Harry and Ron's Excellent Adventure

Chapter Two

(Int. Ron's Bedroom. Harry and Ron are going over Magical Historical facts.)

Ron: Godric Gryffindor.

Harry: Number one: The founder of our house.

Ron: Number two: The lion dude.

Harry: Number Three: The sword from the sorting hat guy.

Ron: Oh yeah, Dude! Don't forget, his favorite colours were scarlet and gold.

Harry: Excellent! We could say that if Godric Gryffindor were alive today, he would definitely like Gryffindor's Quidditch robes!

(Harry and Ron make jerky movements, grin at each other, and mime playing guitars as the guitar sound effect is provided.)

Harry and Ron: EXCELLENT!

(Enter Fleur carrying a tray of pumpkin juice and sandwiches)

Fleur: I thought zat you boys would be 'ungry.

(Harry and Ron stare open-mouthed at Fleur as she sets down the tray. They jerk back to consciousness as Bill enters.)

Bill: Hey, guys. How's the report coming?

Ron: We are in danger of flunking most heinously.

Harry: Yeah, and my stupid git uncle'll send me to a Muggle military school in Iceland.

Ron: Then we'll never start our band.

(Bill isn't paying any attention to Harry and Ron. He is in a trance because Fleur is smiling at him.)

Bill: Great, guys. That's good to hear.

(He hands Harry and Ron some money.)

Bill: Why don't you go and get yourselves some butterbeer or something?

(Ron sighs and takes the money. He and Harry walk out the door. They turn around in time to catch a glimpse of Bill wearing a smirk as he closes the door behind them. Harry and Ron head down the stairs.)

Harry: I can't believe it, Dude! Your brother's going for it--right in your room!

Ron: Shut up, Harry!

Harry: Fleur is hot, though.

Ron: Shut up Harry!

Harry: Remember when we were fourth years and she was a seventh year?

Ron: Shut up, Harry!

Harry: Remember when you asked her to the Yule Ball?

(Ron's ears turn pink.)

Ron: SHUT UP, HARRY!

(Harry makes a jerky movement and grins. They get to the fireplace, grab some floo powder, and throw it in the flames.)

Ron: Hogsmeade!

(Ron goes spinning into the flames. Harry grabs some Floo powder, looks nervously at the fireplace, and throws it into the flames.)

Harry: Hogsmeade!

(Harry is engulfed in the flames and goes spinning though the Floo powder network until he comes out of a fireplace in Honeydukes.)

Ron: (as he helps Harry to his feet.) You okay, Dude?

Harry: Yeah, Dude! I just hate the bloody Floo powder.

Ron: Don't worry, Dude. We'll be allowed to apparate in another year.

Harry: If we pass our report and don't give Snape an excuse to kick us out of school.

Ron: Oh yeah!

Harry: I do know one thing for sure though; the Grey Lady was not Gandalf's wife.

(Ext. Honeydukes. Harry and Ron are sitting on the steps of Honeydukes sucking on sugar quills and reading their books.)

Harry: I can't find when the Pendragons ruled Britain.

Ron: Why don't we just ask Hermione?

Harry: She and Ginny got kidnapped, Remember?

Ron: When did that happen?

Harry: It's a plot device in the Bloody script, you prat! Ginny and Hermione are playing the Babes and Crabbe and Goyle are the Royal Ugly Dudes.

Ron: That's another thing. What is up with this "Dude" word?

Harry: It's something that American Muggles like to say.

Ron: Dad'll like that, but really, of all the words American Muggles like to say, why are we saying "Dude!" And what is up with having a band called "Wyld Hippogriffs" and us wanting a "most triumphant video." I don't even know what a "most triumphant video is.

Harry: We're in a bloody parody of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, for Merlin's sake! We're doing the kind of stuff Bill and Ted did.

Ron: Who are Bill and Ted?!

Harry: Characters in a movie.

Ron: What's a movie?

Harry: A Muggle picture that moves.

Ron: I thought Muggle pictures didn't move.

Harry: They do if Muggles use the right kind of Camera.

Ron: Why are we doing this, really?

Harry: Because GreenLily decided to sit down at her computer and write this.

Ron: Who's GreenLily?

Harry: One of THEM.

Ron: THEM?

Harry: The fan fiction writers.

Ron: What's a fan fiction writer?

Harry: People who cannot wait for book five to come out so they write their own versions of how our lives are going to go. It's sorta like they put us under the imperius curse.

Ron: So that's why we've all been shagging Draco so much.

Harry: You got it.

(they both shudder.)

Ron: And why Sirius and Professor Lupin and your mom keep shagging Snape--hey, wait a minute! Isn't it illegal for them to use the imperius curse on us? We need to throw all these fan fiction writers into Azkaban.

GreenLily: I'd like to see you try!

Ron: Who said that?

GreenLily: It is I, the one who writes this riddikulus parody! You can't throw us in Azkaban. It is an imaginary place to us and we fan fiction writers have our own very special brand of magic: keyboards. Muuhuhuhuhuhu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: Sorry, GreenLily. Ron is just now becoming aware of this fan fiction thing.

GreenLily: That's okay, I still love you guys!

(Ron's ears turn pink, but he looks pleased. He begins to smooth his hair.)

GreenLily: Sorry, Ron. I just don't love you that way. You guys are too young for me. Remus and Sirius on the other hand...Grrrrr!!!

Ron: Hey! It was bad enough you made us all watch Filch have sex with Mrs. Norris-

Harry: See, he's catching on already.

GreenLily: Quick learner, that one is!

Ron: Do you have to indulge us in your fantasies too?

GreenLily: No, I have to figure out who you guys are going to get for your History of Magic Report and how I'm going to get Dobby here to help you guys pass the report and save the future.

Harry: Oh crap! Dobby's going to help us?

(Harry grabs his arm and looks imploringly at GreenLily.)

GreenLily: Don't worry, Harry. You don't break anything in this fic. I have to figure out what I'm going to do next with this piece of crap. Until then; Harry, go snog with Ginny. Ron, go snog with Hermione.

Harry and Ron: Excellent!

GreenLily: That's the spirit.