As the FanFic Turns

Parts Fourteen Through Nineteen: The Snape-meister

Part Fourteen: In which Snape gets his groove on

Snape: (enters, looking menacing)

FanFic Writers: No, no, no, no, no! It's all wrong, Severus darling! Try it again!

Snape: (exits, grumbling)

FanFic Writers: Okay! From the top! One, Two, Three, Four!

(insert booty music here)

Snape: Wassup!

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably at the sight of Snape's pimp outfit) Where did I go wrong?

Snape: No worries, Jo baby! (winks)

FanFic Writers: Stop flirting with the author! Back to work!

Snape: Right. Okay... who's first?

Fangirls: Ooooh! Ooooh! Me! Me!

Snape: (signs autographs)

Fangirls: (much giggling and swooning)

FanFic Writers: SEVERUS! BACK TO WORK!

Snape: Fine! Let's go!

Part Fifteen: In which Hogwarts meets the Snape-meister

Harry: Oh heavens... is that... SNAPE?

Fangirls: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: Out of the way! He's MINE!

Ron: WHAT?!?!?

FanFic Writers: Shut it, Weasley!

Ron: (cries like a little girl)

Hermione: Oh, Severus! Even though I am decades younger than you and our love is illegal in every civilized society, I cannot help myself! I must have you!

Snape: Oh, Miss Granger! Even though I insult and humiliate you every time I see you, I really am madly in love with you!

Hermione: Please, Severus darling! If we're going to have a disgusting and criminal relationship, you must call me Hermione!

Snape: Of course, you're right, Hermione dear! Forgive me!

Hermione: Always, Severus, my snuggle bunny!

Harry and Ron: (gagging noises)

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably) WHY ME? WHY? WHY?

FanFic Writers: (glare at JKR) Don't make us come over there!

Snape: (clears throat) Excuse me! You're interrupting our nauseating moment!

FanFic Writers: Sorry, Sevvy dear! Carry on!

Part Sixteen: In which the Snape-meister causes a cat fight

Pansy: I can't believe that ugly Mudblood got to Snape before I did! I won't stand for it!

Draco: You're so much prettier than she is, Pansy!

Ron: (giggles)

Draco: Shut up, Weasel!

Pansy: Anyway, back to me. I cannot let the Mudblood beat me! I must have Snape!

Draco: Er... okay.

Hermione: No! You cannot take my Severus away from me!

Pansy: Yes I will!

(insert cat fight here)

Harry and Ron: Woohoo!

Snape: Either way, I win!

Ginny: Hey, big boy.

Snape: Ooooh, another illegal and horrifying prospect. Whadya say, doll face?

Ginny: Sure, why not?

Ron: STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER, YOU FREAK!

Snape: (evil laughter)

JKR: (more sobbing)

Hermione and Pansy: NO! HE'S MINE!

Ginny: Not anymore!

Snape: Ladies! Ladies! No need to fight! We can all be happy together!

Ron: Dude, too far.

JKR: I think I'm going to be sick.

FanFic Writers: Pipe down!

Me: Er... need I remind you that this is only a PG-13 fic?

FanFic Writers: Oh, right. Sorry.

Part Seventeen: In which the Snape-meister goes for an older woman

Snape: Ladies, it's been fun. But I've decided that I need a woman who's more mature.

Ginny: Are you kidding me?

Hermione: No way! I gave you the best years of my life!

Pansy: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

McGonagall: Hello, Severus!

Snape: Minerva! Perfect! You're about forty years older than I am, but we're both professors, so we must be in love!

McGonagall: Of course! Why didn't I see it before? Everyone who works together must have a love affair!

(much snogging)

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!

JKR: Where did I go wrong?

Part Eighteen: In which the Snape-meister travels back in time

Snape: Sorry, Minerva dear, but I must revisit a lost love! (hops into his time machine)

JKR: Er... you know that we do have Time-Turners, right?

FanFic Writers: Shut it, Jo! The time machine is sexy!

JKR: (sighs)

(silly time machine noises)

Snape, circa 1969: I'm back!

James: You've got to be kidding me.

Sirius: WHAT are you wearing?

Snape: It's a new image.

Remus: Cool time machine.

Lily: Severus?

Snape: Lily! Even though I am a greasy slimeball who is engrossed in the Dark Arts and you are a sweet girl who is in love with that stupid Potter, we must run away together!

Lily: Okay!

James: WHAT?!?!?!

Snape: Mwahaha! At last she is MINE!

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably)

Snape: How did you get here?

JKR: Time-Turners go faster.

FanFic Writers: But time machines are sexier!

Lily: Er... anyway...

Snape: Right - back to the snogging!

Future Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Snape: You're right. This is odd. We must go... BACK TO THE FUTURE!

Christopher Lloyd: Where's my flux capacitor?

Snape: (giggles) It's mine! Let's go, Lily!

Lily: Er... I think that would SERIOUSLY mess things up...

Snape: (stomps his foot) Fine! Be that way! (hops back in his time machine)

(more silly time machine noises)

Snape: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back!

Fangirls: Hooray!

Part Nineteen: In which the Snape-meister goes all out

FanFic Writers: Alright! Let's get down to business!

Snape: Who's next?

FanFic Writers: (whisper amongst themselves)

Snape: (bounces up and down) Who? Who? Who?

JKR: How about no one?

FanFic Writers: (glare at Jo) OR... how about...

Everyone: ME!!!!

Snape: Alriiiiiiiiiiight!

(much snogging all about)

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably) This is a children's book for the love of Merlin!

(more snogging and giggling)

Me: Alright, break it up! Break it up!

Snape and his many loves: (grumbling)

JKR: (teary eyed) Thank you! Thank you!

FanFic Writers: (sharpening their knives)

Me: Don't get too comfy, Jo - more is coming in the next installment...

JKR: No! Please! No more!

FanFic Writers: Oooooh! More ways to torture the author? Really?

Me: Sure! Why not? Tune in next time to see many unconventional relationships begin and end and fly all about!