An Open Letter to All Harry Potter Characters

An Open Letter to all Harry Potter Characters

Dear characters of the Harry Potter series,

We, the righteous and noble denizens and scribes (all right, Internet geeks and shameless Fan Fiction writers, happy now?) of Fiction Alley, are not your creators. We did not invent Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, the Ministry of Magic or any other amusing magical locations/creatures/instruments. While this is unpleasant for us to admit that we have merely stolen the ideas of a blonde multi-millionaire, we have incorporated our own ideas. This can explain events that happen in Fan Fiction that never happen in Canon.

However, something has been troubling us. A number of complaints have reached our ears of late. Complaints along the lines of, 'Oh my God, that is sooooo out of character for me!' and, 'Blaaaaargh, I'd never date that minger!' and even, 'That's it, I am suing that author's ass!'

Well, sorry to bust your bubble kids, but seeing as we don't get paid for doing this, we like to make it worth our while with random unpleasantness, odd pairings and strange fashion choices. It's purely out of massive amounts of boredom (and a certain degree of voyeurism, I think) that we inflict these awful events/relationships/clothes/happenings/natural disasters upon you.

We like to make others suffer in order to fulfil our own worthless lives, that's what you're thinking, yes? I know your mind. That's right, I do. I've written enough about you all and read enough about you to know everything from your shoe size (Harry Potter's a nine!) right down to your oh-so-sneaky hair bleaching appointments (coughDracocough).

Now, just to clarify things even further, I would like to point out the following.

Harry Potter, we are going to kill/maim/disfigure/decapitate you as often as we like. We have that intoxicating power wherein we can play God without actually killing/maiming/disfiguring/decapitating you in reality. Neat, huh? (Unless of course what we write becomes a reality in some alternate universe, and if this is true we're all pretty much screwed. I'm going to lie down in a corner until I stop shaking from blind terror caused by my own insanity.)

Also, our dear little Harry, it is our privilege to set you up with anyone from Hannah Abbott to Cho Chang and even Blaise Zabini (whose gender is decidedly ambiguous to say the least). Heck, we can even make you gay if we like. I believe that somewhere out there, some fan girl/boy is itching to see you dating a camel, and perhaps one day we shall read a Fic featuring such a cute couple - the Boy Who Lived and The Camel Who Spat.

I often feel sorry for you. You have suffered so much in canon already that it seems cruel to put you through more suffering. It's going to happen anyway, what with your creator pitching you against the most evil wizard in creation. Believe us, we would apologise for our cruelty if only J.K. Rowling would hurry up with the series and show us how cruelty is really done. Until that fateful day, Harry Potter, your ass is ours.

Sirius Black, we are currently in a crazy state of denial. We have convinced ourselves that you may be gone, but you're not really dead. We're constantly dreaming up ways to bring you back, each more far-fetched than the last, but it's a damn sight better than what J.K. did to you, I must say! Killing off one of the few sexy characters in the wizarding world? Maddening! Although Severus Snape is not without his charms...

Speaking of Sexy Sevvie, we have designs on L'Oréal or some other kind of shampoo/cosmetics giant taking you under their wing and transforming you into a figure of ravishment, or at least someone clean. We're also on a mad bender of trying to set you up with someone, anyone really, who can tolerate your presence for longer than a minute of rude staring at your nose. Even if they can't abide you, we can still force them to. The power of writing is unlimited, and we are mini-gods who can toy with your lives in such callous, cruel and often criminally insane ways.

Hermione Granger, you are indeed a girl to be pitied. You have assumed the role of Gwenyvar to Lancelot and King Arthur, and we all know how sticky that ended up. We haven't worked out if Harry plays Arthur and Ron Lancelot or vice versa, but between Pumpkin Pie and the Good Ship (see SCUSA on the Fiction Alley Park homepage for more details [click the links to visit these pages!]), you have an extremely tough life. I personally think you're destined for our darling Ron, but again, we have to wait for J.K. to clear this up, too. And even when she does, if we don't like the result we'll just write our own versions to suit ourselves. Selfish? Yes. But satisfactory!

Ron, my poor darling Ron, I am sorry for all the things we put you through. Truly, I am. Between the rivalry between yourself and Harry for Hermione's heart and the failure of your favourite Quidditch team to ever win a match, you are one of the most pitied characters around. I can only take you in small doses because you can be intolerably stupid, but that doesn't mean I don't love you!

Cho Chang, I wouldn't even try to apologise to you. We hate you, pure and simple. That's all there is to it, really.

Draco Malfoy, now you're a lad we've been too nice to without any real reason whatsoever. You're rude, arrogant, conceited, selfish, snobby, inbred (!) and completely and utterly...gorgeous. All right, so maybe it's not without reason. We want you to be on the good side so we can fancy you without guilt. Curse of the fan girl, I suppose, but what can we do? Every time we redeem you and make you into a decent human being, God is probably killing cute fluffy little kittens, so we really should stop. Again, this is one of those things for J.K. Rowling to sort out. If only she could have you disfigured horribly in the future books, it would take an awful lot of guilt off our shoulders.

The leather pants thing, though? I don't think we'll ever apologise for that. That was our crowning glory and first truly original idea. You're stuck with the stigma of leather pants forever. We'll even lay some lovingly across your grave when J.K. finally kills you off.

Ginny Weasley, what can I say? We're so keen on pairing you up with your old crush (i.e. Harry) and the one boy you're probably most incompatible with (Draco, duh) we don't pause to consider your feelings. These are indeed tough cookies, Miss Weasley, but it's just down to the basic fact that we can do this to you if we so please.

The bottom line is, WE CAN DO IT. If the fancy takes us, we will marry Snape off to a giant squid (H.M.S. Rubber Duck forever!). If we so wish it, we will write sordid tales of the debauchery of the Trio. Perhaps we shall even describe the forbidden relations of Dumbledore and Dobby. We will redeem Draco and make him good. We will make Sirius live. We will vanquish Voldemort with nothing more than some dental floss and a ring pull from a can of coke.

Again, the point is: WE DO IT BECAUSE WE CAN.

So, Harry Potter creatures, no hiding behind the corners of Hogwarts corridors waiting to bludgeon us Fan Fic Writers with toasters. No hexing us with the dreaded Curse of the Bogeys. Also, no doing voodoo.

If you do, methinks, we'll be nicer to you. Yep, you heard me right: nicer. You will go for whole months in our fiction without any unpleasantness. It will frighten you, our niceness, because you all just know we're saving the nasty stuff up for some glorious day when we're itching for Book 7 to emerge and put us out of our misery.

So be careful, dwellers of Harry Potter land. We have armies of rabid, belligerent plot bunnies just itching to unleash themselves er...belligerently...on you.

Yours Sincerely,

DoubleEdgedSword,

Writing on behalf of the warm-hearted folks at Fiction Alley (rub their asses and magic happens!)