Three O'clock in the Morning

Three O'clock in the Morning

In the real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Know the Truth

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. - Gospel of John

Sirius sighed and pulled at his chin, a bad habit he had developed during his school years. He was sitting in Severus' sitting room, on a Thursday night, wondering what on Earth he was doing. Mere months ago, he would not have touched Severus Snape with a ten foot pole and now he was voluntarily visiting the man. He slouched in his chair.

Surprisingly, the sitting room, as well as the rest of the modest house, was well decorated. Judging from Severus himself, Sirius assumed the man had had someone else decorate the house, and with good reason. Nothing in the house, from the cozy, cream-colored kitchen to the brick fireplace in the sitting room to the oak-framed, hand-painted pictures hanging by the stairs, reflected anything the dark-eyed man would have bought for himself. While Severus seemed to fit with the house very well indeed, his home spoke of someone else.

The armchair Sirius had claimed for his own was upholstered in a soft, mossy green fabric in which Sirius was privately delighted. Nothing in his flat was so comfortable. The rest of the room was a mix of similar greens and blues. Severus had told him, on his first visit, that the colors were calming. Sirius merely thanked his personal deity that the room was not only green. The room was comfortable and seemed to ease his nerves, hence why he liked to visit.

He could hear Severus doing something in the kitchen, undoubtedly making tea or pouring them both drinks. Sirius had called him the previous day, on the telephone, from the funeral home. Severus had been surprised to receive the call, especially at ten o'clock in the morning, but listened to Sirius all the same. Sirius had actually said very little on the telephone, as he still did not trust the electronic device, and only asked to see Severus as soon as possible to discuss something important. Severus, accustomed to such cryptic messages from his friend, invited him to his house for Thursday evening, after supper. Sirius had eagerly agreed.

When Sirius arrived, Severus had retreated to the kitchen after bidding his friend to make himself comfortable in the sitting room. He had slid into the comfortable, ancient armchair he had discovered the first time he visited Severus in his home. The chair smelled like dust and Muggle cleaning products and had obviously been reupholstered sometime in the 1970's, undoubtedly while he and Severus were still in school. The carved wood legs and arms recalled a time of their parents, perhaps their grandparents, in this strange, short-lived Muggle world. It comforted Sirius to have something that had existed before him and would probably exist after him, despite what might happen in the tumultuous interval.

Severus returned to the room bearing two mugs of steaming tea and a box of biscuits tucked awkwardly under his right arm. Sirius had never seen the Severus of his world look so ungainly without hissing and scowling like a rapid squirrel and the change was surprisingly pleasant. It made Sirius comfortable to be uncomfortable and he was certainly uncomfortable in his current situation.

Handing Sirius his mug of black tea and setting the biscuit bag on the table, Severus settled himself into a chair that matched Sirius's. "Sorry I took so long, but the biscuits were buried behind the soup cans."

Sirius only raised an eyebrow and tentatively bit into a biscuit. Finding that the food was neither bitter nor stale, he eagerly swallowed it and gulped some tea. He nearly spat out the offending, scalding liquid, but managed to swallow it without grimacing too much.

Severus drank his tea at a more leisurely pace. "What is so wrong that you needed to call me? I don't suppose you have found a way home?"

Sirius shook his head in the negative. "No, I think I've come to terms with that. I don't think I'm going to find the Archway and Veil here. Wolfgang sent us on a wild goose chase; the man's mad and I should have known better."

"Ah."

This was why he had despised Severus when they were only children at school: the man's natural ability to not participate in and yet still have total control over a conversation. It was infuriating. "I think I'm here to stay."

"Do you now?"

"Yes. I talked to Sasha about it on Sunday at my mother's farm. She seems to approve of my decision."

"And you want mine?" Severus sounded half amused at the prospect of Sirius needing his approval to make a choice.

The wizard shook his head again. "No, I think I've made my decision. Or that my decision has been made for me, rather. I don't really have an option."

Severus leaned forward, resting one hand on the edge of the table that sat between the two men. "If you really want to go home, we can keep looking for a way."

"No. I'm content with my decision. In either case I would have lost something anyway. I still love everyone back home and I miss them, but I would miss you and Sasha and Harry and the Blacks if I returned to them."

"What about Lily, Remus, and Peter?" Severus asked shrewdly.

Sirius sighed and blew on his tea to cool it, sending wide ripples through the dark liquid. "I'm not sure. I've told you about me and Remus, right?" At this, Severus snorted and Sirius continued blithely onward. "So being with Lily is obviously awkward. I can't be a husband in every sense of the word, it won't happen. I love her like a sister. My friendship with Remus is strained for the same reason. I see the man as a lover, not a friend. I know he obviously doesn't see me that way, he's probably straight, anyway, but I can't help it. Peter betrayed me. He betrayed all of us. I was imprisoned for the little rat's crimes. It's all I can do to stay in the same room as him and not wring his sorry neck."

The room fell silent as Severus munched thoughtfully on a broken biscuit. "If it makes you feel any better, Lupin is quite gay."

This time, Sirius did spit out his tea, spraying it on himself, the table, the biscuits, Severus, and everything else within three or four feet of his mouth. "What?"

"He's gay."

"Why don't I know this?" Sirius was shocked. He thought he and Remus were close friends, but obviously they were not, if Remus was hiding his sexual orientation from Sirius. "He hasn't brought his boyfriend over or anything. Peter is always dragging poor Julia to dinner with us."

Severus quietly mopped up the tea that had landed on his clothing. "Let's just say that your alternate was not... open to various lifestyles."

"He's my evil twin, I swear," Sirius muttered, burying his face in his hands. "How did I end up with the bastard as my alternate self?"

The dark-eyed schoolteacher shrugged. "At least you didn't choose him. I can only assume that you are open to Remus' choice?"

"Yes, Severus, I'm a homophobic homosexual," Sirius snorted. "Of course I'm open to it, you idiot."

Severus nodded. "Should Lily be worried?"

Ever tactful, Sirius thought, ever tactful. "No. Despite my growing hatred for Sirius Black, I will respect his choice in that," Sirius said. "I won't abandon my wife or my child; they deserve better than that. And I doubt Remus would be open to any move on my part."

"I dearly hope you did not invite yourself to my house to discuss your sordid sex life," Severus replied glibly. "As apathetic as I am to that, further discussion may make think twice about having another biscuit."

"Actually, I just came here to talk about my life here," Sirius confessed. "I know we talk about it a lot, especially with Wolfgang and Sasha, but if I'm going to stay, and I am, I need to know about myself. For instance, I had no I idea I was homophobic. I can't afford to keep making mistakes."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Keep making mistakes?"

"I told Harry bedtime stories. I encouraged him to make friends. If you didn't warn me, I would have told Remus to bring his boyfriend over for dinner. I'll still do these things, I won't let my double run my life, but I need to be prepared for people's reactions."

"You're going to tell Lupin to bring his boyfriend over for dinner?" Severus asked in disbelief.

"I don't see why he's friends with me when I'm such a bigot," Sirius responded honestly.

"You were friends before sexuality became a topic, I suppose. Of course, Peter and Lily know all about it; they did at school, anyway."

Sirius shook his head. "Not only am I a bigot, I'm an idiot, to boot. Does this day get any better?"

Severus only laughed at him.

"See? I make mistakes. How am I going to hide the fact that I'm not the Sirius Black they know?"

"Two options," Severus explained, setting his tea on a coaster. "First option, you can hide and pretend to know what's going on, playing everything by ear. That's what you've been doing and we all know how well that works. Second option, you can explain everything to them just like you explained to Sasha, Wolfgang, and me."

Sirius just stared at his friend.

"Personally, I prefer the second option," Severus continued when he realized Sirius was not going to say anything. "If you want to stay married to Lily, I suppose that's your prerogative, but I think she deserves the truth. It is up to you if you want to tell Remus and Peter, they might be a bit upset by what you know about them. I doubt Peter really wants to hear that he's a traitorous homicidal maniac and Remus just would love to know that he allowed his innocent lover go to prison without a trial."

Sirius shook his head violently. "I can't tell Lily."

"Why ever not?"

"First of all, she wouldn't believe me. Second of all, I don't want to end up like Wolfgang. She still thinks something is wrong and if I tell her I'm a wizard, I'll end up being Wolfgang's new roommate. Third, if she does believe me, she'll leave me and I'll lose Harry all over again."

"'Truth is the only safe ground to stand on,'" Severus quoted. "Look at how hard your life is now, hiding yourself and make mistakes." Sirius nodded. "If you just show her some magic, as you did for the rest of us, she will have no problem believing you. She also won't think you mad because she will see the truth. You are a wizard, complete with a magic wand. I can't guarantee that she won't leave you. You may frighten her. If you tell her about Remus, she may feel obliged to allow you to pursue your own life. I'm sure, though, if you explain your attachment to Harry that she won't take him from you. Lily isn't vindictive like that."

"My life just got back on track. I have a normal life for the first time in more than fifteen years, Severus," Sirius cried. "It's as simple as that. I don't want to lose this!"

"Lily was my friend as well as yours, when we were in school. And there was nothing she hated more than being lied to. For her, it is the ultimate betrayal. I know she has changed since we were children, but I'm sure that that at least has remained the same."

Sirius had nothing to say to that, running his forefinger around the rim of his mug. He looked thoughtful, although his pale eyes betrayed his emotions. He truly wanted to live peaceably with his wife. He did not want to spend the rest of his life keeping secrets from the people he was supposed to trust most. That would not be Hell, but it would certainly make his life quite miserable. He could only imagine how much better it would be to share his secret, to have Lily understand him and his strange idiosyncrasies.

"Why are you so sure this will all end badly?" Severus asked.

Sirius sighed and stretched his left leg, bracing it against the table. "I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just a natural pessimist." Severus snorted at this. "Well, I could be. It's just that everything else in my life - from before - was taken away from me without a second thought. In one day, I managed to lose my friends, my lover, my freedom, my job, my home, and my life. Imagine that. You have a life, it's hard and you need to work, but you have everything you need and most of what you want. And then, suddenly, it all comes crashing down around your ears. It would make anyone skittish."

Severus sighed, loudly, as if making a point. Sirius did not understand and just stared at him blankly. "Its more than that," Severus elaborated. "Plenty of people have lost everything in their lives, but don't act like you."

Sirius' eyes flashed dangerously. "And what in Hades is that supposed to mean?"

Lifting his hands in a sign of peace, the teacher raised an eyebrow. "That. See? Your emotions are on a roller coaster. One minute you're near tears from your losses and the next, you're ready to kill me for suggesting that you're different from most of the population."

"Azkaban," his companion replied shortly.

"Prison, yes, it always comes back to prison."

"Not prison," Sirius clarified. "Azkaban is Hell on Earth. There is nothing like it. Be thankful there are no Dementors here."

Severus watched his friend's closed expression for a moment, realizing that, once again, Sirius would not discuss his imprisonment with him. It hurt a bit, knowing that he was keeping such large secrets, but Severus knew he could not force his new friend to talk. That was not friendship.

He rose gracefully and gathered both his mug and Sirius's, disappearing into the kitchen once again.

Sirius stared at the kitchen door for a tense moment. Shit, he thought. I royally fucked up this time. I cannot believe I just did that. This is Snape. And I just insulted him. And he's my only friend. Shit.

He was not prepared for Severus returning to the room bearing mugs of steaming tea. "I thought you might be getting thirsty."

The ex-convict accepted the tea silently, slightly shocked by Severus' abrupt turn in conversation.

"Have you decided?"

"Eh?" Sirius asked coherently.

"Will you tell Lily? I'm more than willing to back you up, if necessary, and Sasha would probably do the same if you asked."

Sirius blinked at him for a moment. "You aren't the Severus Snape from my world."

"I thought we cleared that up when I didn't kill you for fitting me into that blasted corset."

"Yeah, I guess we did," he responded, an open grin spreading across his face.

"Well?"

"I think I'll tell her. I want to see what Harry thinks of this all, first, you know. It's his life I could be messing up and I get the feeling my double did that enough. If he thinks its okay, then I'll go for it."

"You concede I have a point?" Severus asked, pulling out the chess set. They always played chess when Sirius visited, if they were not trying to find the Archway and Veil.

Sirius scowled. "Why do you always say that, like I'm the village idiot or something?"

Severus only raised an eyebrow.