As the FanFic Turns

Parts Twenty Through Twenty-Seven: The Unconventionals

Part Twenty: In which some very odd things occur in a sad attempt at an introduction

Harry: Wow, a new installment! Can I have some good lovin' this time around?

Me: Er, Harry? You're overstepping the author/character boundaries.

Harry: Meep! Sorry!

Hermione: He does that a lot. You'll get used to it.

Harry: ...

Ron: Wheeeeee!

Fangirls: Squeeee!

Ron: (giggles)

JKR: Not again...

FanFic Writers: Mwahahahaha! Here we come! Beware the unconventional ships!

Me: You might want to go hide in a corner for this one, Jo.

JKR: Good idea. (runs away in terror)

Part Twenty-One: In which Hermione meets the Weasleys

Hermione: Since some people just can't accept that Ron and I are meant to be, I must be paired together with every other member of his family!

FanFic Writers: Let's start from the top!

Bill: That's me!

Fangirls: Squeee! He's so smart!

Bill: (winks)

Fangirls: (swoon)

Hermione: Love the ponytail!

Bill: Thanks, so do I! (preens)

Molly: (chases after Bill with scissors)

Bill: (screams like a little girl)

Hermione: Er... next?

Charlie: (shows off his bulging muscles)

Fangirls: (much swooning and giggling)

Charlie: Wanna snog?

Fangirls: YES! YES! YES!

Hermione: Er, I think he meant me.

Charlie: Either.

Hermione: Hmmm...

Fangirls: Squeeee!

Hermione: Shut up already!

Fangirls: (polish their knives)

Charlie: I'm confused.

Hermione: Oh for the love of... get over here. (much snogging)

FanFic Writers: Okay, enough of that. We're bored with this ship already. PERCY! GET YOUR LAZY-

Percy: Okay! I'm here! Sheesh. Cauldron bottoms are difficult work, you know!

FanFic Writers: Shut it, four-eyes!

Percy: (grumbles)

Hermione: Him? Really?

FanFic Writers: But you're both so smart and bookish! You're perfect for each other!

Hermione: Riiiiiight. Because all intelligent people should automatically mate.

FanFic Writers: Exactly!

Hermione: (smacks head against wall)

Percy: Er... can we hurry this up? I'm a bit busy. Cauldron bottoms, you know...

Hermione: Yeah, we know, we know.

FanFic Writers: So get to it already!

Hermione and Percy: (snog halfheartedly)

FanFic Writers: Good enough. Next!

Fred and George: Er, which one of us?

FanFic Writers: Good question... hmmm... threesome!

JKR: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

FanFic Writers: (shove JKR in a closet)

Hermione: Yikes.

Fred and George: Er, we may be a bit off our rockers, but this is a bit too unconventional, even for us.

Hermione: Ditto.

FanFic Writers: Fine then. Sheesh. Who's next?

Hermione: Ron!

JKR: FINALLY!

FanFic Writers: Need we remind you that this installment is about the unconventional ships? Pay attention!

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably)

FanFic Writers: GINEVRA!

JKR: At least they got her name right.

Ginny: What do you want?

FanFic Writers: Your turn!

Hermione: Er, didn't we cover this one in the slash installment?

FanFic Writers: .... We can't remember.

Ginny: Wow.

Hermione: Guess their brains got overloaded.

Ginny: Doesn't take much.

Part Twenty-Two: In which the Writers go a little overboard

Hermione: Okay, if you won't let me get with the only Weasley I'm supposed to be with...

JKR: Amen, sister.

Hermione: What am I supposed to do now?

FanFic Writers: Well, we need you to sign this waiver...

Hermione: Huh?

FanFic Writers: Er, can we have your autograph?

Hermione: Sure! (signs mysterious legal paper)

FanFic Writers: Mwahahahaha! Now we've got her! We can do whatever we want!

Hermione: Dangit!

FanFic Writers: Bring on the men! REMUS!

Remus: What?

FanFic Writers: We need you to have an illegal affair with Hermione!

Remus: Er... why?

FanFic Writers: Because it's just so romantic!

Remus: It is? I thought it was weird.

FanFic Writers: No, stupid! It's romantic because you're both smart and even though you're a teacher and she's a student...

Hermione: ILLEGAL.

FanFic Writers: (glare) It's a clandestine affair! Sooooo romantic!

Remus: Oh for the love of Merlin.

Hermione: Should we just get it over with so they'll shut up?

Remus: Sure.

(much snogging)

JKR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

FanFic Writers: (lock JKR in the closet) Next!

Hermione: You can't be serious...

FanFic Writers: No, but HE IS!

Hermione: What?

Sirius: What?

Fangirls: Squeeee!

Hermione: I thought you were... (insert spoiler here for those idiots who still haven't read OotP)

Sirius: That doesn't matter. FanFics transcend time and space.

Hermione: Good point. Let's get to it then.

(more snogging)

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably)

FanFic Writers: Pipe down in there!

Ron: (giggles)

Part Twenty-Three: In which Harry gets some action... or not

Harry: (sulks)

JKR: Psssst! Harry! Over here!

Harry: Huh?

JKR: You can escape now! It's not too late!

FanFic Writers: Heyyyy... didn't we shove you in a closet?

JKR: (whistles)

Harry: I'm confused.

Ron: (giggles)

Harry: Back to me.

FanFic Writers: Well, since you've failed in every NORMAL relationship we've put you with...

JKR: (gags)

FanFic Writers: (glare) We'll just put you with some other available woman!

Harry: And that would be...

FanFic Writers: MCGONAGALL!

Harry: (screams)

McGonagall: Oh, good gravy. Can we say, 'illegal'?

FanFic Writers: Shut it, catwoman. We're in charge here.

JKR: (faints)

Harry: ...

FanFic Writers: She'll be fine. Back on topic.

Harry: I don't think I can...

McGonagall: This is just so wrong.

Harry: Let's call this off.

McGonagall: Deal.

FanFic Writers: Curses! Foiled again!

Ron: (giggles)

Harry: Come on, I know you can do better than this...

FanFic Writers: Alright then, how about... MYRTLE!

Myrtle: (giggles)

Harry: Er... you know she's dead, right?

FanFic Writer: So?

Harry: (sighs)

Myrtle: (giggles)

Harry: (cries)

FanFic Writers: Stop being such a baby, Potter!

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: (smacks Ron) Shut up!

Ron: (sulks)

Harry: Can you please try again?

FanFic Writers: Fine. Susan Bones?

Harry: Fine. Even though we have only spoken once that I can recall...

Susan: Was I even talking to you that time?

FanFic Writers: Yes, you were!

Susan: Who are they?

Harry: Minions from hell. Just ignore them.

Susan: Okay. So...

Harry: Yeah. Let's just get on with it, then.

(much snogging)

FanFic Writers: This is dull. Who's next?

Harry: No! No more! I'm going insane!

FanFic Writers: (sharpen their knives)

Harry: Oooooookay. Next?

Lavender Brown: Even though I'm silly and giggly, I'm one of the only other Gryffindor girls in your year! We're perfect for each other!

Harry: Er... okay. Snogging?

FanFic Writers: You bet!

Lavender: Whatever. (giggles)

(much snogging)

FanFic Writers: We're bored.

Harry: NO MORE! I REFUSE! AAAAARRRGGGHHH! (runs away)

FanFic Writers: ....

JKR: That's my boy.

Part Twenty-Four: In which Ron gets bored and does some unsurprisingly stupid things

Ron: I'm bored. Maybe I should do some stupid things.

Hermione: (sighs) Let's work on that originality, Ronald.

Ron: Huh?

Hermione: Never mind.

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (runs away)

Ron: Now I'm all alone. What should I do?

JKR: Psssst! Ron!

Ron: Oooh, I'm hearing voices! Maybe I'm a parselmouth! Cool! (giggles)

JKR: No, you moron! Over here!

Ron: Oh. You look familiar.

JKR: (sighs) Cute but dumb.

Ron: Huh?

JKR: It's not too late to escape! Harry's already crossed over to this side!

Ron: (waves) Hi, Harry!

Harry: I see what you mean.

JKR: Yeah.

FanFic Writers: SECURITY!

JKR: Eek! (runs away)

Ron: (giggles) Security. Heehee... Ooooh, matches!

Hannah Abbott: Hey, Ron.

Ron: Who are you?

Hannah: Er, Hannah Abbott. Hufflepuff.

Ron: If you say so. Wanna play with matches?

Hannah: Not really. Matches are dangerous.

Ron: No they're not! (sets Hannah on fire) Oops.

JKR: (looks at Hannah's roasted body) Hmm. Too bad.

Seren: YES! VICTORY!

JKR: Who are you?

Seren: Never mind.

Ron: (giggles) Am I in trouble?

JKR: (sighs) No. Not really. Just run fast before those FanFic Writers get back.

Ron: Okay! (runs like a little girl)

Part Twenty-Five: In which the Writers have a panic attack and go a little crazy

FanFic Writers: Since Harry and Hermione are hiding somewhere, and Ron is caught in a fit of silliness...

Ron: (giggles)

FanFic Writers: We need some more ships!

Luna: (meanders in) Hello.

FanFic Writers: Ack! An interesting, in-depth character that scares us on the surface! We're uncomfortable with what we don't understand!

Luna: Hmmm? What was that?

FanFic Writers: Eeeek! Quick! Shove her into a ship to get her out of our hair!

Luna: (smiles dreamily)

Ron: (giggles)

FanFic Writers: CREEVEY!!!

Colin: You shouted?

FanFic Writers: Hurry up and snog Luna so we don't have to analyze her character too much!

Colin: ...

Ron: (giggles)

Colin: Alright, then.

(much snogging)

FanFic Writers: (sigh) That was close.

Colin: Am I done now?

FanFic Writers: Yep. Send in your brother. We have plans for him.

Dennis: Hi!

Luna: Who are you?

Dennis: Who are you?

Luna: (smiles dreamily)

Dennis: (squeaks)

FanFic Writers: Hmmm... maybe not. We need new blood.

Dean: What's up?

FanFic Writers: Mwahahahaha!

Dean: Meep!

FanFic Writers: Here, have a crown!

Dean: Huh?

JKR: Oh for the love of...

FanFic Writers: (light their flame throwers)

JKR: Eek!

Dean: So....

FanFic Writers: We like you, but we're not sure what to do with you... RANDOM CHARACTER!

Orla Quirke: Yes?

FanFic Writers: Go snog Dean!

Dean: (blushes)

Orla: Who?

FanFic Writers: Prince-boy over there!

Orla: Ah. Okay. He's cute!

(much snogging)

HMS Royal Roots: HOORAY!

FanFic Writers: Bored again.

JKR: Shocker.

Part Twenty-Six: In which Draco snarks about and Blaise spazzes out

Draco: (enters snarkily)

Fangirls: Squeeeee!

Ron: (giggles)

FanFic Writers: Aha! A new victim!

Draco: (preens)

Fangirls: (swoon)

Draco: I'm so cool.

FanFic Writers: Yeah. So anyway... want to be our next victim?

Draco: Sure. Whatever.

FanFic Writers: LAVENDER!

Lavender: Here!

FanFic Writers: Since you and Harry didn't last, we will put you with his arch enemy!

Lavender: Why me?

FanFic Writers: Because you're silly and giggly but we think you must have more depth on the inside.

Lavender: Me?

Draco: I'm confused. Who are you?

Lavender: (giggles) You're cute.

Draco: (winks) I know.

Parvati: What about me?

Draco: Okay, you're cute too.

Parvati: Er... that's not what I meant.

Draco: (winks) Whatever, doll face.

Parvati: ...

FanFic Writers: Threesome?

Draco: Cool.

Lavender: (giggles)

Parvati: Whatever.

Draco: (snarks about)

Fangirls: We still don't know what 'snark' means, but Draco is such a dreamboat! Squeeee!

Draco: (preens)

JKR: (cries)

FanFic Writers: Uh... right. So...

Draco: Yep.

Lavender: (giggles)

FanFic Writers: We're confused.

Parvati: Me too.

Blaise: What about me?

FanFic Writers: What about you?

Blaise: I'm a random character! I want some action!

Draco: Heyyyy, sexy lady.

Blaise: I'M A GUY!!! GOOD GRAVY, ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MORON?

Draco: (winks)

Lavender: (giggles)

Blaise: (smacks head against wall)

FanFic Writers: Just go with it, darling.

Blaise: NOOOO! I REFUSE! I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN!

Ginny: How about me?

Blaise: Ooooh, unconventional! I love it! (snogs Ginny)

FanFic Writers: Woohoo!

Draco: What about me?

Lavender: (giggles) Still got me!

Draco: Cool. (exits snarkily with Lavender)

Part Twenty-Seven: In which Hermione lays the smack down

JKR: Psssst! Ron!

Ron: (giggles) Hi!

Hermione: RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! GET YOUR LAZY BUTT OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!

Ron: Okay. (scampers)

JKR: You're good.

Hermione: Thanks.

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: Anyway, we need a plan.

JKR: Plan?

Hermione: For a coup. A mutiny. A revolution.

Ron: Sounds fun!

JKR: ...

Hermione: Right. First step - weapons.

JKR: Flame throwers?

Hermione: Good idea. Machetes?

JKR: Yep! Bazookas?

Hermione: Of course!

Ron: Matches?

JKR: No, Ronald dear. You're not allowed to play with matches anymore.

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: ...

JKR: ...

Hermione: Let's give him some matches.

JKR: Yeah.

Ron: Yay!

FanFic Writers: What's going on over there?

Hermione: Nothing! Go back to torturing poor innocent characters!

FanFic Writers: Okay!

JKR: Ready?

Hermione: Ready.

Ron: (giggles) Matches!

Hermione: GO!

(much smacking and kicking)

FanFic Writers: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Hermione: Mwahahahahahaha!

JKR: TAKE THAT, EVIL MINIONS!

FanFic Writers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ron: Matches! (giggles) Fire! Er... Oops.

FanFic Writers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(much mutiny and coup and revolution)

FanFic Writers: Okay! Okay! We give up! We surrender!

JKR: VICTORY!

Hermione: Hand over that waiver!

FanFic Writers: (grumble)

Hermione: NOW!

FanFic Writers: Alright! Fine!

Hermione: Thank you. Now, you must promise to leave us alone and let us make our own relationships!

FanFic Writers: But where's the fun in that?

Hermione: (sharpens her knives)

FanFic Writers: (grumble)

JKR: This is insane. They're never going to listen.

Hermione: (sighs) You're right. But there must be a way...

JKR: I have an idea!

JKR's Lawyers: (enter snarkily)

Draco: Hey! That's my job!

JKR's Lawyers: Can you prove that?

Draco: No.

JKR's Lawyers: Then get out of here, punk.

Fangirls: Hey! Don't talk to our Drakey-poo like that!

JKR's Lawyers: (use large and confusing words)

Fangirls: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! (run away)

Hermione: Wow.

JKR: I know. Aren't they great?

Hermione: Yeah.

JKR's Lawyers: Back to business.

FanFic Writers: (look scared)

JKR's Lawyers: Ever heard of a disclaimer?

FanFic Writers: ...

JKR's Lawyers: Right. Well, if you always say that none of your silly writings actually belong to you and they all belong to Ms. Rowling...

FanFic Writers: ...

JKR's Lawyers: We won't sue you into the next century.

FanFic Writers: ...

Hermione: Well?

FanFic Writers: Okay.

JKR's Lawyers: Sign here.

FanFic Writers: (sign) Dangit.

JKR: FINALLY I GET SOME PEACE!

Ron: (giggles) Did she say pee?

Hermione: (smacks Ron) No, stupid! Peace! Peace!

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: (rolls eyes) Anyway, what about me?

JKR: Er... sorry, dear. You're on your own.

Hermione: (sulks) Fine!

Harry: (comes out of hiding) What did I miss?

Hermione: Never mind.

Ron: (giggles)

Hermione: (sighs) Oh well. I guess that's how the FanFic turns.

FIN