Girl Power

A/N: This is a spoof. However, it is not a spoof of Harry Potter, it is a spoof of fanfiction. I imagine the more fanfiction you've read, the more likely you are to get it.

Not all the credit can be given to me. The great hall scene, and the concept of PIGs was written/created by my sister, the comic genius that is Mystic Madzy. Read her Hogwarts soap opera series if you're still willing to go to the Bad Place - it's utter madness, and therefore of course great fun. (It has all the usual Hogwartians, plus Buffy, Britney, Genuine Sleepy-Happy-Snorty-Snort and much much more!)

Oh, and also, no offence is meant to the fanfic authors/stories mentioned in the text. I have deliberately only mentioned stories I really like, so if you're mentioned, you can consider it a compliment.

Girl Power

By Helmione Nightingranger, aided and abetted by Mystic Madzy

Dedicated to everyone who's ever considered themselves a feminist, even if it was only in a moment of irony!

"Aha, my newest plan will wreak chaos over the British population, and I shall take control, and forge lots of trade links, soon resulting in world domination! Mwa ha ha ha ha."

"What's that, Wondrous Master?" asked Wormtail.

"I said I shall have world domination! Mwa ha ha ha ha," repeated Lord Voldemort. He leant over the tiny stream, and poured the hot pink potion in.

"What will the potion do, O Serpentine One?" asked Wormtail, cowering.

"This, Wormtail, is my greatest plan ever - I shall turn British society upside down. I will pour the Girl Power potion into all the streams in the country, so that it flows into the water supply, sending all the women haywire. The place will be filled with Spice Girls and Dominatrix Prostitutes - the men will lose control entirely. And then...we strike!"

As well as being old, rather evil, and having a personal hygiene problem, the Dark Lord was also somewhat of a chauvinist, and he assumed that if women tried to take charge of the country, it would fail drastically because the women would spend all their time gossiping and shopping.

His plan was doomed to fail from the start, though. He hadn't counted on Hermione Granger.

***Three days later***

"Hey, Granger, you look really ugly today!" said Malfoy, as he passed the dream team on the way to breakfast.

"Is it just me, or is he not as witty as he used to be?" asked Ron.

Hermione didn't reply. She simply gave Draco a high crescent kick to his jaw bone, and walked into breakfast.

"Wow" said Harry, Ron, and Draco as one.

"Hey!" said Ginny "what's so great about that? Anyone can kick box!" To demonstrate this point, she placed an equally ferocious kick on Draco's left cheek.

"Will people stop doing that?" he asked.

"Well, seeing as you're so sexy, I'll stop if you promise to wear leather trousers," said Ginny, giving him a roguish wink before walking into breakfast after Hermione.

The hall was in disarray. Instead of the orderly, civilized breakfasts they were used to, Harry and Ron came in to find the hall swarming with girls. Girls shouting and screaming, girls standing on tables and hanging from paintings. Girls in a whipped up frenzy of man-hating.

From the centre of the crowd there came the sound of somebody clearing their throat very loudly and deliberately. Cho walked to the centre of the table she was standing on.

Slowly the din began to subside. Eventually all that was left was one poor soul, who shouted as loud as her lungs would let her, "BAST-" then she trailed off, realising everyone else had stopped shouting.... "ards"

Cho glared at her.

"Now," she began "If we have all quite finished!" She held her goblet up to her mouth and took a long gulp. "We, as girls, have always been underestimated!" Loud cheers filled the air. "We are truly the superior sex! And we will conquer!" The shouting and screaming was beginning to hurt Harry's ears. "What I suggest is that we forget about unnecessary things like school houses and existing friendships with the evil ones otherwise know as BOYS, and BECOME PIGS!"

The room fell silent.

One girl spoke out, "Pigs?"

Another dropped the chocolate bar she was eating guiltily.

"Pretty Intelligent Girls!"

The response was immense.

From the corner of his eye Harry saw someone sprint to the table and climb up next to Cho.

"HERMIONE?!"

Hermione lifted her arm in a victorious position and began to scream...

"We are pigs! All girls are pigs! We are PRETTY, INTELLIGENT GIRLS! And we will take over the world!"

Harry and Ron decided that this would be a good time to leave. They sprinted out of the hall and away.

*

Later that day, Hermione was walking down the corridor arm in arm with Ginny.

"Granger!" said Malfoy, evidently about to make some "witty" remark.

"Can't you read?" asked Hermione impatiently. She pointed to her badge. Malfoy leant in closer to read it.

It said: "If you don't have boobs, I'm not interested."

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?" asked Malfoy.

"Will you or shall I?" asked Ginny.

"Both together," answered Hermione.

"What?" asked Draco. The girls said nothing. Ginny punched his left cheek and Hermione his right one.

"Go girls!" cheered Cho from down the corridor. Malfoy hurried away.

"That was pretty cool," said Ron timidly to Hermione.

She raised her fist threateningly. "You only hate Malfoy because you feel intimidated by him - you are *such* a typical man," she said.

"Thank you," said Ron. Hermione kicked him in the shin, then she and Ginny walked off, muttering about testosterone.

Ron stared after her, eyes glazed. "Wow," he said. "I love a strong woman."

"I know what you mean," said Harry. He too was watching Hermione. He felt strange, like he was seeing her for the first time. She was so beautiful. He sighed.

"There's no point in looking at her like that - you two wimps don't stand a chance with a girl like her!" said Draco lazily behind them.

"We do too!" said Ron, "Well, I do!"

"Hey!" said Harry, "I could get Hermione if I wanted too!"

"Tough cookies, Potty, she's mine!" yelled Ron.

"No way Weasel, she's mine!" shouted Draco.

"You're both wrong! I *love* her, and love conquers all, so nah ne nah ne nah nah!" Harry looked very pleased with himself.

"Well, I love her too!" cried Ron.

"Do not!" retorted Harry

"Do too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Ahem!" said Draco, clearing his throat. "Actually, *I* love her."

"Well, may the best man win!" said Harry, holding out his hand to shake with them both.

"No way, Harry, why would we want you to win?!?" asked Ron, confused.

Cho, watching the scene, sighed. Honestly, men!

*

"Harry, Ron, Draco, quickly!" The three boys were still arguing about which one of them loved Hermione the most when Dumbledore rushed up to them. "Lord Voldemort is attacking the castle. Quick, you three alone can save us!"

"But Malfoy's a Death Eater, isn't he?" asked Harry.

"I-I was," said Draco, suddenly changing sides "But, well, my father never loved me. He bullied me, and I was...so afraid. But I know what's right. I know I've been a fool - I've treated you badly, and I'm...so sorry...forgive me...!" He burst into noisy sobs on Harry's shoulder.

"There, there!" said Harry softly, patting him on the head.

"Come on," said Ron, "We need to organise everyone, we're going to save the world!"

"I don't think so, sunshine!" The boys turned. There was an army of girls marching up the corridor, armed with machine guns and crossbows à la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, chanting "We are PIGS! We are PIGS!" Hermione was in the lead, with the biggest crossbow of all, dressed from head to toe in black leather and wearing bright red lipstick.

"If there's gonna be any world saving around here, WE're gonna be the ones to do it, alright?"

The boys said nothing, they just gazed at her. Draco began to drool silently. Ron dropped to his knees and began kissing Hermione's six-inch-high metallic stilettos.

Just then, a distraction arrived. Peter Pettigrew rushed in.

"I have a message from my master!" he announced importantly.

Hermione stepped forwards.

"Wait, uh, I mean wait!" said Harry, lowering his voice a couple of octaves in an attempt to sound manly, *I'll* handle this, Hermione. What's the message, Peter?"

"Shan't tell you!" said Peter, giggling inanely. Hermione grabbed the nearest machine gun and held it up.

"Tell us the message, sweetheart, before I plug ya full of holes," she sneered.

"He says...there is a bomb in Hogwarts. It will go off in an hour. You have 'til then to stop him. Mwa ha ha ha ha!" Peter disappeared with a crackle of lightening.

"Curious, very curious," said Hermione.

"Why?" asked Draco.

"I know! I know!" said Harry and Ron together, "It's curious cos you can't apparate or disapparate inside the Hogwarts grounds!" they both looked at Hermione expectantly, as though expecting this to please her.

She cocked an eyebrow at them, and turned to the crowd.

"Now, listen to me, and listen good," she said, in a voice of quiet authority. "We've got one hour to save Hogwarts. Lord Voldemort is, of course, evil and horrible, with absolutely NO redeeming qualities. Except his dress sense. And his hair. And the whole "evil mastermind genius" thang, which, let's face it, he's got going ON. But in every other way, he's absolutely not the sort of man we want in our world - he's old, he's ugly, he's insensitive, and I bet you all the gold in Gringotts he never calls when he says he will. He must be defeated! We will find this bomb, and we will throw it at him and blow him up!"

The crowd cheered.

"Er, Hermione...?"

She looked around. Dumbledore was peering round a doorframe timidly.

"Rule 46 A section 3 of the Hogwarts Charter - no armies are to be formed in Hogwarts between December and April, or on any public or religious holidays. Today is Saint Gwyneth's day - no can do on the whole angry mob thing."

Hermione looked at him. "Oh, is it the 26^th already? I forgot, sorry Professor! OK then, you lot. You heard him, disband! Now!"

"But Hermione, we're Pigs, we need to go and save the world!" said Cho, looking disappointed as Professor McGonagall wrenched the crossbow from her grasp and tossed it on the mounting pile of discarded weapons.

"Rules are rules, Cho! If we're going to save the world, we must do it in a safe and law abiding way. Being pretty and intelligent doesn't mean we have to be violent, I can see that now. Anyway, we can burn our bras later if that'll make you feel better."

Cho scowled. "You sure have changed, Hermione. I thought I knew you this morning."

"Hey, are you denying my right to have mood-swings? We're supposed to be celebrating all things female, not condemning them! Don't you oppress me!"

"OK then," said Cho cheerfully. "I'm happy, happy, happy! See, I just had a mood-swing too!"

Hermione looked scornfully at her. "OK, now you're just bandwagon jumping!"

"Talk to the hand, darling, COs the face ain't listening!" Cho said, glowering.

"Whatever!" said Hermione, forming a W with her thumbs and index fingers. Cho stormed off down the corridor.

"I love how quick you are in an argument, Granger," said Draco, sidling up to her.

"No you don't, I love it!" said Ron and Harry in chorus.

Hermione looked at Draco.

"Strange, that's what I've always admired about you too," she said. "You want to go somewhere and, uh, *talk*?"

"Hey!" said Ron and Harry together.

"Form an orderly queue!" said Hermione, as she pulled Draco into the charms classroom by his school tie, "I'll see you all in turn!"

*

Harry pulled away from Hermione, who had been kissing him passionately.

"Oh no! I've just remembered! There's a bomb!"

"Golly gosh, you're right!" said Hermione. "You three are such good kissers that I completely forgot!" She tossed her hair back. "Right, we've got..." she checked her watch, "precisely eight minutes to save Hogwarts from destruction and to prevent evil taking over the world. Let's get to work - where's Ginny?"

"Ginny?" said Harry.

"Why do we need Ginny?" asked Ron.

"We can't possibly have an adventure without Ginny! Haven't you READ Draco Sinister?"

"Draco what?" asked Harry. "We know he's sinister, why would we need to read about it?"

"It's by Cassandra Claire," said Hermione.

"Cassandra who?" asked Ron.

Hermione shook her head impatiently. "Anyway, where IS Ginny?"

"She's here," said Draco in a muffled voice. They looked over to see Draco and Ginny snogging deeply.

"Don't talk with your mouth full!" said Hermione.

"!!!!!!" said Ron.

"Yeah, it's rude," said Harry lazily. "Hermione, you want to make out again?"

"What is going on with everyone?" Ron demanded.

"Oh puh-leas, Ron, we obviously have to all have complicated and lewd love affairs with each other - you'll be telling me next that you've never heard of Trouble in Paradise by Ebony Elizabeth Thomas a.k.a. AngieJ!"

"Well, I haven't. But that's one hell of a name!"

"Anyway," said Ginny. "The bomb!"

"Right, right, the bomb, I keep forgetting," said Hermione. "Why is it so hard to focus today?"

"Because," a slimy voice said from the other end of the corridor, "you're a woman!"

Lord Voldemort appeared from the shadows.

"Today, I will take over England. And I have started here. All over the country, women are taking control, influenced by the Girl Power potion in the water supply. But women can't cope, the country is in chaos. The men can no longer control the women, they have become useless and pathetic and," he shuddered as he said the word, "sensitive. It cannot be! Men will not live like this - they will turn to me as their saviour because I alone can save them from damnation! I will have complete control, and I will start by killing you, Harry Potter."

"If men are useless now, then why are you killing Harry?" asked Hermione audaciously.

"Because, my dear girl, it is symbolic. Honestly, logical people have no sense of art!" The Dark Lords voice was dripping with scorn.

"What would you know about true art?" asked Hermione in a voice equally contemptuous. "I'll bet you've never even heard of The Show That Never Ends!"

"Well, maybe not, but I'll have you know I used to be quite the amateur dramatic in my day, missy!"

"Hang on a sec," said Draco, breaking his kiss with Ginny, "It's been much more than eight minutes - what's happened to the bomb?"

"There IS no bomb, fool! It was all a ploy to get you to panic!" said Lord Voldemort.

"Oh," said Harry. "That's alright then." He pulled Hermione towards him and kissed her.

"No it's not," said Hermione, disentangling herself from his arms. "He insulted woman kind. I may not be in black leather anymore, but I'm still a PIG, and as such I still have a responsibility to kick chauvanistic butt. Hi-YAH!" she said, punching Voldemort so that he flew back into the wall, cracking his skull open and dying instantly.

"Ah, Miss Piggy, how much we have learnt from thee," said Hermione, making the sign of the Beautiful Female Cross - hairclip to lipstick, mascara to mascara.

"So, uh, we saved the world!" said Ron.

"Yeah, we did it!" said Harry. "I love you guys!"

"Now we should all make friends and have a big party to celebrate our tremendous victory!" said Draco, beaming.

"Excuse me?" said Hermione, flabbergasted. "I think you'll find it was MY tremendous victory!"

"Yeah, well, it's nice to share," said Ron.

"Besides, you can't have saved the world, Hermione, you're a girl. You're pretty and all that, but triumphing over evil is just not your thing." Draco patted her on the head. "It's OK, just smile and wear low-cut robes, then nobody will care that you're a waste of space."

Hermione said nothing, she just got redder and redder. She looked like she might explode any minute.

"So, what happens now?" asked Ron.

"Well, I get Hermione," said Harry.

"How come you get her?" asked Draco.

"I'm the hero," said Harry. "The hero always gets the girl."

"But I have the whole love-hate relationship going on!" argued Draco, "It'll be like Romeo and Juliet!"

"Yeah, well, Hermione and I are jealous of each others dates - we belong together!" Ron joined in.

"So? That doesn't mean anything!" said Harry.

"Well, we also have a tempestuous relationship - what's more romantic than that?" asked Ron, going red in the face in anger.

"Give me a break, Weasley, tempestuous is nothing compared to a star-crossed love affair!" screamed Draco, losing his temper.

"Let's leave them to it..." said Ginny quietly. She and Hermione slipped away down the corridor.

"The stupid thing is, I don't fancy ANY of them," said Hermione. "I wish people would stop assuming that because I'm a girl character I'll be unfulfilled unless I have at least one of the heroes trying to get into my knickers. I think JK Rowling may be a leetle bit more original that that!"

"Ginny?" said Hermione after a pause. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you..."

"What's that?"

"Will you...will you marry me?"

Ginny looked ecstatic. "Oh Hermione, I thought you'd never ask!"

Ginny picked up her broom, and she and Hermione got on it. As they left the ground, they looked back at the crumpled body of Voldemort on the floor, and at Harry, who was still shouting "but I'm the HERO!" whilst Draco and Ron had a girly slapping fight.

"What d'you want to do next, Herms?" asked Ginny.

"I'm thinking world domination, how about you?" said Hermione.

"Yeah, that sounds cool. Girl Power!"

And they flew off into the sunset, hand in hand.

~Fin~