Albus Dumbledore: Dark Hippie Extraordinaire

Albus Dumbledore: Dark Hippie Extraordinaire

By Flame Star

*We find our heroes dangling mercilessly from a tree in the middle of the great hall. We find our Seamus filling in for Harry, who is dangling mercilessly from a tree in the middle of the great hall, doing the Irish Jig on a nearby table. We find our Lord Voldie having a nice picnic lunch with Dumbledore in a patch of daisies beneath the tree that has our heroes mercilessly dangling from it. I wonder when we'll stop finding things.*

Harry: *impatiently* You know Hermione, your knee is repeatedly jabbing me somewhere sensitive and it's beginning to ache.

Hermione: *testily* Well, if Ron didn't have his foot shoved halfway up my arse, I might be able to move.

Ron: I like my foot where it is, thank you very much! It feels like I have a nice, soft, squishy slipper on...

Harry and Hermione: *Stare disbelievingly*

Ron: What?

Hermione: *Takes out her wand and removes Ron's foot from halfway up her arse*

Ron: Hey, that was comfortable!

Hermione: So cry me a river, build me a bridge and jump off of it.

Ron: *Is grumpy* Hm... *Shoves his foot halfway up Harry's arse* That's better

Harry: *Screams like a pansy, then realizes the broom is still impaled through his abdomen* I wonder when I will bleed dry.

*Down below, Dumbledore and Lord Voldie share a quaint, pleasant meal together*

Voldie: You know, I haven't had a quaint, pleasant meal like this for ages.

Dumbledore: That's all right, funkedelic groove master. It's the love that counts. *His afro jiggles as he sways from left to right singing 'Kumbaya'*

Voldie: Oh, shiznit, dawg! I gotta jam! I'm scheduled to take those three dunderheads hanging from the tree into the astronomy tower and murder them!

Dumbledore: Whatever cleans your grandma, Voldie.

Voldie: Like, ok, back in a flashinator, alligator.

Dumbledore: Peace and love to everyone!

Voldie: Come on, you three 'heroes' who are hanging mercilessly from that tree in the middle of the great hall, we got a schedule to keep!

Harry: Aw, come on guys.

Hermione: Thank god Ron's foot has moved to a more secure location... *chuckles*

Harry: Hermione Granger! I do NOT have a tight arse!

Hermione: I never said you did... but his foot IS all the way up your arse now.

Ron: And it feels funky... Harry, when was the last time you took a crap?

Voldie: NOW, munchkins! *Voldie Portkeys them to the Astronomy Tower*

*We find everyone who was just portkeyed in the Astronomy Tower, where we find Ernie Macmillan, still... err... doing his Astronomy essay.

Ernie: Hey, Harry, Hermione, Ron. Oh, Hey, uncle Voldie, how goes it?

Voldie: Do I know you?

Ernie: Yes, I'm your second cousin's uncle's aunt's grandchild twice removed!

Hermione: Then technically the bloodlines are too thin to be considered family.

Ernie: Spoilsport! Anyway... *Glances around at the four before snogging his telescope in 'secrecy'*

Voldie: And now, munchkins... You die! Avada...

Ernie: You waiting for! Get it? Avada... And what are... do you get it? Avada you waiting for? Ha! Come on, uncle Voldie, I got a million of 'em! *Steers Voldie out the door*

Voldie: But... the schedule-

Ernie: Nonsense! A man of your age needs no schedule!

*As Voldie and his second cousin's uncle's aunt's grandchild twice removed exit, our heroes start laughing for reasons unknown. Until now.*

Harry: *laughs* Hermione, what are *laughs* you laughing at? *laughs*

Hermione: Well, *laughs* Ernie still thinks *laughs* he's Voldie's Family, *laughs* when really, *laughs* they're farther apart *laughs* than we are *laughs* to Mexico! *laughs harder*

Harry: *laughs* what about you, Ron? *laughs*

Ron: I *laughs* still have *laughs* my foot up your arse! *laughs*

Harry: *stops laughing, turns pale, and does the Irish Jig, with Ron trying to force his foot out of Harry's arse*

Ron: Noooooo! I'm forever doomed to an eternity of being your semi-Siamese twin! I'll be called Arse Boy and-

Harry: You will not. I will. If anything, you'll be called something like Crap Foot of something!

Hermione: *grrs* Grr! I'm tired of this! I'm off to snog Malfoy. *Leaves*

Ron: Well, now what? Our only chance of becoming un-semi-Siamese twins just walked out the door.

Harry: My wand's down in the great hall... what about yours? We ARE magic, too you know.

Ron: Well, I kinda keep my wand in my shoe, and you know where my shoe is, so...

Harry: You're telling me your wand... is also up my arse.

Ron: In a nutshell, yes.

Harry: *remembers that there is a broom still impaling his stomach*

Ron: You know, you should get that stomach wound looked at.

Harry: *Faints*

Ron: Harry? Harry? Now is a most inconvenient time to be napping. HARRY?!

*Now, our attention focuses on Dumbledore, who is sinisterly plotting the downfall of Voldemort and Harry in his office*

Dumbledore: Now, when Voldie circles the elephants like so, I'll come in and toss Harry the flamethrower I have cleverly hidden in my afro, and then the psychedelic Professor McGonagall will come in and we'll share a nice, lively dance while Harry destroys Voldie. Afterwards, I'll take back the flamethrower and use it on Harry to make it look like an accident. Then, I'll become the biggest baddie for generations! Groovy!

Fawkes: *Hoots triumphantly*

Dumbledore: And you will be my first Phoenix.

Fawkes: *Sends Dumbledore a look that suggests he had better have always been*

Dumbledore: Oh, it's 6:13. I think Voldie said he had to reschedule his appointment to 6:15 because of that annoying Ernie Macmillan... yes, I do hope he will be on time.

*We find Voldie running back up to the Astronomy Tower, finally just having lost Ernie. We find Harry and Ron a few feet from where they originally were when Voldie Portkeyed them up there earlier. We find Hermione and Draco rolling around on the floor doing who knows what, and once again I wonder when we'll stop finding things*

Voldie: You got the memo that we were rescheduled to 6:15?

Harry: Yep.

Ron: What memo?

Hermione: *pays no attention*

Draco: *Flicks off Voldie*

Voldie: How dare you? Your father will be hearing about this...

Draco: He's in Azkaban for that thing in the Department of mysteries, remember? God, you're such an idiot.

Voldie: Oh, go screw yourself sideways.

Draco: I have Hermione for that.

Voldie: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Draco: Then don't ask.

Voldie: I never did... oh, just shut up! I don't want to have to reschedule again!

Harry: Nor do I.

Ron: What reschedule?

Voldie: Now...*points his wand at Harry* Avada...

Ernie: *enters* No, we've already gone over this one once!

Voldie: *turns around to face Ernie very slowly* Not you again...

Ernie: It's Avada you waiting for! Come on, it's only funny once, now it's just old! Think of another one! Ooh! Ooh! Like Accio underpants! See? It's easy! Oh yeah, Accio underpants!

Voldie: Oh. My. GOD! Shut up you freak! Ugh! Potter, Weasley, Granger, Malfoy- yes, you too- 10:05, same place! *Portkeys out of there*

Ron: You know, Harry, my foot is still stuck up your arse.

Harry: It's not like we can do anything about it... I KNOW we're not going to get Hermione's attention.

Ron: And I don't trust Malfoy.

Harry: *faints*

*Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, namely the staff room, we find all the rest of the teachers still getting down with their bad selves, listening to seventy's music and doing the robot. We find Hooch still trying to come onto Snape regardless of his tiny thong.*

Hooch: Come on, Snapey Baby. Live a little.

Snape: I'd rather not live at all if this is what I have to deal with.

Hooch: You're irritating me. Right now, on the floor.

Snape: WHAT?

Hooch: I said 'Right here, on the floor'. Think you can take it?

Snape: Of course I could, but-

Hooch: Then come on, what have you got to lose?

Snape: My... um...my...*mumble*nity...

Hooch: What?

Snape: Nothing.

Hooch: Come on, dance!

Snape: What? I thought- but you-

Hooch: I what, Snapey baby?

Snape: Never mind, just dance.

*It's 10:04 up in the Astronomy tower. We find Harry, who has Hermione's bra hanging haphazardly across his chest, and Ron has Draco's boxers on his head.*

Ron: Hey, this is NOT funny! It's gross and disgusting! I don't even know where these boxers have been, Malfoy!

Harry: You're telling me! I'm the one who has Hermione's bra on!

Ron: I'd be more concerned about her panties being on you, Harry! This is just a violation of my personal space!

Hermione: Hush!

Ron: But-

Draco: It's not our fault if you're sexually retarded, Weasley. It's dress-up, not a shagfest.

Harry: But why underwear? Why not just pants, or something?

Draco: Because with Ron's foot still up your arse, there would be no way we could get them on you without ripping. Hermione's pants are way too small for you and mine would tear dreadfully. They're all leather.

*Suddenly, Voldie Portkeys in. It's exactly 10:05*

Voldie: Now... where were we? Oh yes. I was about to kill the four of you.

Hermione: But we're not finished playing dress-up!

Voldie: I don't make the rules... actually I do, and you follow them or die, but that's not the point. The point is... You're all dead!

Harry: But we're still alive.

*Ernie comes running in screaming 'Uncle Voldie Uncle Voldie Uncle Voldie!'

Voldie: *tries to ignore Ernie* Well, then you're going to be. Now brace yourselves for the impact, it won't hurt a bit... *to Ron* Die, Harry!

Ron: But I'm Ron.

Voldie: Who cares! Die anyway! And you... Why do YOU always have to interrupt my killing scenes? Who ARE you anyway?

Ernie: I am a figment of your imagination.

Voldie: I shag the figments of my imagination.

Ernie: Then I am a purple spotted rhinoceros.

Voldie: Aw...

Ron: Who's he talking to?

Harry: I think it's someone he desperately wants to shag... oh, it's Ernie.

Ernie: I'll say. You wouldn't BELIEVE what he imagined last week!

Voldie: When you've been single all your life and were nothing but a floating head for fifteen years, you have a tendency to dream.

Harry: Oh sick! You pervert, Voldie! Wait, Macmillan, how would you know?

Ernie: Oh, hey, there's my mom, picking me up on her... eh... flying carpet, bye! *tries to jump out the window but Harry stops him*

Ron: Why?

Voldie: Because my life... is coming close... to... the... end.

Ernie: That's nice, but you weren't very much fun today uncle Voldie. I much prefer someone else's company... *pulls out his telescope from his robes pocket* Hey, baby, I've missed you...

*We find Dumbledore bursting into the scene, pulling his flamethrower out of its cleverly hidden spot in his afro*

Dumbledore: Alright, nobody move!

Harry: We can't.

Dumbledore: Why not?

Harry: Because you just told us not to.

Dumbledore: Oh, right. *frowns* Wait a minute... where are the elephants?