The Perils of Being Percy

Cornelius Fudge, working himself into a state of distress over the recent reptilian visit to his Ministry, became overwrought and cracked up at his desk in the office. Percy summoned a Healer. While administering a powerful Draught of Peace, the Healer advised the Minister of Magic to go home and take to his bed for a few days until his nerves had settled.

Being that was the best advice Percy had heard for a very long time, he decided to follow it as well. Taking Penny to bed with him, he kept her busy there for a few days until his nerves were settled. Eventually satisfied that their relationship was back on the safe path he allowed Penny to get dressed and accompanied her to Flourish and Blotts one afternoon.

Mr. Flourish glared at them suspiciously when they entered the bookshop. As Penny had predicted, Percy's exceptional height and unusual hair coloring did indeed make him stand out in Diagon Alley. The glare made Penny nervous. Clutching Percy's hand, she tugged him back behind a bookshelf with her.

"What's wrong?" he asked, knowing very well what it was. Trying to keep his lips from twitching into a smile.

"Mr. Flourish is giving you the evil eye, Percy. I'm afraid he knows it was us up in the stacks a couple of months ago," Penny advised standing on tiptoe every few seconds to peer at Mr. Flourish over Percy's high shoulder.

"Let's see then, shall we?" said Percy. Taking the bull by the horns he strode over to the bookshop counter. Penny abandoned him to his folly by ducking behind another exceptionally tall object, a stack of teetering books piled at the entrance.

"Good day to you, Mr. Flourish." Percy grinned charmingly. Penny peeked around the book pile to see him leaning one hip against the countertop, one hand in his pocket. Hair neatly trimmed, khaki trousers creased down the middle of each leg, a spotlessly clean light blue button shirt, and shoes he'd enchanted to ward off slush and mud, Percy was the very image of the perfect prefect. Mr. Flourish could hardly fail to be impressed, plus Percy was giving Mr. Flourish the same sort of smile he used to bully people with. Penny had seen Percy at work too often to doubt the veracity his technique.

"Weasley, isn't it?" Flourish frowned. He looked disapprovingly down his short nose, but since Percy was so tall he found himself staring at Percy's shiny belt buckle.

"Yes, sir," Percy responded officiously. "My family has patronized Flourish and Blotts for many generations. We've always been most pleased with the service and selection we've found here, it's quite our favorite book shop."

"It's the only book shop in the alley."

"Our favorite nonetheless. You don't use the utter lack of competition here in the alley as an excuse to justify taking unfair advantage over your customers. I respect that, Mr. Flourish. You're a shopkeeper who displays character."

Mr. Flourish, undeniably puffed up by the praise, straightened up and met Percy's gaze. "Mr. Blott and I do expend tremendous effort to ensure a pleasant book buying experience for all of our customers."

"And bibliophiles all over the magical world thank you for it. In fact, sir, I was wondering about a particular volume I've been searching for."

Flourish looked delighted. Books were his business. He was there to make money, true, but his real passion was for the books that he sold, and nothing excited him more than finding just the item a customer was seeking. He grabbed a small piece of parchment off the counter, dipped his quill in fresh ink and waited for Percy to reveal the name of the book he was searching for with eager expectation on his face.

Percy hadn't read anything in such a long time he was at a sudden loss. He glanced over his shoulder at Penny, who shrugged back wearing a "You're on your own" expression on her face. Percy hemmed thoughtfully, rummaging in his pocket as though searching for a piece of paper he'd written the title down on. "Why, I was certain that I put that slip in my pocket this morning."

"What was the book about?" Flourish inquired affably.

"Erm---uh---it was about---morals. Yes, morals. Morals, and uh---virtue."

"Morals and virtue," Flourish repeated, tapping his chin thoughtfully with his quill feather. "Was it a recent publication?"

"Yes," Percy agreed casting another look over his shoulder at Penny, who still would not come out of hiding. She made a face at him. He turned back to Mr. Flourish and spoke louder for her benefit. "It's a book about morals and virtue, and young people."

"Ahhh!" A flash of sudden inspiration spread over Flourish's face. "I believe I know the very book you're looking for." He bustled out from behind the counter, moving swiftly through the maze of books as though he knew them as well as the back of his hand. "Aha!" Percy heard him cry two rows over, invisible behind a barricade of novels.

"Here it is!" Flourish emerged triumphantly from the stacks and handed the book over to Percy with a benevolent smile. "In my opinion, young people today cannot do with enough reading material regarding moral improvement. What this magical world is coming to! Young people today, what with their pixie dust, and their wild music, and--" his voice dropped to a whisper, 'the S-E-X. It's disgraceful, I tell you, what young people get up to in public these days. Disgusting behavior. The groping, the kissing, piercing their body parts---" Mr. Flourish shook his head sadly as though he couldn't bear to go on. "The lack of sexual mores will be the decline of our great society, I vow."

I'd rather thought it might be the Death Eaters who are into torture and infanticide. Percy thought, grimacing politely while Mr. Flourish ranted. Affection never killed anybody. He glanced down at the title of the book in his hand and had to choke back a laugh. Mr. Flourish had found him a copy of The Moral Decline of Our Youth: How it's Destroying the World and Why Flogging is the Solution.

"We had a terrible complaint in this shop a couple of months ago," Mr. Flourish continued. "An elderly woman reported to my partner, Blott, that a young couple was engaged in an unmentionable activity upstairs. She created quite stir about it and claims that a very tall young man, with bright red hair, attacked her when she did."

"Disgusting behavior," Percy agreed pompously. "Although I'm sorry to hear about such a disgraceful activity taking place in public, Mr. Flourish, I can't say I'm shocked. In fact, I feel quite mortified in having to inform you that I think it might even have been my brother Bill. He's an absolute satyr, simply can't control himself. You've probably seen him around in the alley now and again? Long haired pillock with an earring?"

Penny burst into a hysterical fit of giggles behind the books. It was all Percy could do not to lose his composure with Flourish.

"Humpf!" snorted Flourish. "In my day a young man looking that way would have been stuck in the pillory with his ear nailed to the post! Men were meant to look like men; not like airy fairies wearing gem stones and sporting curls!"

Percy smirked internally, imagining Bill's response to an attack on his masculinity. "My brother is very---um--shall we say--- confident about his appearance."

"We'll see just how confident he is about it once he's been banned from every shop here in the Alley!" said Flourish spitefully. "At least your parents can be proud that one of their children has turned out a proper man. Shall I wrap that book up for you, Weasley?"

Percy's mouth twitched as he pulled out his wallet, counting out the galleons to pay for his book. Well, we can always use it to practice Inciendo on. This is a book that's absolutely worth burning. He took his package from Mr. Flourish, wished him a good day, and turned around to see Penny standing at his shoulder. "Look who's here!" he exclaimed. "Finally feel safe in offering me your support now?"

Laughing, Penny pulled him away from the counter and whispered back, "Percy! How could you? That was a bald-faced lie you just told Mr. Flourish! And it incriminated your own brother!"

"Better him than me." Percy grinned. "I have a reputation to uphold. By the way, here's your book." Pulling it out of its wrappings he flipped through the pages to chapter four, 10 Reasons Why People Having Physical Relations Outside of Marriage Will Cause the Destruction of the Universe as We Know It. "There you go, Penny. This chapter's for you."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Happy days spent with Penny in bed, interspersed with some shopping, one dinner at the pub, and a couple of snowball fights in the Alley, disappeared when Fudge returned to the Ministry. The Giant Snake fiasco had left him feeling more paranoid and behaving more frivolously about his paranoia than ever.

"Might it not be a good idea to tighten security here at the Ministry, sir?" Percy suggested unassumingly the morning of Fudge's return.

"Nonsense, Weasley! Utter nonsense!" Fudge averred. "What good would tighter security do for my campaign? Make me look as though I'm worried, that's what. And I'm not. Not worried a bit, except for Dumbledore. If I could just get him, and his doom-saying prophet, Potter, out of the way, the course to my re-election would be free and clear."

"Of course, sir," Percy was forced to agree, thinking, Let's just send out engraved invitations to Voldemort and all of his followers to take a tour of the Ministry next time. Gathering together Fudge's mail, Percy noticed a bright red Howler among numerous others. It appeared to be preparing for immediate combustion. "Sir? Your Minister-ship, sir, I believe you might wish to open this one straight-away." Percy, dangling the Howler from his fingertips, waved it at Fudge.

"Let it go then, Weasley," Fudge ordered. Exasperated by the irrational fears of others, he complained, "What paranoid constituent has written to me now?"

The Howler exploded into flames above Percy's desk in the outer office screaming,

"DEATH EATER'S LOOSE! ESCAPED FROM AZKABAN PRISON! WHERE ARE THE DEMENTORS? WHAT'S THE MINISTRY DOING TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF ORDINARY CITIZENS?"

Percy and Fudge fell backwards, knocked clean over by the Howler's fury. Fudge tumbled over Percy's desk, landing in the rubbish bin. Percy, agile and quick, caught himself on the corner of his filing cabinet. Scrambling back to his feet he offered Fudge an obliging hand covered with blisters and soot.

"Death Eaters?" Fudge gasped indignantly. "What is this rigmarole about escaped Death Eaters, Weasley?" Fudge denounced looking at Percy as though he had sent the Howler.

"I don't know, sir." Flinging aside all of the papers on his desk, Percy searched for the folded copy of the Daily Prophet he'd seen first thing. Opening it to display the front page, Percy and Fudge stared dismayingly at the pictures. Photographs of Death Eaters covered the whole of it. They jeered, making threatening gestures at the Minister and his assistant.

Percy thought Fudge was about to have another attack. Easing the Minister down into his own chair, he waved his wand, procuring a cup of tea. "Here, sir, drink this you'll feel better."

Fudge, white faced and panting, read the entirety of the article. "Well," he said. "I see the spin machine is still functioning. Someone from this office had the sense to report that the Ministry, that is to say I, believe Sirius Black is the culprit who engineered this escape."

"I haven't spoken to the Prophet," Percy reported, concerned. "Who else has the authority to speak to the press on your behalf?"

Heaving back onto his feet, Fudge replied, "That's of little import to me, Weasley. A man in my position needn't bother with these little things in any case. Will you owl Lucius Malfoy for me? Tell him I'd like to see him in my office as soon as possible."

Percy did as the Minister told him. Then he sat in the outer office all day attempting to catch the gist of Fudge's conversation with Malfoy. Percy knew that Malfoy was one of Voldemort's allies. Not a particularly loyal ally since he'd lied to the Wizengamot about his involvement, claiming to have been forced into cooperating with the Dark Lord. Percy believed Malfoy was loyal only to his own cause, but he was no friend of Dumbledore's under any circumstance.

Frustrated by his inability to hear anything worthwhile, Percy spent the afternoon and evening answering the rest of Fudge's Howlers. He lied expertly to every terrified citizen. He was becoming quite proficient at it, actually, and it disturbed him not a little. Fudge and Malfoy departed companionably together for supper that evening. Malfoy made sure to deride the Weasley family on his way out.

"Good of you, Minister," he said to Fudge, cold eyes staring straight into Percy's. "To take on a charity case like Weasley here. I understand he really needs the money to stop his parents going to debtor's prison over his student loans."

"Now, now, Lucius," chuckled Fudge, nodding deprecatingly in Percy's direction. "Weasley's a good lad. Very loyal to me and a terrible hard worker."

Loyal Percy sat alone late that night in the Minister's outer office fabricating for Fudge. There was so much to lie about that an increasing sense of evil pervaded his office. Death Eaters swelling Voldemort's ranks was nothing to take lightly. Fudge, being an idiot, was more concerned with pointing fingers than solving the problem. Percy felt a little bit sick, he wanted to finish up this despotic duty and go home to check on Penny.

As though conjured on demand, Penny Apparated into the outer office. Seemingly respondent to Percy's thoughts she landed squarely on his lap. The impact jolted his elbow, tipped his inkbottle over and snapped his third best quill. Struggling to regain equilibrium he overcompensated, tilting his chair backwards and tossing Penny underneath the desk. The narrow seat on rollers slid out from under him and shot back into the wall.

"Merlin's balls, Penny!" he shouted at her, peering under his desk. "How many times must I tell you not to Apparate to me here at the office?" Leaping to his feet from the floor, he offered another obliging hand, this time to his disheveled girlfriend crawling out from beneath his desk.

Penny took the proffered hand, and he hoisted her to her feet. Judging by her blotchy complexion and puffy eyes he surmised she had been crying very recently. "Sweetheart, what's the matter? You aren't hurt, are you?" he asked, tipping his chair up again, sitting down onto it and pulling Penny back in his lap.

"I'm all right," she wailed unconvincingly onto his shoulder. "Haven't you read the papers today?"

"Yes of course, I have," Percy answered. 'Why do you suppose I'm still here in the office when it's almost midnight? Fudge's public is panicked over escaped Death Eaters."

"That's not all, Percy." Penny sniffed, wiping her nose on the shoulder of his work robe. "A patient at the hospital has been murdered."

"Murdered!" Percy goggled. "St. Mungo's has been known to kill people, but it's usually not deliberate. Why do you say murder?"

"He was choked to death by Devil's Snare," Penny sobbed. "The poor man, it's such an unbearable way to die. The vines imbedded themselves into his flesh, severing his arteries, he choked on his own..."

"Who was murdered, Penny?" Percy asked suddenly, cutting her off. Some chap done in by a sanguinary plant was not at all pleasant to imagine and much less pleasant to have described with a Healer's attention to the gruesome details.

"A man on the Closed Ward," she said, wiping away tears. Percy shook his head, not for the first time wondering if Penny had picked the right career. She had the mental capacity for it, no question, but her soft heart couldn't abide suffering, especially suffering beyond fixing.

"The poor fellow couldn't even speak, Percy, she continued, devastated for a stranger. "I'm just dreading my rotation in that department. All the patients there are so sad, so hopeless. Someone had already done the man serious harm, why kill him?"

Percy had a suspicion. "That man wouldn't have been named Bode, by any chance, would he?"

"Yes, that's exactly who it was," Penny replied. "The Healer charged with his treatment has been suspended indefinitely. I feel just terrible, Percy. I could have prevented that poor man's death."

Engrossed in contemplating Bode's affliction, it took Percy a moment to register what she'd just said. Bode, an Unspeakable who worked in the Department of Mysteries, had mysteriously fallen ill last fall and hadn't been seen back at work since. Shades of Voldemort cropping up again, during his reign of terror plenty of decent and innocent people ended up mentally deficient due to his rampant usage of the "Imperio" curse. Of course, Voldemort hadn't been seen wandering the halls of the Ministry, yet. But Lucius Malfoy sure as hell had been. He would have to get a message to Dumbledore, soon, but he couldn't leave Penny upset like this. Abruptly Percy asked, "What do you mean you could have prevented his death?"

"I saw that plant come in on Christmas Day," Penny confessed, feeling guilty. "I was in such a lousy mood that day, angry with you, worried about your father, I didn't even think to say anything about it. I assumed it was going into the hospital's greenhouse. We use it sometimes, in healing, you know? It can be useful for the amputation of gangrenous limbs---"

Forced to interrupt her again, Percy said, "Sweetie, you can't blame yourself for this. If Death Eaters wanted Bode dead, they were going to accomplish it one way or another. I wonder at that nitwit Healer who put that plant in his room, though." Seriously, he wondered if Penny was quite safe in going to work at St. Mungo's. Between her kind hearted good nature and the apparent dangers inherent working in the only Wizard's hospital around, Percy thought she might be safer staying at home. Speculating that she would whack him if he told her that, and wanting to save the stay at home argument for when they started making babies, he wisely didn't say so.

Burrowing into him, Penny nodded. "I'm really scared, Percy. What is going on in this world? Do you suppose You-Know-Who really is back?"

"Yes, I suppose he is," Percy said, refusing to prevaricate with Penny's safety. Pulling back, looking her in the eye he said, "No more Apparating around after dark, Pen. If you need me, send an owl and I'll come right away. I don't want you going anywhere alone anymore."

"I can take care of myself," she confidently assured. "You haven't forgotten that the last time we played Wizard's duel I sent you flying over the sofa with my Expelliarmus?"

"I'm no Death Eater. Penny, I mean what I say, now. This is a dangerous time," Percy reiterated firmly. "No more going out alone after dark or I'll tie you to the bedposts."

"You haven't done that in such a long time." She feigned a mischievous sigh. "I'd started to think you didn't care anymore."

He forced a smile at her quip, but fear for her clutched at his heart so hard Percy found it difficult to breathe. It was very early in the morning when they Apparated home and got into bed. Percy couldn't sleep.

"Percy!" Penny complained sleepily. "Stop tossing and quit poking me with that thing in the back. Every time I move it sticks into my ribs." She needed her rest and there was little on earth that troubled her enough to keep her from it. Living with Percy had taught her that a bedmate with trouble sleeping, and boundless energy, was guaranteed to keep her awake indefinitely.

"Oh, sorry about that, sweetie," said Percy removing his wand from the middle of the bed to clutch it in his other hand.

"For heaven's sake," she said on the verge of becoming annoyed and rolling over to look at him. "Do you really need to come to bed armed? Are Death Eaters going to attack us in our bedroom at any minute?"

Having been sheltered from the worst of Voldemort's wrath by living overseas with her parents, Penny hadn't heard much about his reign of horror until she'd come to live at Hogwarts. It seemed to Percy that she was a little too naïve and trusting sometimes. In no small part, due to her relationship with him and his inclination to be overprotective, she had also been fairly sheltered. Percy would put his own life on the line to protect her, but he might not always be there to shield her, and her safety wasn't something he'd ever leave to chance.

"Maybe," he replied, not wanting to frighten her, but wanting her to be aware. "Why do you suppose I've forbidden you to go out alone at night?"

Penny huffed, clutching her pillow and turning her back on him again. "Because you're bossy and overbearing."

"Well, there is that," he admitted. Giving her a wide-eyed, sharp warning, he added, "Then again there's that crazy part of me that doesn't want to find out that my girlfriend has been raped and tortured to death by Death Eaters."

That comment captured her attention. Rolling over again, leaning on one elbow, she responded, "Torture is terrible enough, Percy, but I don't think you need to worry about rape. I've never heard of Death Eaters committing rape."

"You're not likely to read about that in a children's story, are you? Sometimes you need to read between the lines a little bit Penny, to get the complete picture." He denoted angrily, "Do you think that monsters who don't scruple at infanticide draw the line at rape? Listen to me, and mind what I say, don't go out by yourself, especially at night, and stop forgetting your wand at home. Take it with you everywhere, better to curse first and ask questions later these days."

Flopping onto her back next to Percy the two of them stared silently at the ceiling until the sky outside the window turned gray with dawn. Penny, despite her genuine fears, now made even more real, finally slept curled up close to him. Percy, his fist still firmly clenched around his wand, watched the sunrise out of their bedroom window.