Five O'Clock Shadow

Five O' Clock Shadow

A.K.A., The Most Pointless Story at FictionAlley.com That You'll Ever Read

Chapter One

In Which the Author Makes a Stupid Comment and Has a Pointless Argument With the Boy-Who-Lived and the Story Begins, Also

Hermione_Ginny: Whew, that was a long title.

Harry Pothe - er, Potter: Well, what do you expect, from a weirdo like you?

H_G: *deletes him*

Harry: Hey!

H_G: Ah ah ah, you're deleted, so you can't talk to me! *sticks out tongue*

Harry: *swears* You really stink, you know that?

H_G: Not really, I just took a shower!

Harry:...

H_G: *snickers*

Harry:....Oh all right, so you don't stink...

H_G: Enough of this shi - er, crap - let's get on with the story!

Harry: Well, you're the bloody author of this bloody pointless story! *blows off steam*

H_G: Right, and as author of this bloody pointless story, I have the authority to delete you, again. *glares at Harry*

Harry: Oh...right...whatever...*sighs*

H_G: Shall we begin?

Harry: I dunno, you're the author of this story, not me, you numskull!

H_G: *deletes Harry again*

Several minutes later...

In the year 1997...(or 1998? Hmm...which one...decisions decisions...) Okay, never mind, 1997...

In the Gryffindor common room...

At a table...

With lots of cruddy Astronomy homework...

And Defense Against the Dark Arts homework...

And, what the heck, I'll add it...some yummy yummy POTIONS homework! *cackles evilly as people scream in horror* Mwahahaha...give me your cupcakes...

H_G: Our story begins -

Ron Weasley: Oh come on, the worst of stories always begin with "our story begins"...

Hermione Granger: *slaps Ron*

Ron: Owww!

Harry: *snickers* Hey everybody! Ron's being beat up by a girl!

Everyone else in the common room: *rushes over to Ron, who is massaging his left cheek; Hermione, who is beaming and takes out a felt-tip pen to sign autographs with - she suddenly realizes that no one in the Wizarding World uses a felt-tip pen, so she puts it away and produces a Color-Changing-Ink-Quill®; and Harry, who is eating his thirty-third chocolate covered Chocolate Frog and feeling sick for some unknown reason*

Lav-Lav Brown: Poor Won-Won...*begins to snog him*

Ginny Weasley: *giggles*

Colin Creevey: *giggles along with Ginny*

Dean Thomas: *roars with laughter*

Cho Chang: Urg!

Harry: Cho! My honey-woney cutie hottie - heeeeeey, what's the deal? You graduated from Hogwarts a year ago! And you were in Ravenclaw, not Gryffindor, my sweetie! Duh!

Cho: Oh. Right. I forgot. *Apparates*

Hermione: *fumes* YOU CAN'T APPARATE WITHIN THE HOGWARTS GROUNDS YOU STUPID IDIOTIC DUNDERHEADED PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! *snogs Harry*

Harry: *is confused* Wha? Why are you doing this? I'm confused...

*time suddenly freezes*

H_G: I don't like this cruddy H/Hr shipping snogging crud...I think I'll change it...rewind time...*waves wand wildly and pokes Ron's eye out* Oops, sorry Ron...*gives him back his eyeball* Oh let's see...now where were we...*rewinds time, this time without poking out Ron's eye*

Hermione (to H_G): Hey! But I liked snogging Harry!

H_G: Too bad!

Time rewinds to about ten minutes previously...

Just a little reminder...

Hermione just slapped Won-Won - uh, I mean, Ron - and it hurts! Oh, poor little Ronnie...here's a tissue...CRY A RIVER AND GET OVER IT, YOU WIMP!!!! Ahem...now, where was I? Oh yeah...I forgot....

Ron: Owww! *rubs the spot where Hermione hit him*

Ginny: *snickers* Hey everybody! Ron's being beat up by a girl!

Everyone in the common room: *runs over to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny*

Ron: *blushes and wishes he had a cupcake*

Harry: Ha ha! *kisses Ginny*

Ginny: You're so hot, Harry.

Harry: Thanks. *snogs her again*

Harry and Ginny: *snogging*

Hermione: *begins to cry, not because she loves Ron and is sorry, but because this story needs some DRAMA! And why, you ask? BECAUSE I SAID SO BECAUSE I'M THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOODY STORY!!!!!!! GEEZ!!!!!!!!!*

Ron: What's wrong, Hermy-own?

Hermione: *slaps him and stops crying because she knows that Ron will not be as good a kisser as Victor wa - er, is*

Ron: *snogs Hermione*

Lav-Lav: What? Waaah! *cries*

Hermione: *returns the snog and pulls away, turning to Lavender* Three words: Ha. Ha. Ha.

H_G: Actually, Hermione, that was three sentences, not three words.

Hermione: No, it was three words.

H_G: No, it was three sentences.

Hermione: No, it was three words.

H_G: It was three sentences.

Hermione: It was three words.

H_G: It was three sentences.

Hermione: It was three words.

H_G: It was three sentences!!!

Hermione: It was three words!!!

H_G: *loses her head completely* IT WAS THREE SENTENCES, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!

Hermione: *blinks* Oh, it was?

H_G: Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious. Flippin'. Flyin'. Chocolate. Frogs. *exasperated* Yes, Hermione.

Hermione: *shrugs* Oh, okay.

H_G: So anyways...

Hermione: *resumes snogging Ronald*

Everyone else in the common room: *disperses and giggles and thinks about food*

Harry: Er...where were we before we all started...

Hermione: Snogging?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Well, you and Hermione_Ginny, who just happens to be the author of this pointless but semi-funny story, had a pointless argument about...well...pointless things. And may I remind you that, as the author of this pointless but semi-funny story, she has the ability to delete your pointless but semi-funny self. Got that?

Harry: Uh...sure.

Hermione: *rolls eyes*

Ron: *looks at the clock* It's almost eleven...

Hermione: *returns to working on Potions essay*

Harry: So? *begins to eat his thirty-fourth Chocolate Frog*

Hermione: *looks up* What did you say, Won-W - I mean, Ron?

Ron: Never mind, it's eleven oh two.

Hermione: *stares at Harry* Do you have a five o' clock shadow?!?! *jumps out of chair and inspects Harry's chin*

Harry: What the crap? Hermione! How can I have a five o' clock shadow if it's eleven o' clock?

Hermione: *exasperated* You idiot, I thought you had some stubble there. Maybe you do...*inspects his chin more closely*

Ron: *blinks stupidly* Wha...?

Harry: Yo' momma!!

Ron: *bursts into tears*

Hermione: *kisses him to make it all better*

Ron: *cries*

Hermione: *checks the clock again and gasps, dropping Harry's chin on the table and knocking his glasses to the floor*

Harry: *dazed* Wha's wron', Herm?"

Hermione: *snaps* Don't call me Herm!

Harry: *still dazed* Why not?

Hermione: Just don't!

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: SHUT UP!!!

Harry: *cowers*

Hermione: I'm sorry, Harry. And you *whirls around and gets in Ron's face* you are so...so...hot...*kisses him passionately*

Ron: *stops crying*

Hermione: *pulls away* Yipeeee! I've got a boyfriend!! *dances*

Harry: Uh...Hermione...Hermione_Ginny?

H_G: What the bloody Chocolate Frogs do you want?

Harry: Uh...about earlier...

H_G: You mean our pointless argument about pointless things or when you two snogged which actually didn't happen because I eras - I mean, deleted - it so it didn't really happen but yet it did because -

Harry: HERMIONE_GINNY!!!!

H_G: What?

Harry: Can we leave?

H_G: But then I won't have a story to write...I mean type...

Harry: *shrugs* You said yourself that this story was pointless but semi-funny...

H_G: No I didn't, that was Hermione -

Harry: Who is you because she is -

H_G: Yada yada yada, I know, because her actions and words are my creation and all that stuff.

Harry: Geez.

H_G: I can delete you, you know, and I've done it twice already -

Harry: Once.

H_G: Whatever, and I'm not afraid to do it again.

Harry: Oh fine...just end the bloody chapter, will you?

H_G: Okay...*types really really fast and makes a ton of mistakes*

Hergione: BEd time, boys, c'mon let's go! You numsculls!

Hary: What> Oh okay...c'mon Ronnies lets goies...

Ron:: 'K...

H_G: *slows down with the typing*

Harry: *climbs up the staircase with Ron, Hermione follows*

Ron: Hey, Hermione, you can't come up here!

Hermione: *blushes* Oh yeah, I forgot...'night...*goes up to the girls' dorm*

Ron: *shakes his head*

H_G: The two boys went upstairs and fell asleep, eagerly awaiting the next installment of Five O' Clock Shadow, in which they learn about five o' clock shadows and how to deal with them.

Harry: Am I asleep?

H_G: YES YOU ARE!!!!

Harry: Oh...'kay...*falls asleep and snores loudly*

H_G: *sighs disgustedly* Men...*shuts down computer and goes to bed also*