Harry Potter and the Declaration of Independence

    Harry Potter and the Declaration of Independence:
                Filks from the musical 1776

            ********************************

I. The first is a parody of the song, "The Lees of Old Virginia".

          The Weasleys of the Burrow
(with apologies to Richard Henry Lee, John Adams
              and Benjamin Franklin)

Scene: By means of an enchanted Flying Ford Anglia,
Ron, Fred & George bring Harry Potter from Number Four
Privet Drive to their home in the village of Ottery
St. Catchpole, "The Burrow".

Ron, Fred & George:
               Our family name is Weasley
               "The Burrow" is our home.
               Our family name is Weasley.
               "The Burrow" is our home.

               So you can get out of dad's car
               Maybe mum can't see us from afar.
               And we can sneak in without our getting caught.

               For we are clan Weasley, a big family
               And our little sister's name is Virginia.
               Yes, the clan Weasley, the largest family
               In the town of Ottery St. Catchpole.

Ron:        And we had better get inside.
               If mother sees us she will tan my hide!

Ron, Fred & George:
               We'll wish we'd sneaked in without our getting caught.
               You see, it's here Weasley, there Weasley,
               And everywhere Weasley, Weasley.

Fred:       Bill Weas--

Ron:         -ley!

George:    Perfect Percy Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

Fred:       Charlie Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

George:    The Twins Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

Fred:       Ronald Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

George:    Ginny Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

Fred:       Arthur Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

George:    Molly Weas--

Ron:        -ley!

Ron, Fred & George:
               We're clan Weasley, one huge family
               And our little sister's name is Virginia.
               All our dad cares about, you see
               Is Muggles and eckletricity
               So it won't matter to him if we get caught.

Harry:      But Mr. Weasley, He'll help us.
               He will, Ron, He will!

Fred & George:
               We'll get inside The Burrow without our getting caught.
               We have to get inside The Burrow without our getting caught.
               But, we tell you Ron, it's tough
               Unless you are made of the stuff
               of Weasleys, the Weasleys of The Burrow.

Ron, Fred & George:
               You see, it's here Weasley, there Weasley
               And everywhere Weasly, Weasley.
               Here Weasley, there Weasley
               Look Out! There's Bill Weasley,
               Charles Weasley, Humongous Bighead Percy Weasley.
               Fred Weasley, George Weasley,

Fred:       And Ickle Ron.

Ron:         That's me!

George:
               It's elementary, my dear Holmes,
               We'll be stuck removing Garden Gnomes.
               If we don't sneak in without our getting caught.
               By Merlin's beard! It's here Weasley, there Weasley
               Come on, "bro's", join in with me!

Ron, Fred & George:
               Here Weasley, there Weasley

Harry:      What's your Dad's name?

Ron:        Arthur Weasley!

Harry:      Here Weasley, there Weasley--

Harry:      And who is your Mum?

Ron:        Molly!

Harry:      Here Weasley, there Weasley--

Ron:        She won't spank you but she will me!

Ron, Fred & George:
               Here Weasley, there Weasley,
               Everywhere Weasley, Weasley.

               Burrow, Ho!

(Harry, Ron, Fred & George try to sneak into The
Burrow, with predictable results.)

            ********************************

II. This is a parody of the song, "But, Mr. Adams".

            Professor Lockhart
    (with apologies to Messrs. John Adams,
  Thomas Jefferson, Roger Sherman, Robert
  Livingston and Doctor Benjamin Franklin)

Scene: Hogwarts Faculty Staff Room. Gilderoy
Lockhart is attempting to explain why he should not
venture into the Chamber of Secrets to save Ginny
Weasley. Professors McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick,
Sprout and Hooch are singularly unimpressed.

Lockhart:        So sorry... must have dozed off... what have I missed?
                      Which of you will volunteer to find the Chamber of Secrets?

McGonagall:   Professor Lockhart, I say you should seek it.
                      You're the Defense Against the Dark Arts wizard.

Lockhart:        Is that so?

                      Well, I don't think I should do it,
                      Though I would go right to it.
                      I won Wizard Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile award.

McGonagall (with a frosty look in her eyes):
                      Yes, I know.

Lockhart:        But I say you should seek it, Minerva, yes you.

McGonagall:   Och, no!

Lockhart:        Yes you, Minerva McGonagall, you!

McGonagall:   But--

Lockhart:        You!

McGonagall:   But--

Lockhart:        You!

McGonagall:   But...

McGonagall:   Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart,
                      It seems you take me for an idiot or a senile fool,
                      The DADA teacher slays all Monsters; it has been the rule.
                      I must remain Assistant Headmistress at Hogwarts School.

Sprout, Flitwick, Hooch and Snape:
                      It's the rule! It's the rule! Minerva is no fool!

Lockhart:        Professor Sprout, I think you should write it.
                      You know all a witch could ever know of plants.

Sprout:           Root and branch!

Lockhart:        You see, I don't think I should do it;
                      Though I would go right to it.

McGonagall, Flitwick, Snape and Hooch:
                     We grow weary of his boastful raves and rants.

Sprout:           I've seen him blanch.

Lockhart:       So I say you should seek it, Madam, yes you,

Sprout:           No, Gilderoy.

Lockhart:       Yes you, Professor Sprout, you!

Sprout:           But--

Lockhart:       You!

Sprout:           But--

Lockhart:       You!

Sprout:           But...

                      Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart,
                      The Chamber's said to hold a thing from Greek mythology.
                      It's on flora, not on fauna I know morphology;
                      So I must stay right here and study my Herbology.

McGonagall, Flitwick, Snape, and Hooch:
                      Herbology! Herbology! A magical gardener she!

Lockhart:        Mr. Flitwick, maybe you should seek it.
                      You know everything there is to know of Charms.

Flitwick:         Well, I should.

Lockhart:       You see, I don't think I should do it,
                      Though I would go right to it.
                      You'd bring Ginny back into her mother's arms.

Flitwick:         Yes I would.

Lockhart:        Then I say you should seek her, Flitwick, yes you.

Flitwick:         Squeak! Squeak!

Lockhart:       Yes you, Filius Flitwick, you!

Flitwick:         But--

Lockhart:       You!

Flitwick:         But--

Lockhart:       You!

Flitwick:         But...

                      Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart
                      I would fain go and seek the Heir of Slytherin double-quick,
                      But any Charm is not the proper kind of magic trick.
                      In deadly battle it will not suffice to "swish and flick".

McGonagall, Sprout, Hooch and Snape:
                      Swish and flick; swish and flick; it won't stop a sword stick!

Snape:            Well, Gilderoy Lockhart?

Lockhart:        Potions Master, leave me alone!

Snape:            Gilderoy Lockhart...

Lockhart:        Professor Snape, as eager as I am to lead
                      the charge, I have so many demands on my
                      time-- public appearances, photo shoots,
                      hair-dressing appointments-- that I'm
                      afraid I simply have no time...

Snape: (interrupting and speaking over Lockhart)
                      "I pounced, slammed him to the floor;
                      with one hand, I managed to hold him down.
                      With my other, I put my wand to his throat.
                      I then screwed up my remaining strength
                      And performed the immensely complex
                      Homorphus Charm. He let out a piteous
                      moan, the fur vanished. the fangs shrank,
                      and he turned back into a man. Simple,
                      yet effective-- and another village will
                      remember me forever as the hero who
                      delivered them from the monthly terror of
                      werewolf attacks." Gilderoy Lockhart,
                      "The Defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf",
                      from "Wanderings with Werewolves".
                      Magnificent!

                      I certainly remember you saying you were
                      sorry you hadn't had a chance at the
                      Monster before Hagrid was arrested, and
                      didn't you say that the whole affair had
                      been bungled, and that you should have
                      been given a free rein from the first?

Lockhart:       (trembling)
                      M-m-monster?

Snape:            Indeed!

Snape:            You must try, Gilderoy!

Lockhart:        I could die! (Bozhe moi!)*

Sprout:           Braggart!

Flitwick:         Laggard!

Hooch:           Blackguard!

McGonagall:   Awa' wi' ye, man!

Lockhart:        Potions Master, dear Potions Master,
                      Although a free rein for my efforts is long overdue,
                      The Heir of Slytherin I do believe I would subdue,
                      But there's a ton of correspondence that I should review.

McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick and Hooch:
                      Overdue; Overdue, his mail can't be late!

Snape:            Be Silent!

                      Mr. Lockhart, damn you, Mr Lockhart,
                      At cowardism and at fraud, you do connive.
                      Well, in spite of that into the Chamber you will dive.

McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch:
                      You will dive...

Snape:            I don't really care a fig if you do not survive!

McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch:
                      Not survive; not survive; You'll face the Monster yet!

(Gilderoy Lockhart leaves the Staff Room for his
office, ostensibly to prepare for his assault on the
Chamber of Secrets.)

*Russian for "my God!"

            ********************************

III. This is a parody of the song, "He Plays the Violin".

      She Reads the Crystal Ball
  (with apologies to Martha Jefferson,
   Benjamin Franklin and John Adams)

Scene: Professor Trelawney's Classroom. The place is
suffused by crimson light, the fire is roaring in the
hearth, and Lavender Brown is excitedly praising
Sybill Trelawney's virtues to Parvati Patil.

Lavender Brown:
                  Oh she rarely reads the tea leaves;
                  In teacups pink or blue.
                  Where most other methods might not,
                  This one always comes through.
                  So sooth she will aver;
                  Sundry visions seen through her
                  Inner Eye.

                  She reads the crystal ball,
                  A sphere not too large or too small.
                  And it glows, oh, it glows,
                  'Cause she knows what she knows.

                  Then she makes her prognostication
                  Proclaims to the Wizarding Nation.
                  "The future behold!"
                  O, O, O, O, Our fortunes are told.

Trelawney:
                  I read the crystal ball,
                  And I hear the spirit world call.
                  From the orb I absorb
                  Into my Inner Eye

                  The most mystical of vibrations.

                  Of what shall unfold.
                  O, O, O, O, your fortunes are told.

                  But then there was the time
                  There was neither reason or rhyme
                  When I tried; prophesied
                  Without fail, 'bout Wormtail.

                  In spite of my old prediliction
                  I made an accurate prediction.
                  I really can See!
                  O, O, O, O, Crystal Ball is for me.

(These last three lines are sung as a Round)

Lavender:   She reads the Crystal Ball.

Parvati:       She reads the Crystal Ball

Trelawney:  I read the Crystal Ball.

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IV. This is a parody of the song, "Cool, Cool Considerate Men".

              Cruel, Cruel, Incredulous Men
(with apologies to John Dickinson and to John Hancock)

Scene: In Albus Dumbledore's office, Harry Potter
looks into the Pensieve, and watches a scene from
years before. A trial of Death Eaters is in session.

Harry:          While inside the Pensieve I see
                    A Court of Wizards sitting far below me.
                    This looks bad, expressions mad
                    Little mercy to be had; everybody's sad.
                    And look! Dementors line the hall
                    Mr. Crouch is looking tall; it appears he's running all.

                    He shouts "They're guilty, all guilty!"

Jury:             They're guilty, all guilty!

Harry:          It's so cruel!

Crouch, Sr.: Come ye cruel, cruel incredulous men;
                    Let's put the Death Eaters all in Azkaban.

                    Henchman of Dolohov,
                    Karkaroff might get off.
                    Bagman too, I knew what he would do.
                    My accusation's true; He passed stuff to You-Know-Who.

                    I say they're guilty, all guilty!
                    Oh so verminous and filthy--Yes, be cruel!

                    Come ye cruel, cruel most critical set.
                    We must make sure each Death Eater pays his debt.
                    On the right, sit ye on the right;
                    Spectators on the left; jury on the right.

                    Let my son, because of what he's done,
                    My beloved son see no more of the sun.

Jury:             We say they're guilty, all guilty!
                    We must use all our ability to be cruel.

Dumbledore: You must look at this rationally.
                    It serves nothing to go off half-cocked, you see.
                    Azkaban is a most revolting plan
                    Dementors only can bring fear to Wizard- land.

                    You say "It's war and we must be strong."
                    I say that you do wrong.
                    You cruel, cruel men.

Crouch, Sr.: Dumbledore, you're a wizard of probity, one of us.
                    Why don't you join us in our noble quest?
                    Why do you persist in defending Severus Snape?
                    Merlin's beard! You don't even like him!

Dumbledore: That is true; he'a a really slimy git,
                    But still it isn't fit
                    To shove Severus in the pit.

Crouch, Sr.: But why, because of information
                    He gave to you, Dumbledore?
                    Be careful, sir! This tribunal may put
                    Both you, Dumbledore, and Snape in Azkaban.

Dumbledore: Why, sir? Is it our world that's dear,
                    Or your Ministry career?
                    Fortunately we have but a few men of
                    Probity among Wizardry without any mercy.

Crouch, Sr.: Well, perhaps not, but we wizards
                    Fearful of the Dark Mark
                    Would rather protect the Wizarding World
                    By imprisoning more, than be fooled
                    By showing mercy where we oughtn't.
                    And that is why we are sitting here

                    On the right, jury on the right;
                    Public on the left, while we stay to the right.
                    Rosier's cold; Rookwood was too bold;
                    Travers we now hold; the Lestranges never told.

                    I say they're guilty, all guilty.
                    I'll be damned if they remain free.

Dumbledore: You are cruel.

Jury:             We're the cruel, cruel incredulous men
                    Let's put the Death Eaters all in Azkaban.

                    Had enough, must be tough,
                    Really rough, of stern stuff.
                    Hearts are cold, manner bold,
                    Our position we will hold. We must do what we're told.

Jury, Crouch, Sr.,(and Dumbledore):
                    We (You) cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel,
                    Cruel, cruel men!

            ********************************

V. This is a parody of song by the same name, "The Egg".

                        The Egg
(with apologies to John Adams, Benjamin Franklin
                and Thomas Jefferson)

Scene: Hagrid's Hut. Hagrid grudgingly welcomes
Harry, Hermione and Ron. The windows are shut, and it
is boiling hot inside. The Trio berate Hagrid about
his new acquisition, a heavy black ovoid object.

Hagrid:      It was at the old Hog's head,
                 Ev'ry hand I laid down was a winner.

Ron:          You should have stayed in bed,
                 Or have baked your rock cakes for dinner.

Harry:       You should have known t'was no black stone
                 You carried home in your wagon.

Hermione: You had to see in the library
                 It was the egg of a dragon.

Harry:       Two wizards, a giant and a witch--

Hagrid:      Smart, brave, and always game
                 For any kind of fun

Hermione: But this job we shall shun
                 Giving dragons a good name.

Ron:          Name? What name?

Hagrid:       'E's Norbert! And I'm his dear old mummy!

The Trio:   We're waiting for the screech, screech screech
                 Of a dragon being born.

Hermione: Waiting for your house to burn
                 'Cause this stifling hut is made of wood and
                 Right by the Forbidden Forest.
                 You have the fireplace quite hot enough
                 To hatch that stone--

Hagrid:      Herm... but that's the egg!

The Trio:   You know that it's against our laws
                 For that horrifying monster
                 Made of scales, teeth and claws
                 Any longer to remain at Hogwarts
                 Right by the Forbidden Forest.

Ron:           Besides, you'll run out of chicken blood
                 To feed that beast
                 And brandy isn't cheap.

The Trio:   The dragon's going to have to go
                 From the grounds of Hogwarts now.
                 The Ministry will just say no
                 To your plan to raise a great huge dragon
                 No matter how "interesting".

Ron:           No matter how strong your mania
                 There's a dragon preserve in Romania
                 Where Charlie will give him a good home.

The Trio:   No matter how strong your mania
                 He has to go to Romania
                 Where Charlie will give him a good home!

            ********************************

VI. This is a parody of "Molasses to Rum to Slaves".

            The Rat Had Come Out To Play
           (with apologies to Edward Rutledge)

Scene: Sirius Black is in the Shrieking Shack, trying
to explain to Harry, Ron and Hermione that he is
innocent and why he has come to kill Peter Pettigrew,
a.k.a. "Wormtail".

The Rat had come out to play.
I had to make my escape.
Twelve years too long
To right that wrong;
But the Rat had come out to play.

Twelve years I rotted in prison,
Filthy with dirt and with grime.
It took a toll
On my immortal soul,
In Azkaban where I did hard time.
Who cares if it wasn't my crime?

Then Fudge came out to make his inspection.
He praised the Dementors. wink wink
Then I spied my foe short one toe
In that newspaper pic.

The Rat had come out to play.
'Twas in Egypt his luck went astray.
Welcome news to this Hound,
In the Prophet it was found
That the Rat had come out to play.

Thank Merlin I'm an Animagus
I turned into Padfoot that day.
To Hogsmeade I ran
Away from Azkaban.
And now Wormtail would be my prey.
My ex-friend, Peter Pettigrew, had come out to play.

Harry, you musn't think my erstwhile friend
Merely betrayed his trust as Secret-Keeper to your
parents. Oh, no sir! He not only subverted the
Fidelius Charm, he killed others in service to
You-Know-Who: unsuspecting persons on the street.
Explosions in the streets.
Killed them in the streets.
Destroyed them in the streets.

At the pre-arranged moment he said the Curse,
"Avada! Avada Kedavra!"
Come! Listen to Peter.
"Avada! Avada Kedavra!"
He had become a Death Eater!

Dead, all of them!
Hear the count now:
One wizard; Muggle Muggle Muggle.
Thirteen were dead!
One wizard; Muggle Muggle Muggle Muggle.
Two kinds of people were destroyed,
Both races: Non-Magical people; Wizarding people.
One wizard; Muggle Muggle Muggle.
Twelve Muggles dead!
Gas main blow; Left his toe-- No one was to know!
Muggle. Muggle. "Avada Kedavra!"

The Rat had come out to play.

(As we all know, Peter Pettigrew's life was spared by
Harry's mercy. To what end will become clear in due
time.)

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