Cheesy Grins and Pink Things

Cheesy grins and pink things

"Professor, are we all needed for the meeting? Isn't there any way one of us can stay?" said McGonagall concerned.

"I'm afraid none of us shall be able to stay Minerva, we are all required to attend this meeting, it is for the welfare of the school and the students after all. I will not have Dementors hanging around at the front gates again!" Dumbledore replied.

Only yesterday he had received an owl from the Ministry of Magic declaring that Dementors would be placed at the school gates, in fear that Lord Voldemort would try and find Harry Potter. Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape were all required to leave the school for three days. This meaning they would either have to send the pupils home, or replace the vacancies with temporary staff.

"Well, we can't close down the school, that's just stupid, all of these students going home for a few days then coming all the way back," said McGonagall concerned.

"Minerva, you don't have to say everything in a concerned tone," Snape butted in, sounding concerned, "enough of this nonsense!"

"Yes well, I agree, that is why I have put advertisements in the Daily Prophet for a substitute Headmaster, Transfiguration teacher and a Potions professor," said Dumbledore. The others nodded.

Snape stood up and walked towards the parchment Dumbledore was holding. It had the advertisement he had put in the Daily Prophet on it.

'Wanted! Potions professor for three days at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Must be able to brew glory, bottle fame and even put a stopper in death. Contact Albus Dumbledore for more information.'

Snape gave a small grunt that showed his satisfaction and left the room. McGonagall also strode over to Dumbledore's desk and read the parchment.

'Wanted! Transfiguration specialist at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Required for three days. Must be able to transfigure things.'

She also gave a small noise that showed her approval. She too left and Dumbledore looked at the remaining advert.

'Wanted! Temporary headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Needed for three days. Preferably someone who has a background in leadership and a friendly manner.'

Dumbledore smiled and put the parchment into his drawer.

Meanwhile in the Great Hall Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville were all eating breakfast. Ron had just received a letter from his mum telling him off for feeding Hermes (Percy's owl) a Canary Cream. Now it can't deliver letters due to its er, 'new appearance' and Percy was non-too pleased.

The teacher's table had a few er, teachers on it including Madam Hooch, Professor Flitwick and Professor Quirrel.

"Professor Quirrel!" shouted Harry, "you're in the wrong story mate! You're supposed to be er...dead."

"Am I? Oh I am sorry, I'm awfully confused lately, what with having a Dark Lord glued to the other side of my head!" Quirrel replied, he left the Great Hall just as Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape walked in. Dumbledore gestured for quiet and when the hall was silent he began to speak.

"Students, teachers and Filch. Unfortunately, I shall be leaving the school for a few days due to urgent Ministry of Magic needs."

The students groaned, Dumbledore was definitely one of their favourite teachers and they didn't want him to leave.

"Also joining me will be Professor McGonagall."

More groans were heard and now a few disgruntled students.

"Professor Snape shall also be accompanying me on this short trip."

The noise was incredible; students were literally dancing on the tables cheering. Dumbledore gestured for quiet again and when it was silent he quickly looked at Snape who looked fit to kill someone at that particular moment. He explained the situation and the students returned to their breakfasts.

The following day the students were at breakfast again and Dumbledore came through the oak doors, holding the Sorting hat for some reason. He joined the other teachers at the top table and began to address the students.

"We have pulled in two substitute Professors. Now these may shock you a little but, well they are urgently needed, so, filling the position of Transfiguration professor will be..."

Silence was heard.

"Professor R J Lupin, former Defence against the Dark arts teacher and werewolf."

Cheers from all tables except the Slytherin's.

"Filling my position as Headmaster will be..."

Lee Jordan was getting aggravated.

"Why does he have to wait ten bloody minutes before he cont-"

"Gilderoy Lockhart! Order of Merlin, third class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defence league and 5 times winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award!"

Students such as Hermione jumped for joy, Harry and Ron on the other hand and the same hand looked horrified at the news.

"Lockhart! Again! I can't cope!" shouted Ron as he left the Hall in disgust.

"Now," Dumbledore continued, "I'm guessing that you're all guessing who I was guessing you were guessing the new Potions professor will be, well we couldn't find anyone willing enough to actually stay in Professor Snape's dungeons, so we put every name of every student above the third years in the school into a hat."

He picked up the Sorting Hat from the table.

"And the lucky student is..."

"Not me, please god not me!" prayed Harry,

"Harry Potter!"

"What!" shouted Harry horrified, "you are joking right?"

"Not in the slightest, congratulations Harry, you have the er, pleasure of staying in a roomy dungeon with jars of stuff on the walls and one slit for a window, how do you feel?" said Dumbledore in a cheesy game-show host style voice.

"NO!" screamed Harry as he fell to the floor.

When Harry awoke he wasn't on the comfort of his dormitory or in the hospital wing. He was in a dull and dreary room, which looked like a cell. It had all sorts of stuff in jars. This told Harry where he was. He heard someone shuffle and Harry sat upright. Severus Snape was sat in an old chair in the corner of the room packing his bag.

"What am I doing in here?" Harry asked.

Snape obviously hadn't heard him get up and nearly fell of his chair when Harry had spoken.

"You are here with thanks to Professor Dumbledore who thinks it is wise for me to show you around these quarters so you are familiar with them."

"Oh he can't be serious about this," said Harry in disbelief.

"Unfortunately he is, now I have left a plan of what you must do in each lesson, you'll have to miss most of your other classes to teach, I have worked it out that you will make two classes a day, they will be Charms and Transfiguration. Tell Lupin I wish him luck, he's going to need it," Snape said in his usual greasy way.

"I will, so erm, are you going to show me around then?" Harry asked, now standing up and prodding the jars on the shelves.

"I must ask you not to prod those Mr. Potter, you have no idea what will happen if those Clouditium eggs are interfered with. I accidentally knocked one once and the effects were treacherous."

"What happened?" asked Harry intrigued.

"Never you mind, now, follow me," said Snape glaring, he gestured Harry to follow him and Harry did so. "Right then, this is the bathroom."

Harry looked in, he had never seen anything that looked less like a bathroom, it was a space with a random metal tub, a toilet and a-

"Bird bath?" said Harry confused.

"Yes?" said Snape, obviously unaware that birdbaths were not supposed to be used as basins. Snape led him to another part of the dungeons. "This here is the 'marking zone', you bring work here and mark it, work is NOT to be taken beyond this area. Trust me, I will know if it has or not."

"Why is there a 'marking zone'?" asked Harry, saying it exactly how Snape just had.

"Because.... there is!" Snape bellowed. "Now! This here is the sleeping quarters, that is a bed and you sleep on it. No female... or male company for that matter," said Snape, giving Harry a searching look.

Harry obviously aware of what Snape was thinking lowered his voice and tried to look a bit more buff than usual.

"Yeah, right well, I think that's it then Professor," said Harry in a voice that made him sound like he had a vocal disease or something.

"Very well Mr. Potter. If you need anything at all, just call on Professor Flitwick. He's been down here enough."

"What?" Harry spluttered, absolutely shocked at what he had just heard.

"Oh no! He, I mean he, we mark our work in these quarters," Snape said quickly, trying to put on a buff voice that also made him sound like he had a disease of some sort.

At teatime the students were seated in the Great Hall awaiting their substitute teachers. Harry stood with Dumbledore at the teacher's table.

"Now, myself and Professors McGonagall and Snape shall be leaving shortly. Gilderoy Lockhart is er, somewhere and Professor Lupin is just over...there." Dumbledore said, pointing towards the main doors. Remus walked in looking a lot healthier than usual. He had his old briefcase with him and gave a big grin to Ron, Hermione and Harry as he approached the teacher's table.

"Hello Professor Dumbledore, Professor Potter," he said, winking at Harry.

"Hello Remus, Gilderoy will be here shortly so I must ask you to look after the place until then, we must leave immediately."

"Oh yes, indeed Professor," said Lupin sitting down in his seat, Harry followed suit and Dumbledore left with McGonagall and Snape.

"I'm here!" A self-loving voice came from the great hall doors. "Miss me?"

Gilderoy asked the students. Many of the female students batted their eyelids at him and sighed lovingly. Ron on the other hand just stared at the corny self-worshipper and turned to talk to Harry. He then remembered that his best friend was at the teacher's table.

"So Harry...how do you feel?" Lupin asked him.

"I don't want to do this, I have to stay in Snape's room! Do you know how gross that is? He's got crap on the walls and a bird bath!" Harry moaned.

Lupin looked sympathetic and a little confused at the birdbath comment, but the conversation ended as Lockhart strolled up to the top table.

"Right then, you'll see tomorrow that there are going to be a lot of changes around here, for one thing...we're going to brighten the place up!" Lockhart screamed, cheers from the girls, groans from the boys.

"What does he mean by 'we'?" Ron asked Dean in disgust. Dean shook his head and looked just as appalled as Ron.

The tables filled with food and Harry noticed that the teachers ate amazing food everyday. Lobster and caviar? Lupin tucked into his meal and although the food was great Harry longed to sit with his friends at the Gryffindor table.

"Wonder what my dad would have thought of this," Harry said, Lupin looked up.

"He wouldn't have believed it, his own son replacing his arch enemy. He would've been bloody proud though," said Lupin grinning. "You'll have to let Sirius know," he added. Harry nodded.

Harry was just about to join Ron and Hermione to go back to the Gryffindor common room when Ron pointed out that he should be in that 'hell hole'.

"Oh yeah, I can't get used to this," said Harry, he changed direction and walked towards the Pit of Doom, er, I mean Snape's room.

Harry walked inside. He had no idea if Snape had jinxed the place so that if he stepped in the wrong area or 'looked' at the wrong thing he would be attacked by a, well, something dodgy.

Harry changed and climbed into the bed. He felt very strange and thought that sleeping on the floor might feel better. Before he could stop to rethink his sleeping arrangements he felt something rustle on the bed.

"Oh dear god, what is that?" said Harry, sounding terrified.

He slowly got up and grabbed a book off the table behind him. Without thinking he started bashing the bed and duvet with a book conveniently labeled 'It's not what you hit, it's the way that you hit it'. Harry soon realised that there was nothing on the bed but-

"A note?" He reached for the note and read it,

Mr. Potter,

I suspect that you have bashed my bed to pieces by now after thinking this note was an animal of some sort.

"How does he know!"

In any case, I must ask you to do one thing for me whilst you are lodging in my quarters. Please can you water the plant behind you...you must drop three drops of water onto the third leaf from the bottom and recite these words:

Ickle Wickle Planty

Oh grow for me now

If you don't grow soon I'll be annoyed

And feed you to a cow.

Thank you

Professor Severus Snape.

"What the hell? No way am I saying that," Harry reached for the water dropper thingy and dropped three drops onto the third leaf from the bottom. "Right done." He clambered back into bed and fell asleep.

Harry awoke early the following morning. He got up and went to the 'bathroom', changed into his robes and headed for breakfast. When he reached the Great Hall he found he was the only one there apart from Professor Flitwick.

Without thinking he sat at the Gryffindor table and awaited his food. Nothing came. Harry staggered to the teacher's table and sat down. Almost immediately large helpings of food were on his plate and Harry ate them (no really? I wondered what you did with food).

Professor Flitwick said hello and soon after, students began poring into the Great Hall. About an hour later the Hall was full and Lupin arrived, moments later so did Gilderoy.

"That Gilderoy Lockhart, right vain sod!" Lupin exclaimed to Harry. He nodded in agreement.

"Students, students!" shouted Lockhart. "I noticed that none of you have been outside yet so when you do, do not be alarmed. It's supposed to look like that." The students looked confused. The staff even more so. Without thinking Harry jumped up and ran outside Hogwarts. What he saw, he would never want to see again.

"What the hell did you do to Hogwarts you great corny man!?" Harry screamed, many other students joined him.

"Well, you might not like it now, but it will grow on you I swear," said Lockhart cheerfully.

"If you don't change it you'll have things growing on you!" Harry shouted, many students nodded in agreement.

"Well I think that pink is a great colour for your learning establishment to be," said Lockhart, the others looked at him in disbelief.

"Pink! Pink Lockhart! It's a bloody school not a sixties hang out pad!" Lupin shouted, "what spell did you use?!"

"Spell? Oh no no, this was done by hand. I had those little creatures in the kitchens paint it with that Muggle stuff."

"Oh no," Ron groaned, others joined him. The students returned inside where they had no fear of being blinded and headed to their first classes. Harry found out that he was teaching some second year Hufflepuffs in a minute so he headed off for his first lesson.

He approached the classroom and saw about fifteen students sitting there chattering. He warily entered the dungeon and nervously smiled at them. They glared at him waiting. Harry saw a little note on the table, it read:

Mr. Potter

Your notes for the following days are in the drawer behind you, the combination is 317.

Professor Severus Snape.

Harry unlocked the drawer and pulled out a little booklet complete with the next few days work in it. He opened it at the first page and began.

"Now, er, ahem, please turn to page fourteen of your textbooks and read the chapter about Hufflepuffsarestupid potion."

They looked at him in disgust and one of them threw the textbook at him, Harry looked shocked and read it again.

"Oh ha ha ha very funny Snape," he said sarcastically, "right, er, okay, please read that page whilst I figure out to get through these days alive," muttered Harry; the Hufflepuffs did so whilst throwing him mean stares and the occasional quill every so often.

Harry's first lesson was an absolute failure. The Hufflepuffs were thoroughly annoyed when Harry told them to learn about 'Hufflepuffsshould showermore potion' and its components.

After the lesson ended Harry attended Transfiguration and slumped into a chair in the middle of the class. Lupin arrived and looked just as nervous as Harry did earlier. Lupin had NO experience in transfiguration but was the only substitute available at such short notice.

"Right class, take out your wands!"

They did so.

"Now point them at the frog thingy on your desks."

They did as they were told and awaited further instructions.

"Erm, right, say these words, 'transform-o into a dazzling-o beauty-o'."

Confused and even more confused they said the strange compound of words. Hermione said hers first and just as she finished there was a poof of smoke and the door flew open.

"Lupin, I was just wondering, have you seen my hairbrush lying around here?" asked Lockhart hopefully.

"No, and would you mind leaving, I'm trying to teach here!" Lupin said, glaring. Lockhart left disgruntled and Hermione looked over to Remus.

"Sir, do I get awarded for my result?"

"Not for that you don't Hermione," Lupin continued. Harry pointed his wand at the frog and performed the spell.

"Well, it's not a prince Harry, but er, I'll give you marks for your effort." Lupin smiled, trying not to laugh.

"Well I'd like to see you try!" He said grinning. Harry tried to remove the ostrich from his desk with no success.

Throughout the lesson twelve more ostriches were made from frogs. Lupin was checking the textbook for help, but with no success. In the end he declared the lesson a great accomplishment and gave everyone five points.

They left the lesson feeling they had learnt nothing...just how they liked it.

"What have we got now?" Ron asked.

"Charms." Harry said to Ron. They wandered to the Charms corridor and entered the classroom. They came out about forty minutes later feeling weighed down with knowledge in their brains.

"Right well, I'll er see you tomorrow Ron," said Harry.

"Aren't you coming to dinner Harry?"

"Nope, I'm knackered, I'm going to go and rest," he said, realising he sounded like a real teacher. He walked to the Pit of Doom, sorry, Snape's room and entered it feeling more depressed. His students hated him and his hair felt greasy. He also had a feeling that Draco had been looking at him in a friendlier manner lately.

"Oh hell! I'm turning into Snape! No, no, no!" shouted Harry, he looked at the lesson plan for the following day. "Right, sod this, I'm going to have my own lessons!"

He opened a book and wrote notes, he wrote more notes and more. He stayed up until midnight writing about Rumanium seeds and what they are used for. Then he went to the jars on the shelves and looked for the Rumanium seeds.

"Aha! Gotcha." He pulled them from the shelf and put them on the desk for the following morning.

He clambered into bed and fell to sleep, he dreamt that Voldemort was after him; Harry was running as fast as he could. Butterbeer was falling from the sky, which was an upside to the dream. Voldemort was catching him up...

Harry awoke quickly, it was three in the morning, eventually he fell back to sleep but elsewhere in the school there were stranger things happening. No, not Gilderoy Lockhart downing beer and yelling at a Jerry Springer show. Remus Lupin practicing transfiguration. When Remus was at school the only lesson he had failed on was transfiguration. He was useless at it. He stayed up until five in the morning then he too went to bed for a few hours.

Despite his late night/morning Lupin looked very awake when Harry saw him in the Great Hall.

"Y'allright Harry?" He asked,

"Yeah, you?" Harry replied, they both shared the same expression. Failure. Lupin was quite shocked to see that the students were sitting on some fetching pink cushions instead of their usual house tables and seats.

"Ah well, at least we tried," said Lupin trying to ignore the lurid pink cushions and whilst reaching for the bread rolls.

Lockhart entered the hall in his usual cheesy mood. Many students now just ignored him after the pink Hogwarts, which still hadn't been fixed! He strode up to the teacher's table and threw a cheesy grin at all of the staff. All including Harry gave him a piercing stare as if to say 'sit down and shut the hell up'.

Lockhart had another surprise, what was it this time? Valentine's day early? Maybe Christmas had come early? No, no, no, no, Lockhart had done the unthinkable...he had molded this essential part of Hogwarts to his own style. What had he done?

"Holy mother of Merlin!" Lupin cried as he gazed out of the window, the other students and teachers looked over.

"Lockhart! What the hell have you done!?" Harry shouted, sounding just like-

"Snape?" said Remus confused; Harry sat down with a horrified look on his face.

"Oh my god, what's happening to me?" said Harry distraught.

"Forget you, what about the Quidditch pitch!" shouted Ron as he ran up to the teacher's table. Lockhart decided to give the Quidditch field and stands his own little touch. The stands were now forget-me-not blue and purple instead of house colours, the grass had been covered with a giant image of Lockhart. There were cheerleaders in the stands singing a 'We love Gilderoy' song and how could you miss the giant television screen reading 'Gilderoy was 'ere'.

The students gazed horrified. The boys may have found the cheerleaders cute...if the cheerleaders hadn't been fifty years old!

"You don't have to thank me!" said Lockhart oblivious to the hundreds of faces staring at him with angry looks.

Harry and Ron were too mad to even argue. Harry set off for his second lesson with-

"Fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors."

He didn't know whether to be scared or happy. He got to the potions dungeon early and set out his things. He had made his own notes and had the necessary equipment to make this a lesson to remember. Oh and how it was!

The students entered the classroom. Draco Malfoy glared at Harry and sat down. Harry had permission to give detentions but not take or give house points. Harry knew that if Draco crossed the line, Snape would know about it.

"Right then class, today we will be learning about-"

"Sir! Sir! Professor Potter sir!" Malfoy called from the back row.

"What is it Malfoy?" Harry asked, Draco grinned,

"Oh, nothing sir,"

"Right, well, er, where was I? Oh yeah, today we're going to be learning about-"

"Professor Potter!" Malfoy called again, Crabbe and Goyle laughing in the seats behind him.

"What now Malfoy?!" said Harry getting aggravated.

"Oh nothing sir!" Draco called again. Harry stood and stared at him for a moment.

"Get out Malfoy," he said. Malfoy stared at him in disbelief.

"What? You can't kick me out!"

"I can and I am. Professor Snape will hear about this and for the mean time you can report to Professor Lockhart and let him 'punish' you in his own special way."

"Oh god please! Anything but Lockhart!"

"Out!" Harry shouted again.

"Fine! Just you wait! My father will hear about this!" Draco bellowed from the back of the dungeon.

Harry simply pointed towards the door looking very teacher like. When Malfoy had left the Gryffindors laughed and the Slytherins seemed to shrink in their seats.

"Now as I was saying," Harry continued. His lesson continued with great success, everyone followed instructions and soon they reached the final stage of the experiment.

"Okay, now you have to be careful when you add the Clouditium eggs," Harry said carefully adding his. Everyone copied and was told to wait a few minutes before recording the results. To pass the time they looked through the slits in the walls out onto the grounds of Hogwarts.

"Oh my god! What the hell is Lockhart playing at!?" Ron suddenly cried, everyone rushed towards him and looked out of the slit.

"The lake! What's he doing? Why is Malfoy driving a bulldozer!?" shouted Lavender Brown.

"To the lake!" Cried Neville, he ran from the classroom and the others followed him.

Harry running alongside of them like a Quidditch seeker after the Snitch, like an owl chasing its prey, gliding along them with- oh sod this, he ran next to them.

They reached the lake just in time before Malfoy drove the bulldozer into the ground.

"Stop!" shouted Harry, Lockhart looked up. He was wearing a hard hat and holding a clipboard.

"Ah Harry, well, what do you think? I thought that this school needed swimming facilities and because I wanted a swim."

"Swimming?! We're here to learn magic and anyway if we fell in, the squid would push us out again," Harry continued, he sounded just like a teacher.

"Ah well, I like it and considering I am in charge of this school at the moment I will do what I like young man! You may have defeated the Dark Lord at a young age but at one year old I had already won a beauty contest! I need to keep in shape!" cried Lockhart, his voice reaching a higher level.

Harry shrugged, looked at the others and nodded. Gryffindors and Slytherins alike pushed Lockhart into the lake and threw Malfoy from the bulldozer.

After putting Draco in a full body bind and discovering that Lockhart couldn't actually swim they returned to the school and headed back for the dungeons to collect their things for the following classes.

BOOM!

"Oh that did not sound good," Ron said quietly to Hermione. They looked at Harry's face and followed him into the dungeon, well, what was left of it.

"Oh dear lord," Harry whimpered.

"It's not that bad Harry, just a lick of paint here and there, a bit over there too. Bit more in that corner...yeah not too bad." Ron said, trying to sound helpful. Harry stared into the smoke that filled the room.

It was covered in a thick black and yellow goop and it smelled badly of eggs.

"Snape is going to kill me, absolutely kill me," said Harry very quietly.

"Yeah I think he is too," said Ron, Hermione elbowing him in the ribs. The other students had decided to head for Transfiguration without their books. Harry, Ron and Hermione trudged along after them.

They had just that second entered the classroom when they were sent out again by Lupin and given a free period.

"No point staying in here, you'll end up like that if you're not careful," said Lupin pointing towards Neville who had cauliflower growing out of his head.

"He got in the way of a 'table to chair' spell," said Remus sounding disappointed.

"Er, well..." Harry didn't know what to say. He turned around and walked with the others to the fields outside. They were sat down talking and reassuring Harry when a loud sound could be heard from the main gates.

"What on earth?"

"Oh my god!"

Two of the school's most respectable teachers and Snape had just arrived at the front of the school in a truck labeled 'Cowboy Joe's genuine cars'.

Dumbledore climbed from the vehicle and helped McGonagall out. Snape paid the man some Muggle money and also climbed out of the truck. With a flick of his wand Dumbledore performed a memory charm on the Muggle and he drove away.

The teachers approached the students who were sitting lazily on the grass.

"What on earth is going on here?" asked McGonagall concerned.

"Er, well, Professor Lupin was, er, having some, er, difficulties with the transfiguring of some objects. So he sent us outside." One student explained.

"Did he now?" asked Snape slightly grinning.

"Why are you back so early?" Harry asked them, Dumbledore looked at him and smiled.

"Well Harry, everything is sorted so it doesn't matter that were back early. Also, the writer of this fic didn't anticipate you asking that question and therefore doesn't have a very good answer."

Harry stared at him for a moment. Then returned to his conversation about the best ways to escape a headlock.

Dumbledore escorted them into the Great Hall where they were given an early lunch and he went to his study to find out where Lockhart was.

He approached the gargoyle at his office.

"Dr. Fillibuster," he said. Nothing happened. "Oh dear, ok, what kind of password would Lockhart have?" Dumbledore pondered his answer for a while. "I love me?" He said, the gargoyle sprung to life and budged out of the way. Dumbledore climbed the spiral stairs to his office. Surprised? Of course he was.

"Lockhart? Why has my office got a nail salon extension?" asked Dumbledore calmly.

"Well, look at it this way, I need good nails and so do you," said Lockhart, cheesy grin and all.

"Indeed, well when I require a manicure I will let you know, but for the time being I shall remove this and you as your services to this school are no longer needed."

"What?! But the students, they simply love me!" cried Lockhart, Dumbledore led him down the stairs and into the Great Hall.

Lupin was sat down but there was no sign of a concerned McGonagall. Harry sat with the Gryffindors, Snape hadn't yet been into his dungeon, this would give Harry enough time to fly to Hogsmeade on his Firebolt and hide somewhere.

Dumbledore stood at the top table.

"Students, hello again. Well, this is interesting," he said, staring at the pupils lodged on fluffy cushions. "Now, Professors Lockhart and Lupin shall be leaving later today, so I wish to give them a round of applause for their efforts,"

A weak applause was heard for Lupin, most of the students glared at Lockhart, hating him for ruining their school.

"Professor Snape will be returning as Potions master," said Dumbledore; to Snape's great surprise the students applauded and some cheered. Snape seemed worried and looked at Harry who turned and tried not to look suspicious. This was proving difficult as the Weasley twins were humming the 'Pink Panther' theme tune.

The students were attempting to eat their meals from the floor; Dumbledore replaced the cushions with the original seats and tables. Receiving thanks from the Hogwarts pupils.

Lockhart had gone to collect his things; Lupin had said his goodbyes and left before McGonagall could return. When she did, she looked very concerned.

"Minerva, what's the matter?" Snape asked.

"Lupin, I knew he was bad at transfiguration, but no one is that bad!" said McGonagall concerned. "Everything on the corridor has been replaced by an ostrich, a pear or a llama!"

Snape tried to hide his laughter and threw another glance at Harry who was still looking as suspicious as a Hufflepuff with a brain. He didn't mean to look so guilty but it was difficult.

"Right, I am going to go and see the damage in my dungeons," said Snape jokingly to a still concerned McGonagall and Dumbledore. Both of them smiled and so did Snape for once.

Severus made his way towards the classroom, noting the strong smell in the corridors on his way. He reached his classroom and opened the door.

"What the-"

"Sir! I tried to clear-"

"YOU! YOU DID THIS!" Snape bellowed, Harry cowered away.

"I'm sorry, really I am-"

"Sorry can't bring back my collection of rare ingredients from China. Sorry can't bring back my book collection!" shouted Snape, Harry looked at him for a moment. Then he ran out of the door as quick as his legs would carry him.

"Wait 'till I get you Potter! Just you wait!"

Harry ran and he ran and he ran. Eventually he reached the end of the corridor and ran (again) out of the door to Gryffindor tower.

"Damn it!" Harry shouted, "forgot my bloody wand!" He swiftly walked to the dungeons again and tried to hide from sight. He could see his wand lying on Snape's desk. Snape was at the back of the class but Harry couldn't see him that well.

Carefully and quietly Harry crept into the room and made his way to the desk.

"Closeo!" shouted Snape, the door behind Harry slammed shut. Harry made a confused face.

"That's not a real spell! J.K Rowling didn't write that!"

"Well it's a real spell now and would you mind not mentioning the real author as it makes the story lose its realism."

"Sorry, anyway I just er, came back for, er, my wand." Harry picked it up and walked clumsily backwards to the door. He fumbled for the doorknob but the door was locked and he was trapped with Snape.

"Now Potter, there is something we need to talk about," said Snape gesturing Harry to sit down. Reluctantly Harry did so.

"Well, for one my plant Spike is dead!" Snape screamed, Harry hoping he hadn't just seen a tear coming from Snape's eye.

"Oh, yeah ...that," said Harry quietly.

"And for another! You have ruined my classroom now what do you intend to do about this?!"

"Um..." Harry pondered his answer. "Alohomora!" He pointed his wand at the door and it flew open. He ran down the corridor and back up to Gryffindor tower.

Ron was just coming down the stairs.

"Hey Harry! Bad news, we got potions again, Dumbledore said we needed a proper lesson."

"WHAT!" Harry screamed. He groaned as he and Ron walked back towards the dungeons. "This is an outrage!" Harry shouted. Ron looked taken aback and stepped to one side whilst his friend stormed past him.

They arrived at the dungeon. Snape was sat at his oak desk (covered in jars of stuff) and the classroom was back to normal. Harry suspected he had used a cleaning charm of some sort or gotten the house elves to do it for him.

"Sit down," said Snape, his eyes darting towards Harry who tried not to look into Snape's eyes.

Harry and Ron sat down at the back of the class and cowered when Snape walked over to them.

"Spike! How could you do that to him?" He screamed. Ron looked confused. Neville shivered at Snape's voice, which gradually became higher. Dean was picking his nose and Harry stared back at Snape not knowing what to say.

"Um, I er," Harry stuttered, Snape glared at him.

"You killed my plant!" He roared. The students now more informed of the situation looked at Harry then Snape.

"You let him die, just left him to die!" shouted Snape almost crying. The students looked at Harry in disgust and some shook their heads.

"You made up a stupid poem that I had to read, you own a plant and pretend it's your friend!" Harry retorted. The students looked at one another then at Snape.

"I don't care what you say Potter! Leave my classroom! You murdered my best friend and you're not even sorry!"

Harry wasn't the only one who got up to leave. The rest of the students including Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle all got up and followed Harry. They were obviously not too keen on spending their lessons with a crazed maniac who appreciated foliage as a friend.

They went to sit outside. Harry, Ron and Hermione could see Professor Dumbledore roaming the school grounds returning pink things to their original colour. McGonagall turning transfigured objects back to their original form (looking concerned whilst doing so).

Harry turned to Ron and Hermione.

"Y'know, it's amazing that so much can happen in our first week back at school."

They nodded in agreement and looked back at the school to see it was back to normal. Harry replayed the last couple of day's events in his head.

Harry swore he would never teach at Hogwarts again.