The Fic That Must Not Be Named

Voldemort sat in *his* chair and watched the fire. The flames licked the top of the fireplace, while casting an eerie shadow across the room. Suddenly he stood up and looked around at the Death Eaters assembled in the room.

"I have brought you here--" he began, but was cut off by his lackey, Wormtail, bursting into the room. He tripped over the rug and landed at Voldemort's feet. The Dark Lord sniffed disdainfully.

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public, Wormtail," he said, as Wormtail stood up, made a few sputtering noises, and took his place among the Death Eaters.

Voldemort cleared his throat and began again, "I have brought you here for a--" Once again, the Dark Lord was cut off, as something resembling a huge mutilated kitchen appliance broke down the door to the room. Voldemort sighed and glared.

"I told you, no one here has your ring, Sauron," he said irritably. Sauron scratched his head and glanced at the Death Eaters.

"But, you would tell me if you did, right?"

"Yes," Voldemort answered, his eyes narrowed in anger.

"Oh. Well, I guess I'll be going then." Sauron stood there for a moment longer before backing away slowly, returning to his own fic.

Voldemort tried again.

"I have brought you here for a purpose. It's time for the Boy-Who-Lived to meet his demise." His followers looked around at each other, the unspoken question hanging in the air.

"Demise means death, morons," Malfoy snapped at his fellow Death Eaters. There were a few nods and 'Ohh' sounds. "Tell me, my Lord, have you some ridiculously elaborate plan to slowly capture the boy, while leaving enough clues around for someone to become suspicious?"

"Yes, Lucius, I do. Wormtail, bring me a grenade, some baking soda, and some of those fake wax lips. The Potter boy will die!" Voldemort exclaimed.

Wormtail twitched. "What?" he asked

"DO NOT INVOKE MY WRATH!" Voldemort pointed a finger at him. He scurried out of the room. Voldemort sat back in *his* chair. Being a Dark Lord wasn't easy.

_______
Dumbledore sat in his office, surrounded by Severus Snape, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. Why? Because I said so.

"I fear Voldemort may have another plan to get Harry, or so our extremely obvious spy, Snape, tells me," Dumbledore said calmly, glancing at Snape. Sirius eyed Snape with suspicion.

"How do we know we can trust him? He was a Death Eater. His friends are Death Eaters," Sirius spat.

Snape merely sneered. "Well, Black, at least none of my friends are in the position to hump the leg of a chair once a month," he replied coldly.

Sirius clutched the arms of his chair in anger. Remus looked stunned. Dumbledore raised his hand for silence, but to no avail.

"Yeah? So is your face! YOUR FACE!" Sirius yelled back.

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Severus responded. Dumbledore made a few sparkles come out of his wand to silence them.

"We must keep Harry safe. That is our first priority. You two may insult each other later. What we need is a conveniently placed distraction, so we don't know what's going on with Harry until the last possible moment." Dumbledore explained. The men nodded.

"I'll be mean, and vaguely creepy, so he will automatically assume I'm the evil one." Snape volunteered. Dumbledore nodded.

"And I'll discreetly let him get away with practically everything, thus putting him in more danger. Sirius, you will attempt to help, but due to the fact you are clueless about the situation, you will be useless. Remus, you are just going to wander from room to room. Are we are clear on this?" Dumbledore asked, as he regarded the men seriously. They all agreed to the plan. They stood up to leave.

"Well, I'm going to go torture myself over not being a good godfather. Remus is gonna come with me and wallow in self pity about being a werewolf," Sirius told Dumbledore. Remus nodded, wondering why he didn't get more lines.

"I'm going to go do stuff. With potions. And wonder what went wrong with my life," Snape said as he walked out the door.

Once everyone left, Dumbledore sat back down at his desk and sighed. Being a good wizard wasn't easy.

_______
Harry sat in Potions, cutting up various disgusting things. He looked up suddenly, feeling as though he was being watched. He saw Ron scoot his chair closer to him. Harry scooted a little father away. No one else seemed to notice this.

"You know, Harry. We've been friends for a long time. We sleep in the same dorm room, too," Ron said, while wiggling his eyebrows and scooting closer again. Harry scooted away again.

"Uh..." Harry was at a loss for words when Draco popped up out of nowhere.

"Potter. I have the bad boy image, and I'm mean. You find me sexy," he stated, hopping up and standing on the Potions table in front of Harry. Harry trembled with fear. Ron continued to scoot closer to him.

"What is the meaning of this?!" exclaimed a harsh voice from behind them. Harry jumped up and came face to face to Professor Snape.

"We're trying to seduce Harry!" Ron explained. Snape raised an eyebrow and stepped closer to Harry.

"You are aware, Mr. Potter, that my hair isn't that greasy." Snape attempted to look suggestive, but failed miserably. Harry looked around frantically, but no one else seemed to notice. In desperation and utter fear, Harry darted for the door and ran. He continued to run from the dungeons when he tripped over something large and furry.

"Snuffles?" Harry exclaimed upon seeing the dog. With a soft pop, Sirius stood where the dog had sat.

"Harry, I'm glad I found you, I have an important question," Sirius whispered as he helped Harry up off the floor when he had fallen. Sirius put his arm around his godson's shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"Are you... a dog person, Harry?" Sirius asked silkily.

Harry ran away screaming.

_______
Hermione frowned at her friend. Harry had been huddled in the corner of the common room, twitching and gibbering to himself. When Ron had come in to go up to the dorm room, he had winked at Harry, which made the gibbering quicken and reach a higher pitch. She slowly walked to the corner of the room, careful not to make any quick movements.

"Harry...?" she tried. Harry squeaked and huddled farther in the corner. A shadow fell over Hermione and Harry.

"Want me to try?" a cold voice drawled. Hermione spun around in shock.

"Malfoy?! What are you doing?! This isn't your common room!"

Malfoy looked down at his feet. "I just wanted to see Harry--" Hermione cut him off.

"No! Go! Now! Ew!" She pointed towards the door. Malfoy sighed and slumped towards the door, muttering in French under his breath. Hermione stood there with a confused expression. She swallowed hard and turned back to Harry.

"I'm going away now. I'm gonna take a sleeping potion." Hermione stood up and ran to her dorm room. No one noticed the large gray rat watching the poor traumatized boy in the corner.

_______
"Duna duna duna duna WORMTAIL! Duna duna duna duna WORMTAIL!"

Wormtail appeared with a pop and bad theme music. Harry quickly jumped out of his corner and pulled a karate pose.

"You!" Harry exclaimed, drawing his wand. Wormtail spat out a fur ball, and pointed his wand at Harry.

"Yes. Me. Now then, let's get to the emotional confrontation!"

Harry's eyes went wide and wet from held back tears. Sad music played from somewhere in the background.

"Why? Why did you betray my parents?" Harry choked out, and fell to his knees. The sad music became louder.

"Because James took it, " Wormtail hissed venomously. "He took my last box of Cheerios!"

Harry gasped in shock and horror. The wonderful picture he had of his father in his mind was ruined.

"You lie!" he accused shrilly, pointing his wand once more at Wormtail. Wormtail spat out another fur ball and shook his head, preparing to curse Harry. Suddenly the sad background music stopped, and the door to the girl's dormitory slowly creaked open. Emerging from inside the door was none other then...

"Crookshanks!" Harry cried with joy. The large ugly cat sprang from the doorway, onto Wormtail's face. Wormtail screamed in anger and fury-- which are the same things.

"Nooo! Not the hair!!" Wormy screamed in agony. The traitor quickly transformed and ran out of the common room door. Crookshanks sat down on the floor, and proceeded to lick himself. Harry lowered his wand and ran his hand through his crazy hair.

"Wow. What a day. I think I'm just going to go to bed, and hope everyone is off drugs by tomorrow," Harry said out loud. He started towards the boy's dorms when he suddenly remembered Ron. He hesitated for a moment.

"Erm. I'll just sleep fully clothed," he told Crookshanks, as he continued to walk to the dorm. Crookshanks didn't care.

_______
Voldemort eyed Wormtail with anger and disappointment.

"You failed to get the boy? Because of a cat?" he asked in a dangerous voice.

Wormtail hung his head in shame, and nodded. Voldemort stood up out of *his* chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I should shove my foot so far up your a--"

Wormtail interrupted, which was a really stupid thing to do, "No! No my Lord!! I'll make it up to you! Give me one more chance!"

Voldemort weighed his options. Wormtail had failed, and deserved death. But on the other hand, it would take forever to get his blood out of the carpet.

"Very well, Wormtail, but you still have to pay for this. Now, transform and let Nagini chase you around, for my own sick amusement." Voldemort grinned wickedly.

Wormtail whimpered and transformed.

_______
Harry, Ron, and Hermione strolled down the hall towards their next class. They turned a corner and stopped dead. Standing in the middle of the hallway was a beautiful girl.

"Hi. I'm a mysterious transfer student! My name is Mary-Sue! Do you want to ponder my past, while falling in love with me and then save me from Voldemort?" She smiled, and they were nearly blinded by the brightness of her teeth. Harry looked down at his watch and shook his head.

"Can't. We have Transfiguration. Uh... maybe later?" Harry pointed to his watch.

Mary-Sue shrugged and trotted away. They continued on their way to Transfiguration when some random first year popped out of nowhere.

"Harry Potter! Ahhh!! The headmaster wants to see you!! Whee!" The first year threw his arms around Harry and hugged him, then scurried away. Harry smoothed out his robes, and made his way to the headmasters's office.

Harry sat down nervously in the chair across from Dumbledore. They sat there in silence.

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore offered

"Against my religion," Harry declined.

"Harry, I have something important to tell you. I don't know how you will react..." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Harry. Professor Snape is your father."

Harry gasped in shock. "Really?"

"No. But you're failing potions. Try to work a bit harder, eh?" Dumbledore grinned at him, and Harry laughed nervously before slowly backing out of the room.

_______
Harry, Hermione, and Ron skipped into Potions later that day. Malfoy sneered at them.

"Oh, look. It's Potter and his fan club." Malfoy and his groupies laughed.

"Your Mamma!" Ron shot back. Before Malfoy could respond, Snape burst into the room. He started writing directions on the board, when Remus walked into the room.

"Lupin! What the hell are you doing in my class room?" Snape screeched at him. Lupin merely smiled a goofy grin.

"Who me? Oh, I just wander from room to room." He smiled again and wandered out of the room.

"Get back to work!" Snape barked to his class. Giving one last glance towards the door, Snape resumed writing on the board. Neville quickly tossed in random ingredients, and soon his potion exploded everywhere.

"My bad!" Neville exclaimed as Professor Snape tossed him out of the classroom.

_______
Harry quietly walked down the hallway towards the spare rooms in the back of the castle, to see his godfather. He saw the correct door, and knocked lightly. There was a muffled "Come in!" and the grinning face of Sirius Black greeted Harry when he opened the door.

"Hey Sirius," Harry said, while him and his godfather had a emotional moment.

"What can I do for you?" Sirius asked casually. He sat down in front of the fire, motioning for his godson to do the same. Harry sat down across from Sirius and put on a serious expression.

"Actually...I was wondering if you could tell me about my dad. About what it was like during his school days," he said carefully.

Sirius smiled, his eyes slightly misty. "Of course. I've got the perfect story..."

~~~The ever popular MWPP story, in the form of a flash back~~~

"I'm bored," the popular, attractive James Potter exclaimed, throwing himself on his bed. Him and his three friends lounged about in the dorm room on a chilly November morning.

"We could go harass Snape," suggested a young man-whorish Sirius Black.

"We could do our homework, said an oddly Hermione-like Remus Lupin.

"No!! Lets eat!!" Everyone glared at Peter. James jumped to his feet.

"No. We shall harass Snape. Come, my minions!" James and his friends quickly exited out of the room, with Peter trailing behind.

Severus Snape stood looking out of the window, watching the snowfall. A truly evil boy, he was. Just when he was about to turn around, there was a flash of pink light. Fearing the worst, Snape looked down and saw he was no longer wearing his robes. In their place was a frilly pink party dress that made him look like Barbie on drugs. He looked back up and growled at the laughing Marauders standing in front of him.

"POTTER!" he roared. He went to step forward, but slipped on his designer high-heeled shoes. He fell on his face, with his wand outstretched and a dark blue light coming out of it. The ominous light hit the ceiling, knocking part of it down, conveniently falling on Peter. Everyone stopped laughing.

"Oh my god, they've killed Peter!" James exclaimed.

"You bastards!" Sirius agreed.

~~~End Stupid MWPP flashback~~~

Harry sat in silence after Sirius told his tale. After a few moments Harry coughed.

"Well, something has suddenly come up, and I have to go," Harry said, standing up and making his way quickly towards the door.

"Yes. I'll see you later!" Sirius wiped at his eyes with a napkin. He sighed after Harry closed the door.

"Memories." He sighed again, and gave his teddy bear a hug.

_______
Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat at their table, quietly eating their breakfast. Everything was normal. But not really. It was a shock to Harry when Draco Malfoy jumped up on the Slytherin table and did a small pelvic thrust as music began playing.

"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..." Draco began singing. Harry turned to Ron with a horrified expression on his face.

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" he asked his friend. Ron shrugged and turned to ask Hermione. But Hermione wasn't there...

"Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know?" Hermione sang from the end of the table. She started doing complex dance movements, Parvati and Lavender dancing behind her.

Ron and Harry watched in horrified fascination, much like people who witness car wrecks. It was when Snape began singing "I'm just a girl," that they realized something was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Ron and Harry bolted for the door, glancing behind them once more, at the horror of their fellow classmates singing. They decided to run to Sirius for help.

"Ok," Harry panted, outside Sirius's door. "I'm going to open the door very slowly and quietly, that way we will probably witness something disturbing, and be emotionally scarred for life." Ron nodded and Harry slowly opened the door...

"Summer lovin,' happened so fast!" Remus sang, his arms outstretched to Sirius.

"Summer lovin,' had me a blast!" Sirius sang back. Ron and Harry gave screams of terror before slamming the door shut and running toward Gyffindor Tower.

"This must be a evil plot by That-Guy-I-Can't-Name-Because-I'm-Paraniod," Ron suggested as he threw himself on the common room couch. Harry nodded in agreement. Harry and Ron nod a lot.

Suddenly, Harry grabbed his scar and fell to the floor in pain. He was having a vision of Voldemort. A terrible vision.

"Cuz we need a little controversy, cuz it feels so empty without me, " Voldemort rapped, before throwing himself on the floor, attempting to break dance. Wormtail stood in the background.

"Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage," Peter sang, and thrashed his head from side to side.

"AHHHHH! NOOO!!" Harry screamed and sat straight up in bed. He fought to calm his breathing.

"'Arry? You ok?" Ron asked sleepily. Harry shook with fear.

"Yeah...Yeah, I'm fine." Harry lay back down with a frightened glint in his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

_______
Hermione skipped dangerously down the enchanted staircases, going to her next class. Because Hermione liked being under large amounts of stress, she spontaneously decided to use a time-turner again this year. Towards the bottom of the stairs she did a front flip with a half twist, and fell flat on her face. (The dismount is always the hardest.)

Hermione stood up and noticed her time-turner had shattered and began glowing.

"Oh no! And I was being so careful!" she cried in dismay as she disappeared through time, because that's what always what happens when time-turners break.

Hermione woke up, slightly dizzy at the bottom of the stairs. A red headed girl stood over her.

"Are you ok? You look funny when you're unconscious," the girl said. "I'm Lily Evans"

Hermione gasped. How ironic. She quickly stood back up and dusted the time- turner dust off of her, while the girl watched ("Ew! Time-Turner cooties!").

"Erm. I have to go see Dumbledore because he can solve every problem," Hermione said, before taking off at run towards Dumbledore's office.

Hermione sat in the large chair in front of Dumbledore's desk, waiting in silence after she had related her story to Dumbledore.

"I believe you should go to normal classes and mingle with the students. What's the worst that could happen?" Dumbledore said. Hermione nodded and left. The Headmaster threw a few lemon drops at her as she walked out the door.

Hermione was walking to Gryffindor tower when someone ran into her. It was a boy, of course. With greasy hair, and Slytherin robes. Hermione knew it must have been Snape.

"Watch where you're going!" the boy spat. Hermione swooned. Who knew Snape had been so charming as teenager! He sneered at her and stalked away. Hermione swooned once more, before heading back towards Gryffindor tower.

Lily ran over to her and began dragging Hermione to her friends as soon as she entered the common room. Hermione quickly recognized James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. She nearly swooned again.

"I'm a transfer student from another school," she explained to them.

"What school?" Remus asked curiously.

"I don't know," Hermione responded. Everyone accepted this.

"Come my friends, girlfriend, and transfer girl. We are going to dinner," James announced, and stood up. Everyone followed him. Hermione discreetly tripped Peter on the way out.

At dinner, Snape came up to the Gryffindor table, staring at Hermione in the strangest way. Peter ran behind James in fear.

"Is there a problem, slimeball?" Sirius asked coolly, while he ate some of his pudding. Snape stood there for a moment before falling to his knees in front of Hermione.

"I love you!" he declared. He threw his arms around her. Hermione would have swooned right off her chair if he hadn't had his arms around her. Lily nearly gagged and Peter hid under the table. Sirius and Remus looked grief-stricken.

"No!!" Sirius yelled.

"She's mine!!" Remus screeched, as he leapt over table and attacked Snape. Sirius joined in and attacked both of them. Hermione sat there shocked.

"I wish I was this popular back home," she mused, when the strange feeling of being pulled through time took over her.

Once again, Hermione woke up at the bottom of the staircase. Her back hurt from lying on her potions book. She stood up and grabbed her things. Acting as though nothing had happened, she made her way to Charms.

_______
Snape was applying large amounts of grease to his hair, when a tremendous pain went through his arm. He dropped the grease and grabbed his arm. Taking a few calming breaths, he stalked into the living quarters of his rooms. He threw some sparkle dust into the fire.

"Dumbledore!" he exclaimed loudly. Within moments, the creepy floating head of Dumbledore appeared in his fire. Snape repressed a shudder.

"I've been summoned," he said cryptically. Dumbledore nodded.

"Do try not to get killed or hurt. It took forever to get your blood off the front steps last time," Dumbledore said gently, before disappearing.

Snape quickly ran to his room to get dressed in his spiffy Death Eater costume. (Only 12 sickles at a Freda's Costume store near you!)

Snape quietly apparated to the meeting, trying to control his breathing. He had to run all the way into the Forbidden Forest to apparate. He'd have to talk to Dumbledore about that. He and the other Death Eaters became silent as Voldemort swept into the room, and sat in *his* chair.

"My minions!! I am bored," Voldemort announced. Snape cringed. He knew what was expected of them, when the Dark Lord was bored. Something so horrible...

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream..." Crabbe started singing, but Voldemort raised his hand for silence.

"No. It will take more then just your utter embarrassment to amuse me today," Voldemort said warily. Wormtail entered the room twitching and wearing a black wig and glasses. A lightning bolt was drawn on his forehead with what appeared to be pink marker. He looked extremely disturbed. Voldemort raised his wand and pointed to Lucius. With a flash, Lucuis' hair was gone and his eyes were red.

"Lucius, attack Wormtail."

Wormtail squeaked in fear.

Two hours later, Snape stumbled back into his rooms, where Dumbledore sat waiting. The Headmaster eyed him critically for a moment.

"Severus...blue is hardly your color," he said, frowning at the cancan dress Snape wore. The Potions Master shrugged.

"Lucius got the green one. Voldemort always liked him more then me." Snape pouted slightly. Suddenly Dumbledore understood.

"Voldemort was bored?" Snape nodded. Dumbledore adopted a sympathetic air.

Snape threw himself in a chair and sighed. "At least I wasn't turned into a Flamingo again." Dumbledore patted his shoulder as he got up to leave.

Voldemort was so evil.

_______
Ashley walked down the hall with her friends Ron, Hermione, and Harry. She appeared out of nowhere, but everyone liked her for some reason.

"What do you guys want to do today?" Ron asked his friends. They shrugged.

Remus wandered by and Ashley pinched his butt as he did so. He stopped with an alarmed look on his face. She winked at him.

"Come on guys, lets go visit Hagrid" Ron said, dragging Ashley away from trying to pounce on Remus.

They knocked on Hagrid's hut door. There was some banging around and the surprised quack of a duck, and Hagrid opened the door.

"'Ello 'Arry, 'On and 'Ermione and 'Shley. Wanna cup o' teh?" Hagrid asked cheerfully, so cheerfully it was frightening. They stared at him. Ashley leaned over to Harry.

"Do you have any clue what he said?" she whispered. Harry shook his head. They slowly started to back away from Hagrid. Hagrid continued to babble about something as they took off running back towards the castle.

"Lets go fight Voldemort!" Ashley exclaimed as they entered back into the castle. The others looked at her like she was crazy.

"Why would we want to do that?!" Hermione shrieked. Ashley shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm the author, I can't die," she said. Ashley saw Remus wandering by again, and took off after him. Ron started to chase after her, but decided against it.

"Ron. I love your sister," Harry said suddenly. Ron's eyes went wide and his face went red.

"Stay away from my sister!" he yelled and attacked Harry. Hermione rolled her eyes and started towards the Library.

_______
Deep in the depths of hell, where only the evil dwell and nameless horrors hunt in the shadows...ok, it was the Slytherin Common Room. Hell, Slytherin Common Room; same thing. Four dark students sat around a table, with a dark purpose...

"Ha! I have Park Place!" Pansy exclaimed. Draco scowled.

"So? I have five hotels," Crabbe shot back. Pansy, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle were playing.... Monopoly. Dun DUN DUN DUN. Yeah.

"We need to do something to Potter," Draco commented as he moved the shoe piece around the board. He landed on one of Crabbe's hotels.

"Try and get a three," Ashley advised from behind Goyle's shoulder. Everyone looked up in surprise.

"What are you doing here?!" Pansy yelled, spit flying everywhere. Ashley wiped the spit off the front of her shirt and replied calmly.

"I'm Ashley," she said simply. Crabbe and Goyle nodded dumbly and Pansy scowled. Draco scooted over so she could sit next to him.

"We are plotting against Potter," he said dramatically. The other three Slytherins laughed evilly. Ashley had a blank expression on her face.

"Right. I have to disappear now, the same way I got here," she said and disappeared. Pansy flipped her hair over her shoulder.

"I could do that too. If I wanted to," she declared smugly. The other Slytherins pretended to agree before they continued their evil game. Dun dun dun.

_______
Harry Potter was casually walking down the hall when he heard screaming.

High-pitched, girly screaming. Quickly, Harry took off towards the screaming and found himself in front of the castle doors. Teachers were everywhere, yelling, wetting themselves, and trying to find hiding places. Dumbledore came up behind Harry, and put his arm around his shoulders.

"Harry, I'm afraid Voldemort has attacked the castle," he said, while moving Harry towards the front doors and dodging frantic professors who were running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

"You must understand Harry," said Dumbledore calmly, stopping right in front of the doors, "that your safety is our first priority." With that said, The Headmaster threw open the doors and shoved Harry outside.

"Good luck! You can do it!" yelled a random professor as Dumbledore closed the door in Harry's face. Harry turned around and came face-to-face with Voldemort and an army of Death Eaters. He nearly soiled himself.

"WHOO!! KILL THE BOY WHO LIVED!!" yelled a random Death Eater. "Avada Kadavra!!" he added. There was a flash of green light and then....

Voldemort fell over. Dead. The spell had hit him by accident. There was a dead silence among the Death Eaters as Harry stared at the body in shock.

"Oh shit. RUN!" yelled Malfoy. The Death Eaters scattered, running in different directions. Only one Death Eater lingered for a moment to pick through Voldemort's pockets, and then, he too, took off running. Harry was just standing there in a dazed shock, when there was a great thunder of cheers from the castle, and the doors opened back up.

"My dear boy!! You defeated Voldemort! Twenty points to Gryffindor!" exclaimed Dumbledore. Harry shook his head.

"But I didn't--" He was cut off by another round of cheers.

"Harry Potter, you're my hero," said Snape from beside Dumbledore. Everyone cheered and hoisted Harry up on their shoulders

"Wait! I only get twenty points?" yelled Harry in outrage. Everyone cheered again. There was a scream from the back of the crowd.

"Butterbeers for everyone!! Snape's buying!" yelled the voice. Everyone cheered and started towards The Three Broomsticks.

"WHAT?!" Snape demanded as he ran after the insane group. Sirius snickered from the back of the crowd.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Snape. He lives in the middle of nowhere, farming sheep now.

The End.

_______
Epilogue

After Voldemort was defeated, and Snape had gone to farm sheep, here's what happened to everyone else...

Peter Pettigrew was discovered paying off a stripper with fake money.

Sirius was given a lollipop and was declared free.

Remus Lupin fell madly in love with a woman by the name of Sheila. She, unfortunately, turned out to be a carefully disguised Death Eater. Sadly, the large purple turban she wore did not arouse suspicion. She took all of his money and his bathroom rug. He now lives with three little pigs.

Hermione Granger graduated top of her class and became a Charms Professor. She had the misfortune of teaching the children of the Weasley twins. She's expected to return from St. Mungos within two months.

Ron Weasley lives in his parents' basement. Being introduced to muggle TV did not help. He now attends Star Trek conventions and collects Power Puff Girl action figures.

Harry Potter became Minister of Magic. He led an extremely boring life to make up for the chaotic mess his childhood was.

After being declared innocent, Sirius Black went back to his former life. A thirty-something-year-old acting like he was twenty was slightly frightening to his friends and family. Harry had a talk with him, and now he acts his age. And he started wearing pants again.