As the FanFic Turns

Parts One through Eight: The Classics

Part One: In which the insanity begins

Harry: Hey, Hermione, wanna go out with me?

Hermione: Sure, I've got no better prospects since a certain redhead is completely clueless.

Harry: Great. I'm just using you as a rebound relationship after Cho anyway.

Cho: Hey! Don't I have a say in this?

H/Hr Shippers: No! Go away evil Ravenclaw!

Cho: *stomps off angrily*

Marietta: *glares at Harry*

Part Two: In which the truth comes out

Harry: Hey, Ron, I just thought you should know that I'm dating Hermione now.

Ron: WHAT???

Harry: Well, it's just so convenient for us to be together.

H/Hr Shippers: Hey, don't give away our only piece of evidence!

Harry: Oh, sorry about that.

Ron: How could you do this to me, Harry? Don't you know that Hermione is supposed to be with me?

Hermione: Well if you had gotten off your stupid arse and asked me out first, we wouldn't have this problem!

Ron: Ack! My fear of rejection is overwhelming me! *runs away screaming*

Hermione: Why am I not surprised?

Part Three: In which Ronald gets desperate

Ron: *grumbling to himself*

Luna: Hello, Ronald.

Ron: Oh, hey, Luna. Have you heard the news?

Luna: About the crumpled snorkacks? Who hasn't?

Ron: Er... right.

Luna: *looks around dreamily*

Ron: *gets an idea* Luna, I think we should go out together to spite Harry and Hermione. What do you say?

Luna: Sure, Ronald. Whatever you say.

Ron: *grins evilly*

Part Four: In which Harry and Hermione come to their senses

*One Week Later*

Hermione: Harry, I know our relationship is so very convenient, but this just feels weird. You're like a brother to me.

Harry: I know what you mean. You and I together is a bit like incest, isn't it?

Hermione: Er, yes. A bit revolting, don't you think?

Harry: Definitely. So let's break up.

Hermione: Good idea.

H/Hr Shippers: *much weeping and gnashing of teeth*

Harry: I guess now I need another girlfriend.

H/C Shippers: Cho! Cho! Cho! Cho!

Harry: Er... I learned my lesson the first time, thanks.

Ginny: How about me?

Harry: It's so cliché, and yet so perfect...

Ginny: I know! We're so obviously meant to be!

Harry: But wouldn't Ron get mad?

Ginny: Who cares? Let's get to the snogging already!

H/G Shippers: Hooray!

Part Five: In which good girls go for bad boys and vice versa

Ron: Mwahaha! It worked!

Luna: What worked?

Ron: Never mind.

Hermione: Now that I'm free of my incestuous relationship, I think I'll go against all that is good and holy and date the bad guy.

Draco: That's me!

Hermione: Good work, Sherlock.

Draco: *confused by the sarcasm* So, do you want to snog or not?

Hermione: Well, you've got to be better than some of the other relationships those crazy fanfic writers have put me in.

Draco: Wait a minute...

Ron: I can't believe this, Hermione! How can you pick that slimy git over me?

Hermione: We've discussed this before, Ronald. Get a clue.

Ron: *grumbles to himself* I need a better plan. Hey, Luna!

Luna: Yes, Ronald?

Ron: I'm dumping you so I can go out with Pansy Parkinson so I can spy on Draco and Hermione.

Pansy: Ew! No way!

Ron: Stop whining. It's just so we can break them up. Then you can have Draco and I can have Hermione.

Pansy: Oh, good point. Okay then.

Part Six: In which much spying and snogging occurs

Hermione: Our relationship is so forbidden and sneaky, Draco! Just like Romeo and Juliet!

Draco: Who?

Hermione: Never mind. Let's get back to snogging.

Draco: Yay!

JKR: *sobs uncontrollably*

Ron: *sobs uncontrollably*

Pansy: Oh, be quiet. We need to let them see us snogging so they will get jealous!

Ron: Er... okay. Hey Hermione! Over here! *snogs Pansy*

Hermione and Draco: Ew! Gross!

Ron: *throws up*

Pansy: That was just wrong. Never again.

Ron: Deal.

Draco: I've come to my senses, Hermione. I must follow my family's ways and marry Pansy because she is a pure-blood.

Hermione: Sure, whatever. Romeo and Juliet died in the end anyway.

Draco: Who?

Hermione: Never mind.

Part Seven: In which Harry changes his mind yet again

Harry: I know your brother supports our relationship, Ginny, but I think we need to move on.

Ginny: I agree. I've been with you longer than I've been with anyone else, so it must be time for me to see someone else.

Harry: How about Dean?

Ginny: Been there, done that.

Fanfic Writers: *whisper in Ginny's ear*

Ginny: Good idea! Oh, Draco! How about a nice little love triangle between you, me, and Pansy?

Draco: Works for me!

Pansy: No! I must have Draco all to myself! *sobs*

Ginny: *skips off with Draco*

Harry: *thinks* Who should I date now?

Fanfic Writers: *whisper in Harry's ear*

Harry: Sure, why not? Oi, Luna!

Luna: Yes?

Harry: Wanna go out with me?

Luna: *smiles dreamily*

Harry: Brilliant! Now I won't have to be alone for the rest of the series!

JKR: Assuming you live to the end, of course.

Fangirls: *gasp* No! Not Harry! You can't kill the hero!

JKR: I'm the author, I can do what I want.

Fangirls: *wailing and moaning*

JKR: *grins evilly*

Part Eight: In which Ron gets a clue

Ron: Even though I am a stupid boy and afraid of rejection, I can't stand it any longer!

Hermione: What are you on about?

Ron: I love you, Hermione!

Hermione: I love you too!

H/Hr Shippers: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Ron: *snogs Hermione*

R/Hr Shippers: IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!

Ron: Hey! Better late than never!

R/Hr Shippers: Just barely!

Hermione: I agree.

Ron: Hey!

Hermione: Oh, sorry. *snogs Ron*

H/Hr Shippers: It's just a clever ruse to throw us off! Harry and Hermione forever!

JKR: *shakes her head* Denial is such a sad thing.

H/Hr Shippers: *more weeping and gnashing of teeth*

JKR: Oh, get over it already. It's your own fault for ignoring canonical evidence.

R/Hr Shippers: Told you so!

Hermione: Er, do you mind? We're trying to have a moment here.

Ron: In other words, get out so we can get back to snogging!

H/Hr Shippers and R/Hr Shippers: Sorry!

JKR: Finally, everything is back to normal!

Fanfic Writers: That's what you think!

JKR: *sighs* I guess that's life in a fanfic for you.

Fanfic Writers: You got that right! Just leave it up to us!

JKR: *sobs uncontrollably*

Fanfic Writers: We rule the world! Mwahahahaha!

Me: What will happen to Ron and Hermione? Will Ginny and Draco really work out? Will JKR ever stop crying? Tune in next time and see! ;)