MacRon

MacRon

A humorous parody of Shakespeare´s Macbeth by Gromit

Act One

Act One Cast

MacRon- Gryffindor Prefect (Macbeth)

Living!Myrtle (1^st Witch)

Padma (2^nd Witch)

Lavender (3^rd Witch)

Harry Potter- Heir of Gryffindor (Duncan)

Colin Creevey- Favored by Harry (Malcolm, Duncan´s Son)

Dennis Creevey- Favored by Harry (Donaldbain, Duncan´s younger son)

Peeves the Poltergeist (Captain)

Dean Thomas- Not quite a prefect (Lennox)

Seamus Finnigan- Same as Dean (Ross)

Draco-(Macduff) (since he´s a prefect, he´s considered to not be an evil Slytherin)

Viktor Krum- Transferred to Hogwarts and mysteriously is still a student (Banquo)

Cho Chang- Still seems to be a 7^th year with Harry and Co. (Angus)

Hermione- Pretty much MacRon´s wife (Lady Macbeth)

Random House Elf (Attendant, Servant, etc.)

Scene One

(Director´s notes. Since this play deals with the supernatural, I decided to go beyond what´s natural for even the magic world. Myrtle is reincarnated or something and is in the true flesh...)

The Stall of Moaning Myrtle

Flickering lights and thunder is heard. The toilet flushes.

MYRTLE: When shall we meet again?

On Tuesday? Halloween? Or when the plumbing´s back in order?

PADMA:

When this whole mess is over.

When the match is lost, and won.

LAVENDER: That will be soon. I hope.

MYRTLE: Where will we meet?

PADMA: Outside the changing rooms of Gryffindor.

LAVENDER: We´ll meet MacRon then.

MYRTLE: I´m coming, Crookshanks.

PADMA: Trevor is croaking.

LAVENDER: I´m coming!

ALL: Fair is foul and foul is fair,

Hover through the fog and see bright red hair.

All Exit

Scene 2

Heir of Gryffindor Headquarters

Magical strings are playing. Enter Harry Potter, Heir of Gryffindor

with favored successors possibly, Colin and Dennis, with attending house elves, meeting Peeves.

HARRY: Why is HE here? You can tell us about the match!

COLIN: This is Peeves, he defended me from being hexed by the Slytherins.

I was taking great pictures for your 7^th year scrapbook and...it was pretty bad.

Thank you, odd poltergeist who usually has no concern for students.

Tell the Heir your knowledge of the match.

PEEVES: It was uncertain. Gryffindor 140, Slytherin 160.

The evil Goyle flew relentlessly with the aide of the Slytherin team.

The stands were rowdy and a fight almost broke out.

But then brave MacRon (you know, he´s only Gryffindor Seeker, because The Heir gets injured way too much for his own good in a Quidditch game) was on his ThunderBlizzBolt5003 and stole the show.

He held no mercy. Gryffindor got more points and the snitch was near!

HARRY: Great!

PEEVES: But THEN...Goyle was put out and a different Goyle emerged. It was someone under the use of the Polyjuice potion, most definitely. No one noticed except for a few of us. Slytherin gained more points and the snitch was no where to be seen!

HARRY: This didn´t harm MacRon or the new transferred Gryffindor student: Viktor? Did it?

PEEVES: Oh boy, were they ever a show. Viktor was quite the beater. Nearly taking Flint´s head off (Dir. Note: Marcus Flint had to repeat 7^th year a couple of times). Pulled a reverse-Wronskei Feint. Wow. It was something. All of the Slytherins were practically dead in the pitch. Had to get some reserves out even. But I´m just a weary poltergeist. I´m nearly dead again...oh the horror!

HARRY: Get him to the Infirmary! Hurry!

House Elves "carry" Peeves out. Enter Seamus and Cho (she´s allowed in the Gryffindor camp because Ravenclaw has an alliance with Gryffindor. PLUS, she is Cho Chang, 7^th year prefect)

Who enters?

COLIN: Worthy Prefect Seamus.

DEAN: He seems to have very strange news of the match!

SEAMUS: Oh dear...

HARRY: Where do you come from, good prefect?

SEAMUS: Um...from outside the Hufflepuff bathroom. There was some strange stuff going on there. There was traitorous actions going on. Ernie Macmillion, Head Boy, had concocted the Polyjuice potion so that Snape could act as Goyle for the Slytherin team. It´s horrible. I thought Hufflepuff was ours!

Fortunately, we did win the Quidditch match.

HARRY: It´s very fortunate.

SEAMUS: Slytherin wants peace now. BAH! We won´t show any sign of mercy until all of the dung bombs are safely put out of order within the halls near all of our common rooms.

HARRY: The Head Boy will not deceive any longer. We´ll kill him and allow MacRon to hold the position, as weird and illogical as that may seem, but this is a fan fic, so anything is possible.

SEAMUS: I´ll see that it happens.

HARRY: Ernie has lost, but MacRon has won!

Exit

.

Scene 3

Outside Gryffindor Locker Room

Thunder, and ominous sounding things. Enter three desperate girls

.

MYRTLE: Where have you been, Padma?

PADMA: Killing piggies.

LAVENDER: Where were you, Myrtle?

MYRTLE: Some Ravenclaw never threw the paper towels away in the bathroom.

I told her to throw them away, but she didn´t.

Well, come to find out, her boyfriend is a dragon keeper. I glued he and the dragon together for 567 days. And I have the dragon´s toenail too.

Locker slams are heard.

LAVENDER: A slam, a slam.

MacRon´s here, hotdamn!

ALL: Hand in hand, us desperate women are.

We go out and do things three times a lot.

Then three more.

Then three more to make nine! Egad, we´re great arithmacists!

Enter MacRon and Viktor

.

MACRON: It was a great day, but it was a bit on the rainy side.

VIKTOR: It won´t take long to the castle? I haven´t been here very long, being a transfer student. But I´m not from America!

Holy craughp! Vat are those things? They are giggly and very desperate looking. They don´t seem to be of Hogwarts. Their ratty hair and mustaches. But aren´t they feminine? I´m so confused.

MACRON: Talk to me, girls, if you can.

MYRTLE: Hail MacRon, prefect of Gryffindor!

PADMA: OOH! Ronnykins! Head Boy!

LAVENDER: MacRon, from now on, you´ll be Heir of Gryffindor.

VIKTOR: Um, why don´t I get to be anything cool? Are you for real?

You swoon over great Seeker MacRon, but what of me?

Come on, come on!

MYRTLE: Hail.

PADMA: Hail.

LAVENDER: Hail.

MYRTLE: Less than MacRon, but much greater.

PADMA: Unhappy, and HAPPIER!

LAVENDER: You´ll have baby Heirs, but you won´t be one.

So yay for MacRon and Viktor!

MYRTLE: Everyone loves MacRon and Viktor!

MACRON: Tell me more! I´m confused. I know I´m prefect, because I´m perfect and rich. But how can I be Head Boy?? Ernie is a great guy. Why must you tell these things to me? SPEAK!

Desperate Girls Disapparate.

VIKTOR: Where´d they go? How´d they do that?

MACRON: Into the air. They seemed like real silly fan girls.

VIKTOR: Do they speak the truth? Or are we smoking something?

MACRON: Your kids will be Heirs.

VIKTOR: You´re gonna be Heir.

MACRON: Plus Head Boy. They said that right?

VIKTOR: Yah.

Enter Seamus and Cho.

SEAMUS: The Heir has heard of your Quidditch success, MacRon. He is very happy. There has been a traitor in the politics of Hogwarts. Ernie, Head Boy, has betrayed Gryffindor. Since we´re the best house ever, you are to be the Head Boy, everyone loves you, MacRon.

CHO: Oooh, Ron. I like you now. Like everyone else.

SEAMUS: Yeah, you´re Head Boy, dude.

VIKTOR: The devil is right! The evil girlies are correct!

MACRON: Gah, how treasonous. That´s odd. Ernie was a great guy, really was. Ah well, he probably suffered from being underwritten about in Fan Fics and was clearly not characterized enough. Bah, he´s evil.

CHO: You´re the hots, Mac-a-RONNY! Ernie is going to die.

MACRON: This is cool. Really cool.

VIKTOR: Those desperate girls are evil, though. Be careful and don´t do anything evil...(hint, hint...this is a very subtle use of foreshadowing I´m using now)

MACRON: (aside) You know, I´ve been secretly plotting to kill Harry all along. I could say a really long Shakespearian monologue right now. But I´ve been having strange dreams and those witches are starting to speak more and more truth.

VIKTOR: Wow, you´re loony.

MACRON: But if I´m destined to be Heir, I don´t have to kill anyone, do I?

VIKTOR: Bah, yeah, you´re on something. I´m Bulgarian and I can even tell.

MACRON: Okay, I´m happy and things are looking fine for this forgotten Weasley. I may be something now. Prefects are overrated anyway. (aside) we´ll talk later, Viktor.

VIKTOR: Ok.

MACRON: Let´s go guys and PARTY!

They Exit.

SCENE 4

Harry´s grand chamber--Gryffindor Tower

Trumpety fanfare. Enter HARRY, SEAMUS, COLIN, DENNIS, and HOUSE ELVES

HARRY: Have they killed Ernie yet? Are the killers back?

COLIN: Ernie´s dead. I talked to one who saw him die. Ernie was repentant, strangely enough. He wanted you to stop...hehe...that worked out.

HARRY: `S hard to tell if a guy´s telling the truth though. He was a good man. Pity he pissed me off and helped Slytherin--didn´t do too much for them though.

Enter MACRON, VIKTOR, SEAMUS, and CHO.

Welcome, worthy MacRon. You do so much for Gryffindor. It´s wonderful to have you on my side. You truly are deserving.

MACRON: I´m truly honored.

HARRY: You will prosper. And you, great Viktor, are no less deserving. You are also are a wonderful asset to Gryffindor.

VIKTOR: ...what´s the catch?

HARRY: er...(nervous laugh)...ahem. Sons, admirers, prefects, Head Boys, I must announce who is to be the next Heir of Gryffindor, should anything happen to me. So I announce the eldest: COLIN! The prince of the Heir of Gryffindor (Dir. Note: Boy there sure are a lot of titles. The Heir is the most macho, the prince of heir is just a term for the next in line, Head Boy is the best of prefects, who are the lowest. Colin and Dennis have been favored greatly by Harry. MacRon is furious). Let´s celebrate at the Head Boy room!

MACRON: (putting on a show) Yeah, I´m really happy and honored (mumbles) bunch of BS (stops mumbling) I´ll go right now and Hermione and I will get the place ready.

HARRY: Great, Head Boy.

MACRON: [aside] Stupid bloody git of a Colin. He´s one other obstacle in order for me to be Heir! GRR! Exit

HARRY: And you Viktor, your praises must not go unnoticed. Come, let´s party!

Trumpety fanfare. All Exit.

SCENE 5

Head Boy Room

Lady MacRon (Hermione) Enters with an Owl Letter

.

HERM (Dir. Note. I don´t want to type Hermione or Lady MacRon (Hermione) a ton of times over and over and over again. So, we will just call her Herm)

(She reads) There weird things that the wyrd desperate girls have promised. I´m now Head Boy and I really want to kill Harry because I´m supposed to be Heir of Gryffindor according to them. Yeah, I´m the cocky dude with hubris. Go me!

Oh dear, my boyfriend´s a wuss. He´d never go through with this. I must call on evil spirits to do this. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Enter SWEATING, HEAVING HOUSE-ELF

What do you want prissy slave?

ELF: The Heir is coming tonight.

HERM: WHAT? I wasn´t prepared. I have to get my hair done and my teeth straightened and get some beds prepared, no doubt. You insane unworthy, unequal beast!

ELF: MacRon is coming too. Winky ran really fast to tell me this. Almost died.

HERM: WONDERFUL! This is great news [Exit Elf]. Oh yes, oh yes ohyesohyes! I´m the best. Evil come upon me so I won´t be so girly girlish. Viktor and Harry and my destined love, Ronnykins are all coming. Hehe...NO! I will be manly. Even more than freaky Galadriel in the Lord of the Rings movie. I will kill Harry.

Enter MACRON

Wonderful Prefect, worthy Head Boy. I´ve read your letter and I´m very happy that we can be so evil together. The final part is near...HEIR!

MACRON: My dearest love, Harry is coming tonight.

HERM: When will he leave?

MACRON: Probably tomorrow.

HERM: BAH! He won´t even see sunlight. I could babble on and on about this but let´s just say umm...yeah he´s gone tonight.

MACRON: We´ll talk later, honeybuns.

HERM: Don´t worry about a thing. Leave all of this to me.

All Exit

Scene 6

(only two more scenes in this ruddy act!)

Outside MacRon´s Bigoted Room

Music sounds. Enter Harry, Colin, Dennis, Viktor, Seamus, Dean, and Draco (exempt from the horrible inaccuracy that he´s indeed of enemy Slytherin territory. However, he IS a prefect so this backs up any logic that has been lost. Of course, one may argue that this whole thing drains any logic from any cautious reader. So, you might as well forget the inaccuracy and remember that this IS fan fiction, ANYTHING can happen

).

HARRY: There´s a nice smell to the room. I like how nice and pretty it looks.

VIKTOR: And isn´t it ironic that it won´t be all pretty and such later tonight...(I´m good at this foreshadow/irony business)

HARRY: Jiggawhat?

VIKTOR: Oh, nothing. It´s Bulgarian mumbo jumbo that I´m talking about. But yes, this room is very nice and beautiful.

Enter HERMIONE

.

HARRY: Here´s the honored hostess (I love twinkies...yumm). Thank you for all the trouble you took to set everything up on such short notice.

HERM: It´s no trouble. I just whipped the Elves a couple of times and things worked out all right.

HARRY: Where´s our noble Head Boy? We chased after him toward the castle, but he´s too quick for an old geezer like me. Give me a hand, and let´s meet the great Head Boy, MacRon.

All Exit.

Scene 7

MacRon´s Room. Near the entrance where Harry´s indefinitely hitting on Hermione.

MACRON: I´m such a loser. I mean, the consequences of killing the HEIR OF GRYFFINDOR are innumerable. You don´t kill a guest, it´s wrong to kill the heir, it´s wrong to kill, I´m going to hell, I´m a pile of poop because of it. People will think it´s okay to start killing anyone they want and the whole castle will be filled with bloody idiots (Dir´s Note: It´s a bit of a pun...bloody idoits...take it literally and you´ll see what I mean...hahah, I thought it was funny too. But I think the appeal has been lost due to the lengthy note about the punnage I´ve done.)

Enter HERM-OH-MY-NINNY-KNEE!

Whasssup?

HERM: He´s almost done eating. Why aren´t you out here? You´re killing me, man. I´ve had to start telling those awful Niffler jokes. They´re a bit off-color and I dunno...

MACRON: Harry´s asking for me?

HERM: Yeah!

MACRON: We´re not killing him. He´s honored me. If this is meant to be for me to be Heir, it will happen without me murdering him.

HERM: You sissy woman! I really hope you´re drunk right now. Otherwise, you´re acting just as I suspected.

MACRON: Nah, I´m serious. Come on, this is really not appropriate.

HERM: Foolishness. I would kill my own child before I break a promise to kill the Heir. I put drugs in his bodyguards--Crabbe and Goyle. They´re inept anyway, so it won´t be hard. (Dir. Note: Forget the fact that they are Slytherins as well...this will make things much more feasible)

MACRON: Oooh. Good plan!

HERM: Be casual about this. We´re completely innocent. The Heir is ours!

Exit.