Albus Dumbledore: Dark Hippie Extraordinaire

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Albus Dumbledore: Dark Hippie Extraordinaire

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*In the hospital, Madam Pomfrey urgently attends to Dumbledore's dying daisy, while Dumbledore keeps repeating the Catholic cross-thingy on his forehead and chest*

Pomfrey: Albus, I really don't think she's going to live. Those bloodstains are serious.

Dumbledore: *Cries*

Daisy: Come to me... Let me rip you... let me tear you... let me kill you...

Dumbledore: What's that, my precious flower?

Daisy: I SAID, "Come to me... Let me rip you... let me tear you... let me kill you..." Ya foo'!

Dumbledore: You spoke... You're alive!

Daisy: You've got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that he didn't just notice something that also occurred in the second book?

Dumbledore: *Does the Irish jig*

Daisy: Apparently not. I SHALL BE AVENGED!

*Daisy hops off bed and out the window, while Dumbledore Irish jigs himself out of the hospital wing*

Pomfrey: Now where did they go...?

*Down outside the staff room, all was as quiet as a pin drop. But inside was an entirely different story as Dumbledore, still Irish jigging, opens the door*

Dumbledore: Peace. Let's get our groove on.

McGonagall: We need to pick out a totally groovy record.

*Snape suddenly bursts through the door, making the teachers gasp in horror*

Snape: Try the Breakfast Club; they're totally groovy.

Teachers: *Stare awkwardly*

McGonagall: Really, Severus, I can't believe you were so bold to wear THAT.

Sprout: Really, it's so inappropriate!

Snape: I guess I should have dressed more generously.

Flitwick: I'll say! Severus, what on earth commanded you to wear absolutely nothing but a Tie...Especially one so large it covers your entire body!

Snape: Well, I try.

Hooch: I say, Sevvy, you're looking funky lately....

Snape: *Cocks eyebrow and looks horrified*

Hooch: *Attempts to seduce Snape on the spot, but fails when she notices something very small below his waist* AAH! IT'S TINY! *Faints*

Snape: You know there are such things as man-thongs. Perhaps I should have gotten a bigger size... Madam Hooch is right; mine's too tiny.

Hooch: *Is twitching on the ground, occasionally mumbling words like 'miniscule' and 'thong'*

McGonagall: Oh well. Which song do you want?

Snape: Number three.

McGonagall: *Hesitates and suddenly realizes that she gave the entire student body access to every house's quarters*

Dumbledore: What's wrong?

McGonagall: I just gave every student in Hogwarts access to every common room.

Dumbledore: That's ok; we'll sort this out after we're done groovin'.

McGonagall: All right.

*Suddenly, a high-pitched hooting comes from Dumbledore's robes pocket. Dumbledore pulls out a tiny owl out and presses his stomach*

Dumbledore: Hello? Excuse me; I need to take this call.

*Dumbledore retreats to a corner and continues his conversation*

Dumbledore: Hello? Voldie? Hey, man, sup, howz it goin, G?

Voldie: Like, nutin man, like I'm totally groovy.

Dumbledore: That's great man. Oh, by the way, Harry's already dead, no need to kill him.

Voldie: Tubular.

Dumbledore: Isn't that like 80's? Totally groovy, man.

Voldie: Well, it's the shiznit, dawg.

Dumbledore: Late 90's-present?

Voldie: Art thou mocking me?

Dumbledore: Fifteenth Century

Voldie: Tú es un abuelo estremíento!

Dumbledore: Tú hables español.

Voldie: ARRG!

Dumbledore: Pirate.

Voldie: *click!*

Dumbledore: Voldie? Vol-die... Voldie! I guess he hung up.

*Back in the rest of the school, pandemonium is raising. Slytherins are in Gryffindor quarters, Gryffindor in Ravenclaw's, Hufflepuff in Slytherins, etc etc*

Harry: *Irish jigging with Seamus on a table in the Great Hall with many onlookers laughing*

Seamus: Harry, I had no idea you were Irish!

Harry: I am? I never knew that.

Seamus: *Jigs* Aw, who cares, it's the fun that counts.

Irish readers: Yay!

Onlookers: Keep those butts jigging!

Seamus: We have fans?

Harry: You'll get used to it.

Seamus: I wonder where Dean is. We haven't chick-spotted in a while.

Harry: You chick-spot? I thought you were higher than that.

Seamus: Well, when temptation calls... You know where he is?

Harry: No idea. I wonder where Ron and Hermione are, though...

Seamus: Your broom is still sticking through your abdomen, Harry.

Harry: D'oh!

*Hermione and Draco are at the Astronomy tower, falling into each other's eyes so deeply that some might suggest that they see a doctor- or an optometrist. Ernie is reaserching his Astronomy essay, and is also there with his telescope*

Hermione: You know we are the epitome of forbidden love.

Draco: Yeah, but that's what makes it all the more fun.

Hermione: I guess... it's actually exhilarating, keeping such a secret.

Draco: It's partially the sense of defiance that I like about loving you Hermione.

Hermione: And dating the Slytherin prince does have its perks.

Draco: Like what?

Hermione: Like this. *Snogs the brains out of Draco*

Draco: *Snogs the brains out of Hermione*

Draco and Hermione: *Snog the brains out of each other*

Ernie: I feel left out. *Eyes his telescope* Hey, baby. What's say you and me...

Draco and Hermione: *Continue snogging*

Ernie: *Snogs his telescope*

*And now our gaze focuses on Ron Weasley, in the Slytherin girls' dorms, getting a little...action*

Ron: That's great, now move in for the kill!

Pansy: But director, why do I have to die?

Millicent: Because you're the dumb blonde. They always die in horror films.

Ron: And because this is my movie: The Slytherin Serial Killer!

Millicent: Ron, I am NOT going to be a serial killer.

Ron: Why not?

Millicent: Because serial killers rape their victims before they murder them.

Ron: Ok you are just a murderer...heh heh...heh... Anyway, move in for the kill!

Millicent: I'm bored. I think slow torture would be better... *grins evilly*

Pansy: S-s-slow torture?

Millicent: *Whips out a photo of Snape in his thong*

Pansy: AAH! IT BURNS! I wont be able to see again! AAH! THAT PICTURE IS BURNED INTO MY MIND!

Millicent: Mwahahahaha. Beware the man-whore potions professor!

Pansy: EEK!

Ron: And... cut! That's a wrap!