Muggling Through

Plane Boring

Severus Snape looked around at his surroundings in distaste. How Muggles survived in this strange environment was quite beyond him - he could not imagine the idea of travelling without the Floo, broomsticks, Portkeys and Apparation. He was sitting on a hard, uncomfortable chair in the 'departure lounge' at Heathrow airport. Directly opposite him was a crying, runny-nosed toddler (repulsive) and its parents, who seemed to be quite happy to put up with their offspring's unsociable racket. Snape had never liked small children; in fact, he loathed them with all of his heart (and to think that some people actually claimed that he didn't have one). While he had never enjoyed teaching, he felt that the bad-tempered adolescents he was forced to teach were infinitely preferable to infants.

He had been here for the past three and a half hours. Typical of anything Muggle, the aeroplane was late. Impatiently, he thought back over his day, possibly his worst since the end of the second war. He had unwillingly dragged himself from his warm bed at four o'clock that morning so that they would be on time for this flight. He had then attempted to shower and dress at that unearthly hour before meeting an equally sleepy Minerva in the kitchens. A jovial house-elf had served them perfectly cooked, if rather generous, helpings of scrambled egg and bacon before they had to leave. The pair had Apparated to a disused house near to the airport, rented by local wizards for that purpose, where they met up with Ron and Hermione. Ron, Snape had been pleased to see, was obviously not a morning person; however, Hermione looked offensively happy and alert.

When they had arrived at the airport, Hermione informed them that they would be expected to leave their luggage. That hadn't particularly bothered Snape, as long as he got his suitcase back undamaged. What had upset them all were the 'Luggage Guidelines', which stated that dangerous items such as guns, knives and sharp objects had to be stored in hold luggage rather than in the cabin itself. Hermione, looking suddenly worried, had picked up a leaflet, which seemed to contain the small print. The guidelines clearly indicated that they could not bring their wands onto the plane with them. It was ironic that Muggles had innocently managed to ban something as dangerous as wands. Consequently, his ebony and dragon heartstring wand, which had never left his side since its purchase, had disappeared with his case, on some sort of moving belt and was now sitting in a Muggle plane out of his reach. Without it he felt totally helpless - had Muggles no respect for the rights of wizards? It was an outrage.

Now he was sitting in this room, which was full of Muggles. The rest of the party seemed to be making their own entertainment: Hermione was sitting on one of those awful chairs reading a Muggle novel, while Ron was engrossed in watching aeroplanes taking off and landing. Snape couldn't believe it. Okay, Ron had never been the sharpest tool in the box when he was at Hogwarts, but he was no Neville Longbottom either. Merlin, how on Earth could he be amused by mere transport for so long? Minerva was also holding a book, having been introduced to Muggle-style crosswords that morning by Hermione. Snape failed to see what was so enjoyable about guessing clues and then filling in boxes.

"Remind me again why I agreed to do this," he demanded of Minerva.

"A good many reasons," Hermione said, before Minerva had a chance to respond. "Firstly, it's near-impossible to Apparate overseas, and anyway, we can't suddenly appear out of nowhere in front of a town full of Muggles - imagine if one of us splinched! International Portkeys take forever to legalise, what with all the security issues involved with going abroad, and everybody knows that the Floo network is useless if water is involved - especially something as huge as the Atlantic. How else are we supposed to get there - on broomsticks? Swimming?"

While he was trying to decide between two equally cutting replies, a female voice over the Public Address system announced that it was time for them to board their plane. Hermione quickly put her book into the bag she was carrying and retrieved their (transfigured) documentation and the little pastel-coloured pieces of card she had referred to as 'boarding passes'. They were then expected to stand in a queue of jostling Muggles (so uncivilised) before walking along a small tunnel onto the aeroplane itself. Snape had been reluctantly impressed by the aeroplanes' size, but once inside one, he was appalled by the lack of space. Hermione, though, seemed to be quite at ease and chatted happily with an attendant as their documentation was inspected.

Snape looked the air hostess up and down in distaste. He supposed that a lesser man might have appreciated the tightly fitted uniform with its short skirt, but he was disgusted. Honestly, how could anybody consider that Muggle suit attractive? And her hair... obviously a very cheap potion, judging by the dark roots. Fortunately, his Death Eater days had taught him some self-control.

Hermione finally ceased her small talk and handed over their boarding passes and passports. The flight attendant then led them down the aisle to their seats. They passed a group of good quality seats, which didn't actually appear to be as bad as Severus had expected - perhaps these Muggles were slightly better than he had given them credit for? However, much to his anger, they were taken past these to a group of smaller, more cramped and much less comfortable looking seats. Why couldn't bloody tight-fisted Albus have paid for decent seats? Three of them were in a row, while the fourth was on its own behind. Unsurprisingly, the three Gryffindors chose to sit together, leaving him sitting alone. Not that he was disappointed by this, of course - seven hours enduring Ronald Weasley could easily be more than his heart could take. He sat in his seat without knowing who his travelling companions would be for quite some time. Finally, however, he watched a couple walk towards him, hand in hand. They were laughing together over something; Severus had no idea what it was, but he was certain that they were going to annoy him throughout his journey. After all, most people did.

After what felt like an age, the flight attendants stationed themselves along the aisle. One of their number began to speak while the others gestured, illustrating her lecture. It was rather odd, but Severus paid very careful attention, since they seemed to be talking about safety aboard the plane. He was annoyed by the couple next to him, who seemed to think that they had better things to do than to listen to a routine safety talk. It was hardly surprising that children were so inattentive during Potions lessons, if that was what they were exposed to. It was that sort of irresponsibility that led to exploding cauldrons (except in the case of Longbottom, when explosions were inevitable, regardless of precautions).

Eventually, the talk ended, leaving Snape feeling much more informed about safety on a Muggle aeroplane. The cabin crew soon sat down, and the plane began to move. It was - disconcerting.

Flying vehicles were commonplace in the wizarding world, but his only experiences had involved broomsticks. He well remembered Sirius Black's motorbike, purchased soon after the Marauders and Snape had left school. Oh yes, Severus had been doing serious, if minor, work in Potions research, while Black and Potter made a fortune out of selling frivolous rubbish at their joke shop. And then, of course, there had been Arthur Weasley's car...

Severus very much enjoyed the view as the plane began to rise - not that he would have ever admitted it. Minerva, however, did not seem to be having half as much fun. She looked to be suffering from nausea and after a brief conversation with Hermione, she began to move her jaw around and swallow in a most odd way. Severus almost believed that he heard talk of 'ears popping', but that was impossible, surely? Not even Muggles could have invented transport that was that dangerous. Severus continued to stare out of the window. Broomsticks could never go very high, despite the tales of teenage boys, and he had never looked down on the world like this. Eventually, the view was covered by cloud. He sat back, taking little interest in his surroundings until his sharp black eyes picked out the in-flight magazine in front of him. Like Hermione, he had never been able to resist the lure of anything readable and he quickly grabbed it, skimming quickly through the contents. One article caught his eye, and he flipped through the magazine to it: The Magic of Harry Potter. Compared to the rest of the magazine, it looked worth reading, so he quickly leafed through to find the relevant pages.

What was there struck even him as hysterically funny. The three in front turned and stared at him; Ron in particular looked shocked that Snape was actually capable of laughter.

"What is it?" Minerva demanded.

Severus quickly hid his uncharacteristic grin (Can't have them thinking I might have a sense of humour) and said, "Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four." Hermione quickly pounced on her own copy of the large magazine and giggled when she saw the pages in front of her. The article was promoting the newest Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. To celebrate its release the following month, the airline was showing the first of the films. How could the horrors that their world had endured be considered 'entertainment' and made into films for Muggle children? The article had interviews with the three young actors who were playing Harry and his friends. They weren't very convincing, though - the girl playing Hermione was pretty, for Merlin's sake, while the 'Ron' lacked his distinctive long nose. And where was Harry's appalling acne? Maybe he hadn't mentioned that in the books...

On finishing the article, Severus sat up straighter and sighed loudly. From in front, he heard Ron doing the same thing, and demanding, "Are we nearly there yet?" Hermione had the good sense to ignore him.

Snape watched as flaps folded down from the ceiling to reveal blank grey squares, which suddenly crackled into life. For a moment they showed nothing but black with little bright dots, but they soon arranged themselves into a picture of a woman dressed in the cabin crew's uniform.

The figure recapped the safety procedures aboard the 'seven four seven', whatever that might be, and then went on to tell them about 'DVT' and how it could be avoided. Severus listened carefully and watched with rapt attention as the exercises were demonstrated. He quickly resolved to perform them regularly. He stood up to walk down the aisle as the woman advised, not realising that he had an audience until he heard a snigger that could only belong to a Weasley; he looked down to meet three very amused faces.

"You realise that nobody actually does those exercises, don't you Pr - Snape? Trust me, I've flown lots of times without difficulty." Hermione sounded authoritative, but there was also a strong hint of amusement in her voice. "People also drink alcohol on flights without problems - they do have it, you know." Snape glared at her, although his ears had pricked up at the word 'alcohol'. Was there any chance at all that these retarded Muggles sold Firewhisky? Nevertheless, despite the trio's amusement, he was determined to do the recommended exercises - they would regret their laughter when they were suffering from 'DVT', whatever it was, and he was in perfect health. He continued smugly, ignoring the chuckles from the other seat.

The screen above his seat again came to life, and the film began. It was Snape's first experience of a Muggle film, and he wondered what to expect. It had the potential to be anything from bizarre to humorous to horribly insulting.

The film began by showing Potter with his Muggle relatives, and seemed to be attempting to create an impression of a neglected and unhappy childhood. Potter had no idea! The scene showing Diagon Alley was inaccurate: the shops were the wrong sizes and in the wrong places while many were missing altogether. The wizards were also strange. Mr Ollivander, for instance, seemed to have been designed to alarm the Muggle audiences, whereas in fact, he was generally rather pleasant. And who was the half-giant playing Hagrid? The inaccuracies got steadily worse: the Hogwarts Express was the wrong shade of red, the sweets had the wrong wrappers, and the film certainly did not do the castle justice. The strangest part of all, however, came when he saw the actor who was playing himself. It was a - strange - experience. Initially he was pleased when he saw his own first lesson. His speech had taken him weeks to write and he was truly proud of it. The result was a talk that both educated and intimidated the students, but the Muggles had ruined it.

He watched the film through to its conclusion, as did his three companions. Minerva seemed fascinated, later explaining that it was both educational and oddly enchanting to see what Muggles had made of their way of life. Ron seemed amused, but looked tense whenever that rat was shown. Hermione was the one who seemed the most annoyed by it and had a long list of objections, although her chief criticism was that the actor playing Snape was too attractive. That, Severus thought, was just plain predictable.

Soon after the film finished, the food trolley arrived. He recalled Hermione's warning that the food tended to be 'inedible', but dismissed it. In his experience, food from these trolleys tended to be excellent. Unfortunately, his experience was of the trolley on the Hogwarts Express, and was a far cry from the standard of Muggle aeroplane meals.

His hunger and the pleasure at the arrival of food made him uncharacteristically polite to the male flight attendant who served him. He chose the option of lasagne, one of his favourite dishes, but was rather puzzled when he saw a plastic tray with compartments in it. He certainly preferred meals courtesy of the house-elves, with china plates and metal cutlery. He had barely begun to peel the plastic film off the top of his tray when he overheard a whispered remark from the man to a woman who was helping him distribute the food. "Wow, isn't that dark-haired guy cute? I think he fancies me!" Severus gasped in enraged shock (Cute!?), much to the amusement of Minerva, who seemed to have also overheard the comment. Severus dedicated a moment to glare at her and thus failed to hear the woman's response, and the man's next remark didn't leave him any the wiser: "It's aquiline, Debs!"

Snape was appalled, but attempted to eat his meal as though nothing had happened. Nevertheless, judging by the looks that Ron kept shooting him, he had not heard the last of the little - incident. The meal was weird and totally unlike anything he had ever eaten before. The 'lasagne' did seem to contain pasta, but it was covered in a strange yellow sauce and surrounded by odd-tasting vegetables. The peculiar pasta was accompanied by a bread roll that tasted equally unnatural and a chocolate mousse that was strangely solid, followed by a thick black liquid masquerading as coffee. Perhaps Miss Granger had been correct about the quality of airline meals after all. Typical. At least the alcohol was acceptable.

Half-heartedly he performed the recommended exercises for what seemed like the millionth time that day, before sitting back in frustration. His back hurt, his head ached - he generally felt better after a long day of teaching. He was relieved when he saw the large grey trolley coming back down the aisle again, loaded with more Muggle drinks. He absently thanked the air hostess as she gave him rather liberal amounts of whisky and sat back in his seat to drink it.

-----§-----

Snape blinked suddenly, feeling disorientated. Right in front of him, Ron Weasley was craning around to look at him, looking gleeful.

"Did you enjoy your nap, Snape?" he demanded. Severus felt puzzled and didn't respond, so Ron continued, "You do snore rather loudly, you know, Professor. And you drooled... Just thought you ought to know."

The brat then turned round again, ignoring Hermione's disapproving look. Snape was still trying to get his bearings when forms were distributed for the passengers to fill in. Severus glanced at his, feeling puzzled until the man beside him pointed out that it was "for security, don't you know anything?" in a discourteous fashion that was typical of a damn Muggle. And he was facing three days in one of their hotels...how would he cope?

He glanced back to the immigration form in front of him, skim-reading it until he noticed a question about organised crime. Panicking, he tapped Hermione on the shoulder and hissed, "The Death Eaters! Does that count as 'organised criminal activity'?" She looked equally upset, then thoughtful before shaking her head.

"No, it isn't on record in the Muggle world. The Death Eater stuff would cause all sorts of awkward questions... More trouble than it's worth... Leave it." He nodded, following her advice gratefully, completing the form and signing it in his usual spiky, uneven hand. The forms were then collected in. Snape was relieved when an announcement was made soon after. The plane was landing. Cheerful at last, Snape leaned around his companions and looked out of the window and got his first glimpse of Logan International Airport.

They had arrived in Muggle America.