Loony Loopy Lupin's

On a dark and stormy night, Remus Lupin woke up in his home that closely resembled a broken-down drug house. He stretched and changed out of his pink pajamas into shabby robes that had been run over with a tractor. Twice. Suddenly a smell attacked Remus's nose. It was a mix of flea power and dog shampoo.

"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, and ran into the living room of his hellhole shack. Lying on his couch was Sirius Black. Remus strode over to the couch, full of purpose. He shoved Sirius off the couch, waking him up.

"What was that for?" Sirius slurred. Remus fumed.

"The couch is white, and you're nasty. Bad dog!" Remus threw a newspaper at him. Sirius growled and stood up. He followed Remus into the kitchen. Although Remus was a fully trained wizard and werewolf, everything in his house was muggle. He began messing around with the various food cooking machines in his kitchen. Although he couldn't afford new robes or a decent house, he did have one kick ass high-tech microwave.

"Voldemort has returned," Sirius said cryptically. Remus shrugged casually.

"I know. Dumbledore owled me," he said. Sirius slammed his fist onto the table.

"Damn it! He never lets me tell anyone anything!" Sirius pouted. Remus patted his shoulder sympathetically as he set a bowl of food down for his friend. Sirius recovered quickly and began stuffing large amounts of Remus's cooking into his mouth.

"I have a few days before I have to contact the old crowd," Sirius said, while spitting food everywhere. Remus put down a few plastic mats around Sirius so it would be easier to clean. Remus shuddered in fear. These were going to be a few long, horrific days.

****
Day One. Morning.

Remus stumbled out of his bedroom in a sleepy daze. He had been up all night listening to Sirius explaining exactly how he ate rats, which brought extremely disgusting images to the poor werewolf's brain. He walked into his small bathroom and nearly had a heart attack. There was dirt everywhere. It smelled like a vet's office. Remus took a few calming breaths before screaming, "SIRIUS!"

There were a few crashes coming from the kitchen when Sirius Black stuck his head around the corner.

"Yea, Remmie?" he answered innocently. Remus pointed a finger at him in anger.

"What the hell did you do to my bathroom? And don't call me 'Remmie,'" he nearly yelled. Sirius held a blank look on his face.

"Come on, Remski, I had to take a bath. I was all icky."

Remus made a few angry sputtering noises. Remski? Icky? Remus's anger faded. Sirius must have been driven to this point from Azkaban. Remus threw his hands up in the air and walked past Sirius, into the kitchen. He nearly had another heart attack. His kitchen was covered in food. Mostly strawberry jelly and left over chicken. That worried Remus slightly. He grabbed his wand from the table and cast a cleaning spell. Sirius walked in after him, dropping bits of jelly-covered chicken as he walked.

"Sirius," Remus said through clenched teeth, "I understand you've been on the run, but now you are in a house, so you have to clean up after yourself and not be so disgusting." A muscle began twitching in Remus's face as he spoke. Sirius merely shrugged and plopped down at the table.

"Harry sent me a letter today. It appears nothing is wrong, which is EXACTLY why you and I need to go rescue him from the Dursley's," Sirius explained, as he spread a bit more jelly onto a chicken leg. Oddly enough, Remus agreed.

"You're right. You'll bust in there threatening everyone, and I'll be calm and rational. Be sure to do that creepy escaped convict routine. Harry loves that. And for the love of god, Sirius, eat over the mats!" Remus sounded irritated. Sirius grinned sheepishly, before he started planning out how to rescue Harry.

*****
Day One. Afternoon.

After the plans had been made to rescue Harry, and the bathroom and kitchen had been cleaned up, Remus sat at his kitchen table sipping a hot cup of tea. He remembered living with Sirius at school, but it had never been like this...

"Yeah. Whatever. I bet I can spit farther then you..." Sirius's voice drifted into the kitchen. Remus froze. Who could Sirius be talking to? Who could he possibly be having a spitting contest with? He jumped out of his seat and ran into the living room. Sitting on his white couch was Sirius, and standing next to Sirius, in his CLEAN living room, was none other than...Buckbeak.

"Sirius! What in Merlin's name is that animal doing in my house? And what is he eating?" Remus asked, outraged. Sirius coughed and glanced at Buckbeak.

"He's not eating anything," Sirius said, as Buckbeak spit a few bones onto the couch. Remus nearly wet himself with rage.

"Sirius..." Remus began, but was cut off when Sirius jumped from the couch, spilling the tea he had been holding everywhere.

"You are absolutely right! We need to fix Harry a room before he gets here. I'll get started on the guest room." Sirius briskly brushed past Remus, tea dripping off his robes. Remus decided he needed more tea. Spiked with whiskey.

One hour, twenty-three minutes, and eleven seconds later, the guest room was ready. All the walls were gold and red. Because Harry's room is ALWAYS gold and red. There were a few homemade posters (drawn by Sirius) showing Voldemort being beaten up by a chipmunk ("Seriously, those things can be vicious, Remus!"). Remus entered the room after Sirius to clean up all the peanut butter and marshmallow cream stains he had left behind.

Sirius stood in the kitchen, rubbing his hands together anxiously.

"You ready Remski? It's time to rescue my godson! Bwahah!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus shuddered in fear.

*****
Day one. Evening.

Sirius and Remus stood outside of number four, Privet Drive. Remus turned to his partner in crime.

"Listen, Sirius, we need to be quiet and careful; we can't have the muggles-" Remus was cut off by Sirius.

"HARRY! HEY HARRY! WE'VE COME TO GET YOU! GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE!" Sirius screamed. Remus put his face in his hand. There were a few crashes and some yells coming from the house, and then Harry opened the door, Hedwig and his trunk behind him.

"Hello Sirius, Professor Lupin," he said casually. Sirius pounced on him. Harry look alarmed.

"I love you!" Sirius exclaimed, with his arm around Harry's neck. Remus leaned down towards Harry and whispered.

"Azkaban was horrible. Just keep reminding yourself of that," Remus advised quietly. Harry nodded hesitantly. Sirius whipped out a portkey. Harry was reluctant to use it.

"Oh, quit being a girl. Your dad was never scared of Portkeys," Sirius stated. Harry frowned and grabbed the old banana. Because bananas are always portkeys. Within moments they were back at Remus's house. Sirius quickly grabbed Harry's sleeve and tugged on it.

"Come on, you have to see your room. I did it all by myself!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus looked outraged. He had just cleaned up all the nasty food stains Sirius had left in the room. Remus decided to relax in his living room while Sirius harassed Harry. A few moments later, Sirius skipped back into the room with some ice cream.

"Harry decided to go to sleep," Sirius said, as he dropped a few scoops of ice cream on the floor. "I think I will, too. Tomorrow I need to tell Harry all about his father, while leaving Peter out of all of the stories." Sirius tossed the bowl of ice cream on the floor and flopped down on the couch. Remus clenched his teeth together and picked up the ice cream.

"Azkaban... Innocent... Azkaban made him this way... Not his fault..." Remus kept repeating the comforting words to himself.

****
Day Two. Morning

Harry Potter woke up to the annoying sounds of an argument.

"NO Sirius! You are not cooking that.... THING in the toaster!"

"Aww, Remski..."

"DON'T CALL ME REMSKI!!"

"Whoa. Someone needs a nap."

Harry cautiously got out of bed and tiptoed to the kitchen. It seemed as though Remus was about to kill Sirius. Harry decided to save his godfather.

"Hello, everyone," he said as he walked into the kitchen. Sirius grinned at him; Remus's face was still contorted in something between anger and insanity.

"Would you like some breakfast?" Sirius asked. Harry nodded. He obviously didn't read any fanfics. Otherwise the poor, misinformed boy would know his godfather couldn't cook. He found out soon enough, when an unidentifiable substance was set in front of him on a plate. He poked it with his fork. It growled at him.

"I'm suddenly not hungry," Harry said, shoving the offending thing away. Remus snickered loudly. Sirius coughed in embarrassment.

"We'll hire a cook once I'm freed," he assured Harry. "Or Remus can come live with us!"

Harry looked excited at the idea. Remus looked horrified. Sirius looked at his watch and skipped out of the room. Remus hurried over to Harry's side.

"Listen," he whispered, "it'll only take one spell... just a flick of the hand and he'd be gone..." Harry looked extremely alarmed. Sirius skipped back into the room and Remus straightened up, acting as if he'd said nothing.

"What are you two talking about?" Sirius asked brightly. Harry was still in shock, so Remus answered.

"Oh, nothing, Sirius, nothing at all..."

****
Day Two. Afternoon.

"So then..." Sirius laughed hysterically, spilling soup on the table, "Peter fell off the roof of the school into the dragon dung heap." He crackled insanely. Harry sat across the table looking skeptical.

"That never really happened, did it Sirius?" Harry asked gently. Sirius stopped laughing.

"No. No, it didn't." Sirius hung his head for a moment. He then handed his bowl to Harry. "Can you get me some more soup?"

Remus snorted as he walked into the room. "Eat what you left all over the table."

Sirius glared at him. Harry snickered. Buckbeak tossed his head to the side.

"Damn it, Sirius, get that thing out of my kitchen!" Remus yelled, pointing a shaking finger at Buckbeak. Buckbeak sniffed and trotted into the other room. He knew when he wasn't wanted. Remus took a few calming breaths before fixing himself soup.

"Oh! And this one time at wizard camp, Remus stuck his wand..." Sirius began.

"Don't even start!" Remus warned. Harry decided to be the peacekeeper again.

"So... When do you have to leave, Sirius?" Harry asked politely. Poor boy had manners beaten into him, apparently. Sirius looked thoughtful. Remus looked hopeful. Haha.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning, which means we only have the rest of today to get drunk!" Sirius exclaimed, dumping the rest of his soup on the table. Remus looked around wildly for his secret stash of Fire Whiskey, but Sirius had already grabbed it, and was ushering him and Harry into the living room. This was going to be scary.

****
Day Two. Evening.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." Sirius and Harry sang, horribly out of tune. Remus cringed.

"Hey, Remski, remember that time," Sirius broke into a fit of giggles, "you wore women's underwear in 6th year?" More giggles from both Sirius and Harry. Remus fumed.

"I should come here more often," Harry slurred. Remus put his hand over his face in horror that Sirius got an ickle 15-year-old drunk. He took his hand away from his face when Harry started laughing.

"You wanna hear something really funny?" he asked Sirius, who was swinging the bottle around, with his arm around Harry's shoulder.

"Hermione...hee hee...Hermione is a funny name," Harry giggled. Sirius giggled too. Remus rolled his eyes. "Hermione had a crush on Professor Lupin in 3rd year!" Harry finally exclaimed. Sirius fell out of his chair laughing, spilling potato chips everywhere. Buckbeak ate a few.

"GET OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM!" Remus roared at Buckbeak. Harry and Sirius stopped laughing. Buckbeak hung his head and trotted out of the room.

"Whoa. Someone has a Whomping Willow stuck up their arse," Sirius said seriously. Harry looked confused for a moment before he started laughing hysterically. Remus had enough. He stormed over and took the bottle from Sirius.

"I think the two of you have had enough," he said. Sirius blew a raspberry at him. Harry started laughing, then suddenly fell over and passed out. Sirius looked from his passed out godson, to the sour look on Remus's face. He did the only thing left to do.

Sirius grabbed the bottle of Fire Whiskey and ran out the door. Remus sighed and went over to throw Harry's Blue's Clues blanket over him ("It used to be Dudley's, I swear I didn't want it!"). And he started to make his way to bed. Sirius would be back tomorrow for breakfast. He'd never miss a chance to mess up the kitchen. Again.

****
Day Three. Morning.

Remus rolled out of bed and threw on his "muggle wear" because, unlike other wizards, Remus had a lot of muggle clothes. He left his room and strolled into the kitchen. Sirius was sitting at the table, shoveling Captain Crunch into his mouth. He had picked out all the berries, and they lay scattered on the floor. Harry sat with his head against the table, making small moaning noises.

"Good morning," Remus said mildly, pouring himself some cereal. A few pieces fell out of Sirius's mouth as he mumbled "good morning." Harry moaned.

"I'm leaving soon," Sirius announced, standing up and crunching the berries under his feet. Harry cringed at the noise. Buckbeak leaned down to eat the crushed cereal off the floor.

"Damn it!" Remus exclaimed, and threw his spoon at Buckbeak, who then ran to the living room. Harry lifted his head off the table, his eyes red with tears. Or hangover. It was hard to tell.

"I don't want you to leave, Sirius. I love you," Harry whimpered. Sirius hugged him.

"I loved your father, too," Sirius said solemnly. Harry looked momentarily confused before Sirius called Buckbeak back into the room. He clapped his hands.

"Well, I guess I'll see you all later," Sirius said, and stood in the middle of the kitchen awkwardly. Buckbeak decided to make a statement, and soiled the kitchen floor. Remus sputtered angrily, as Harry still tried to work out Sirius's last comment. Sirius bowed goodbye. Remus and Harry waved as he walked out the door.

They sat there in silence, until Remus slowly sat down on his newly acquired spoon. He turned to Harry, his face full of emotion.

"I miss him!" Remus cried, and threw himself on Harry. He patted Remus's back awkwardly, wishing he had gotten some cereal before it had all been eaten.

Outside the door, Sirius snickered to himself.

"Remus is such a girl."

He snickered again, jumped on Buckbeak, and was gone.