Harry Potter and the Mother of All Clichés

~ ~~ ~ ~

Ginny walked into her common room, a flounce in her step. Well, not really a flounce, as that would probably hinder her walking, but she seemed to be bouncing, not really walking. Or maybe gliding? Yes, she was gliding.

Ginny glided into her common room, a...

Nope. Never mind.

Ginny walked into her common room, a flounce in her step. Draco Malfoy was sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire morosely. "Draco!" she exclaimed, rushing over to him. "Are you alright?"

"What do you care?" he asked sadly. Then he sniffled.

Ginny hopped onto the couch and brought his head to her bosom. Although normally Draco would scoff at being touched so by a Weasley, he immediately forgot this as soon as his head touched her bosom. He let out another sniffle, smiling inwardly when she held him even closer. "Oh, Draco..."

"My father wants me to become a Death Eater!" he wailed, suddenly overcome with the hopelessness of it all. "I don't wanna!" he sobbed.

"There, there..." Ginny murmured, stroking his head.

"I never really meant it when I teased you about everything," he cried. "I was only doing what my daddy told me to! All I ever wanted was his love!"

"Shh. It's alright," Ginny said. She suddenly became aware of a growing hardness by her foot. "Draco?" she asked, frowning.

He blushed. "Ignore it," he muttered. "It has a mind of its own."

Ginny nodded. "Of course."

~ ~~

Hermione glided--yes, glided--into the dungeons for her detention with Professor Snape. "Hello, Professor," she murmured, a small smile on her face.

Snape sputtered incoherently.

Hermione suddenly pushed her professor onto his desk and proceeded to snog him mercilessly.

Pulling away from her fiery kisses, Severus gasped, "But Miss Granger--"

"Call me Hermione," she giggled, effectively silencing any further protests.

~ ~~

Harry sat down in the common room, thinking. He knew that he had to push his friends away. He couldn't afford to let them get hurt by Voldemort.

The exchange student attempted to sit down beside him.

"Go away," he muttered, trying not to look at her.

"But 'arry!" she exclaimed, looking hurt.

"Just...go," he said, his heart breaking.

"'arry," the French girl proclaimed, "if zees iz about zat'orrible Yu-Know-Who, zen I demand zat you forget about eet. I can take care of myself, zank you very much. Now come 'ere," she demanded, cradling him in her arms. Harry didn't push her away again.

~ ~~

Hermione walked into the Defense Againstthe Dark Arts classroom, wondering idly who the teacher was.

A robust woman walked into the room, her large hips swaying with every step. Neville Longbottom fainted. No one caught him.

"My name is Professor Polder. I am your da-dainstructor." A few students giggled. "Now I want all of you to turn to the person next to you and give them a big kiss!"

The students stared, shocked. Hermione glanced to the seat next to her. It was Ron. She raised a brow at the other students--none of whom were moving--and leaned over, giving Ron a snog worth remembering. The other students quickly followed her example, including Ginny and Draco, Harry and the French girl, and Oliver and Percy, who for some reason had decided to return to Hogwarts and get back into seventh year.

After everyone had given their neighbor a kiss, Professor Polder beamed at the room. "Now don't you all feel wonderful? Who can tell me the definition of--"

"I know!" Hermione yelled, raising her hand.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" the professor asked.

"It is a very short, stout creature who cannot bend backwards and enjoys eating cupcakes," she said wisely.

"Very good, Miss Granger," Professor Poltersmiled. "Fifty points to Gryffindor."

Hermione beamed.

The rest of the lesson passed very quickly, Hermione answering the professor's questions before she had a chance to ask them. By the time the lesson was over, Gryffindor was up nearly five hundred and fifty-seven points, having lost three when Neville fell over.

While they were walking to their next class, Draco came up to Hermione and got right in her face and said, "Mudblood."

Harry, who until this point had been staring dreamily at the French girl, and Ron, who had been standing idly by doing nothing, both jumped at Draco, beating him to a bloody pulp. Hermione gasped. "Harry! Ron! You're going to get in trouble!"

"Noooooooo!"Ginny yelled, running up to Draco. "You poor, poor thing," she whispered, cradling his head in her lap. She looked up at her brother, tears running down her face. "How could you do such a thing to such a poor boy?" she asked. "His father beats him enough--you don't have to do it too!"

Harry blinked. Ron fainted.

"I forgot to tell you guys," Hermione said suddenly, as Ron was just waking up again. "I'm dating Professor Snape."

Ron fainted again, though this time he was caught by Blaise Zabini, who cradled him in her arms and kissed him on his forehead. Harry screeched. In response to Hermione's announcement, not Blaise's overtures toward Ron.

"Hermione, dude, I don't know what you're talking about but you gotta loosen up, baby," a voice came from the sidelines.

"Who are you?" Hermione asked, looking quite perturbed.

"I'm a character the author has thrown in because she has something called writer's block, and so, out of options, she has thrown me into it."

Hermione blinked. "Right," she said.

"I will be sorted tonight at dinner, and will most likely be sorted into Gryffindor, as I am so cute and adorable."

"You're a guy."

"I'm handsome and all the chicks love me," he corrected.

"Right," Hermione said again.

***

That night at dinner, the mysterious boy who had turned up in the hallway was sitting at the Head table.

"Tonight," Dumbledore declared, his eyes twinkling like firecrackers, "we have a new student with us. He is a transfer student from Australia. We also have a transfer from the States. They are both transferring into seventh year for reasons I am not allowed to disclose but which I hear have to do with the survival of the Wizarding world."

All the students blinked.

Professor McGonagall carried the Sorting Hat and the stool out into the Great Hall and set them down, motioning to the mysterious boy to sit. "GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted the second it was placed on his head.

The stern professor than motioned to the other student, a girl with bleach blonde hair and bubble-gum in her mouth, to sit. The second the hat was placed upon her head, it yelled "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Hiya!" she said perkily the second she sat down at the Gryffindor table. "Ah'mfrom Texas, or Down South. Ah'm right lookin' fohwahd to gettin' ta knowy'all!"

Harry blinked, narrowed his eyes, and turned back to the French girl before proceeding to snog her senseless.

Ron stared dreamily after Professor McGonagall, hoping to catch a glimpse under her robes.

Hermione just sat in her seat, completely knowledgeable of all the stares she was getting from the students--and a few of the teachers as well. She was, after all, a beauty.

~ ~~ ~ ~

A/N: I think this might be getting more ridiculous. I'll be noting the clichés and the just plain ridiculous things down here...

** The transfer student from America is the embodiment of all transfer students from America: perky, bubblegum-chewing, difficult-to-decipher-accent, blonde-haired, and a Gryffindor.

** The transfer student from Australia is simply the embodiment of what all authors do when they have writer's block, or perhaps just a problem (that would be me): add another character whose presence makes no sense.

** Poor Draco. He gets beat up by Ron and Harry for no reason, he's been abused by his father, he doesn't want to be a Death Eater, and he's lusted after and loved Ginny for as long as he can remember but wasn't able to show it for fear of his father.

** Dumbledore's poor eyes twinkle so much I'm afraid they might explode one of these days.

** What is with the extravagant amount of points given and taken by professors in fanfics? Professor Snape took ONE POINT from Harry in the first book for not knowing the answers--not ten or fifteen or twenty. *shakes head disbelievingly*

** All the new students go into Gryffindor, don't they? Well, unless they have an evil look to them or someone has a bad feeling about them. Then they're in Slytherin. Whatever happened to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?

** Poor Ron faints whenever he finds out something about Hermione and Snape or Ginny and Draco.

** Impossible feats, eh? Who has a FLOUNCE in his/her step when he/she walks? What on earth IS a flounce, anyway?

** Hermione only stops fights because Harry and Ron could get in trouble.

** Ginny is always worried about Draco.

** Everyone cries at the drop of a hat, especially the girls and the Nice!Draco.