The Perils of Being Percy

Percy was on a mission for Madam Umbridge. She'd owled him first thing that morning from Hogwarts with the request that he drop everything he had to do for the day and visit Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley. Saying in her note that she was desperate for some good reference materials that would help her ruin...that is to say run...Hogwarts more effectively in the future. Attached to the memo was a list of books she wanted Percy to pick up and send along.

Standing amidst the hundreds upon hundreds of books in the middle of Flourish and Blotts, Percy read some of the titles on her note. Corporal Punishment and the Incorrigible Student; One Headmistress's Story, The Exercisable Poltergeist and You, plus Winning Ways make for Happy Days; Work Your Way into your Student's Hearts and Minds with a Positive Approach to Discipline.

"Twisted Old-Bat," Percy grumbled low. "Why can't she find a way to torment the students on her own time? It will take me all morning to find these."

It did take all morning, even with Mr. Flourish's enthusiastic help. Staggering under an enormous pile of texts, some that had pictures of things that Percy had never seen before, and never wanted to see again, he brought them to the register and paid for it all with his Ministry of Magic expense card. "That's one small benefit of having to cater to the Ministry day and night," Percy acknowledged glumly. Pocketing the card, grasping his pile of books he headed out the entrance door into Diagon Alley.

Early that morning when he'd entered Flourish and Blotts, the alley had been empty. Crowded as it was now, with a throng of shopkeepers and their customers, negotiating his way to the Post Office would be no simple task. Pausing for a moment, trying to decide which would be the fastest path to the Post Percy noticed that the storefront vacancy across from Flourish and Blotts had been filled. A new sign was going up over the door. I wonder what that'll be. Eager to unload his stack of intellectual excuses for abusing students, and owl them to Umbridge, he didn't want to take time enough to find out. Deciding to come back down tonight with Penny to check it out, Percy wheeled around a potions sellers cart, his book tower teetering precariously.

From that angle, Percy could watch the sign being magically levitated into position. He read every word of it as it was leveled on the facade in front of him. "Oh, no! Not them!" he whispered beneath his breath as he read: Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, proprietors George and Fred Weasley.

His twin brothers had somehow raised enough money to set up their joke shop. And they were doing it right down the Alley from the flat he shared with Penny. "This nightmare just never ends." Percy muttered irascibly. Considering an extremely hasty getaway to gain time enough to recover from the horror, Percy sought a quick escape route. Before he could dodge in either direction he realized that standing on the other side of his book tower, wands out, were the two people he least wanted to see right now. Or at any other time, really, but especially not right now.

"Oy, Fred. Look who's here," said Percy's brother George, smiling frighteningly.

"Well, if it isn't the humongous pile of rat droppings. Hello, Percy," his other brother Fred said, with an even more frightening smile.

"Fred, George," Percy acknowledged, now frantically considering a speedy digression from the scene.

"Our father's favorite son." George glared at Percy while nodding to Fred. "The one who couldn't even be bothered to visit him in hospital over Christmas holiday. You're a miserable mean git. You know that don't you, Percy?"

"I'd tell him that our mother's cried herself sick over him every night since last summer if I thought he'd even care," Fred sneered, looking at George.

"Listen up you morons!" Percy snapped. Fred and George aroused his quick temper faster than any human beings alive. "You don't have any idea what it's like to be in my position. I have a very important job to do right now. I'm not going to let family loyalties interfere with my getting it done, and getting it done right. I've got more important things to worry about these days than ridiculous fake rubber wands and stupid joke shops." Giving a sneer every bit the equal of Fred's, he glanced derisively at his twin brother's new storefront sign.

Snarling, Fred and George dropped their wands, narrowed their eyes, and rolled up their sleeves. Launching as one, aiming for Percy's throat. Desperately wanting to back away, but forced to stand his ground in the faces of his brother's fury, Percy thought miserably: This is so unfair! I had to tell them that. Now, they are just going to kick my arse.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So they had. Percy told Penelope about it that afternoon in their flat while she rubbed essence of murtlap onto his cuts and contusions. He winced pitifully away from her gentle touch while she applied ointment to his black eye and the cut on his lip. Percy could only come up with so many excuses for arriving at home looking like he'd been wrestling in the gutter. Following his honesty is best with Penny policy; he told her the truth.

"Lucky for me, " he said. "Bill was working inside of Gringotts today. Fred and George were pummeling me for all that they're worth - in full view of at least ten witnesses who refused to intervene, even though I asked them to repeatedly - and Bill was walking down the bank steps. He caught sight of us fighting out of the corner of his eye." He winced again when Penny cleaned the gash on his eyebrow, adding almost as an afterthought, "Growing up with Fred and George you kind of learn to keep an eye out for them wherever you go, it's a self-defense mechanism. Anyway, Bill pulled them both off of me and sent them flying down either direction of Diagon Alley."

"Oh, Percy, I'm so sorry," Penny murmured sympathetically. "This quarrel with your family is really taking a toll on you. What did Bill have to say?"

"I thought for a minute he was going to finish doing what he'd just stopped them from," Percy replied unhappily, "but he just yanked me up out of the gutter and walked away."

Drawing Percy closer to her Penny applied some of her own personal healing agent to his injuries. Covering his wounds with licks and kisses she attempted to cheer her love. For the first time since she'd started dating Percy she was angry with Fred and George. True, she wasn't particularly thrilled with them the time they tried to lock him up in a pyramid. This was worse, though, a brutal physical attack in public, two against one, beating and humiliating him. Penny didn't think there was any valid excuse for family members shedding each other's blood.

Percy was sunk deep into the doldrums, she could tell. He had been sunk there, more or less, for the best part of the year. Penny didn't want him to slip away. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Perce?" she asked giving up on the kisses and putting away her healing supplies.

He shook his red head solemnly. She watched him walk, shoulders slumped in defeat, into the bedroom to change his filthy, mud-encrusted, robes. Inspiration struck, remembering the promise she'd made regarding her belated Valentine's Day gift Penny followed him into the bedroom.

When he lifted his robes over his head, Percy goggled mindlessly at Penny lying on the bed, obligingly hiking up her skirt. Sinking down onto the bed beside her, filthy robes cast aside on the floor, blown-over Percy said, "Wow, Penny! This is the second bit of good luck I've had all day!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Percy noticed over the course of the following few weeks that George and Fred's two way trip headfirst down Diagon Alley had taught them to reconsider openly picking a battle every time they saw him on the street. They also refrained from bewitching things to rap at his windows all night or from otherwise causing him to be tormented daily in the privacy of his own flat. Percy suspected they didn't retaliate in that matter out of deference to Penny, whom they had always seemed to like very much.

Percy didn't particularly care why Fred and George were giving him a wide berth. He was just glad that they were and he returned the favor in spades. He was clocking massive hours at the Ministry, still in full chaos mode after Dumbledore's departure from Hogwarts.

Madam Umbridge, neck deep into the trouble at Hogwarts, pelted Percy with owls all day long and well into every night requesting information. She wanted to know everything the Ministry knew about all of the students and their families. Percy, not being able to find a way of avoiding it, sent to her all such information that he could find. When he was doing so he realized the Ministry had far too much of it. In fact they had several years worth of private information and records stored on various Wizarding families. The size of the file on his own family terrified Percy. Very convenient for Voldemort, and his Death Eating gang, to have the Ministry store everything he needs to destroy the Wizarding world in one easily accessible location.

Worried and busy, Percy didn't notice what Fred and George were up to at all. He left the Alley early every morning and didn't return to collapse next to Penny until very late; a few nights he didn't return home at all, barely catching a few winks behind his desk in the Ministry.

On a night he did come home in time to have dinner with Penny she told him what she knew about his brother's antics. "They're so funny, your brothers," she said, between bites of salad. "They stand on the street corner all day long trying to sell all of that crazy stuff they invented. The shoppers are wild about them. George says they can't keep their shelves stocked."

"Evil little entrepreneurs," Percy grumbled. Vindictively spearing the head of a small tomato on his plate. He glanced up at Penny to say, "Would you like some more salad? You really should be eating more vegetables."

"Don't fuss, Percy," Penny remonstrated. "I don't have much of an appetite lately, especially not for vegetables. George gave me the most marvelous Sugar Quill, though, to suck on the other day in their shop. It was so deliciously hard and long lasting. I've positively developed a craving for them."

"What were you doing in their shop?" Percy demanded irritably.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? I thought I had mentioned it. Fred and George threw themselves a "Welcome to the Neighborhood Party" last Saturday night. It was a blast, Percy. I had so much fun. Your brothers sure know how to party. They're real crowd pleasers. George had his guests captured in the palm of his hand. People were just rolling on the floor at some of their jokes."

"I certainly hope you weren't rolling all over the floor!" Percy snapped. Tossing his plate with a murderous crash into the kitchen sink. "That's hardly a responsible way for you to be acting now!"

Penny, startled by the sound of pottery shattering in the sink, fell right out of her chair. Bumping her chin hard on the edge kitchen table and sinking her teeth into her tongue as she went down. Percy rushed over. Pulling her back to her feet, looking her over carefully, "Are you all right?" he asked anxiously. "You're not hurt badly, are you?"

Rubbing her sore jaw, she eyed him strangely. "I'll live. But I am a bit tired from last night. I think I'll have a lie down."

"What were you doing last night? You told me you had the night off from work!" Percy felt more frustrated by the minute that he couldn't come home to her every night the way he wanted to.

"Oh, it was no big deal." She put him off with a wave. "Fred and George had in a big shipment yesterday. It's just the two of them, you know? They can't really afford to pay for anyone to help them just now. I offered to stock their shelves for a few hours last night. I can't imagine why I should feel so tired only from doing that, but I do."

"Well, I think you ought to be more concerned with getting enough rest then you are with my brothers storefront acumen." Percy folded his arms, gearing up for the big lecture he had on his mind.

Penny, tired and in no mood to listen to a rant, headed him off with, "Honestly, Percy, you're a bit over concerned with my actions lately, aren't you? What else am I supposed to do every evening when you're never home? If I didn't know you better I'd say you were jealous over your brothers' new found success."

"What?" Percy asked, dumb-founded. "That is absolutely ridiculous! Why would I be jealous of those two rejects? I've just been worried about you---". Irritated because he was interrupted by the sound of a Ministry owl pecking on their window, he shouted furiously, "Now what! Can't I have a moment's peace anymore?" The owl, sitting on the sill, stared him down resolutely. Giving in to the inevitable, he stalked over to the window threw up the sash and snatched the letter out of its beak. Opening his letter he read,

Weasley,

I must have on my desk no later than seven o'clock tomorrow morning every single Ministry regulation you can find that applies to the approved usages of truth serum and the application of the Cruciatus Curse.

"Damn it!" Percy exploded. "That merciless old hag!" Dashing into the lavatory he pulled out his mirror to say, "Professor Dumbledore, sir, Madame Umbridge is looking for Ministry approved excuses to poison and torture the students at Hogwarts. You'd better head her off before she gets her hands on Harry."

"Penny," he walked into the bedroom intent on finishing their conversation, "I need to go back to work tonight, but I want to talk to you about something important before I go." He didn't finish his speech. She was curled around his pillow fast asleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Percy wasn't jealous of his brother's Fred and George, although he knew very well that they were jealous of him. They never passed up a chance to discredit any good thing he ever did, or ever stopped from trying to make him look like a fool. But he had consistently refused to stoop to their level year after year in growing up with them. He passed on the chance once again at the Ministry, when he received another message from Madame Umbridge that read,

Weasley,

You must send me every bit of information that you can find pertaining to the Vanishing Cabinet up on the third floor of Hogwarts. We have a very serious situation here involving a student whose last name is Montague. He mysteriously turned up in a toilet several weeks ago and despite the best remedies in our infirmaries he remains disturbingly confused and disorientated still today. His parents are coming to see me to tomorrow. They are most distressed about his current condition. All Montague was able to tell his head of house, Professor Snape, is that he was walking past the Vanishing Cabinet on the third floor when he became lost.

Percy was almost beside himself with fury reading her message. Fuming he raged, "Those idiots! I'd be willing to stake the birth of my first child on the fact that Fred and George were the ones stupid and mean spirited enough to push Montague into that cabinet."

Pacing and fretting he knew this could mean big trouble. Really big trouble if Montague remembered what happened to him the day he disappeared. Fred and George could wind up worse than dead. The Montagues were a wealthy and powerful Wizarding family, once under certain suspicion regarding their involvement with persons who were confirmed followers of Voldemort. Although no charges were brought, and nothing against them proved, there were plenty of families just like them rotting away in Azkaban prison under far less suspicion. Many of Voldemort's strongest allies had purchased their innocence and freedom with handy political contributions.

Thinking quickly, Percy rushed down to the lavatory, hid inside the stall, and pulled out his mirror, "Professor Dumbledore," he said gritting his teeth to stop his voice from shaking, "You must help us. I know this isn't ethical, but you must find a way to permanently alter Montague's memory. Madame Umbridge is out for blood and I'm sure I know who pushed him into that Vanishing Cabinet."

Percy didn't sleep at all for a few nights after giving his last message to Dumbledore. Sitting in the dark at his desk in the Ministry staring at the wall, or lying on his back staring at the ceiling in his bed with Penny, Percy didn't dare fall asleep. He had found the Dementor chasing his brothers in his dreams.

The way things were going lately, Percy shouldn't have been surprised to find that his real life nightmares were every bit as bad as the ones he dreamt about. However, arriving home much earlier than he'd expected a few weeks after receiving the ominous message from Umbridge, he was absolutely shocked to walk in on Penny kissing George in the kitchen.

Percy blew a gasket. "You little bastard!" he roared sprinting at George, grabbing him by the throat and launching him into the table. "What the hell do you think you're doing? When does it stop with you and Fred? When I've killed you myself?"

Slamming several exceptionally well-aimed punches into George's face, Percy made some serious progress on working out his frustrations before Penny managed to whip out her wand and stun him. "STUPEFY!" she cried out, utterly terrified and having never once in her whole life seen Percy behave so ferociously. The blast from her wand knocked Percy off of George and across the room. Running over to George, Penny grabbed a dishtowel to staunch his copiously bleeding nose. Helping him to his feet she literally babbled with fear, "Omigod, George! Are you all right? Here let me help you."

Taking the dishtowel and applying it to his own nose, George said, "Dob't Pebby. I'b all right, but you'b better see to him." He nodded at Percy who was still slumped against the wall recovering from Penny's curse. "I thinb he's finabbwe lost his mind." Then he stomped out of the flat.

"I think he's right, Percy!" Penny railed furiously at Percy stumbling to his feet in the wake of George's departure. "You must be completely and utterly mad to attack your own brother like that."

"What the hell do you expect from me?" Percy bellowed. Not caring if people in Diagon Alley were looking up at their window to see the source of the commotion because his voice echoed outside. "I walk into my kitchen, to find my girlfriend snogging with my brother just like a two-sickle whore from Knockturn Alley and you don't think I should be angry about that?"

Penny flinched as though he had just slapped her as hard as he could across the face. Stunned for a moment, she came to a final conclusion and walked straight past him into the bedroom. Percy whirled around after her, gunning to finish the argument, but stopped in the doorway when he saw Penny throwing her things into a bag.

"Where are you going?" he asked, suddenly dry mouthed.

"First," Penny furiously tossed her things around the room. "I'm going across the street to make sure your brother is all right. Then I'm going somewhere else, I haven't figured out where yet, but you can bet I won't be coming back here."

"You're leaving me?" Percy whispered, sinking down onto the bed and watching with horrified eyes while she gathered up everything she owned off the wardrobe in one fell swoop, dumping it into her bag.

"Yes, Percy, I am leaving you." He was stricken by the sound of her voice and the fact that she started to sob, when she added, "I can't take being in this relationship with you anymore. It's starting to hurt me too much."

"Sweetie, please," Percy begged, reaching out to pull her into his arms. "I'm sorry about what just happened in there. Is that why you're leaving? Because, really, I just wanted to murder George and you let him get away. I didn't mean what I said to you. Right now, I can't even believe I said it. I've never thought that way about you, honestly."

Penny, jerking herself brutally out of his reach, snapped angrily through her tears, "Don't start with me, Percy. You're not going to buy your way out of this with caresses, and kisses, and a nice long night in bed. I am not a whore, not even yours." Marching out of the flat, she slammed the door with a fury that shook dust from the ceiling. Leaving Percy feeling as lost and alone as ever had in his entire life.