As the FanFic Turns

Parts Nine Through Thirteen: The Slash

Part Nine: In which Harry tries something different

Harry: I'm tired of being with all these girls who just want to fawn over me!

Draco: I hate you, Potter.

Harry: Perfect! You're the complete opposite of all those girls!

Draco: Ugh, let's hope so.

Harry: Let's hook up, Malfoy!

Draco: As long as you don't expect any swooning.

FanFic Writers: You'll swoon if we tell you to swoon, boy!

Draco: You're so pushy... fine. (swoons)

FanFic Writers: That's more like it!

Harry: The man of my dreams!

Part Ten: In which Draco moves on

Draco: This isn't working for me anymore, Potter.

Harry: What are you saying? Don't you love me anymore?

Draco: Er... no.

Fan girls: Yay! Now he's all ours!

Harry: Keep out of this, crazy girls!

Draco: So, er, yeah... I'm moving on, Potter.

Harry: Fine! Be that way! I'll go find another man who'll worship me!

Colin: Oooh! Oooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Harry: Er... okay. Why not?

Colin: (worships Harry)

Harry: (mumbles) This is gonna get old.

Colin: What?

Harry: Never mind.

Draco: Ugh. Better you than me, Potter.

Harry: Shut it, Malfoy. You'll miss me and you know it!

Draco: Don't count on that. I've already found someone else!

Harry: Who?

Draco: Gender-neutral Blaise Zabini!

Blaise: Hey! I'm a guy! I promise! JKR said so!

FanFic Writers: You'll be whatever gender we want you to be!

Blaise: (grumbles)

Harry: (eyes Blaise) Er, okay, Malfoy... but are you sure he's a guy?

Draco: I think so... who cares?

Blaise: I do!

FanFic Writers: Shut up, Zabini!

Part Eleven: In which some very odd things occur

Draco: I like that I'm the main character in this relationship, Zabini.

Blaise: (grumbles) I'll be having a word with JKR about this.

Draco: You whine too much, Zabini. You're too much of a girl.

Blaise: FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, I'M A GUY!

FanFic Writers: (sharpen their swords)

Blaise: Er... or a girl, whatever.

FanFic Writers: You got that right.

Draco: So anyway, I'm dumping you.

Blaise: For who?

Draco: For my faithful sidekick, Crabbe.

Crabbe: Duh... uh... yeah... uh...

Draco: He's so charming, isn't he?

Blaise: (gags) Sure, whatever.

Crabbe: Uh... yeah... giggle... duh... heh heh.

Goyle: No way, dude! You can't have Crabbe! He's mine!

Crabbe: Oh yeah... heh heh.

Draco: Noooo! Curses upon you!

Crabbe and Goyle: (skip off, arm in arm)

Blaise: Mwahahaha! Now you're all alone, Malfoy! Serves you right!

FanFic Writers: No he's not! We just need to find someone else to pair him with!

Draco: Well, hurry up already! I've been single for ten seconds and I don't like it one bit!

FanFic Writers: Alright, alright, hold on... aha! Yes! Your new lover will be... (drum roll) Snape!

Snape: Wait a minute! I'm not supposed to appear until the next installment!

FanFic Writers: Oh yeah... hang on then... er... how about Hagrid?

Hagrid: Don't make me send Grawp to beat the crap out of you!

Draco: Ugh.

FanFic Writers: Okay... how about... Ron?

Part Twelve: In which Hermione goes mental and Draco gets a black eye

Draco: Ron? Really? Do you think that will work?

FanFic Writers: It will work if we say it will work!

Draco: Oh, right. I forgot. Sorry.

Ron: Hermione, I'm sorry, but the Almighty FanFic Writers have decreed that I must be with Draco instead of you.

Hermione: WHAT???? I SPENT ALL THESE YEARS WAITING FOR YOU TO GET A CLUE AND THIS IS WHAT I GET??????

Ron: Yikes.

JKR: (sobs uncontrollably) All my hard work, down the toilet!

FanFic Writers: (hand JKR a tissue) Don't worry, we're in control.

JKR: (sobs harder)

Ron: So, er... anyway, Hermione, I've got to dump you. They'll kill me if I don't.

Hermione: Fine. Be their little minion! Be a mindless drone! See if I care! I'll go find someone else who will appreciate me!

Ron: Oh good, as long as you're happy! (grins stupidly)

Hermione: You're such a moron.

Ginny: Now that Draco has dumped me for his many man-lovers, I must retaliate! Hey, Hermione! Wanna hook up?

Hermione: Aha! Vengeance is mine! Take this, Ronald! (snogs Ginny)

Ron: Yikes.

FanFic Writers: Come on, Ron! Get on with it already!

Ron: Oh, right. (snogs Draco)

Hermione: NOOOO! IT DIDN'T WORK! ARGH!!!!!

Draco: Ha ha, Mudblood! The Weasel is MINE!!!!

Hermione: Oh, no he isn't! (punches Draco)

Draco: (cries like a little girl) You hurt me!

Hermione: Don't mess with a pissed off girl!

Ron: Yikes. (runs away)

Part Thirteen: In which everyone almost comes to their senses

Draco: My head hurts.

Hermione: Stop whining, you stupid git.

Ron: Oh, my poor Draco!

Ginny: This is so weird.

Hermione: I agree. Won't you come back to me, Ronald dear?

JKR: Yes! Yes!

FanFic Writers: Pipe down! We're writing the story here!

JKR: (sobs some more)

Harry: Oh, go on, Ron. Hermione is better for you than Draco anyway.

Ron: I suppose so.

R/Hr Shippers: Hooray!

JKR: Finally!

Hermione: (snogs Ron)

Draco: Now what? I need to be in a relationship with someone, anyone!

Colin: Oooh! Oooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Draco: What? I thought you were with Harry?

Harry: No way, I ditched him weeks ago. I'm single again.

FanFic Writers: Pay attention, Malfoy!

Draco: Sorry. My mistake.

Colin: So, how about it?

Draco: Er... well...

FanFic Writers: WAIT! We have a great idea! (whisper amongst themselves)

Harry: Er, don't we get to hear the plan?

FanFic Writers: Don't you want to be surprised?

Ron: Not really.

FanFic Writers: Okay, then. Our next installment will feature every major character getting together with... (drum roll) SNAPE!

Everyone: SNAPE????

Snape: Why do you sound so surprised? I'm quite a guy! A pretty decent cook, not to mention one heckuva dancer!

FanFic Writers: Save it for next time, Snapey-poo!

Snape: (giggles and blushes) If you say so!

FanFic Writers: We do!

Me: And the plot thickens! Who will Snape choose from his many lovers? Will it be Harry? Hermione? Gender-neutral Blaise?

Blaise: I'M A GUY!

Me: Right. Ahem, as I was saying... tune in next time to see the many loves of Severus Snape!