A Chance You Only Get Once

Chapter Twenty Four
A World As Fragile As Glass

"YEEEAAAAHHHHH!" Lily shrieked loudly enough to be heard in the waiting room outside the maternity ward. She was probably doing it right in James's ear, just to punish him for his part in her suffering. The shriek was loud and shrill enough to shatter glass. Sirius even imagined that it made the windows all over the hospital a little nervous.

"Lily's a tough girl, Padfoot," Remus said reassuringly when he saw the look on his face. Sirius didn't think that Remus looked exactly relaxed himself, however.

"That was the loudest one yet," Sirius said nervously, rising to his feet. The state of Lily Potter's tumultuous thirty-six hour labor was not the only heavy concern on his mind, however. When Lily had gone into labor early yesterday, they had been so relieved that it didn't look like she would fit the prophecy, at least not as closely as the Longbottoms. At the very least, it would look like they didn't, and maybe Voldemort would only want to attack them for their efforts in the war and not for their child now.

Unfortunately, at 11:58 p.m. on July the thirty-first, the seventh month was dying as Harry James Potter was being born. They had gone to a Muggle hospital instead of St. Mungo's to try to keep the birthdate a secret. What they really wanted was to be able to say that Harry was born several days, or even a week or two, later than the prophecy had indicated. Lily had bravely agreed to endure natural birth without the midwife spells of the magical world in order to preserve the secrecy as long as possible.

Sirius wondered if she was regretting it now. It certainly sounded like it had cost her a lot. There was yet another great scream thirty seconds later, then a different kind of crying. Harry Potter had been born.

His mother had flopped back onto the bed in exhaustion. Her hair was wet with sweat, the veins stood out in her forehead, her face was a sickly pale and her eyes were bloodshot. To James, she had never looked more beautiful. He knew that that was a terribly corny thing to think at that moment, but he couldn't help it. She was the strongest woman that he had ever met. He pushed a few strands of sweaty hair that had fallen into her face back behind her ears. She opened her weary eyes and smiled weakly at him. "How is he?" she whispered tiredly.

It was difficult to imagine her only having enough energy for such a soft voice when only a few seconds ago she had been filling the room (and several of those beyond it) with her screams. "The Healers-"

"Doctors," she corrected quietly.

"Are cleaning him up," James answered, not taking his eyes from her.

Lily smiled at him lovingly at him as she whispered, "How can you look at me? How can you look at me when Harry's right over there?"

"He's coming over," James answered, taking her hand in his and kissing it.

Lily smiled more widely. "We have a baby, James." She squeezed his hand weakly. "Thank you."

"You sure weren't thanking me a minute ago," James laughed. Then a nurse came up behind him and Lily's looked up over his head to the small bundle in the woman's arms.

"I am now," she said in a voice full of wonder as the nurse lowered a tiny baby into her arms. She looked as if she were going to cry. She breathed deeply and blinked rapidly, then opened her eyes and stared at her son. He was, actually, a little red and squished up, but he had a small mat of black hair on his head.

He was still crying loudly when the nurse placed him in Lily Potter's arms, but she held him close and watched in fascination. James Potter watched in awe as his wife calmed the tiny person that had just come out of her. "Hello, Harry," she whispered, giving him a gentle kiss on the top of his head. "You look just like your father. All scrunched and dirty."

James laughed and kissed his wife on the top of her head. She had just given birth to his firstborn son, and she could say whatever she wanted to about him. Harry's eyes, which had been closed as he was crying, opened. James smiled broadly and declared proudly, "But he'll have your eyes, Lils. Just look at them, they're beautiful."

"They're blue," Lily laughed.

"All babies start out blue. They're the same shape, so they'll be the same color," James said firmly.

"I'll let you two decide that in a minute," the nurse said. Lily looked most reluctant. The nurse obviously had a great deal of experience with this. "I'm sorry, but I've got to take him now. You'll be able to see him soon, I promise, but I suggest you get some rest or you won't be able to hold him."

"But James hasn't even been able to hold him yet," Lily complained on his behalf.

The nurse smiled slightly, "All right, if you don't need him to stay with you, your husband can carry him down part of the way." James stood and very seriously, an expression rarely seen on his face, took the small bundle from the nurse again. He looked so scared as he held him; he was so careful in the way he balanced him, stiffening as if afraid to hurt him.

Lily actually laughed. "You're not going to break him, James." James could only stare down at his son in amazement. His son. The nurse led him out of the room.

James looked back at his wife at the door. "How did you do this, Lils?" he whispered reverently. It was the most perfect moment of his life, but nearly as fragile as the baby in his arms. Voldemort would be after this precious treasure and try to take it from him very soon. This was a very brief peace. In just an hour they would deem it unsafe to remain here and go back into hiding immediately. They would smuggle Lily and Harry out of the hospital and Obliviate all the helpful doctors and nurses. They would destroy all the records.

But for now, the world was calm and beautiful. Lily was almost asleep already, dropping off in exhaustion. "I'm never speaking to you again, by the way," she said groggily to her husband.

James smiled even more broadly, even his worries not lasting long on this night. "I've heard that before."

* * *

It was a full week before either Lily or Marissa would speak to James Potter, and then it was only Lily asking him to pass the salt. When Sirius tentatively mentioned the last Hogsmeade weekend of term, neither of the girls even bothered to reply. Marissa had made the disconcerting habit of either giving Remus a quick kiss goodbye or tugging him along with her and Lily whenever any of them mentioned spending time together as a group. The time had come for desperate measures.

"So Mr. Moony will go with the two of them to Hogsmeade..." Mr. Padfoot drew a few arrows on the drawn Map of Hogsmeade that he had recreated on the chalkboard in McGonagall's classroom. "...suggesting casually that they visit Madam Puddifoots for lunch instead of the Three Broomsticks. If I know Miss Lily, she will feel uncomfortable at the idea of visiting Couple Central as a third wheel and detour to the Three Broomsticks. Should Miss Lily decide to brave initially, Mr. Moony will have to try to engage Mrs. Moony in a more private meeting, and thus make Miss Lily increasingly uncomfortable."

"Can I ask you a question, Mr. Padfoot?" Mr. Moony asked pointedly. "Why do your plans always have to depend on me being a jerk? Especially in front of Mrs. Moony? By the way, when did we start calling her that?"

"When Mr. Moony proposed to Miss Marissa, she became Mrs. Moony," Mr. Padfoot said as if speaking to a simpleton. "Now, is Mr. Moony capable of focusing on something other than Mrs. Moony? However, this is a perfect way to act in front of Miss Lily tomorrow. Just focus on Mrs. Moony and find an excuse for Miss Lily to leave. Mr. Prongs will be ready to attempt to talk to her. Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Padfoot - "

"And Lily thinks I'm an egomaniac ... referring to yourself in the third person is pretty ridiculous, Mr. Padfoot," Mr. Prongs said snidely.

"Mr. Prongs will kindly remember that it is for Mr. Prongs's benefit, and because of his stupidity, that the Marauders are going to all of this trouble," Mr. Padfoot said jovially, turning gleefully back to his chalkboard.

"Can Mr. Wormtail make a suggestion?" Mr. Wormtail asked politely.

"Oh, not you too, Mr. Wormtail," Mr. Prongs groaned.

"Shut it, you," Mr. Padfoot said, putting McGonagall's pointer between Mr. Prongs's eyes. "Go on, Mr. Wormtail. Useful comments are always welcomed here," he said the second sentence with a pointed glance at about Messrs Prongs and Moony.

"Would it be better to ask Mrs. Moony for forgiveness first?" Mr. Wormtail asked. "Mrs. Moony could perhaps soften Miss Lily." It was harder than it should have been to refer to Marissa as Mrs. Moony. Truthfully, it was harder than it should be to think about Marissa as anything these days. Karkaroff had been drilling him about her relentlessly. And Peter had mentioned her neighborhood once. It was almost enough to make him go to Dumbledore...

But surely Mrs. Moony could handle herself. Surely. And it was Mr. Moony's job to protect her now anyway.

"I need to apologize to Lily," James said quietly. "I can't face Marissa until I do. I can't face someone who really cares about Lily until then. I'm beginning to wonder if I really care myself anymore, or if it's just sport after all these years."

There was a very long silence after this. "Start with apologizing to her," Sirius responded seriously. "Go from there." He turned back to the board, "And kindly remember the codenames."

James laughed a little. "The codenames haven't made sense since third year when everyone started to know them. But I suppose we all need to humor the madman."

* * *

Things went wrong in Hogsmeade immediately. Lily spent an hour in the bookshop, and Marissa scorned the idea of Puddifoots. She, however, also furnished the way out. She seemed to be glancing around the high street when she suggested it. "Let's go for a walk, Remus," Marissa said, pulling on his arm.

"Yes, it's not like you two ever get any time alone," Lily said with a roll of her eyes.

"Not when we can be sure that those boys aren't going to pop out from behind us," Marissa replied. "Besides, you know you weren't done in that bookshop, Lils. You don't have to be polite about leaving after an hour now."

"Call it whatever you want, it's still abandoning me," Lily said with a playful glare. "Oh go on!" she sighed, waving them away.

"We'd better hurry," Marissa whispered in Remus's ear when they were a few steps away.

"And why is that?" Remus asked.

"Because I have the feeling that Lily and James are about to have another terrific row," Marissa responded. "You really didn't think that it would be that easy this time, did you?"

"There's sense and then there's wishing," Remus replied, looking glumly down at his shoes. "Sometimes one wins out, and sometimes the other does."

"Well, it's going to take more than just an apology to mend that fence," Marissa sighed.

"Then why let the train wreck occur?" Remus demanded a little angrily.

"Because sometimes it takes a train wreck to convince people to fix the tracks," Marissa replied, slipping her arm in his and steering him off of the high street and down the little-traveled road toward Rhynie.

* * *

"So, do you want to catch another movie?" Marissa asked as they passed the cinema in the little town.

"Why, is it running away?" Remus asked, laughing at the phrases he was beginning to understand after so much time in Marissa's company. Marissa laughed too. He wondered if that was a common joke, the way she was shaking her head at him seemed to indicate that.

"Well, we could get lunch or something," Marissa said as she gazed around the street for a likely looking place. "Where do you think we'd be allowed to go? We've got to go somewhere fast; we left our cloaks back in the woods."

"I don't think we're allowed to be here at all," Remus replied. "I'm a very bad influence on you, you know."

"Yes, terrible," Marissa said with a smile, turning her head so that she was only an inch from Remus's face. "But in one way I've had a fantastic influence on you," she said with a sly smile.

"Oh? Which one is that?" Remus asked as if he already knew.

"Your kissing has improved dramatically with all the practice I've been willing to put in," Marissa said, moving closer until there was only the slightest distance between their lips and stopping tantalizingly.

"Yes, I believe it has ... now, how to thank my lovely tutor?" Remus said with a growing smile. His breath teased her lips and the skin around them, so very close and yet just out of reach.

"You'd better figure out something," Marissa whispered back. "No one likes a debtor."

"What a quandary."

Having no more playful comments to add to their old joke, Remus and Marissa were about to kiss when a beeping came from Remus's pocket. They jumped slightly and stopped. They were about to ignore it when Sirius's voice called out, "MOONY!"

Marissa groaned as she turned her head away and slipped ever so slightly out of his arms. "You owe me," she mouthed, walking a little ways ahead, cold without Remus's arms to warm her.

"Urgent," Remus sighed, reluctantly reaching for the Message Parchment that all the Marauders carried. "I do so wonder how Sirius is defining urgent this time." He took out the paper and skimmed the message on it. "Apparently, Lily disturbed half of high street yelling at him very publicly and casting a curse they still haven't been able to reverse."

Marissa snorted, not entirely out of amusement. "Did he really think that it was going to be that easy this time?" she asked with a sigh at James's attitude. "I know he cares about her, but he sure does a good job of acting like he doesn't."

"Well, apparently they need me back," Remus sighed. "Shall we find our cloaks again?"

"Actually, I want to visit somewhere," Marissa said. "It's the real reason I wanted to come to Rhynie, but you go ahead, it sounds like those boys need their voice of reason. I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked, looking about as if Dark wizards were about to start jumping out from behind the buildings. Marissa could tell that he was thinking of Lizzie Walker and the threatening black letter.

"It's a church, Remus, it'll be the last safe place left, even after Hogwarts," Marissa said with a laugh. She then walked in the direction of St. Patrick's Catholic Church and opened the heavy wooden doors. Remus saw her safely inside before he turned to run back to Hogsmeade. He hoped, but doubted, that she was right about the sanctity of churches, and not just for her immediate safety.

As there was no service going on, the place was quiet and serene. There was a lady kneeling before a statue of the Blessed Virgin, lighting a candle and praying quietly. Marissa walked down the aisle and sat in a pew, genuflecting to the altar before she did so. She sat there for a long time without any particular thoughts at all.

The woman rose eventually and crossed herself. She left the light burning as she made her way out of the church, leaving Marissa alone. She faced the tabernacle as she spoke, occasionally looking up at the statue of Christ on the cross above it. "When did I become a Christmas-Easter Catholic?" she whispered. She waited as if for an answer. "When did I become a stranger in a Church?

"A few hundred years ago, the answer would have been easy for people like me. The fiery pits of hell for all witches," she said quietly, a kind of smile twisting onto her face. "In a way, it would almost be a relief to know what was going to happen, but I don't think that You really do things that way. There are bad and good, just like in the Muggle world. Magic is just like a conscience, something You may not, according to the creation stories, have originally meant for us to have, but now that we have it we're expected to use it for good.

"Have I? Because I'm scared. Good disciples aren't supposed to be scared of death, are they?"

She looked around at the quiet Church, a place of rest from burdens that were too large for a person to bear anymore. My burden is easy. My yoke is light. If you need rest, come to Me. "Can You ever forgive me for only turning to You when I need You? For only coming here when I couldn't do it on my own anymore? I needed You a few years ago, and You were there, but ever since I found out, I've been trying to fix up my life on my own. Yet everything I try to make my friends' lives easier after I - go - just seems to make it worse. I can't do it alone."

Then the tears came, and she found herself sobbing, her face in her hands. "Can I ever be forgiven for only coming here when I need You? Can You forgive me?" she cried through her tears, her sobs soft but insistent. "I missed You, I truly did."

"And He missed you, my child," a warm voice said as a large hand was placed gently on her shoulder. She would have been startled and immediately drawn her wand in another place. Instead, she just looked up at the middle-aged man in priestly robes who stood above her.

She looked up at him, her eyes red from her tears. "Father," she said quietly. "Could one selfless act make up for all the selfish ones in my life?"

"There was one once, that made up for all the selfish ones throughout time," he said in a warm, comforting voice that seemed other-worldly yet also familiar. He pointed at the large Crucifix above the altar. He sat down in the pew in front of her and turned back to talk to her. "Because of it, He can forgive anything."

"I'm going to die soon, Father," she told him, testing the terrifying words on a stranger, a man of God, to see if she could bear to say them. "Can I still be forgiven for only turning to Him again now? When He's always been there for me to catch me when I fell?"

"He caught you, my child, because He loves you," he told her quietly. "He rejoices to have You in His service as long as you live, and, though none but He can judge a life, He would love nothing more than to have you in His Kingdom."

"I was always religious when I was little. I figured that I would be closer to my mother that way," she told him quietly. "Then, when I was eleven, I went off to school and I let it fall away a little. Maybe a lot. I don't know. But then, after a few years, something happened, and I needed Him again. He was the only one to Whom I could talk about it. He helped me get through it. I stayed closer than before, but once I felt whole again, I didn't pay so much attention. Then when I was diagnosed, I started to turn away. I didn't want to talk to Him. I wasn't angry, I was just afraid, and He suddenly made me more afraid rather than less.

"But everything I do to try to make it less scary without Him doesn't work, and the timeis getting close. I'm scared and I - I need Him. Will He still be there for me when I've turned away so many times?" she asked, looking up at the priest with a complete trust she extended to almost no one.

"Yes," he answered simply. "If you truly want God in your heart, He will come there. No matter how many times we turn away, He is there to forgive." He handed her a handkerchief. "Take comfort. He will be there to help you. He will be there to catch you in the end, just as He always was in life."

"I've been selfish, not telling my friends," Marissa said quietly. "Can I wait to tell them until after Christmas?"

"You will have to search your own heart for that answer," he told her quietly. "It would be terrible if this came as a shock to them, but God will guide you. Especially now that you are allowing Him to."

"He was before?"

"He is in everything," the priest answered. "He is even there in your mistakes."

As she had already confessed nearly everything, Father Manger led her through the sacrament of reconciliation. Then she lit a candle and made her way out of the Church and into the snowy world of a small town decked out to the nines for Christmas.

James was waiting for her. She was wiping tears from her eyes as she walked toward him. "I'm sorry, Riss," he said quietly, looking her sincerely in the eyes.

"Apology accepted," Marissa said immediately.

"Just like that?" he asked in surprise.

"I've just come from a Church, James, and it's nearly Christmas," she replied simply. "Forgiveness is cheap today." She turned and started to walk back to Hogsmeade. "I hope that you didn't expect it to be that easy with Lily."

"I am sorry, I didn't know-"

"No," Marissa said sternly. "You didn't. But that's no excuse this time, James. You assumed that you knew, and you hurt her very deeply because you assumed that you knew everything. You assumed that you understood what she did. Do you know Lily Evans at all?"

"It seemed so contrary to her character," James said. "That was why I was so angry."

"And it never occurred to you that you were wrong?" Marissa replied harshly. "Don't answer that," she added quickly. "You thought Lily was acting against her character, yet you still didn't assume that you were wrong?"

"I'm sorry."

"That's not good enough this time. Your arrogance and trust in yourself hurt her," Marissa replied. "She's not going to forgive you easily. You're going to have to earn her trust back little by little."

"Again?"

"All over again."

"Bugger."

"James..."

"Sorry."

"It's all right. Like I just told you, forgiveness is cheap today."

"With you at least."

* * *

"You let him walk through Rhynie like that?"

"I thought you'd appreciate that, Lils," Marissa replied with a smirk. "Might even soften you a bit towards him."

"Don't hold your breath," Lily mumbled.

"I've no intention," Marissa said with a smile. It had been a decidedly awkward week. The entire school was obviously aware of the tremendous fight, and things seemed to be back to the old days of Lily and James spats. It had been a way of life before this year; why should it be any different now? Their tensions had been fraying ever since their fragile alliance because they had never really had anything to bind them together again. You couldn't will a friendship after so much distrust if half of you didn't even want it anymore.

"So, this ice skating thing they announced at breakfast," Lily said with a smile as they sat by the fire in the Common Room. "Your doing?"

"They'll never prove it," Marissa said with a nevertheless mischievous smile, "but I think it would be nice to have a fun afternoon before we all have to part for the holidays. So of course we're going, but that doesn't mean that I planned it."

Lily just laughed and shook her head at her best friend. "And you say you won't get Head Girl," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Most of it's according to grades," Marissa argued. "How many more O.W.L.s than me do you need to get for you to get it through your thick skull that you're smarter than me? And besides, Dumbledore and McGonagall know that I couldn't handle it."

"With everything else going on?" Lily asked quietly. They both looked up and caught each other's eyes. It was the first mention that they had made of the secret in a good while. They were getting very good at ignoring it, but it was still like the elephant in the room.

"I'd drive the school into chaos and ruin," Marissa said with a small smile. It felt forced. It had never felt forced before. Smiles used to come at Marissa's call. "Lead it for me as a personal favor, Lils."

"All right," Remus said as he came barrelling down the stairs carrying a large, disorganized collection of heavy-looking objects. "Skates, check. Cloaks, check. Girlfriend..." he was murmuring to himself. When he came to girlfriend, he glanced away from the pile and gave Marissa a quick peck. "Check."

"Fiancee," Marissa corrected pointedly. "And will you relax? The castle is very close to where we're going. You can even see it from there."

"Fiancee's sarcasm, check," Remus said, standing and making for the Portrait Hole.

"For me too apparently," she said with slightly raised eyebrows and a wide smile. She looked at Lily as she rose. "You ready, Lils?"

"Not as ready as Remus apparently," Lily said with a laugh in her voice. "The rest of the Marauders coming?"

"Free castle, Lils," Marissa said by way of apology.

"You and Remus are so perfect together, did I ever tell you that?" Lily said with a smile as she pulled on her cloak and walked with Marissa toward the Portrait Hole. "It makes me believe in true love again. Almost."

"Glad to be of service," Remus said, tipping his hat at her as he pushed open the Portrait and handed them out. Marissa shook her head at him. She supposed the Marauders weren't the only ones who were rubbing off on each other.

The Castle was - there was no other way to put it - a Winter Wonderland at Christmas. Holly, evergreen and mistletoe were draped over everything that would stand still and great deal of things that wouldn't. Even the old suits of armor were humming (off-key, but who cared around Christmastime?) and adding to the atmosphere. Marissa walked through the castle feeling as if she were already in heaven.

Then they pushed open the doors and walked into the real Winter Wonderland. It was like a postcard. There were two or three isolated snowball fights that would probably merge into a gigantic one within the hour. There were several younger years making snow angels. At least five snowmen, from basic to near-professional efforts, scattered around the open grounds. On the lake, people were skating. There were two girls she couldn't identify from that distance who were very good figure skaters. Then again, so was Lily, or at least, she had been. She hadn't had the chance to practice like she wanted once she got to Hogwarts. It was on the long list of hobbies they had had to give up when they came into the wizarding world.

The three made their way through the snow. Marissa felt warm snuggled next to Remus under his cloak. Lily walked a few feet away, having become quite accustomed to feeling like a third wheel. In fact, she was a charming off-set to constant company. She gave them enough time on their own. Sometimes, Marissa wondered if having Lily around to tease them and occassionally break in with a new point of view allowed them to spend so much time together without getting on each other's nerves. She wished she'd have the rest of her life to find out if she and Remus were truly compatible.

It certainly seemed so. Marissa tried not to think of that. This was her last fling with pure happiness. It was probably her last Christmas. So when she put on her skates and pulled Remus onto the ice, she let herself forget all of it.

She looked around at the unbelievably picturesque scene and was positively beaming. Lily had even modified her old skating uniform and was out there warming up to skate with the others. She didn't even let herself worry when she saw the other three Marauders heading down to the lake with their skates in hand.

By the time that she and Remus did a leisurely lap of the lake, Lily was beginning to spin about on the ice like a pro. Well, almost. She fell in an ungraceful heap on the ice. James Potter was the first one there to, smirking, extend a hand to help her out. If she had taken it, it would have been a perfect day, but she didn't. Perhaps if he had done it without the smirk... But no, Lily still wasn't ready to forgive him.

As if to distract his girlfriend from these thoughts, Remus grabbed both her hands and, very abruptly, began to spin her around. It wasn't like the dance twirls they were so good at. He was spinning her like a ball on a string, gathering speed dangerously.

"AH!" she cried in distress, laughing against her will. Her cry startled Lily and James out of their impending showdown. "Remus!" she gasped. "No!" However, she was laughing too hard for her plea to be taken seriously. He was spinning her faster and faster.

He probably didn't mean to let go when he did. He certainly wouldn't have intentionally shot her off (backwards no less) in an uncontrollable slide to the middle of the lake that was roped off, where the ice was thinner. Until she realized she had crossed the rope, she was laughing and enjoying the thrill. Then she understood his cry of dismay.

She slowed to a stop very slowly, feeling the ice very thin beneath her feet. Her reaction was to skate-run back to the safer edges. She froze though, afraid to disturb the light layer of ice in this part of the lake. Remus, who had darted forward, also seemed afraid to come closer and disturb the ice.

"Marissa!" he cried in distress as it began to cave in. Just when it did, a large tentacle reached up out of it and pushed Marissa back up just as she was beginning to fall in. It further propelled her away from the ice. Not daring to even pick up her feet to speed up the process, she glided into Remus's arms and clutched at him in relief as the giant squid disappeared back into the lake. "Marissa, are you all right?" Remus asked breathlessly, looking as if he had seen a ghost.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," she whispered, not quite able to keep the fear out of her voice. "Thank you!" she called back at her disappearing savior.

"Riss, I'm so sorry," Remus began, looking mortified.

"Like I told James a week ago, forgiveness is cheap during the Christmas season," Marissa said with a shaky but sincere smile. She pulled him back to the safer area of the lake where everyone immediately descended on them. Only when she was safely seated on a hastily conjured chair with her cloak back on did everyone relax. Only when he was sitting next to her and holding her protectively did Remus.

"You see why I said I'd rather date the giant squid than you last year, Potter?" Lily said nastily to Potter a few minutes later when she caught him looking at her. "He has the ability to save. All you have is the ability to hurt."

"Lils," Marissa said quietly. "Give me one day without the bickering. You and James can fight for Sirius all you want once I go home tomorrow, I promise."

"Thanks, Riss," Sirius muttered with an unappreciative look at her.

"Now show me an axle," Marissa said with an imperious gesture toward the ice.

"I'm years out of practice, Riss, I'm not about to try a jump," Lily said with a roll of her eyes. "And I could never do an axle."

"Then go spin like a top," Marissa shrugged, leaning her head on Remus's shoulders. "Same difference." Lily snorted, but she didn't fight with James for the rest of the day. James, out of similar courtesy, didn't try to approach her.

It was perfect, minus the near death experience. Or, perhaps, that only made it even sweeter in the moment. It was almost as if the fates knew what the Gryffindor sixth years didn't, that this would be the last stolen moment. So Christmas and Hogwarts conspired to make it perfect, minus James and Lily fighting, but they were used to that by now.

* * *

"Since when am I waking you up?" Lily asked, throwing open the curtains. The bright morning light pried her eyes unwillingly open, and with a groan, Marissa rolled over and off the opposite side of the bed. Marissa didn't say anything in the morning anymore, not for the first few minutes. Despite all the awkwardness and strain that it put on her friend, and how guilty that Marissa felt because of it, she was relieved that she could take her medicine in front of her roommate.

"You have enough for the holidays?" Lily asked nervously, trying to hide the pain that seeing Marissa taking all those pills caused her. Marissa always took them with her eyes closed until she had swallowed, so Lily had time to compose herself. She wondered in the meantime, however, if Marissa was waiting for equilibrium to return. Then again, they probably didn't work that quickly.

"Madam Pomfrey gave me enough until I'm back at school," Marissa said quietly, looking over at Lily. "I'll give you all the details you want then. I promise. Madam Pomfrey herself will explain it to you. I just don't want to name it yet. It's too hard."

"For me too," Lily said, her tears bursting out against her will. Marissa immediately crossed the room and hugged her best friend tightly. Lily immediately returned the hug. "I'm going to go crazy not knowing if you're okay," she said hoarsely into her ear.

"I'm so sorry, Lils," Marissa whispered back, clutching at her friend for support.

"I'm going to bombard you with owls and wait like a vulture for their return," Lily swore.

"From a girl who thinks the Hogwarts owls secretly hate her, I truly appreciate that," Marissa replied with a laugh. "But I have a better idea." Marissa pulled away and walked toward the door. Lily followed her out onto the staircase. She closed the door to their room for a minute, then opened it again. Lily stared at the room behind it, it looked exactly as it always had.

"Okay..," Lily said slowly. Then she shook her head, "It's early for this, Riss, don't ask me to figure it out for myself."

"There are two beds in our room," Marissa said. "Just like there were a minute ago, so most people don't notice that, when the door was closed, the room was adjusting to how many sixth year Gryffindor girls currently need it." She was looking very, very sadly at Lily now. "Eventually, you may have to open this door and see only one bed in it," she said quietly. "But at least you'll have a way to reassure yourself. It's a ways off still, but you don't believe my promises to that effect anymore, do you?"

"I wish I could," Lily said, hugging her again. "I really do," she whispered. Then, because she desperately needed a laugh, she added, "Although I suspect this is just a plot so that I can't spend all of my time in the room hiding from Sirius and James."

"Nah, that's just a bonus," Marissa said with a half-laugh.

"I'm going to miss you, Riss."

"I'll be back, Lils," Marissa whispered back. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

Remus took her suitcase at the bottom of the stairs. "Good morning, darling," he said cheerfully, kissing her.

"Easy, Remus," she said when the kiss ended a long moment later. "We'll have plenty of time when we're not creating a spectacle for the younger years. We are prefects, if you remember."

"We're engaged," Remus replied. "It's perfectly legal."

"And even more so on the long train ride to London," she said with a smirk. "Do you think you can keep your hands off me until then? Just for the sake of appearances?"

"You're not fooling anyone," Lily laughed, pulling on a dark red cloak that made her look like Little Red Riding Hood.

"And besides, the train ride is only about nine hours, and you'll want to talk at least some of the time, and then there are our rounds," Remus replied rationally, looking at Marissa with Sirius's patented puppy-dog eyes. She laughed and smiled at him as he said, "Then I don't see you for two weeks."

"We could talk on the rounds," Marissa suggested, deathly serious.

"Yes, but then there's Peter to think of; we've got to steal time while we can," Remus argued. "Valerie could be difficult, a younger year could need something, there are all sorts of things that could go wrong, a deer could hit the train..."

"Oh shut up," Marissa laughed. "You know you had me at 'good morning.'"

He leaned in immediately. She pulled away slightly, pointing her finger at him warningly. "Five minutes. That's it."

"Then we skip lunch," Remus returned.

Marissa cocked her head thoughtfully. Then she shrugged. "Mavi'll have a monster of a dinner anyway." With that, they were kissing again.

"Oy! Common Room! Full of people!" Sirius called as he and James made their way down the stairs with Peter's heavy suitcase. Marissa waved her wand absently, and a clouded bubble blocked them from view. "You two are getting sickening."

"Never mind, Sirius, they're dead to the world," Lily laughed. "It's not like there are any of the younger years here right now They're all either sleeping late or already down at Hogsmeade station. Most people like to wake up in time for the carriages rather than having to drag their own luggage down."

"I bet we could catch the last few if we unglued Mr. and Mrs. Moony there," Peter said, not looking at them. He didn't like seeing them together, but that wasn't the only reason he was hiding now. He felt too guilty looking at Marissa these days.

"Ah, let 'em be," James said with a shrug. "Two weeks is a long time to be apart."

"Easy for you to say," Peter muttered. "You're not the one they'll be dumping on the train to go off and do more of the same." Leaving him wide open to be approached by junior Death Eaters he really didn't want to have to face at the moment. He didn't want to tell them her address. He would stand firm on this. He was actually rather proud of himself for that. Jerome Fletcher and his family would sleep safely. He had told Karkaroff as much on their last meeting. He was still rather proud that Karkaroff still had no idea she had a brother.

"We do need to go, actually," James said, consulting his watch. It was quite a surprising motion. Who would have thought that a Marauder owned a watch? Especially James?

Lily looked at her own watch. "Wait..." she said slowly, counting the seconds. "Time!" she yelled in the direction of the couple. The shield dissolved. They didn't break apart immediately, but they did separate, grinning like idiots at each other. "Hurry up," Lily said. "I have no desire to run like last time."

"It's exercise," Marissa said with a smirk. She reached for her suitcase, but Remus slapped her hand lightly away. He picked up both of their suitcases, and they set off for Hogsmeade.

"Now, the question is," Marissa said as they reached the station, "when I go to cajole Valerie into giving us better rounds, do we want to have no patrols now or on the ride back?"

Remus reached over and gave her a quick kiss. "I'll be back," she said with a smile.

"Please don't tell me the two of you have spent so much time with that that you've developed your own language," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh! Don't put ideas in their heads!" Lily groaned. "I know I say I want details, Riss, but don't you dare try to translate that for me!"

Instead of answering, Marissa, who was already at the train, turned around and made a few quick tongue movements. "She says 'don't worry, she wouldn't,'" Remus told her.

"Heaven help us, they're becoming the new dynamic duo," James cried, shaking his head. "They'll be outdoing us soon if we don't watch it, Padfoot."

"You know, I wouldn't have thought Moony'd have the capacity, but I guess we underestimated Mrs. Moony's influence on him," Sirius said speculatively.

"Her influence on him? What about his on her?" Lily said.

"Ah, they're a couple now, you can't separate them; why try to distinguish them?" James said with a smile. Lily stiffened and sent him a dirty look for daring to speak to her. "Happy holidays," he muttered morosely, looking down at the ground.

"You do know that I'm standing here, right?" Remus reminded them in slight annoyance.

"I know something that will cheer you up," Sirius said slyly, looking over across the crowd to the young man moving purposefully toward them, "and put us back in first place for the most troublesome pair at Hogwarts at the same time."

Snape made to move right through them without so much as sparing them a glance. James stepped in front of him, pushing him lightly back. "Hello there, Snivellus," he said. "How have you been?"

"You're a great bully, Potter," Lily muttered quietly.

James ignored her. All five boys did.

"I don't see how that's any of your business, Potter," Snape replied, starting to push past him.

James pushed him back again. "But it is," he replied, "if you're trying to find Marissa."

"What does it matter to you if I am?" Snape replied. "It's still a free country. They haven't declared it Potterville yet."

"Ha," Lily burst out. They all looked at her briefly. "I never thought I'd hear an It's a Wonderful Life reference from Severus ruddy Snape." She was laughing. They all ignored her as she wasn't making sense to them. She caught the recently returned Marissa's eyes, but her friend did not smile. She had stopped several feet away, watching the boys with mild but growing horror. They didn't notice her. They were too wrapped up in arguing over her. Remus, Peter, Sirius, and Lily just stood their watching the spectacle unfold.

"You're not going to see her," James declared forcefully.

"She doesn't belong to you like some pathetic pet, Potter," Snape snarled back. "You don't get to determine who she sees."

Marissa, Lily saw, was watching Remus. Remus's expression was unreadable except that he was thinking about something very hard. Then again, maybe Marissa could read it, but Lily couldn't.

"She's more mine than yours!" James yelled back. "You have no right to be near her!"

"You have no right to keep her from seeing someone," Snape hissed back.

"We do when it's you," Peter piped up, feeling much braver than in years past. "I'm going to stop her from coming out-" began Peter, who obviously hadn't seen Marissa yet.

"You stay away from her, slimeball!" Snape yelled wildly at him, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Look who's bloody talking!" James roared, picking back up the argument. It could never have been between two other people. The natural antagonists had found each other yet again. "You think that she's yours to protect? She's never been yours and she never will be!"

"She's not yours to protect either!"

"SHE IS MINE TO PROTECT FROM FILTH LIKE YOU!" James belted over him.

None of the onlookers knew what it was, but something made James, Snape, and Remus all turn at the same moment and see Marissa standing there staring at them with a look of disgust, anger, and pain on her face. Then she turned and fled.

"Marissa!" Remus cried, running after her.

"Merry Christmas, Lils! Sirius!" Marissa called, her voice giving away the fact that she was crying. Then she pulled herself up onto the train and raced out of sight. Remus pelted after her. She was no match for him as far as speed, and there was nowhere to hide on the Hogwarts Express.

He caught her hand, trying to pull her around. "Riss! Riss, it's okay," he said, trying to fully catch her and turn her around.

"No!" she screamed, whirling around and facing him with fury on her face. "It's not okay!" She stood tall and frightening as she faced him despite the fact that she was much shorter. "It is not okay that one of my best friends and the person who, arguably, knows me best after you, were standing on a platform arguing about which one of them I belong to! Like I'm no more than a prize they're fighting over! Like everything that I've built with them was just a tug-of-war! Like it was all about them! Like I'm just a pawn in their rivalry!

"And even worse, the man that I do belong to was standing there watching them, not saying anything, wondering if it's true," she looked positively livid. Remus had never seen her like this. "You still aren't sure," she cried, tears falling down her face.

"You are always furious when I fight over you," Remus pointed out, confused.

"You fight at the drop of a hat for me; why wouldn't you protest against this if you didn't wonder if it were true? You would have broken their noses if you weren't too busy wondering if they had a point. I'm wearing your engagement ring, I want to marry you, and you still don't believe it! You still think that I want James of all people! Or Severus?" She looked at him with disbelief and a deep pain in her eyes. "You will never know how much it hurt me to see you standing there wondering if they were right. If I really belonged to them and not you. Why can't you believe me, Remus? Why can't you ever believe that I belong to you? That I love you? What else can I possibly do to convince you?"

She did not give him a chance to answer, however, because she turned and hurried back down the car and off down the train. It would have been easy to follow her, but he was glued to the spot in shock. And here he had convinced himself that it was only himself that his self-doubt was hurting.

* * *

Marissa had immured herself in the compartment and hadn't come out even when Lily beat on the door. "Sorry she's mad at you, mate," James had said awkwardly to Remus when Lily stepped down off the train in defeat. "I thought at the very least she'd be furious with me."

"Oh, I'm sure she is," Remus said with an attempt at a shrug. "She's just mad at me more than the rest of you."

"You didn't even do anything," Sirius protested.

"That's what she's mad about," Remus replied.

"You're kidding. After all the grief she gave you about wanting to punch my lights out for those innocent comments?" Sirius replied.

"I tried to point that out," Remus replied. He shrugged. "I think she had a point about one thing though. It's just a hard thing that she wants me to do."

"Ah, girls are all crazy, you should know that by now, Moony," James shrugged. Lily flicked him angrily in the back of the head and stomped off back toward the castle. "Merry Christmas, Remus! Peter!" she called back just as Marissa had a moment before.

"It's going to be a cold Christmas in Gryffindor Tower," Sirius said with a shake of his head.

"Don't envy you that one, mates," Remus said as they watched Lily walk away.

"I don't envy you the train ride," James replied with a shrug. "Get her back though, all right? You two may be sickening, but it'd be a very pleasant way to go."

* * *

Severus Snape was worried. He hated that he was worried. He hated that he couldn't warn her. He hated that he wanted to. He hated that he was willing to betray everything he believed to try to warn a Mudblood. He hated that he had finally stopped lying to himself about her.

Now, damn it, where was the stupid flibbertigibbet?

* * *

Marissa did not come to the prefect meeting. She did not come with him on their rounds. She did not open the door even for the lady with the lunch trolley. By the end of the day, Remus was beginning to get frantic. They were only a few minutes from pulling into Kings Cross Station, and Marissa was still sitting in there angry.

The time had come for drastic measures.

Marissa, for her part, knew that she would probably regret losing this time with Remus, but she also knew that he had to be made to understand that she loved him. She didn't have the time to do it little by little over the rest of their lives. She needed him to understand it for himself, and she needed him to have the confidence to believe it. She needed to put her foot down about it.

How hiding in the compartment was helping, she still wasn't entirely sure. She just knew that she couldn't back down on this, and she seriously didn't want to. She wanted to be angry. It made it easier to think of all of this going away so soon. Being angry about Remus's chronic self-doubt was easier than being mad at fate and circumstances that her old world was vanishing and would be gone by the next time that she boarded this train.

She didn't count on Peter opening the door himself. That was another excellent excuse to hide from the world, but in this case, she could be strong enough to handle it instead. "Peter, I need to talk to you," she said quietly, seriously. She needed to find out what this terrible secret he was carrying around was before she started believing her imagining as to what it could be.

Peter did not respond. He had taken out his wand. Marissa hated the ripple of fear that shot through her. The door opened again, and Remus came in. His wand was out too. He didn't say anything either. In silence, the boys raised their wands and music began to stream down from the ceiling of the compartment.

Although she probably should have realized it by this point, Marissa was still surprised when they started singing, Remus carrying the melody with Peter doing a very good job at backup. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas," his rich, warm voice sang as he caught her eyes.

"Just like the ones I used to know. Where the treetop glisten, and children listen," he sang with a warm smile on his face. "To hear, sleighbells in the snow. The snow."

Then Peter took over the vocals, "And I-I-I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write." Marissa just looked stonily back at them, but as Remus continued to look at her intensely, they could see that she was weakening.

They even caught a smile when Remus took over the melody again, "May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.

"And may all your Christmases be white." He was on his knees before her when he finished singing. "I'm sorry, Marissa," he said seriously as the music slowly ended.

Marissa laughed slightly. "I love you Remus Lupin," she said with a smile. Then the smile faded from her face and the twinkle from her eyes. "I love you so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe," she continued. "That's why I can't understand how you don't see it!"

Then she was on her feet so fast that she nearly knocked Remus over. She towered over him even when he rose to his feet. "I love you, there's no one else ... will you stop thinking that I'm going to wake up one of these days and realize I've made some sort of mistake? I'm not going to regret loving you. There's nothing that I want more in the world than to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you!" It was beyond bizarre to see Marissa yelling these things angrily. Then the train pulled to a stop and she swerved, off-balance. Remus, who had steadied himself against the overhead space, reached out his arm and caught her to keep her from falling.

This brought her face close to his. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her.

"That was never the problem," Marissa whispered back, looking him in the eyes longingly. "Nor was my forgiving you. Neither was me loving you."

"I love you, Riss," he told her.

"I know," she replied. "That isn't the problem either. The problem is that you don't know anything." Then she said louder, her frustration back, "Merlin, Remus, we have real problems in our relationship, do you have to invent new ones? I love you, you love me, we could be happy. I'm sorry if that doesn't fit into your world view, but that's how it is. This relationship is a good thing, and it's not going to go away because of your lycanthropy! If you decide that you can deal with that, send me an owl over the holidays."

And with that, she yanked her suitcase down and made her way out of the compartment and off the train as quickly as possible. It took Remus a minute to recover from the shock of her sentiments and the manner of their expression, but he hurried after her and reached the exit of the train just in time to see her stalking off of Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

She disappeared through the barrier to the Muggle world before he could catch her. Severus Snape looked a moment later but didn't even see Remus vanishing from the wizarding world. It was even harder to keep track of the genius crowd-weaver in the bustling Christmas traffic of King's Cross Station. After a few minutes of fruitless searching, Remus, in desperation, stepped up onto one of the trains nearby to see over the crowd. He spotted her with her father and brother making their way out the door.

Panicking, he yelled out over the bustling crowd, "I LOVE YOU, MARISSA FLETCHER!"

She didn't stop walking, but turned her head around to shout back, "You're an idiot, Remus Lupin!" just loud enough to be heard over the babble that had subsided slightly in surprise.

"Forgive me?" he hollered back, opening his arms wide and looking at her back imploringly. She did not even turn around to glance at him. "You know you love me!" he added loudly.

Marissa stopped. She turned around, still holding her little brother's hand. She looked directly at the place where he was making a spectacle of himself. She smiled slightly. "Merry Christmas, Remus!" Then she turned around and walked out into the city of London with her father and brother.

---

©KatyMulvaney5-7-2005