For the Child

Chapter 02: "Fare Thee Well, My Own True Love"

Fare thee well,

My own true love.

Farewell for a while.

I'm going away,

But I'll be back,

Though I go 10,000 miles.

10,000 miles,

My own true love.

10,000 miles or more.

The rocks may melt,

And the seas may burn,

If I should not return.

Oh, don't you see,

That lonesome dove,

Sitting on an ivy tree?

She's weeping for

Her own true love,

As I shall weep for mine.

Oh, come ye back,

My own true love,

And stay a while with me.

If I had a friend,

All on this earth,

You've been a friend to me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

27 December 1981

Severus sat frozen in his chair. His dilated, bloodshot eyes focused straight ahead at a silver basin-like object that rested on his desk, just inches within his grasp. It seductively beckoned for him to surrender unconditionally to its will, to become a slave to his deepest, innermost desires by losing himself amongst the silvery wisps of smoke that danced in it's circular shape. It's simplicity in looks was it's greatest lure for how could Severus pass up something that appeared so harmless and innocent? Each day he had promised himself that he would stay away from the temptation it held inside, but the more it sat unused, the more it begged for Severus to give in to his weakness and partake in the bittersweet satisfaction that it brought him. The raven haired man could tolerate almost anything that life threw his way. He'd endured numerous crucios from his fellow Death Eaters during his time as a spy; he'd even suffered through a horrendous childhood being hated, abused and neglected by both his parents, but what he could not bear was to spend each day trying in vain to remember how his cold heart had melted at the sight of Lily's green eyes were or how proud he had been at the sight of his son taking his first steps. His biggest fear was forgetting the only things Lily and Harry had left behind: memories. It was this fear that begat the obsession that overtook him in the days following Harry's departure.

After Harry had been delivered to Number 4 Privet Drive, Severus took up residence in the dungeons of Hogwarts Castle. It hadn't been a conscious decision, but he had no other place to go and the uninviting dungeons offered his tortured soul the isolation and privacy that he sought. Days upon days he would lock himself within his dark and dank quarters without surfacing. No longer did he feel the need to participate in a world that had been so cruel to him and, therefore, became somewhat of a recluse. Only rarely did he venture out, and even so, it was exclusively at night that he would emerge from his self-designated domicile. This was usually to collect ingredients for the potion he was concocting. His visits above ground were infrequent and swift as he preferred to avoid the company of meddlesome teachers and irksome students. No one ever dared disturb him, not even Dumbledore. As he wished, Severus was left alone to make his potion. The particular potion that he was working on was a memory enhancer that would enable him to recall his memories in great detail, even the most obscure ones that had been long forgotten, by pulling them from the unconscious part of his brain and storing them temporarily in the conscious part. He wanted to preserve every last detail of his wife and son for he felt it was all he had left of them. Unfortunately, the memory enhancement wasn't permanent and gave Severus a mere hour's time to collect his thoughts and place them in a pensieve. Carefully and precisely, Severus measured the ingredients and added them to his cauldron according to the all too specific instructions. If he messed up, he'd have to wait until the next full moon to brew another batch. Even Severus, who considered himself a sage when it came to potion-making, was intimidated by the complicated directions. However, the preparation gave him no trouble and once the potion was finished simmering, Severus cooled it and poured it into a flask from which he drank. All he could do was wait.

In a few seconds time, a flood of images bombarded his mind. They were so vivid, so clear, so exact! A thousand scenes from his past appeared simultaneously. Without wasting any time, Severus hurriedly put all the memories that he could, pertaining to Lily and Harry, into the pensieve. There were so many images that filled his mind, from his first memory to the most recent, he had to quickly sift through them to find the ones that he was looking for. Only when the images begin to fade did he stop what he was doing. Though exhausted, Severus held in his hands his redemption. This little silver object filled with his most cherished memories was going to set his soul free and provide him with what he lacked and missed the most--or so he thought. Over the course of the next few weeks, the pensieve turned out to be more of a curse than a blessing as gradually Severus found out that nothing could ever replace what had been violently ripped from him. Not even the pensieve. Soon, he discovered that the phantoms it contained were cold substitutes for the real thing, but it didn't deter him from exploiting the tool's purpose. At first, he would use it every two to three days to satisfy a need that gnawed on him until its demands were met. After a couple of weeks, he began using it every day, sometimes twice a day to feed an addiction that continued to grow stronger with each use. Every time he traveled into the shadows of the past, he would mentally berate himself for being so foolish as to think that his appetite for his family could be sated by witnessing the long gone actions of mere illusions. She's dead and he's gone, Severus would tell himself over and over. It was an idea that his mind just couldn't seem to grasp. The memories made him feel more often worse than better, but it did not dissuade his voracious hunger for just the slightest glimpse of them. As each scene passed before his eyes, he felt nothing but guilt and anguish. He craved to reach out into the shallow images to hold his wife or to muss Harry's black hair. His soul cried out to be released from the chains of sorrow that had also wrapped his heart in a permanent black veil. Before long, he began to wonder if perhaps death wouldn't give him the peace he so desperately desired rather than continue to live this life of emptiness and unbearable grief.

Thoughts of death enticed him several times in the two months following Harry's abrupt exit from his life. It was his only hope of freedom from the pain that had allowed unhappiness and sadness to amass his soul. His family had been his life, it was the sole reason he had existed. He'd been the unpopular, weird and odd Snivellus Snape before Lily came into his life. She was extraordinarily pretty and remarkably kind, but most of all, she had loved him for him. Merlin knows that he hadn't been easy to love as he was a lot of the time disagreeable, ill-tempered and for the most part stubborn and unyielding; nevertheless Lily, in her understanding way, accepted her husband for who he was, no questions asked and no expectations of change. So many times he had underestimated her love for him, but thankfully she wasn't as quick to anger as he and overlooked many of the sarcastic remarks that passed his lips. She was the only one who could soothe his soul and quiet his incessant worries and paranoia. It wasn't unusual for Lily to turn into her animagus form and sit on Severus' lap. Though he hated to admit it, it calmed him to gently stroke her fur while she purred softly. Even as an animal Lily had been beautiful. With soft cinnamon brown stripes overlapping ginger colored fur, she had been one of the most gorgeous cats Severus had ever seen.

While Lily gave him purpose, Harry gave him reason. As long as they were a family, he had a reason for being in the world. Without them, he was lost, as lost as he was before he'd first laid eyes on Lily at platform 9 ¾ when they were just eleven years old. That hadn't been that long ago, but suddenly Severus felt older than his twenty-five years. His head throbbed, his heart ached and his whole body shook as he sought to escape the present world which he could not share with his wife and son. An all too familiar feeling swept his body once again. Surging through his veins was an urgency to once more explore the priceless treasures of the pensieve, the object that Severus had vehemently sworn off. For much of the day, his brain defied the wishes of his heart, but in denying the heart, Severus also denied his body. Since early that morning, he had just enough energy to sit languidly in his chair, wasting the day away trying to resist the temptation of the object that had so easily accrued so much power over him. It was a battle of wills that Severus should have effortlessly won weeks or even months ago, but he hadn't a reason to win. Each day he needed to see more, to hear more and to hurt more. He felt he deserved to suffer, as though it would avenge those he had wronged by his actions, namely Lily and Harry. Then today, of all days, he had decided to lay aside the pensieve. What a foolish decision it had been because today, particularly today, would've been the day to lose himself within the pensieve's shadowy depths.

Severus's hands clutched the arms of the chair until all the blood had drained from them. Beads of sweat trickled in turns down his sunken, pale face as he concentrated earnestly on beating the addiction that had enveloped him. If he could withstand the pensieve's ensnarement today, then he would be given hope for doing the same tomorrow. Time passed slowly as each second had to be accounted for. They did not pass fast enough for Severus, who's will grew weaker by the minute. He felt as though he was holding on to a rope which was slipping little by little through numb fingers. No matter how much strength he had, it would always have more.

For a few more minutes Severus persevered, ashamed that he was battling an inanimate object for control over himself. When did you become so pathetic?? How could Lily ever love someone as cowardly as you?? How could you have ever expected your son to be proud of a father that couldn't hold his own against a pensieve?? You couldn't save Lily or James, so what makes you think you'll save yourself?? These thoughts swam around his mind until he couldn't take it anymore. He shot up from his chair with such a force that it was knocked over. Hanging his head in defeat, he stomped over to the pensieve, stopping just short of the desk upon which it laid. His resistance had proven just as damaging as his submission, so what did it matter anymore what he did or didn't do? Who was he hurting? It wasn't like he was hurting Harry as Harry was hundreds of miles away living with his aunt and uncle. He'd never get to see him again, not that he hadn't tried to. Several times Severus had planned to sneak away to check on his son, but each time he had been warned by Dumbledore that it was better for him not to go anywhere near Harry. It was for his own protection as well as his son's. There were Death Eaters still lurking around and they would like nothing better to send Harry on his way to meet his mother for killing their master. Dumbledore had reason to believe that they would stalk Severus in order to find The-Boy-Who-Lived. In the end, like always, Severus acquiesced to Dumbledore's wishes and reluctantly stayed away from his wee lad. Even though the Headmaster had their best interests at heart, deep down a small part of Severus blamed him for having to give his son away and he hated the old man for it.

"Damn him! Damn them all!!" he shouted in frustration. His deep, powerful voice bounced off the dungeons' stone walls. Damn Lily for talking me into marrying her even though I knew it wasn't safe! Damn James Potter for devising the scheme that allowed us to get married! And damn Harry for ever being born!

Towards the heavens he looked and yelled angrily, "I hate you, Lily! I hate you and your arrogant, prideful Gryffindor friends--Potter, Black, Lupin... ALL OF THEM! Look where all your Gryffindor bravery and courage got you... DEAD!! You're dead! You're fucking dead and you're never coming back!!"

Unable to deal with this harsh reality any longer, Severus bore his eyes into the silvery mist that swirled inside the pensieve and waited for it to take him away from his wretched life. Almost instantaneously, he felt himself being sucked into his own memories like so many other times before. As the scene before him changed, his dungeon quarters faded to reveal a hospital room at St. Mungo's. In the distance, he could see his late wife and immediately regretted his cross words. As his fury dulled, Severus found himself trying to swallow a lump that had gathered in his throat while he watched the memory unfold. How interesting that of all the memories stored in the pensieve, this was the one he'd gotten sucked into. He remembered this specific day all too well...

"Oh, Merlin, I don't think I can do this much longer..."

Lily's red hair was drenched with sweat from her labor and her green eyes were dull with fatigue. She panted as she tried to assuage the pain through breathing exercises. It had been two hours since she started pushing and she had made only meager progress. The medi-wizard had called for a little break so that she could gather her strength for the arduous task that lay ahead. Her husband was at her side, holding her hand and stroking her sweat soaked face.

"Well, you didn't expect the baby to just slip out did you?" he asked dryly.

She laughed. Oh, what an infectious laugh she had! "No, but we've been here since yesterday afternoon and this baby's no closer to coming out that when we arrived! If he's anything like his father, he's in his natural habitat--damp and dark. I don't think anything will persuade him to leave!"

"I'll take that as a compliment. If I recall, it was the prodding in dark and damp places that got you in this situation in the first place. And you weren't complaining then." Smiling, he planted a kiss on her forehead. "Don't worry, we'll get through this."

In his wife's eyes, he could see all the love and trust she harbored for him. A glimpse of her face was all it took for Severus to bow to her every want and need as he never wanted to let her down. How could he deny her anything with those hauntingly memorable eyes staring back at him?

"Please, Love, let me see you." She pleaded with as much strength as she could muster, whispering so that no one else could hear her.

Donning his most sympathetic look, he gently told her, "You know I can't, Lily. It's not safe."

Another contraction hit and the red head gritted her teeth and breathed in sharply and exhaled in short puffs. When it was over, she turned to Severus, her begging more urgent.

"Please, I want 'you' to be here for our baby's birth, not 'him'."

"I am here, Lily. It's me."

"But I want to see 'your' face when you see our child! I want your expression etched in my memory forever. When I close my eyes, I want to be able to see 'your' face, not anybody else's."

Severus hesitated, thinking it over in his head. He couldn't risk the safety of his wife and child by appearing in his true form out in public, but he didn't want to disappoint his wife. Thinking quickly, he remembered an obscure spell he had come across in an ancient book of spells he'd purchased years ago in Knockturn Alley.

"I know of a spell that will reveal myself, but only to you. It lasts several minutes, but I don't know if it will last long enough for the baby to be born."

"Please do it! I need you so much! I know you're there, I just need to see you!" Out of desperation to see her husband and the frustration of her prolonged labor, Lily began to cry and Severus knew he could refuse her no longer. Softly, he murmured an incantation that she alone could hear. As soon as the last syllable was uttered, his features began to change. In a second's time, the form of James Potter had faded into that of Severus Snape.

Lily reached out to touch her beloved's face, "Much better."

Sarcastically, he replied, "I'm glad you think so. I thought you had gotten used to seeing me as James Potter and my self worth plummeted."

Lily chuckled weakly, "You're too arrogant and proud to ever let someone else bring you down. Especially James."

"Ha!" Severus scoffed, "You're one to talk about arrogance and pride! Aren't those qualities prized and possessed by Gryffindors?! When you lot were at Hogwarts, did you notice that there were three other houses besides your own?? Perhaps not since that would've required you to acknowledge the existence of the rest of us."

"Oh, there were 'three' houses??" Lily assumed her husband's sardonic attitude, "I only remember two--Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Perhaps it was because I hadn't the desire to go about looking under rocks for the third." Severus glared at his wife, opening his mouth to spout a retort, but he didn't get a chance. Just then, a contraction hit full force and Lily clamped her hand down on his, gripping her fingers around his hand tightly. Her long, sharp nails burrowed like razors into his flesh. He knew he'd gotten what he deserved so when the contraction passed, he never said a word about the blood that she'd drawn. A few seconds later, the medi-wizard returned to the room and placed himself in front of Lily's opened legs.

"Are you ready to continue, Mrs. Potter?" The smiling medi-wizard asked jovially. Lily nodded her head, drew in a deep breath and pushed. And pushed... And pushed... Severus held her hand and encouraged her to keep going. When he saw that she was once more becoming tired and frustrated, he leaned over and whispered into her ear, "I don't know how much longer I have before the spell wears off, but if you want to see my face looking at the baby, you'd better give it more effort than that. Otherwise, you're going to have to endure watching an ugly git of a Gryffindor gaping proudly at our child."

Irked, Lily flashed her smirking husband a most murderous look. That was the incentive for Lily to gather all the strength she had and push until she could no longer feel the pain of her uterine muscles contracting . Concentrating heavily on the two things that mattered most in her life-Severus and her yet to be born child-- she pushed and screamed until a wailing, flailing babe was placed on her still swollen belly. After the cord was severed, the proud, albeit tired, mother took her new son into her arms and cried tears of joy. Severus sat on the bed next to them and drank up the amazing sight of mother and child. It was a scene that he never wanted to forget. After counting ten fingers and toes, Lily handed her son over to his father so that she could admire the two of them together. At first, Severus felt awkward with a baby in his arms, seeing how he had never considered himself the fatherly type. But upon realizing this was 'his' child, something he helped create, that would forever be apart of him, he relaxed and regarded the baby with the wild black hair lovingly. If he'd been a damned Gryffindor he would've cried, but being the Slytherin that he was, he shed a few tears then pretended he had an eyelash stuck in his eye.

Not much had awed Severus Snape in his lifetime, for his nature had not permitted him to gawk and stare in wonder, but the little guy in his arms had him bewitched, more so than any spell could've done. He was awestruck by this perfect, innocent little person and wondered how such a beautiful being could come from someone so dark and cynical. Then he remembered the child's mother. It was she that saw a light in him amidst all his darkness. He looked at her and realized that unshed tears still clouded his eyes. His wife smiled knowingly. Trying to avert her attention from his misty eyes, he commented nonchalantly, "He looks quite like a future Slytherin prefect, doesn't he?"

"That's the most absurd idea I've ever heard! He can't be a Slytherin prefect!"

Severus' head snapped up to meet his wife's face. Furious and puzzled, he bellowed, "Why ever not?!"

Coolly, Lily replied, "Because he's going to be a Gryffindor prefect."

"HE'S NOT GOING TO BE IN GRYFFINDOR!!" Severus practically spat out the last word as if it were an Unforgivable. His yelling had startled the baby who began to cry. Not sure what to do, he handed the child back to his mother.

"It's ok, little cub. Shhhhh...."

More than a little annoyed, Snape asked, "Why do you have to call him that???"

"Because 'baby snake' doesn't have quite the same ring. Besides, he was borne not hatched."

If it was possible for Severus' scowl to become any bigger than what it already was, it did. What made him even more mad was seeing the amused smile on his wife's face. She was enjoying it! Her eyes danced with mirth, those same eyes that had captured his soul years ago...

At this point, Severus became nauseated and couldn't stomach anymore. He didn't want to see Lily smile and he didn't want to see his son. As usual, he left the past feeling none the better. Severus needed to escape himself, if that were possible. The dungeons and the pensieve reminded him of his failures as a man, as a son, as a husband and as a father. It didn't take him long to decide that he had to get out of the dungeons. He started towards the door like a bull charging towards a matador. He was in such a hurry that he didn't even take the time to open it, instead, he brandished his wand and yelled, "Eruptio!" With a loud bang, the old wooden door that led to the dungeons exploded outward as a bright yellow light resembling a lightning bolt hit it. Several large pieces crashed to the stone floor just before Severus impatiently ran passed them on his way aboveground.

As he ran from his dungeons out of the castle and into the night, he could not escape the darkness. It followed him relentlessly wherever he went as it had all his life. His mother had told him at an early age that he would forever live his life under a grey cloud; her prediction had been true for the most part. Wherever he was there would be sorrow, whomever he associated with would be tainted and fate would not look kindly upon them, whatever he did would ultimately start a chain of destruction around him. There was just no end to the pain in his life. Lily was suppose to be his redeemer but instead she was dead because of him. No one and nothing could help him.

The night was cold and Severus could see his breath as he stomped wrathfully across the grounds towards no place in particular. A light breeze made his black robes billow even more than usual and his black boots left muddy indentations in the earth softened by the snow that had fallen just a few hours ago. His hands were balled up into tights fists, his right one still clutching his wand which was ready to do battle upon the faintest command. Anything that got in his way was promptly removed by it. Such unlucky victims was a patch of flowers Severus had come upon. Red streaks of light flew wildly left and right to remove the wretched things from his sight. Petals of all hues, shapes and sizes lay strewn all over the ground amid broken stems and detached leaves. Finally, Severus got tired of using magic and madly started kicking at the blossoms and stamping their remains into the earth, spending all his pent up rage and animosity that had been building for weeks. While he hacked away, he didn't notice a figure stealthily approaching him from behind.

"Professor McGonagall will be very upset when she finds that her flowers have been destroyed."

Whirling around, Severus saw the source of the voice through his narrowed eyes and felt nothing but utter contempt for this man who had been like a father to him.

"YOU!" Severus pointed at Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who stood calmly a few feet away. Momentarily, he forgot the flowers and irately trudged passed them, trampling the few that were left. Though the two were now face to face, Severus screamed as though a wide lake were between them. "I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME AND MY SON!" Spit flew everywhere and the young man looked as if he were ready to attack, but Dumbledore stood unfaltering and unwavering, not even batting an eye. With the feeling that Severus had more to say, the headmaster refrained from speaking. He was, of course, correct in his assumption

"Why?! Why did you allow Lily and me to marry?? Surely, you knew that something like this was bound to happen! Why didn't you tell us that we should wait??!! If the Order could've defeated the Dark Lord before we married, then Lily would've been alive today, our son would be with us and I wouldn't be wasting my time on a damn pensieve!"

Severus was breathing heavily. There was so much more energy he needed to burn, but he managed to restrain himself and waited for Dumbledore's response. It came after many minutes of silence.

In his most serene voice, Albus replied, "I'm sure Petunia and Vernon Dursley would be willing to hand Harry back to you, Severus. We can apparate to Surrey from Hogsmeade and have Harry back here before dawn."

Bewildered, Severus didn't know what to say at first. Rage turned into confusion as he tried to digest what he'd just heard.

"You're saying that we should go get Harry and bring him here? I thought you said it wasn't safe for Harry to grow up in our world??"

"I did say that, yes."

"So then why are you suggesting that I go get Harry and bring him here if it will put his life in danger??"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Yes.. NO! I want my son, but I don't want to put his life in danger!" Severus was getting flustered as he didn't understand where Dumbledore was going with this. Sometimes he wished that Albus would just say what he meant instead of trying to make a point. He wasn't in the mood for games.

"Ahhh, but if you had to make a decision, which one would it be: to bring Harry here and perhaps endanger his life or leave him with his aunt and uncle where he will be able grow up away from those that want to harm him?"

Defeated, Severus admitted quietly, "I'd rather him grow up healthy, away from the fear and suspicion that someone is out to get him."

Albus's blue eyes twinkled from behind his half-moon spectacles. "Then your decision is made. I gave you several choices, but you were the one who made the ultimate decision. You see, Severus, life gives us many, many choices, and it is up to us to make decisions with consequences with which we can live and accept. Lily knew that if she married you that her life would be in danger. She was no fool, Severus, but she loved you so much that she couldn't stand the thought of living her life without you. Once, right after the two of you graduated from Hogwarts, Lily told me that she would rather have one blissful day of being married to you than have to endure a lifetime without you."

"But it wouldn't have been a lifetime!"

Sadly, the Headmaster confided, "Voldemort was growing stronger and attracting more followers everyday. There's no way of knowing how long it would've been before we could've stopped him. Even if you hadn't married Lily, who is to say that either of you would've still been alive if and when he was defeated?"

Severus sighed heavily. "But at least..." His voice trailed off into the misty darkness. He couldn't bear to finish his own sentence because he would be putting his most private thoughts into words. To Severus, this would be admission to the guilty thoughts that had tormented him since the night his wife had been murdered.

"...it wouldn't have been your fault?" Dumbledore finished the younger man's thought and was promptly acknowledged by a solemn nod. He knew how Severus felt as the Headmaster could see the black aura emanating from his thinning body. He sensed the intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and remorse that swirled in it's faint glow. Severus's profound pain dampened the air around them. For the past two months, Albus had worried himself over his guest but knew that Severus had to overcome this heartache himself, that is if it was possible to ever really get over losing one's family in one night. All he could do was offer the support that he knew Severus would never use... until now. Now was different. Severus had endured all that was humanly possible. After months of torturing himself with the memories of his dead wife and absent son, he'd been brought to his knees, collapsing under the weight of the heavy burdens he'd carried since November. While he was too proud to vociferate an entreaty for a release from his sorrow, Dumbledore could hear Severus's soul bitterly howl for death to come and claim him. It was a lamentation that Albus was all too familiar with and from personal experience, he knew that the only one who could save Severus was Severus.

Dumbledore benignly shook his head, "Severus, how can I make you understand that Lily's death was not your fault?"

Severus' bitter tone returned to his voice as he snapped, "How can I make you understand that it was?? I was a spy for Merlin's sake! I knew the risks and the consequences of associating with Death Eaters, yet I married Lily anyway! Not only did I seal her fate, but the fate of our son and anyone else connected to me! In fact, I'm not only responsible for Lily's death, but for the death of James Potter as well! I'd asked him to come over and stay with Lily because the mark started to burn and I had to go..." He stopped then violently shook his head. "I can't believe I feel even a bit of remorse about his death because it was his bloody scheme that allowed Lily and me to marry in the first place! Damn fools!! All Gryffindors--Lily, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew, Black-- are and WERE-- nothing but careless, reckless fools! Where are they now?? Lily, Potter and Pettigrew--dead! Black--in Azkaban, the filthy traitor... "

Even though he had been a member of Gryffindor as a student at Hogwarts, Albus wasn't the slightest bothered by the remark that slighted his former house. Choosing to ignore the comment, he instead focused on the more important issue at hand. "Why then did you marry her? You had a choice, did you not?"

Snape knew the Headmaster spoke the truth but how could he find the right words to describe to this man how Lily had bewitched him. Without using magic, she had somehow managed to charm him so that he had no choice but to surrender unconditionally to her desires. "Do you know how fucking hard it was to deny her anything she asked for?!? She was the only person that could crush my resistance with a mere glance at those green eyes of hers! There was something about her that rendered me defenseless and weak..."

Albus smiled and stroked his long beard. "When I was younger, I was quite the irascible and cantankerous fellow. As a professor, I had little patience with my pupils and no tolerance for work that was less than perfect. I brooded time away and buried myself deeper and deeper into work that I believed to be so important until one day...," he paused briefly letting the surreal blithe feelings that the memory always brought him overwhelm his senses. Getting a far away look in his crystalline eyes, he continued, his words tenderly wrapped in a fondness that only nostalgia could conjure. "One day, I looked up from my desk to see a most stunning young woman standing in front of me. At that moment, I felt emotions that I'd never known to exist. One glance at her and my life was never the same again for suddenly I knew that nothing--not my work, not even myself--was more important than the lady that stood before me. To me, the sun rose and sat at her behest, the tides crashed upon the shore at the climax of her passion and the moon glowed with her beauty. It was then, for the first time, that I knew what real love was. Love was born in an instant when an unexpected glance caused my very soul to tremble with recognition. From then on, I could refuse her almost nothing."

Dumbledore bent over to pick up a flower that lay crumbled on the cold, saturated earth. It was one of the many flowers that lay scattered about the ground because of Severus's wrath. "My dear friend, you weren't defenseless or weak, but in love. The happiness and joy that Lily brought you awakened apart of you that had for so long been obscured by scars accrued from those who have wronged you throughout your life. You, like myself, needed the love of another to smooth your rough edges and to calm your temper. Lily did just that. Love does wonders for the human spirit for when someone cares enough to love us in our perfectly imperfect form, they give us back the faith we were born with."

Severus gazed out onto the barren, snow clad hills. Now that winter inhabited the earth, life retreated into a long slumber to abide the rest of the frigid season. Birds had stopped filling the days with their mirthful tunes, trees no longer offered cool shade to those who tarried beneath their branches and the gentle trickling of a nearby stream ceased to offer it's tranquility as the freezing temperatures transformed the water into ice. A deadening silence had blanketed the land. The sun disappeared for days at a time behind thick grey clouds that brought snow and cold temperatures. Most of the hours of the day were spent in perpetual darkness helping create the illusion that hope and faith as well as love were dead--extinguished from the hearts of those who still believed in them. This rang true for Severus who couldn't see redemption in anything since he'd been robbed of Lily and Harry. He was an eternal winter who was as dead on the outside as he was on the inside. There would be no reawakening and rebirth in a few months time for in his world, night would never give way to another day. Nature's death mirrored the dissolution of his own soul.

Without averting his gaze, he spoke softly, "I just want to know why Black turned Potter, Lily and me in to Voldemort. Lily and I trusted him to keep our marriage a secret, that's why we made him our Secret Keeper. We made him Harry's godfather..." Severus's voice dwindled into nothingness. His emotional reservoir was depleted. He hadn't felt joy or happiness since Lily had been alive and now he didn't even have enough energy to hate.

The headmaster stepped forward and came to stand just to the right of the grieving widower. Looking out towards the same black horizon, he asked in a serious tone, "If you could do it all over again, would you have married Lily?"

Severus turned his head to look at Albus. Fathomless black eyes pierced twinkling blue ones. Deadpanning, he answered tersely, "No."

The spiritual emptiness and emotional void that Dumbledore saw in the younger man's tired eyes disturbed him so much that it caused the twinkling to cease in his own eyes. As a ghost is spirit without form, Severus seemed to be a form without spirit, wondering aimlessly through his bleak existence too numb to feel the pain that was killing him.

The feeling of helplessness was so overwhelming that the Headmaster turned away, no longer able to look Severus in the eye. He felt as though he'd failed the younger man who had given up so much for a cause so great. As grateful and thankful as Dumbledore knew the wizarding world was to be rid of Voldemort, he also knew they had no clue as to how big of a price it was Severus, Lily and Harry had to pay.

Sniffling and coughing, Albus fought in earnest to hold back the tears that teased his eyes. Thoughts of the Evans/Snape family always triggered a particularly emotional response in the Headmaster since "the night", especially the memories of the vivacious, sweet tempered red-head, Lily. She was too talented, too beautiful, too loving to have been struck down so young. She was only twenty-five. Once, Dumbledore had asked a fourteen-year old Lily what she wanted to do with her life, and after careful thought and consideration, her answer was simple: "I want to change the world." In a way, she had. By sacrificing her own life for that of her wee son's, she not only saved him but through him she had saved the world from Voldemort's reign of terror. Dumbledore had not seen her crumpled, lifeless body with his own eyes, though in his dreams he'd seen it many times. Her glassy eyes would stare up at him from where she had fallen on the nursery floor. He would mourned the empty body that lay motionless before him and thought about all the things it once did and would never do again...

By now the tears were visible in his eyes and with a trembling hand, Albus swiped them away. He felt like an old fool. His purpose for being out here was to help Severus, but he himself had succumb to the same dark, sorrowful thoughts that had occupied the mind of his young companion these last couple of months. Clearing his throat, he once again spoke, drawing Severus out of his reverie.

"There's been something that I've been meaning to ask you, Severus..." He waited for a response and when none was forthcoming, he continued. "Severus, Professor Dmitriev has left Hogwarts to teach Potions at Durmstrang therefore leaving us in need of a Potions Master. The students will be returning in a mere two weeks and I need someone to fill the position who has superior knowledge in the field of potions. I believe you are remarkably skilled in the subject and would like to offer you the position."

Severus didn't want to be burdened with students or grading papers. He didn't want to witness the milestones of strangers' children when he would miss the milestones of his own son. How could Albus ask this of him knowing all that he'd been through?

Just as Severus was about to refuse the offer, he heard Albus say, "One day, you will be able to teach your own son when he comes to Hogwarts. And you can choose whether to tell him or not that your are his father and that his last name is not a reflection of his true parentage."

"What?! I didn't think that it was safe for Harry to live in our world?" Something within Severus' heart awakened. Hope, perhaps? He tried to remain skeptical, but it was too late.

"Right now, it is not safe for Harry to grow up in our world, but he is a wizard, after all, and will eventually need training in order to develop his powers. When he is of age, he will receive his Hogwarts letter and thus begin his magical education."

It wasn't exactly joy that Severus felt for he knew that Harry would have to spend the next ten years living with those dimwitted Dursleys, believing that James Potter was his father and that both his parents were dead. Severus also knew that Harry would probably grow up never knowing that a magical world existed because of Petunia and Vernon's hatred of all things magical. It made his stomach turn to know that his beloved son was in the hands of such idiots, but at the same time he felt relief to know that they would one day be reunited. If he accepted the Headmaster's proposition, then he would be a professor at Hogwarts and therefore able to keep a watchful eye of his son's every move. They would never have to be separated again!

His mind made up, he promptly agreed to become Hogwarts's new Potions Master. It didn't matter that he was severely introverted or that he didn't like children very much, his goal of being reunited with his son made the obstacles pale in comparison. Though his heart was still heavy with sadness, a tiny part of it was redeemed with hope.

In silent agreement, the two men made their way back to the castle. Just before going inside, Severus questioned the Headmaster, "What does Minerva want with a garden, in the middle of winter, no less?"

Albus smiled, "Like you, Minerva has suffered some terrible setbacks in her time. Years ago, she suffered a loss that affected her very deeply. She kept her chin up and was strong, but for many months she barely spoke a word, barely ate. It took much longer before she could laugh again. One day, in an attempt to come to terms with her grief and to fill a gaping void in her life, she decided to plant a garden. For many days she labored, diligently sowing each seed by hand. To ensure that she could enjoy the company of her flowers the whole year around, she charmed the soil so that no matter the season, the flowers would always be in bloom.

"At first, she visited the garden almost daily as it seemed to bring her closer to the things that had been taken from her, but as the years passed, the visits lessened. It appears that in recent years, she visits her floral companions to find solace and peace away from her sometimes hectic job as Deputy Headmistress." Dumbledore brought the flower he'd picked up earlier up to his face and stared at it's limp form. Softly stroking it's white petals, he added, "Remember this Severus, we were given memories so that we might have roses in December, not rocks in our shoes. Let your memories be your blessings, not your burdens." Handing Severus the flower, Dumbledore turned and entered the castle, leaving his friend outside to ponder his words.

Almost immediately, Severus came to the conclusion that he needed to get rid of the pensieve. He didn't want to destroy it, but instead he thought about arranging for it to be put in his vault at Gringott's. Somehow, he knew the only way to work through his despair was without it. There was no other alternative as he had his son to think about now. Harry was no longer just a distant memory of his past, but would be part of the new Potions Master's future.

Sighing, he looked down at the ravaged flower. Upon closer inspection, he was somehow comforted to discover that it was his late wife's namesake. For some odd reason, by merely holding the small blossom in his hand, he felt just a little bit closer to Lily. Delicately, he placed it in his pocket to be put up later. Just before setting off for the dungeons, he instinctively looked up at the night sky and whispered almost inaudibly, "Happy anniversary, Lily. I didn't forget this year."