Mad, Mad Passionate Love

evieblack

Story Summary:
Silly ships are spoofed in an even sillier ficlet. - ``“No,” he hissed. “I have just returned from the Dark Lord. I am in severe pain from the affereffects of the Crucio curse. You will tend to my injuries,” he said, stripping off his clothes.``“Fine,” she said, admiring his thin, paper white body.

Chapter Summary:
Silly ships are spoofed in an even sillier ficlet. -
Posted:
06/29/2003
Hits:
1,658
Author's Note:
Guaranteed to knock out post-OOTP depression... though perhaps with disgust.


SEVERUS SNAPE AND HERMIONE GRANGER

"Miss Granger, be here at nine o'clock tonight. You have detention," he said, his silky voice slithering seductively.

"But why?" she asked, her bushy head bobbing around in confusion.

"Make that two detentions," he snarled.

-----

"Miss Granger, please allow me to show you the correct way to chop the mandrakes," he said, placing his beautiful white hand on top of hers. He admired her gorgeous voluminous hair as she bent over the potion ingredients. He had never been this in love with a student before, except maybe with Bill Weasley--but that was years ago.

"But why?" she asked, her hand stiffening beneath his. She turned around to face him, acutely aware of the lack of distance between them.

His oily hair shimmered just above her head. "Follow my instructions," he said, "or you'll get another week of detentions."

"I never understood why you gave me this detention to begin with."

"Silence! Chop your mandrakes!" He took both her hands in his and moved them back toward the potion ingredients.

It was hard to work with Severus Snape slowly closing the gap between them.

-----

"Miss Granger, I see you have returned for your second detention."

"More mandrakes?" she asked, smiling sarcastically.

"No," he hissed. "I have just returned from the Dark Lord. I am in severe pain from the affereffects of the Crucio curse. You will tend to my injuries," he said, stripping off his clothes.

"Fine," she said, admiring his thin, paper white body.

-----

"Miss Granger, I see your two detentions have not removed your impertinence. You will report to my private quarters at ten o'clock tonight."

"But why? Your private quarters?"

"Don't ask questions. You'd better be there," he said. "Oh, and. . . wear something cute."

-----

"Hermione, I know that you are only eighteen years old, but--" he began.

"I'm seventeen."

"Oh, I'm sorry, that makes what I wanted to do illegal."

"What was that?"

"Make mad, mad passionate love all through the night. But forget that. Here are some mandrakes. Chop them."

-----

RON WEASLEY AND HERMIONE GRANGER

"Hermione, I wish you'd stop bossing me around," Ron said, though, as everyone knew, he was lying. What he really wanted was a woman who would treat him exactly as his mother did.

"Stop telling me what to do, Ron! I'm the one who's read every book in the library, not you!"

"Just because you're smart and I'm dumb doesn't give you any right to force me to dance on the dinner table in the Great Hall singing 'Turn Back, O Man.'"

"Yes, it does!"

"All right, fine, I'll do it! But I won't wear that stupid leotard!"

"Yes, you will!"

Ron cowered beneath her glare. "Fine!"

-----

"Hermione, I wish you'd never made me sing that stupid song. Everyone laughs at me now."

"I'm not laughing."

"So what am I supposed to do, hang out with no one but you and Harry?"

Hermione moved close and stroked his arm. "Forget Harry."

-----

"Hermione, I don't think--"

"No, you don't, that's my job."

Ron scowled. "Fine."

-----

At this point in the story, Hermione and Ron would have made mad, mad passionate love, but that just seemed a little tasteless.

-----

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE AND MINERVA MCGONAGALL

"Professor McGonagall, do you fancy a lemon drop?"

"Why not?" she said, accepting his offered sweets. He dropped it in her palm, his hand lingering on hers just a moment longer than was necessary.

"Professor Dumbledore, why do you call me 'Professor McGonagall' sometimes and 'Minerva' sometimes?"

"To remind myself to keep my distance. Alas! I should not have said that."

-----

"Minerva, I have just been studying a type of Muggle dancing. I wondered if you might assist me in learning it."

Minerva tapped her finger on her stern chin to demonstrate that she was in deep thought. In reality, being madly in love with Albus Dumbledore, she immediately jumped at any opportunity to spend time when him. "All right. Why kind of dancing is it?"

"Freak dancing."

-----

"I must say, Albus, that was very odd."

"Yes, Professor McGonagall. I never knew that you could move like that."

-----

At this point in the story, the idea of senior citizens freak dancing nearly made the author puke. Therefore, Albus and Minerva never made mad, mad passionate love.

-----

HARRY POTTER AND LAVENDER BROWN

"You know something funny, Lavender," Harry said, suddenly noticing that Lavender Brown existed, though, in the past six years at Hogwarts, he had scarcely had one conversation with her. "Your name has two colors in it."

Lavender bursts into a ridiculous fit of giggles. "No one's ever told me that before, Harry."

"Would you mind helping me complete my dream diary for the next six months?"

Lavender smirked. "I wouldn't mind at all, Harry."

-----

"Lavender, do you really think that the ice cream cone is a symbol of a new, unexpected love in my life?"

"I'm quite certain of it Harry. In fact, the Neapolitan flavor indicates that this girl will be one with. . . er. . . more than one color."

Harry looked puzzled. "But I don't know anyone like that."

Lavender threw the dream diary down on the table and stormed away furiously.

-----

"Lavender, I'm sorry that I forgot that your name has two colors and that you're so very beautiful, with your long, shiny brown hair and striking green eyes"

"It's all right, Harry."

"I want to make mad, mad passionate love to a schoolgirl!"

"That's sick."

-----

HARRY POTTER AND HERMIONE GRANGER

"Hermione, it's amazing that after all these years, it never occurred to me that you were anything more than a brainy nerd."

"Thank you so much, Harry," Hermione said, turning away to hide the tears that had sprung up inexplicably quickly in her cinnamon orbs.

"I mean, now that I think about it, it's so obvious."

"What?" she croaked, her throat suppressing a sob.

"I'm the lead male in this series, and you're the lead female. We're supposed to be together."

Hermione's tears evaporated extremely quickly. "I thought you'd never see it."

Harry suddenly became contemplative. "But then. . . what about Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia? They didn't get together. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my story has some striking parallels to Star Wars. . . I mean, look at how Voldemort is my father. . . And how I have to control my emotions and focus and stay away from the Dark Side. . . And, you know, Hagrid is kind of like Chewbacca, isn't he?"

"They were brother and sister," Hermione said, interrupting his train of associations. "That's the only reason they didn't hook up. That, and Han Solo."

"Well, Voldemort turned out to be my father, so you might be my sister. It would be incest to make mad, mad passionate love to my sister. You'd better stick with Viktor Krum. Or maybe Ron."

-----

SEVERUS SNAPE AND MINERVA MCGONAGALL

"I hate Gryffindors! I hate your stupid lion! I hate red and gold! I hate Transfigurations! I hate Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and even Lavender Brown! I hate that stupid Gryffindor sword that stupid Albus Dumbledore has hanging up in his office--you two aren't having an affair, are you?"

Minerva quickly shook her head.

"Back to what I was saying. . . I hate your Quidditch team! I hate Gryffindor Tower! I hate red and gold!"

"You said that already."

"I hate the fact that your stupid house always wins the stupid House Cup now that stupid Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts! I hate the way everyone likes your house animal better than mine! I hate the Fat Lady! I hate cats! I hate Animagi! And most of all, I hate you!!"

"I hate you, too, Severus!"

Minerva and Severus then knocked the bottles off Severus's desk and proceeded to make mad, mad passionate love in the dungeons between classes.