The Very Secret Diary of Harry Potter

Day 1

I'm at the Dursleys, and I'm very bored. I miss Hogwarts and my friends. Aunt Petunia is downstairs, yelling at Dudley for eating that last piece of his triple-chocolate birthday cake. It was a huge piece. Dudley simply refuses to diet. I don't even understand why Aunt Petunia still tries with him. For God sakes, he is as big as a hippo now! Wouldn't be surprised if Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon decide to send him boot camp...

Day 2

Still at the Dursleys. Not much to do except taunt Dudley - threatening to put a counter curse on him. It's amusing, but even that gets boring after a while.

Day 3

Still at the Dursleys. I'm bored stiff!

Day 4

It's my birthday, and yes, the Dursleys forgot it again. Oh well, I got some birthday gifts from my friends at Hogwarts - Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and Hagrid. I just got a letter from Cho Chang telling me that she likes me.

Go, me!

Day 5

I get to go to Diagon Alley today. Whoop-dee-doo-da. Hagrid came to pick me up from those evil Dursleys. Buying school supplies is such a drag. Oh well. At least Professor Lockhart is nowhere in sight!

Day 6

On the Hogwarts Express train to school. Sitting in compartment with Ron and Hermione. They are busy snogging each other. I am staring outside the window. Gee, how exciting is it to be the Boy-Who-Lived? I am very bored.

Still Day 6

Arrived at Hogwarts now. The Sorting Hat seems to be taking about a million years! Why must there be so many first year students this year? I wish I could make them all disappear so I can eat. I am starving, and yes, still very bored.

Day 7

First day of classes. How fun. Not! Professor McGonagall, in Transfigurations class, taught us how to turn an animal into a plate. Now why would we ever need to turn an animal into a plate, when we can just go to the wizard Wal-Mart and buy a cheap paper plate for less than five Galleons?! Then again, watching Ron turn his rat, Scrabbers, into half of a plate, was quite humorous.

Later

I caught Ron and Hermione snogging each other again. They were standing in a corner of a hallway. Damnit, won't they ever stop that crap?! Love doesn't last forever...you know.

Still Later

In Professor Snape's Potions class. The worst class of them all! Well, it actually tops my list with Dinavation. Professor Treawlany is such a fake. Where in God's name did Dumbledore get her from, anyway?

Even Still Later

Ah, Quidditch practice! Finally something I actually look forward to at this lame school. I am very excited, because I just got named the new Gryffindor House Quidditch team Captain.

Go, me!

Day 8

More classes. Still very bored. Not much to discuss.

Day 9

Ditto with yesterday.

Day 10

My lightening bolt scar is hurting me. Dean Thomas told me I should take some Tylenol and maybe my pain will go away. Hmmm...I've actually never tried that.

Later

Yay! The Tylenol worked! Haha - Voldemort has got nothing now!

Go, me!

Day 11

Nothing new, except Draco Malfoy was being a real jackass. Oh well. What can you expect from a complete moron who doesn't even have half of a brain? He was bragging about how his stupid father, Lucius (who is a Death Eater - go figure), owns more than one house. Who the fuck really cares, Malfoy?

Day 12

Extremely bored. I've never really told anybody this but, our new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher, Fleur Delacour, is one major babe! I thought I saw her wink at me the other day in class She also brushed her silvery blonde hair against me as she walked by. I hope she tries to seduce me.

Go, me!

Day 13

Professor Delacour does want to seduce me! She told me so in private after class. Forget Cho Chang - she doesn't even come CLOSE to a major older babe like Fleur Delacour!

Go, me!

Weeks pass...he is so totally bored...

Day 35

Professor Delacour seduced me the other night! Man, it was fun, fun, fun! The most exciting thing that's happened to me so far this year. This is the sixteenth time we've had sex. Yes, I'm counting...

Day 36

Sex with Fleur is absolutely amazing. She gets so into it, and so do I. Dumbledore and the others at Hogwarts are too clueless to know what's going on between us. Fleur says she's pregnant now. That's the only bad thing. Oh well. If I've got a son, I can name him Harry Jr.

More weeks pass...it's Christmas now...

Day 55

It's Christmas. I've actually got Christmas presents! Yay! I'm so happy. But Fleur gave me the best present of all - another fabulous night of sex. Even though she's getting fatter because of the baby, she's still incredibly sexy. Ron and Hermione didn't bother to buy me presents. Oh well. I don't give a shit. I didn't get them anything, either. Hehehe, suckers!

Day 56

Dumbledore knows that something is going on between me and Professor Delacour. OK, so what if he does? He can't do nothing about it! Why doesn't he go to a retirement home now or something? I think old Dumpy needs to take a vacation down to Florida, where all the other old folks live.

More weeks pass...spring comes...

Day 75

Why does Voldemort always ruin everything? Here I was, just trying to enjoy a good, vicious game of Quidditch against the Slytherins, when Voldemort sends out his stupid, pathetic Death Eaters to attack us. I swear, Voldemort copied from Sauron, with the Black Riders and shit. He must have read The Lord of the Rings, too. Worst part is, I (ahem, Gryffindor *cough* *cough*) would've won the match!

Curse Voldemort! And Curse the Death Eaters!

Day 76

I caught Neville Longbottom smoking a joint in the Gryffindor dormitory. I asked him how he got the shit, and he told me he got it from a stranger passing by the school. He gave me some of the shit and it's awesome! In fact, I'm smoking right now. Way cool, man. Uh-oh - I'm starting to sound like one of those Americans now!

Day 77

Yes! I'm having a son - Fleur told me I could name him Harry Jr. She's only got a few more weeks to go...

A few weeks pass...he's very nervous about the pregnancy...

Day 84

The day has arrived! Fleur is in the wizard hospital, giving birth to my baby boy. The whole school knew that she was pregnant, but they do not know it's my baby. That's between Fleur, Dumbledore, and me. I'm stuck at school, because if I left to go be with Fleur, as Dumbledore said, people might get suspicious on where I am.

Day 85

I am getting strange dreams about Voldemort attacking me and killing me. I wonder if guys can get PMS? Maybe that's what it is...

Day 86

Fleur and Harry Jr. have come back from the hospital. Harry looks exactly like me, except without the very attractive lightening bolt scar. Hmmm...I wonder if there's a way we can face paint an identical scar on his forehead? Then all he'll need is the glasses.

Weeks pass...

Day 101

Harry Jr. is getting bigger. My sex with Fleur is lasting longer. Not much else to discuss.

Day 102

Ron and I are no longer friends. We had a major fight this morning. He said I am never around anymore. I told him that's because he's too damn busy snogging Hermione. He got really pissed after that and blew all out on me! I mean, really...

Day 103

I made peace with Draco Malfoy today after he heard about my fight with Ron. I want to get back at Ron - make him jealous. Make him beg to have me back. Last year, I forgot to mention, that there was a period Ron and I went through where all we did was have sex with each other. I hope Draco will have sex with me so Ron can get jealous.

Later

Draco and I had amazing sex tonight! I told him everything, too. About this diary, about Harry Jr., and about Fleur and me. He seemed pretty impressed that I managed to get seduced by a Hogwarts teacher, especially Fleur Delacour. He told me everything, as well. About how his parents abuse him at home (especially his father - stupid Lucius!), about how he's been a virgin up until we made love that night. I felt bad for Draco that he's been a virgin up until now. No wonder he's always had to act so mean and cruel! We should have sex more often...

Day 104

When I told Ron today that I had sex with Draco the night before (and told him all of my secrets), Ron got so jealous that he forced me into making out with him, trying to compete with Draco. I told him that it was final that I would be with Draco. Ron got pissed and shoved me away.

Day 105

Draco and I had sex again tonight. It was even more beautiful than the last time! I really got to feel and kiss Draco's hard, well-built body. His gentle, soft lips touching mine. Just a beautiful thing, man!

Weeks pass...almost the end of the school year...

Day 120

I am walking into the Dark Forest late at night. I've been hearing voices - having those strange dreams again. Not even Tylenol can make them go away. I think I am getting closer to where the noise is coming from and the place in my dreams...

Later, but not much later...

OMG! It's Voldemort! My brain is telling my legs to run, but my legs don't listen. Instead, I'm standing here - as still as a statue. Voldemort is telling me how he tricked me into coming here. He tells me he is finally going to finish me off. And, before I can do anything else, guess what?

He did.

THE END