Ricky Lake

A/N: Since so many people seemed to love Springer so much (beats me why, though, but hey! Who am I to judge?) and wanted another story I decided to make this one. I didn't know if I should make a sequel or a prequel and I wasn't quite sure who to use this time 'round but I finally decided to get this thing posted and then I'd do another using the teachers if you all like this one. It might not be as good as Springer (I, personally think that it is not) but it's still rather enjoyable and there are some new characters that I hope you all enjoy. Featuring Emotional!Voldemort, Denial!Harry, Bitter!Lucius and other various guest and cameo appearances. And one more thing: Liz R., you should really have a more open mind. You said it like Harry being gay was a very bad thing and half the population of the world is homosexual. Besides, that's what fanfiction is: exploring new realms of the books and making them fit your own personal stories. And the keywords told you it would be slash so if you don't like then don't read. Okay, onto the story. Same rules apply here: Read with the typing not against it (muster up that feeling again); the little {} thingies are me talking; and remember that all the mistakes are supposed to be there. And I don't know if you guys have noticed but I can't really start these things off too good, so bear with me. Anyways.....Enjoy!!

Ricky Lake: Hi! Today's show is very special. We only have a few guests and they all know each other somehow but most don't know that the others are here. So get ready for 'I know you're gay so stick to your homosexual way!'

[crowd screams and claps]

Ricky: Okay, lets not waste any time. Our first guest says that she was in love with a man who turned out to be gay and he was secretly sleeping with another man. But now she has reason to believe that the young man she was in love with is not gay after all.

[crowd whispers to each other in shock]

{the Springer crowd is everywhere; what do you expect?}

Ricky: [shrugs] Well, lets meet the young woman. Hermione Granger, come on out!

[crowd cheers and applauds politely as Hermione walks onstage and sits down]

Hermione: Hi, Ricky.

Ricky: Well, lets get right down to it: You say you were in love with a man...

Hermione: That's right...

Ricky: Who turned out to be gay...?

Hermione: Yes...

Ricky: And then you found out that not only was the man you loved gay but he was also seeing someone without telling you?

Hermione: [slightly uncomfortable]...Yes...

Ricky: But now what? You think he's not really gay?

Hermione: [very matter factly] Yes

Ricky: Well, honey, you know, your mind could just be playing tricks on you-

Hermione: Oh, no. What I see him doing - and not doing - is not my mind

Ricky: Okay, well, what is he doing - and not doing - that makes you think he is straight?

Hermione: [looking thoughtful] Well, I see him checking out girls sometimes and, you know, I support gayness, so when a really cute guy passes by I'll tell Harry, but he just won't seem interested.

Crowd: Oooohhhhh

Ricky: Well, there's two sides to every story, so lets hear his. Harry Potter come on out!

[crowd boos]

Harry: [thinking to himself] How come everyone always does that when I walk onstage? [sits next to Hermione]

Ricky: Well hi there.

Harry: Hi, Ricky.

Ricky: Okay, now, I just have to ask; I understand you were on the Jerry Springer show not too long ago, am I right?

Harry: [looking around] Yeah, that's right...

Ricky: Okay, now, I'm led to believe that there was some controversy in the courts. How did that work out?

Harry: Well, we're not allowed to come within a 1000 foot range of Jerry and he is now doing his show in the alley behind his showroom.

[crowd laughs]

Ricky: Okay, I don't know what you did to the poor...weird...man, but just don't do it here. Okay, back to the problem at hand. This young woman here thinks that you, Harry, are straight. What do you have to say to that?...

Harry: I told her before. I'm not. I'm so gay I make Lockhart look straight!

Crowd: Ooohhh!

Ricky:...You two have...talked about this?

Harry: She's always bringing it up!

Hermione: Because I know that he is not gay!

Ricky: How do you know?

Hermione: Okay, well, after I found out that he was gay, I thought, well, why not just go with it, you know? So I took him shopping with me for bathing suits and I let him pick some.

Ricky: Yeah?...

Hermione: Well, the ones he picked were all bikinis and when I tried them on and showed them to Harry, he couldn't stop staring at my chest!

Crowd: Ooohhh!

[Harry shakes his head and laughs]

Ricky: Well Harry, what do you have to say to that?

Harry: She's crazy! Just because I look at a girl's chest doesn't mean I'm straight! And, I mean, look at those; who wouldn't want to stare at them?!

[men in crowd whistle and throw cat calls at Hermione]

[Hermione looks abashed and crosses her arms over her chest]

Hermione: Okay, well then how do you explain the fact that the only man you have ever been with is Draco Malfoy?!

Ricky: Is that true? You've only been with one man?

Harry: [looks uncomfortable]Well, Draco Malfoy is the kind of person who is really hard to get over. I don't think that I'm ready for another relationship right now.

Crowd: Aaawwww

Hermione: [mutters] Bullshit

Harry: Well, what about you! I've never seen you with a guy - !

Hermione: That's because I'm in love with you, you ignorant, prissy, heterosexual git!!

Harry: But - I'm - GAY!!!

Hermione: No you're not!!! And I will --

[Door bell rings]

Crowd: Oooohhhhh

Ricky: Oh! We have a suprise guest, lets see who it is! Mystery guest, come on out!!

[crowd applauds as a transparent figure comes down the steps]

Harry: Myrtle?!?!?!

Myrtle: Harry Potter is not gay!! He is the father of my child!! [puts hands on stomach]

[crowd gasps, Hermione looks like she is going to faint and Harry looks like he is going to throw up]

Ricky: Now, wait a minute. Who are you?

Myrtle: I am the person who is carrying Harry Potter's child!! [points finger at Harry dramatically] Harry Potter impregnated me!!!!

[crowd gasps and mummers in shock]

Ricky: But...you're a ghost. How could Harry impregnate you if, 1.) He's gay, and 2.) He wouldn't be able to touch you?!

Myrtle: Oh, so just because someone can walk through me means I can't get pregnant with Harry Potter's love child?!

Harry: Myrtle, I can barley stand you; why would I want to sleep with you?!?!

Myrtle: Are you saying I'm ugly?!? That's what you're saying, isn't it?!?!? 'Oh, we can see through Moaning Myrtle, that makes her BUTT-UGLY'!!!!!!!!!!

[Myrtle flops down on the floor and cries]

Ricky: Be careful honey, you might hurt the baby....

Harry: There is no baby!!!!!!!!

[Myrtle cries even louder]

[Ricky motions to crewmen and security comes and takes Myrtle backstage]

Hermione: [almost immediately after Myrtle leaves] See! Moaning Myrtle says you're not gay!!

Harry: Moaning Myrtle is crazy!! She watches boys take baths and lives in a toilet: what do you want out of her!!

Hermione: I don't care if she brushes her teeth with a toilet brush! She says your not gay and your not!!

Harry: I cannot believe you!! Do you want to bring Malfoy out here and talk to him yourself? 'Cause I'm sure you'd just love to hear about all the times we got it on in your favorite couch!!!!!

Crowd: Oooohhhhh!

[Hermione looks disgusted and stands up]

Hermione: Ricky, would you be a dear and call security up here, 'cause I'm about to kick Harry Potter's ass!!!!

Crowd: Ricky, Ricky, Ricky

Ricky: Hermione, sweetie; deep breaths. Come on say it with me: [Breathes in deeply] Inhale the positive; [Sighs heavily] Exhale the negative.

[Hermione sits down and glares at Harry]

Hermione: Before this show is through, I will prove that you are not gay Harry James Potter!!!

Harry: I'd like to see you try [sticks tongue out at Hermione]

[Hermione punches Harry]

Crowd: Oooohhhhh!!!!

Harry: [Holding nose] What the bloody hell was that for?!

Hermione: For pretending to be gay and,...and just for being such a whore!!!!

Harry: But I've only slept with one guy; you said so yourself.

Hermione: Shut up!!!

Ricky: Now, I can sense some tension in the room right now so what I'm going to do is threaten you with bringing Moaning Myrtle back if you two don't stop that right now

[Harry and Hermione automatically shut up]

Ricky: That's better. Now lets get back to solving the big-picture problem here. Harry, when did you begin to have these....homosexual...inclinations?

Harry: [looking thoughtful] Ever since I got locked in my cousin Dudley's old room for a week and all I had to read were his gay porno magazines

Hermione: Eeww!

Ricky: [mutters] Hey, whatever floats your boat, kid...One more question, though...

Harry: Shoot

Ricky: Has your immediate family influenced your current sexual preferences in any way?

Harry: Well, I don't really know. I mean, I guess they just kinda pushed me over the gay-cliff, you know?

Ricky: [nods head like she really knows what he is talking about] So then the answer would be yes...--?

[Door bell rings]

Crowd: Ooohhh!

Ricky: Oh! It's the door again! Lets see who rung the bell; Come on out mystery guest!

[crowd applauds politely as a very tall, snake-looking man walks down the stairs]

Harry: Voldemort?!?!

[Voldemort holds arms open and stands next to Harry]

Voldemort: [voice cracks] It's all right, Harry; Daddy Voldemort is here now!! [gives Harry a gigantic bear hug]

Crowd: Aaawww

Ricky: Excuse me. I don't mean to...break up...this little reunion here but, who are you?

Voldemort: [sitting down and wiping tears off of his cheeks] I am Harry Potter's father

[crowd whispers and points in confusion]

Harry: What?!?!?! You're not my father!!

Voldemort: [patting Harry on the head] Shh, baby Harry, shh...

Harry: But --!

Voldemort: [to Ricky] The poor boy is obviously in denial.

Ricky: And why do you think that is, you're most legubriousness?

{okay, since most people don't get that I'll give you a hint: Ever Watch Disney's Hercules?}

Voldemort: [mutters] Well, it could be all the times I tried to kill him but -- No matter!! [looks down at floor] Of course, I blame myself for his being gay--...

[crowd whispers in shock some more]

Ricky: Why is that?

Voldemort: Why, because I was never there! I was always out pillaging and obstructing! I was hardly ever home. It's a wonder he hasn't had a sex change!!

Harry: [to Hermione] See! Even Voldemort says I'm gay!

Voldemort: Well, of course he's gay! Like father like son!! [winks at a man sitting in the front row]

[Harry scoots over in his chair--away from 'Daddy Voldemort']

Ricky: So, you say that Harry is gay and that it is your fault?

Voldemort: [Empathetically] Yes!

Ricky: So then, you are Harry's father?

Voldemort: Of course [turns to Harry and slaps him on the arm] Sit up straight.

[Harry straightens]

Hermione: Wait a second! I have a question: If you are Harry's father, then, who's his mother?...

Voldemort: [looking proud] Harry has no mother; I reproduce A-sexually!

Crowd: Eeeewwwww!!!!!!

[crowd and everyone onstage leans slightly away from Voldemort]

Ricky: [shaking head and looking disgusted] That's it; we really have to start screening our guests

[door bell rings again]

[crowd murmurs in confusion]

Ricky: [mutters] Who the hell -- ? [shrugs] I guess we can fit one more crackpot homosexual fool out here....Come on out third mystery guest of the show!!

[crowd cheers and applauds politely]

[Harry and Hermione gasp and turn away as Snape walks down the stairs and onstage with a fuzzy pink towel wrapped around his body and a pink, plastic shower cap on, holding a rubber ducky and a bath brush]

Ricky: Uh...who are you?

Snape: [looks around] I seem to have come through the wrong door...[wanders aimlessly onstage for a minute before he stands still and thinks again]

Ricky: ...Do you have something to contribute to this current conversation on Harry Potter's sexual preferences?

Snape: [looking dazed and confused] .......No.........

Ricky: Then get the hell out of here!!!

[Snape wanders back to the stairs and turns around]

Snape: Fifty points from Gryffindor!

Harry: For what?!

Snape: .........I don't know........just for.........I guess.........twenty more points!!!!!!!

[Snape turns and leaves through the door which he entered]

{fittingly enough the audience can see flames in the room he entered and stairs that went downward}

Voldemort: You can't take points away from my son!! I am the Dark Lord: I take points away from you! [And then, just for fun] Two hundred points from the guy in the fuzzy pink towel......heehee

Harry: You are not my father!!!

Hermione: And you are not gay!!!!

[Ricky sits down on stairs and pops a couple Midols in her mouth]

Voldemort: [calmly] Now, now, children. We can all be gay together; there's no reason to get jealous --

Hermione: No one is going to be gay! And I would like to speak to Draco Malfoy - Now, if possible!

Crowd: Draco, Draco, Draco, Draco!!!!!!!

[From the crowd a tall, blond man stands up and walks down the stairs onto the stage. The women he was sitting around cry as he leaves]

{But then again, who wouldn't?}

Ricky: [Looking interested for the first time in the past twenty minutes] You're Draco Malfoy?!

Draco: [sitting next to Harry] Why yes I am -- Hey, babe [kisses Harry]

[the majority of the women in audience start crying]

Hermione: Wait a minute! I thought you had broken up!!

Draco: [shrugs] Why are you complaining to me: I'm not the one with the keyboard

Ricky: So then you guys are back together?...When did this happen?

Harry: About an hour after the Jerry Springer Show

Draco: Twice

Voldemort: [voice cracking again] Son-in-law!! [Grabs Draco and gives him a bear hug]

[Draco has to pry himself away from the Dark Lord]

Hermione: But what about Ginny?

Draco: She decided to become a lesbian

Harry: Hey, Hermione! Why don't you hook it up with Ginny?

Hermione: [hysterical] Because I'm not gay and neither are you!! I didn't want it to have to come to this but....Ricky, I have a guest I want to come out

Ricky: Wait a damn minute! This is my show and I am the only one who can call out --....Ah, screw it: Bring out the next guest! [pulls a bottle of alcohol out of jacket pocket and drinks it]

[crowd applauds politely {as if they really care} as a woman comes down the stairs]

Harry: Your guest is Professor McGongall?

[Professor McGongall sits down in empty seat and rests a huge book in her lap]

Hermione: Yes it is. Professor, could you be so kind as to show the people what is in that book...

[A very disgruntled looking Professor McGongall opens the book and reads aloud]

Professor McGongall: 'The following text is here-by brought into being to track the sexual standings of all Hogwarts students as of day of registration and shall not infringe on said sexual standings for the pleasure of the bearer of this book.'

Hermione: [stands up and looks important] Thank you Professor McGongall. [walks back and forth onstage] Now, can you please read Mr. Harry James Potter's entry in that book

[An even more disgruntled looking Professor McGongall flips to the middle of the book and reads]

Professor McGongall: 'Concerning the sexual predilection of Harry J. Potter'...........

[everyone in crowd holds their breath and in the far distance you can hear a drum roll]

Professor McGongall: ............................................

{that doesn't really mean anything; I just thought I'd add to the tension}

Hermione: Well, what the bloody hell does it say!!!

Professor McGongall: I can't read it; there's a smudge

Crowd: 'Oooooohhhhhhhhssssss' mixed in with 'Aaaaaawwwwwwwsssssssss' and a couple of 'Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhssssssss' and maybe a little bit of 'Eeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss' here and there

Hermione: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: [pointing at Hermione] Ha!!!!!

[Hermione puts head between her hands and looks as if she is about to have an embolism]

Professor McGongall: [skimming through book] I can tell you for a fact, though, that Draco Malfoy is gay......Does that help?.......

[women in the audience start to cry again and almost all the men {more than half of whom aren't gay, mind you} wink and throw catcalls at Draco]

[Harry cautiously grabs Draco's hand and throws dirty looks at all the men in the audience]

Hermione: What good does that do me?! I already know the prick is gay; like I'd need a book for that.......

Draco: Hey!! What is that supposed to mean?.....

Professor McGongall: [still looking at book and seemingly oblivious to all that is going on around her].......Voldemort is gay also........

Voldemort: [looks rather perky at this statement] Oh, I'm in there, am I?

Professor McGongall: [looks up for the first time] No, but Dumbledore told me about your little 'fling' about thirty years ago

Voldemort: [voice cracks] Ah yes,....I was so much more flexible those days.......[wipes tear off of cheek]

Hermione: I don't care about Draco Malfoy or Voldemort being gay!!!! All I care about is proving to you all that Harry is not!!!!!!!!

Draco: Put a sock in it!! You're just jealous 'cause I can screw him and you can't!!!

Crowd: Oooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Hermione suddenly runs at Draco and beats the crap out of him]

[Out of nowhere Steve, from the Jerry Springer Show, runs onstage and breaks up the fight]

Hermione: *Beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeeep*!!!!!!!!!!

Draco: Your mother!!!!!

Hermione: You're an asshole!!!

Draco: You're just jealous because Harry enjoys my boot-ay and you're getting none!!!!

Voldemort: [to Hermione] Don't worry dear, if I wasn't gay, I'd give you some

Hermione: Eeewwww!!!! I'd die before I let you touch me!!!!!

Draco: Hey, come on now Granger; Beggars can't be choosers

Crowd: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhh

Hermione: I am not begging!!!!! I wouldn't beg for it if you and I were the last people on the face of the Earth!!!!

Voldemort: Or if there weren't any sheep. Are there sheep?....

Draco: [to Hermione] Hey, don't take it out on me: Just because you're going to die old and alone doesn't mean you have to threaten me with us being the only two people left on the Earth

[Hermione looks thoughtful as Draco's words about her dying old and alone sink in]

Ricky: [finally stands up and throws away the empty alcohol bottle] So, what have we learned so far?....Hermione is in love with a man she claims isn't gay but is bonking a man; Voldemort is Harry's father and is gay; Draco Malfoy is Harry Potter's gay lover who seems to be very happy with his current libidinous proclivity and Hermione is going to die old and alone. Oh, Moaning Myrtle is also having Harry Potter's love child......What a great show!!!

Draco: She's what?!?!

Harry: It isn't really how it sounds --

[out from the floor Myrtle pops up right in front of Harry]

Myrtle: Don't you lie to him Harry Potter!! You know good and well that I am having your love child!!

Harry: Myrtle!!! Don't do that!! And stop saying 'love child'; it's freaky

Draco: I can't believe she's having you're love child.....

Harry: She's not having my love child and she never will!!!!!

Myrtle: [tears welling up in her eyes] Fine.........crush a young girl's dreams why don't you

[goes back into the floor and cries noisily]

Draco: I can't believe you!! What?, the sex isn't good enough for you anymore Potter?!?

Hermione: [to everyone in the audience] If someone has some type of very strong alcoholic beverage and would be kind enough to give it to me I'd be very much obliged.....

Harry: She is not having my love child and besides....if I was going to leave you it wouldn't be because of the sex............believe me......[winks at Draco]

Hermione: [mutters] Dear lord........

Voldemort: [suddenly looking down at his chest] Do you think I need a boob job?......

[everyone just turns and stares at him for a minute]

Voldemort: [looking at everyone and shrugging] What?...I was just asking......

[Door bell rings]

Ricky: Can someone disable that stupid thing?!?! I don't want anymore crazies out here if they're not going to be talking about their fat mothers in short skirts and tight shirts

Director of the show: Uh...what about the person who rang the doorbell?....

Ricky: Fine, send them in--but this better be the last one!!

[door opens and a man descends the stairs]

Draco: Dad?!?!?

Harry: [quickly lets go of Draco's hand] Oh, hey Mr. Malfoy.....how's it hanging?......

Voldemort: [still looking at his chest] Lucius, do you think I need a boob job?.....

Lucius: [rolls eyes] My Lord, we have been through this before.............yes

Ricky: Who the hell are you?

Lucius: I am the father of Draco Malfoy

Ricky: And you know that your son is gay?......

Lucius: My son is what?!?!?!?!?!?!

Harry: Uh-oh

Draco: Damnit

Hermione: Heeheehee

Voldemort: It's really quiet alright, Lucius. My son is gay and I really don't have a problem with any of it!

Lucius: [to Draco] Is this true? You're gay?......

Draco: [looks away from Lucius] Yes father.......

[Harry hits Draco on the arm and clears his throat, gesturing for Draco to tell his father about them]

Draco: [quickly] It was all Potter's fault, though father; he made me gay!

Lucius: [to Harry] I knew you were a bad seed right from the start! You have those squinty eyes........

Voldemort: Hey!, don't yell at my son!!

Harry: I am not your son, damnit!!

Voldemort: [to Lucius] Lucius, tell the boy that I am his father!

Lucius: He is....I was there the day you were........conceived........

[Lucius shakes head violently to get out the mental pictures]

[everyone in the audience feels for him]

Hermione: We are getting way off the subject!!! I came here to prove that Harry Potter is not gay despite all verbal attempts on his part to try to make me see otherwise!!!

Harry: What else do you want me to do to prove to you that I am not gay, Hermione!?!?!?!

Voldemort: [cautiously] Well,....you can get it on with Draco right here--I think that would show her that you're gay........

Harry: Daddy!!!!

Hermione: Eeeeewwwww!!!!!!!

Draco: [thoughtfully] .........Why the hell not?...I mean, we've done it everywhere else..........

Lucius: Draco!!

Crowd: [chanting]Get it on!! Get it on!! Get it on!!

Ricky: [standing up and swaying slightly] Alright. No one is getting anything 'on' on my showroom floor. The insurance doesn't cover anything that breaks or anyone that dies while fornicating on that stage. Now; there's got to be a better way to prove that Harry Potter is not gay

Draco: [raises hand] Question: Even if we do break something or die, can Harry and I still...fornicate on your stage?......

Lucius: Draco, watch your mouth!!

Ricky: [thoughtfully] I guess...as long as I get to watch, though

[Draco and Harry look at each other and shrug then start making out]

[crowd explodes in a frenzy of applause and cheers]

Hermione: [pointing at Draco and Harry who have fallen off of their chairs and were now rolling around on the ground] This doesn't prove anything! Harry could just be bisexual which means that he is still partly straight.

Ricky: [looking at Harry and Draco in amazement] No, sweetie, I think he's pretty much gay...I mean look at that!....Dear Lord, they're like a pair of rabbits........

Voldemort: [looking at Harry and Draco, too] It's all just so magical! [voice cracks and a tear slides down his cheek]

[Suddenly Moaning Myrtle pops out of the floor]

Myrtle: I would just like to say--oh [noticed Harry and Draco rolling around on floor] Wow [tilts head to get a better look] Oh my..........where do think he was hiding that?!

Ricky: [solemnly, not looking away from Draco and Harry] Well, Hermione, honey......it looks like you are going to die old and alone--and wow...can I just say that Draco is a very lucky man

Hermione: [quietly] But I don't want to die old and alone............

Voldemort: Aww, don't worry sweetheart.......Here: have a sheep!

[produces a fluffy sheep from behind chair and gives it to Hermione]

[Suddenly the mystery guest door flies open and J.K Rowling storms down the stairs]

J.K: Alright! Someone had sex in my dressing room and I want to know who!! And they ate my cheese!!

Hermione: [Astonished] Ms. Rowling?.....[jumps over Harry and Draco who are still rolling around on the floor and shakes J.K's hand] Wow; this is a real honor......

J.K: Did you eat my cheese?.....

Hermione: Umm, no......Oh!! Ms. Rowling, now that you're here maybe you can help us with this problem that we've been having........You see, I say that Harry here is gay--but no one seems to believe me

[J.K looks from Harry and Draco, who are still rolling around on the floor now half-naked to Hermione]

Hermione: I was just wondering if you could maybe tell us if he really is or not since, you know, you're writing the books and everything.......

[J.K sighs and takes out a thick book from her back pocket]

Ricky: What is that?

J.K: It's the outline to the rest of my books [looks through book and stops on a page then clears throat] Okay, lets see.....Voldemort is gay and later decides that he doesn't really want to be king of the world; he just wants a boob-job, Lucius and Professor McGongall end up having a love child, Draco Malfoy cures cancer by accident, Ron becomes a nun, Hermione dies old and alone and Harry Potter.....

[Crowd holds breath and so does everyone onstage (except for Harry and Draco who have rolled offstage and are still.......fornicating)]

Hermione: Well, out with it!!

J.K: Harry Potter--

[suddenly the sheep that Voldemort gave Hermione jumps on J.K and she starts to scream]

J.K: [hysterically] Oh my God!!! The bloody sheep is humping me!!!!! Get it off!!!! Get it off get it off get it off!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: [to sheep] Bob, no!!!!

Ricky: Well, would you look at that.....we're out of time.......Everyone out of my showroom now!!

Hermione: But we didn't find out anything!!

Ricky: Well, we found out that you are going to die old and alone........Now hurry and get out all of you before--

[suddenly the top of Ricky's showroom comes off and a single, green, one-legged chicken falls out of the sky]

Hermione: .........Hey, wait, I know that chicken.............

[the chicken runs at everyone onstage and starts humping Voldemort's leg]

Voldemort: [throat tight] Oh look, he loves me.......[tears slide down cheeks]

Ricky: Wait a minute--

[out of nowhere hundreds of chickens come out of the sky and fall into Ricky's showroom and start humping everything in sight]

[Everyone in showroom starts running away and screaming with chickens attached to their legs except for Harry and Draco who many chickens have gathered around to watch]

Ricky: [ trying to detach chicken from knee] I told you; I told you all!!!! Hey!! That's my intimate space, you perv!!!!! No!, don't you touch that--don't you---Hey, that tickles!!!

[Bob the sheep, who detached itself from around J.K's leg huddles in a corner surrounded by chickens]

Hermione: [over noise in the showroom] Bob!! Don't worry, I'll save you!!! And then we can grow old together and throw cats at the little children who cross our front yard forty years from now!!!

{Everyone in showroom scatters as the chickens eat through the cables and wires and all the people are left in complete darkness and all they can hear are Draco and Harry and all the chickens rooting them on}