Woe is Dudley

Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday, which should have been a good thing and WOULD have been a good thing if it weren't for that stupid four-eyed bugger, Harry, (and if I had gotten more presents... I only got HALF the things on the list I gave mum for this year, I mean she KNEW what I wanted !!!). We were forced to take him to the zoo (Pier's came too... I like Piers, he reminds me of myself and if he ever gets too annoying all I have to do is punch him and he stops) because the stupid hag down the street couldn't take him (she broke her leg, I hate her, mum says she's not normal). And not only did he come (which means he rode in the new car, dad's going to have to clean it now) and spoil the party with his mere presence, he tried to kill me too!!! This time I really mean it! That ungrateful, smelly, inbred sicced a HUGE snake on me!!! I swear, it was hideous... and slimy...and green... and HE WAS TALKING TO IT!!!! Just him and the snake, hissing like old friends, that Is exactly what I saw when I walked over to them. AND THE THAT WITCH MADE THE GLASS DISAPPEAR!!! The next thing I knew, it (the snake, not Harry) had sprung out and I was locked in a life or death battle with the hideous reptile (who was all this while being egged on by Harry's hissing). It was strong and fast and deadly, but I dodged its every attack and fought it like a chap! And finally, with a GIANT snap of its HUGE, dripping fangs (it went right for my head!!!) it gave up and tried to snap Pier's leg off (it thankfully missed). Then it slithered away leaving my vicious, murderous cousin in defeat and BIG TROUBLE, because two seconds later mum and dad showed up.

Needless to say, I told them all about Harry's murderous intentions, he's in his cupboard right now. I personally think that is a weak punishment for murder and they should have called the police to arrest him (I mean if I tried murder, the cupboard penalty would be fine ... But they hate Harry!!... Let's get rid of him, Piers could be a witness...), but, they didn't and I am now doomed from this day forward to live in constant fear for my young life. I mean ,Harry's got it in for me, and it's not like this will be the end of his attempts. No, he'll keep trying, until he finally kills me, and then everyone will feel bad about not locking him away while they had the chance.

Signed

Dudley

P.S.

If he kills me before tomorrow, I'd like all of my belongings to be buried with me ( I don't know of anybody who I like enough to give them to, except maybe Piers... I'll give my turtle to Piers... and maybe my computer... no, I don't like him that much)

AND FINIS