

Ron: Of course not!!

Rosmerta: Why don't you?

Ron: Oh, for many reasons, Rosmerta me dear, too many to tell you.

Hermione: Ron?

Ron: What the hell do you want, Hermione???

Hermione: *taken aback* I...I was j-just wondering wh-where you'd l-like to s-s-sit.

Ron: I'm perfectly happy here, thank you very much.

Rosmerta: Ron, why don't you go sit with your friends?

Ron: Why should I?

Harry: Um...Madam Rosmerta? How many Firewhiskeys has he had?

Rosmerta: Four, I'm afraid.

Hermione: *squeaks* Four?!

Rosmerta: Yes, four.

Hermione: *faints*

Rosmerta: Oh dear. Should I help her to a table and revive her?

Ron: Leave her. Maybe Draco'll come and step on her!

Harry: Ron!

Ron: Aw, shaddup Harry.

Harry: Yeh, if you don't mind, Madam Rosmerta.

Rosmerta: Not at all, not at all...*hurries around to help Harry and whispers in his ear* Anything to get away from this one. What's wrong with him??!? Is he usually like this when he's drunk? And he was flirting with me - flirting with me, for God's sake! Lord, help me....What's this world coming to? A seventeen year old flirting with a fifty year old, I say--crap, I just told you how old I was...you didn't hear that!!!

Harry: Er...sure. I didn't hear that. *picks up Hermione* If you could...um...just get her between us....

Rosmerta: *nods and picks up Hermione*

Harry and Rosmerta: *carry Hermione over to a table and set her down in a chair*

Rosmerta: *points wand at Hermione* Ennervate.

Hermione: OH MY GOD!!!!!

Everyone else in the bar: What the fark?

Hermione: What's a fark?

Everyone else in the bar: Never mind.

Hermione: OH MY GOD!!!!!!

Harry: What's wrong? Hermione, are you okay?

Hermione: I just had the most horrible dream...I was stuck in a bar with Professor McGonagall...and we were doing something...something horribly wrong!

Harry and Rosmerta: *gasp*

Harry: Oh no! What did you do?

Hermione: She made me serenade Professor Dumbledore's spirit!! *bursts into tears*

Harry: Oh. Alrighty then!

Rosmerta: I expected it to be much worse.

Hermione: And th-that was after we s-snogged!!! *bursts into tears again*

~*~Un...comfortable...silence...~*~

Harry: Ouch.

Rosmerta: Ditto.

Ron: ROSEMERTA!!!!! I NEED ANOTHER FLIPPIN' FIREWHISKEY!!!!!!! ON THE DOUBLE!!!!!

Rosmerta: Get it yourself!!

Ron: Snog me first!

Rosmerta: No!!

Ron: FINE!!!! HERMIONE, YOU GET ME A FIREWHISKEY, NOW!!!

Hermione: *hiccups*

Rosmerta: No, not Hermione, she's...in a right state! Harry, go get him a Firewhiskey.

Harry: *sighs* Why me...? *gets Ronald a Firewhiskey and runs back to Hermione and Rosmerta*

Rosmerta: *to Hermione* Are you okay now, dear?

Hermione: *sniffles* Y-yes.

Rosmerta: Okay then, I'll leave you and attend to my customers. *leaves*

Hermione: *wipes her arm on her sleeve* What's wrong with Ron?

Harry: *stares at her* Hermione, for being the smartest person in school, you sure are stupid when it comes to being drunk.

Hermione: *glares at him*

Harry: Ummm....

Hermione: *gives him a Charlie horse*

Harry: Owww...

Hermione: *furiously* Take it back!

Harry: Owww...

Hermione: *puts him in a half-nelson*

Harry: Owwww!!!

Hermione: Take it back!!

Harry: Owww...!!

Hermione: *kicks him in the nuts*

Harry: *doubles over, wheezing* Oh....My....God....In....Heaven....

Hermione: Take it back.

Harry: I take it back....Ohhh....*falls over*

Hermione: I think you've learned your lesson, Harry James.

Harry: *in great pain*

Hermione: What's all the bloody fuss about?

Harry: Have...you...ever...been kicked...in...the...frickin' nuts??

Hermione: Harry, I don't have any. I'm a girl.

Harry: Oh...right....I forgot....Owww....

Hermione: You want another kick?

Harry: God no!

Hermione: I thought so. *goes over to sit by Ronald*

Ron: Go away.

Hermione: *kicks him in the nuts too*

Ron: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mommeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: Wimp.

Ron: MOMMA MIA!!!!!!!! HOLY SMOKING LIZARDS!!!!!! FLAMING SPAGHETTI WITH SAUSAGE!!!!!!!!! BLOODY TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!! SYMPHONIES, ORCHESTRAS, AND SONATAS!!!!!!!!! GEORGE, JOHN, PAUL, AND RINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME GOD!!!!!!! HELP ME TOM CRUISE!!!!!!! HELP ME OPRAH WINFREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: *to Harry* You know, this is actually very entertaining.

Harry: *nods* Very.

Ron: *finally stops yelling* Rosmerta! Another Firewhiskey!

Rosmerta: You're selling me out, Ron.

Ron: Awww, c'mon, this is only my tenth.

Hermione: *raises an eyebrow* Only?

Ron: Shut yer mouth! *chugs another Firewhiskey and suddenly looks at Hermione* Oh gods, Hermione, you're hot.

Hermione: What? *to Harry* One minute he's a drunken sailor, cursing at me and telling me to go away, and now he's telling me I'm hot? And you think I have bad mood swings!

Harry: But that's PMS. This is different.

Hermione: So then my mood swings aren't as bad as Ron's when he's a drunken hott - um, mood-swinger.

Harry: Yeah, well it happens to you every month. It only happens to Ron every two months.

Hermione: *puzzled* So are you sayin' he skips a period?

Harry: Hermione, for the smartest girl in school, you sure are - never mind, I'm not even saying.

Hermione: *sourly* Good, ya idiot.

Ron: HERMIONE!!!!

Hermione: *jumps* What?

Ron: You're hot!!!! *drools*

Hermione: That's nice.

Ginny: *enters*

Harry: Oh my God, it's Ginny!! She's hot! Hi, sweetie!!

Ginny: You talkin' to me?

Harry: Who else would I be talking to?

Ginny: Dunno...Ron?

Harry: All right, you're gonna pay....

Ron: ROSEMERTA!!!!!! ANOTHER - *faints*

Hermione: Oh dear, he's fainted.

Ginny: That's going to be a problem, isn't it?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Well, what do we do with him?

Hermione & Harry & Ginny: *exchange uncertain glances*

Harry: I've got a great idea!!

Hermione & Ginny: *excitedly* What?

Harry: Let's leave him here!

Ginny: *nods approvingly*

Hermione: Sounds like a plan. Let's get outta here.

Harry & Hermione & Ginny: *exit the Three Broomsticks*

Hermione: Are you sure, though, it's a good idea to leave him there?

Ginny: Yeah, by the time he wakes up, he'll realize what he did was wrong.

Harry: He'll have learned not to drink eleven Firewhiskeys in one sitting.

Ginny: Not only that...but he'll have a wicked hangover.

Bonus

Ronald Bilius Weasley's Guide On How To Get Drunk

(Within Ten Minutes)

Plus!! A Sneak Peek at Ron Weasley's How To Get a Hangover!! (In 12 Hours, Guaranteed!)

A Sneak Peek at Ron Weasley's Guide How To Get A Hangover