Harry Potter and the Mother of All Clichés

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Harry Potter lay in his bed in a cupboard, sleeping restlessly, occasionally calling out in his sleep for something that wasn't there. He suddenly jolted awake, gasping and clutching his scar. "I have to get out of here!" he said to himself.

Quickly the beleaguered boy took out a paper clip and got out of the room, muttering inanely to himself. He grabbed his trunk and his broomstick, performing a weightless charm on the trunk so that he could carry it. Dumbledore had given him permission to use magic that summer at the Dursleys. The poor boy quickly flew to the Weasleys on his fast broomstick, a new-model Firebolt that had cost a good chunk of his vault, some 10,000 galleons worth.

"Ron!" Harry said, tapping on his friend's window. The red-headed boy quickly opened the window, letting his best friend in. "Voldemort's going to attack the Dursleys' house; I had to come!"

"What about the Dursleys then?" Ron asked, his sleepy blue eyes looking quite sleepy.

Harry shrugged. "I don't care; they were beating me, did you know?"

"You never said anything!" Ron said, shocked.

"Oh." Harry scratched his head. "Huh. Must have slipped my mind."

Ron stared blankly for a second before jerking out of his stupor and letting Harry use the bed while he prepared a blanket for himself on the floor.

~ ~ ~

Hermione Granger walked onto Platform 9 ¾ with a smile on her face, ecstatic to finally be back on the Hogwarts Express. She walked right up to the cabin where she knew her friends to be and walked in. "Hi Harry!" she said. "H-h-hi, R-ron," she smiled nervously, twirling her hair around her finger and biting her nails. "H-h-h-how are you d-d-d-d-doing?"

"Oh, n-nothing m-m-much," Ron stuttered, blushing and looking at the floor, the ceiling, and finally her bosom area before blushing again and looking at the ceiling.

"Harry, how are you?" Hermione said, jumping on the opportunity to speak with her best friend, her chocolate brown eyes nervously twitching.

"Fine..." he said.

The unbearable silence lasted for a good five minutes before someone entered the room. "Oh! Excuse-moi, je suis l'exchange étudiante!" said a girl with a delicious French accent.

"C'est ça va," Hermione replied, a smile on her face.

"Hermione, I didn't know you knew French!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh, yes," Hermione smiled. "I also learned Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Greek, German, Latin, Japanese, and Chinese last summer."

Harry blinked.

"Ah! You know zee wonderful language La-tan?" the French girl asked. She obviously was very knowledgeable in fashion. Harry stared at her, his emerald green eyes becoming dreamy.

"Oui!" Hermione said.

Ginny Weasley suddenly entered the compartment, her fiery red hair scooped on top of her head. "Oh hello!" she said. "How are you all doing? I'm just making a few rounds. Have any of you seen the Head Boy?"

Hermione frowned. "No, I haven't. And do you know who made Head Girl?"

"I did," Ginny smiled.

Hermione frowned again. "But you're in sixth year."

"No I'm not, didn't you hear? I was moved up a year thanks to my success in my studies."

Hermione scratched her head. "Nope, doesn't ring a bell."

"Huh. Well, I made Head Girl and they didn't tell me who Head Boy was. Can you imagine?" Ginny asked.

"Nope," Hermione agreed.

"Je suis l'exhange etudiante!" the French girl exclaimed again.

"Oui, je sais," Hermione muttered.

"I'm Ginny, the Head Girl," Ginny said, holding her hand out to the new girl. "Good luck on your sorting. Hope you get into Gryffindor. It's by far the best of the Houses. Well, I must be off! If you see the Head Boy, tell him I'm looking for him." She flounced off out the door.

Silence reigned for another five minutes.

"So," Harry said. No one said anything. "So," he tried again. Still nothing. "Alright. G'night." And he laid his head against the seat and went to sleep. Within two minutes he was snoring.

~ ~ ~

There were a shocking number of first years to be sorted, and when they were finally done, there were two students left standing.

"We have two exchange students this year," Dumbledore announced. "One from Durmstrang and one from Beauxbatons. The one from Beauxbatons may be sorted first."

As soon as the hat was placed upon the blonde girl's head, it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

The table cheered excitedly, the boys much more than the girls, all drooling over her, and the girls watching her with narrowed eyes. They would have to keep a close watch on their boyfriends, they knew.

The exchange student from Durmstrang looked very sad and had a seemingly permanent frown attached to his face. "SLYTHERIN!" the Hat shouted seconds before it would have been placed on the boy's head. He walked slowly to the table, which cheered half-heartedly.

Dumbledore stood again. "I would like to introduce this year's Head Boy and Girl. The Head Girl, I am pleased to announce, is Miss Ginny Weasley." Ginny stood, the Gryffindor table cheering loudly. "And the Head Boy," Ginny looked around, her eyes narrowed, realizing that she still didn't know who he was. Dumbledore continued, "is Mister Draco Malfoy." Ginny's mouth dropped open as the Head Boy stood up, smirking, and the Slytherin table cheered loudly. She suddenly fainted, falling in almost slow-motion. Draco dashed all the way across the room, catching her just before she hit the ground.

The whole hall stared. And stared. Then Dumbledore clapped his hands, the food appeared, and life went on as usual.

~ ~ ~

Hermione stepped into the Potions classroom, sensing doom with every step she took. "Miss Granger!" Snape called. She looked at him, her chocolate brown eyes taking on a dreamy appearance at the sight of the Potions Master. Ah...

"Miss Granger!" he called again. "You will be paired with Mister Uranus." Only he said it 'your-anus.' Hermione blushed a deep red, fainting. Mister Uranus caught her seconds before she hit the ground, cradling her in his arms and murmuring soft, meaningless words of comfort to the poor, beleaguered girl.

She came to within seconds, resting her hand on her rescuer's face. "Ah..." she said. "What is your name?" she asked suddenly.

"My name ees Tyler," he said.

"Tyler," she murmured.

"Miss Granger!" Snape shouted. "Detention at nine! Tonight! And tomorrow! And come to think of it, the day after tomorrow as well!"

"Of course, professor," Hermione murmured, batting her eyelashes at him. Snape sputtered incoherently, although the careful observer could see the barely contained flush that covered his face and the sudden tightness of his robe.

Hermione took her place next to Tyler, her leg sneaking over to play footsie with his. She winked at him suggestively, mouthing, "Tonight at ten, Astronomy Tower."

He looked extremely happy suddenly and licked his lips. The lesson was short, as the constant batting of Hermione's eyelashes quickly reduced Professor Snape to sputtering incoherently and slipping his elbow in the butter on the wall he always seemed to be leaning against.

Ginny and Draco, who had of course been paired together for the Potions project that Snape had assigned, spent the duration of the short lesson glaring at each other, although the careful observer could tell that Draco's robes were uncomfortably tight around his hips.

Harry and the Beauxbatons exchange student had also been paired together, and Harry spent the duration of the short lesson staring dreamily at the French girl, who in turn batted her eyelashes at the handsome Boy Who Lived.

Ron, paired with the poor, unsuspecting Millicent Bulstrode, spent the duration of the lesson attempting to get into her pants.

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