And Then the Author Gets Invovled...

"I hate you."

"Ditto."

"Harry hates you."

"Ditto."

"Ron hates you."

"Is there an echo? Ditto. Miss Granger, do you not realize that we are in the same room together, forced by my boss and your Headmaster (same person, mind you) and we cannot leave except at night and eating and etc.?"

Hermione glares at Professor Snape. "I know!" she says slowly.

Snape glares right back. "If it wasn't for that stupid rule-"

"-You would've taken a thousand points from Gryffindor, I know, I know."

Snape smiles evilly, or as you peoples call it, smirks.

"I hope you know that the moment we get out of here, I will do just that."

Hermione rolls her eyes. "The point of us even being here is so you can feel more warmly toward Gryffindors, so I am not worried."

"The day I feel warmth toward your house is the day blue monkeys dance in Minerva McGonagall's pajamas! Singing to Elvis Presley! Doing the Can-Can! WITH SWORDS GROWING OUT OF THEIR EARS!"

Hermione stares at the Potions Master. "You've put a lot of thought into that, haven't you?"

Snape just emits a loud bark/hiss/growl thing and turns his back to his student.

Hermione laughs softly to herself.

Score, she thinks triumphantly. Snape's snapped.

Dumbledore enters the room, his fingertips together and a serene smile on his face.

"How are we doing in here, you two?"

"I hate her!" Snape shouts.

Dumbledore chuckles. "You know in two days there is a shift switch."

Snape and Hermione look at the Headmaster.

"You mean I can get out of here?" Snape asks, almost begging at Dumbledore's feet.

"No, I mean Miss Granger can get out of here."

Snape collapses in a dead faint. When he comes to three seconds later, Dumbledore continues.

"Miss Granger will be replaced with Mr. Weasley."

"Nooooo..." Snape moans, his face in his hands. "Why, Albus? WHY??"

Dumbledore suddenly emits a deep, sinister laugh.

"Mwahahahaha! Because I can, Severus. And I WILL! Mwahahahaha!"

Dumbledore suddenly starts to choke on something.

He regains his composure and rests his fingertips together and looks at the two people in the room. He smiles serenely again.

"This is so much fun." He says quietly, before exiting the room.

"Oh, and Severus," he says before he closes the door, "Minerva told me to tell you she heard the comment on her pajamas. Frankly, I disagree with you; her pajamas are rather lovely. I've worn them myself a couple of times. They're quite comfortable."

Hermione's eyes widen. She is shicked solly. I mean, shocked silly. See? I'm too shocked to even write properly.

Snape stares after the Headmaster, who closes the door finally.

He turns to sneer at Hermione, who is sitting on the couch, reading a book.

"Where'd that couch come from?"

Hermione looks up. "Oh, I don't know! The author just decided to have a couch in the room! I don't know how her brain works!"

I'm touched.

Hermione looks up at me. "You should be."

"Who are you talking to?" Snape asks Hermione, still sitting on the floor.

She's talking to me, you bumbling dunderhead.

Snape eyes dart around the room, searching for the source of the voice.

I, the author, suddenly replaces him with me, the author.

Hermione screams.

"What?" I ask.

"That outfit is hideous!"

I look down at my outfit. It is made up of a cyan colored shirt and red pants and dark brown shoes.

"You are absolutely right."

I snap my fingers and I magically change into Hogwarts robes.

"What house are you going to be in?" Hermione asks me, suddenly very interested in how the plot is going.

I ponder. I put on a Ravenclaw badge, a Hufflepuff badge, a Gryffindor badge, and a Slytherin badge. Where they come from I have no idea. But hey! I'm the author.

"Which one looks better on me?"

Hermione frowns. "They all look okay."

I smile. "I'll be in every House, then!"

I look around the room and shake my head.

"No, no, this will not do."

I snap my fingers and Hermione and I are suddenly in the Great Hall. I see Harry and Ron at the Gryffindor table, and they are looking at me. Their eyes are narrowed and they frown.

I smile. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" I call to them.

They turn around, blushing.

Hermione sits next to Ron and I march up to the High Table.

"Albus," I say, "What the bloody heck is wrong with this school? We need a party!"

Dumbledore looks at me expectantly. "And?"

I think for a moment. "Oh yeah, and a huge cake!"

"And?"

"And Keanu Reeves and Will Smith doing funky disco dances."

"And?"

"Oh, you'll really arrange for Keanu Reeves to come to Hogwarts?!?"

"You're the author."

I rub my hands together and smirk maniacally. "Cool."

"But I would have deeply appreciated it if you would at least try to remember it's my birthday today," Dumbledore says calmly.

"Yeah, yeah," I say, waving my hand dismissively, "whatever."

I turn to the students of Hogwarts and shout, "KEANU REEVES IS COMING TO HOGWARTS!"

Everyone stares at me for a minute; I swear I could hear crickets chirping.

"You know, the guy from the Matrix?"

Chirp, chirp.

"Never mind, you'll know him when you see him."

Everyone starts to talk again, and suddenly, blue monkeys come into the Great Hall and start to do the Can-Can to an Elvis Presley song wearing McGonagall's pajamas with swords coming out of their ears.

Everyone looks at Snape.

He looks at the Gryffindor table where Hermione sits and she yells, "YOU PROMISED!"

He looks as if he's about to cry, folks. It ain't pretty.

"Fine! I LOVE YOU, GRYFFINDOR!"

And I'm telling you, every single one of those Gryffindor students keeled over in shock. None of them awoke.

Except for Hermione, who's now leaving the Hall, a very triumphant look on her face.

"SCORE AGAIN!" she shouts happily.

Back to ME. I am sitting on the couch in the Hufflepuff common room, watching Hannah Abbott doing the hokey-pokey.

"You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about! Yay!"

I snap my fingers and Hannah is replaced by Justin Finch-Fletchley.

He starts to do the Can-Can, but I stop him.

"Nope, sorry mister, that's reserved for the dancing monkeys. Be gone with you!"

I snap my fingers again, and I'm in the Slytherin common room, where Draco Malfoy is sitting, staring at a wall.

"Hello." I say cheerfully, although I know Malfoy is a bumbling dunderhead and he's a HUGE git.

Malfoy looks up at me, his eyes bloodshot and he has enormous bags under them. His mouth is open and he's drooling, giving off the impression that he's sleeping with his eyes open.

"My favorite Professor just admitted his love for Gryffindor. Am I the only one who finds that really wrong?"

I count off the people I know on my fingers silently. I have to use Malfoy's fingers, too, because I know a lot of people.

"Yup." I say eventually.

He slams his head against a wall and makes a huge hole in it.

I hold my hand out.

"What?"

"A million galleons for the damage you caused on a very valuable - I mean wonderful school."

He dumps a million Galleons into my hand (I shrink them by snapping my fingers) and as I walk out of the room, I snicker.

"Sucker," I whisper to myself, slipping the shrunken Galleons into my pocket.

I love Hogwarts.

But some people hate me.

Then again, some people...oh shoot, the last sentence was supposed to be the ending!

My bad.