Three O'clock in the Morning

Three O'clock in the Morning

In the real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Give Up the Fiction

We might as well give up the fiction / that we can argue any view / for what in me is pure Conviction / is simple Prejudice in you. - Phyllis McGinley

The days passed quickly in the summer, for Sirius, at least. He had a pattern and he stuck to it. During the week he would go to the funeral home every morning and come home for dinner with Lily and Harry every evening. Harry would chatter about his day, about Draco, about Hermione, about Thebe, and anything else that came to his mind at the dinner table. After supper, the small family would usually watch the television, play a board game, or read until it was time to sleep. If Peter or Remus visited, as they often did, Harry would retreat to his room and the adults played card games and talked. Sirius was still fighting the urge to tear Peter limb from traitorous limb, but he learned about his new world when they spoke, so he repressed his homicidal urges.

Often now, Lily would not say much of anything. At first, his wife's uncharacteristic silence unnerved him more than her previous half-hearted fighting, but then he noticed the look in her eye and found joy in knowing that she was not broken. At supper, one night, when Harry was eagerly explaining a new football strategy he and Draco were teaching Hermione, Sirius saw Lily's verdant eyes shimmer with unshed tears. He thought that she was upset, for a moment, before realizing, from the grin on her face, that Lily's tears were tears of joy. He had not seen anyone so happy in a long time. When he asked her about it in the bedroom that night, as he pulled on his decidedly unattractive flannel pants, she explained her reasons.

"Lily," Sirius had asked cautiously. "Did something upset you at dinner? When I was talking to Harry you looked as if you were going to burst into tears."

Lily sniffed, but smiled at her husband. "Oh, no, I wasn't upset at all. It's just..."

Sirius turned to face her, not understanding her explanation.

"You and Harry seem to be getting along now," she cried, embracing her shocked husband.

Sirius blinked slowly and patted her on the back, trying to soothe the highly emotional redhead. "It's ok... It's ok," he murmured.

Lily sniffed again. "I know, I know. It's just that for so long, the two of you always seemed to be at odds with each other, especially after he started running away. And now both of my men are happy and you talk to each other... And you told him bedtime stories..."

Bedtime stories? Sirius wondered, not realizing that he had voiced his thoughts.

She nodded against his broad shoulder. "The night he came home from school, I heard you telling him stories in his room. You were telling him about a boy named Harry who flew a racing broomstick and fought a dragon. You said the boy was a special wizard and could do powerful magic that even some adults couldn't do. I'd never seen you like that before. It was like you wanted him to know that he could do anything he set his mind to."

That night Sirius woke shortly after one a.m., full of fear from his old nightmares of Azkaban. Normally he would have used his Animagus skills and checked on everything in the flat, as he had done many times this summer, but this night he could not. This night he awoke to find himself wrapped tightly in his wife's ivory arms, with her face snuffling against the back of his neck. The position made him feel incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention fearful and trapped, but he did not want to wake his sleeping wife. Whether he woke her or not, he could not turn into a dog for she would surely notice and being Padfoot was the only way in which he could comfort himself after such a vivid nightmare.

He had fallen into a fitful sleep and when morning came, he needed more than his usual coffee to wake him for the day. Regulus had commented that he looked rather peaked, but Sirius had snarled at him and stalked to his office. He slowly began to learn to function without Padfoot because Lily had taken up the habit of wrapping him in her arms while they slept. He learned to feel less trapped and wary when he woke in his wife's arms and started to sleep off his nightmares, but Sirius would have much preferred to have been able to become Padfoot, if only to rescue him from his own memories.

It was Sunday night. They were once more gathered at Cold Brook Farm, on Patera's patio, to be exact. Sirius still had trouble coming to grips with the fact that his mother had a patio.

It was a nice patio, Lily called it lovely, but Sirius had little experience with patios on llama farms. He knew that the ground was brickwork and there were hedges of holly and lilac all around, protecting them from both the view and the smell of the llamas. It was decorated with white painted chairs and a few small tables. Undoubtedly, they would eat in the dining room, still without portraits, despite the warm, green breeze that flowed around the family outside.

He had finally memorized the absurd story about Bellatrix and Andromeda, though he sometimes wondered where Andromeda was. The rest of the family always came to Sunday dinner, sometimes even Rudolphus' brother, Rabastan LeStrange, would join them, but neither hide nor hair of the Andromeda, Ted, or Nymphadora was to be seen. It was odd to become attached to Narcissa and Bellatrix: he knew them to be Death Eaters, women of tainted hearts, but they seemed to be nothing but kind-hearted, dry-witted women of social stature. No one spoke of Andromeda and her family, ever. It held about it the tempting aura of the forbidden, but Sirius was not willing to risk his place in his family, not when he had a family. They were a bit odd, sure, but several steps up from the demons he had known among the Blacks.

Sirius poured himself some water from the pitcher by the lilac bushes. When he realized just how much he was telling Snape when he had been drinking, Sirius decided to cut back on in alcohol intake. Surely it was not good for his liver. Sasha joined him with her own glass, a hand resting on her already bulging belly. It was not large, but Sirius could see the swelling if he looked for it.

Sasha smiled at him, her hazel eyes glowing softly with warmth. "Sirius, have you thought on what we discussed on Wednesday?"

He laughed. It felt good to laugh again. "A bit," he teased. "I can't get my mind off it, actually. It preoccupies me, but luckily your ignorant husband hasn't noticed."

"He has," Sasha reprimanded, still smiling. "Reggie just doesn't want to say anything after the Azkaban incident. He feels it is one mark against him. You know, he still feels bad about suspecting you so easily."

Sirius shrugged benignly. "It was rather insulting, but I don't know much about myself, so it could be accurate, for all I know."

"No, no. It was entirely inaccurate. Whatever else you might have been, you were devoted heart and soul to Lily. She was- is lucky to have you."

"Even if I treat her son like crap," Sirius bit off.

Sasha paused, turning to watch Draco and Harry teaching Thebe to gamble at cards. They looked sweet together; all mirror images of their parents in their youth. "We forgave you that a long time ago. After everything James did, and Harry looking so much like his father, it was almost expected. You lived and breathed for Lily, even during school. When James stole her, he broke your heart. You would do anything for Lily, anything, and when he did what he did, I remember you were ready to kill him with your bare hands."

"I loved him like a brother." Sirius put some ice in his water.

"He betrayed you like Judas."

"Why?" Sirius asked softly. "He loved Lily with all of his being. He loved her the day he met her, when we were all eleven. He loved Harry. When the war began, he wanted to do everything he could to protect Lily, even went into hiding because she was in danger. Why would he do that?"

It was Sasha's turn to shrug. "I don't try to fathom his mind. James always acted immature, like a spoiled child. I assume he didn't like the fact that Lily didn't lavish every attention onto him, especially after Harry was born."

"Impossible. They were separated for months at a time and still loved each other like infatuated teenagers."

Sasha rested her hand on her brother-in-law's shoulder. "Your world is different from ours, Sirius. Perhaps something happened to James that didn't happen here. But aren't you glad you have Lily for a wife?"

He could not bring himself to tell Sasha how painful it was to sleep in Lily's bed. He could not tell her whose bed he longed to share. He could not and it was that simple.

"It will all work out for the best, Sirius. It always does."

"No, it doesn't, Sasha. Perhaps here you can have the ideals, but at home... We face war and death and everything that comes with it. I lost twelve years to a prison sentence I never earned. Known murderers walk free. Life goes on."

"Yes. Life goes on. But couldn't this be life working out for the best? You have a home, a family, and a life. You had none of that before."

"I don't want to forget."

Sasha smiled. "You have Wolfgang for that. You can always talk to him."

Sirius' blue eyes flashed red for a moment. "I told you, I won't talk to him any more than is necessary."

"I don't understand this prejudice of yours. Has he ever done anything against you? Not that I have ever heard you tell."

"He betrayed the Light!" Sirius exclaimed softly, toying with a blooming lilac.

"He did not betray you."

"It is one in the same. I will not talk about it. You cannot understand."

Sasha hated it when Sirius got into his moods. He would dig his heels in and refuse to discuss whatever was bothering him. Severus called it a defense mechanism, but Sasha called it simple bull-headedness. And Sirius never said a word about it.

Sirius sniffed at the lilacs, breathing in their warm, clean scent. No one had lilacs back home. Perhaps they were a peace-loving plant. He almost laughed; perhaps everyone was right, maybe he was crazy. How could a plant love anything? Plants were... He remembered a Herbology lesson, from his second year, when he worked with a Tentacula and Mandrakes. Those plants certainly had minds of their own; Remus had been knocked unconscious by a screaming mandrake baby, despite his earmuffs. Perhaps it would not be so odd for lilacs to love peace. He was almost tempted to string a bloom in his hair, but everyone would undoubtedly laugh at him and wonder what was wrong.

On an impulse, he took the lilac he had momentarily intended for his own hair and braided it into Sasha's dark locks. She laughed and smiled at him, as if to ask what he was doing.

"A lilac for peace," he said with a smile. "Maybe it's a good thing you don't have our experiences of the War."

Then, as the sun began to fall somewhere beyond the hedges and bleating llamas, the Blacks realized that it was high time for dinner. Regulus found his bride and wrapped his arm protectively around her waist, leading the family indoors.

Dinner was a simple affair, or as simple as it ever was at Cold Brook Farm. Lucius and Narcissa, and by default Draco, were vegans. Sirius had never heard of a person not eating meat before he came to this world, unless he counted the time in fifth year when Prongs tried to give up meat, dairy, and fish because he was a stag. Needless to say, that had not gone well what with the food the elves prepared, and Prongs caved after a week. Yet, Bellatrix, Rudolphus, and, apparently, he always ate meat at the evening meal. Sasha did not want anything rich or heavy due to her hormones, but desired protein at the same time. Draco, Thebe, and Harry were all picky eaters. Thus, there were more dishes and side dishes than Sirius had seen since his last Leaving Feast.

Patera had removed the "no sex, no politics, no religion" rule after both Regulus and Rudolphus had pleaded that no one talked at dinner anymore. It was, in fact, the truth. Patera and Narcissa had their hands full every Sunday interrupting or shushing Lucius and Bellatrix when they broke the 'rule' by making a bawdy joke or debating whether or not the trees in a distant nation should be saved. It was amusing, but tiring for the rest of the table to watch, so Patera agreed to remove the ban.

She had laughed when she did, the sweet laugh of an old woman retired to run a farm, though Cold Brook was nothing like any Muggle farm Sirius had read of in his books. The stone house was old, though not as old as the ancient ancestral homes of the Purebloods. And Patera was nothing like his mother. To see an older woman, silver haired and blue eyed who smiled and laughed, to see a farm, albeit one with a fine home attached, to see them together, was a shock for Sirius. He had never seen Patera so pleasant. He had never been to a Muggle home that was so beautiful. As shocking as it was, Sirius loved it.

Perhaps the farm and family, like the lilacs, could only exist in times of peace. His mind rested on these thoughts again, during dinner, staying away from the light banter and lively conversation. Peace, family, farms, and lilacs. Sounded like a bad Muggle song, Sirius thought. Lily had listened to them when they had been a Hogwarts together, before the First War - or the First Wave, as Sirius thought of it - before Voldemort had risen to his highest power.

He liked it here. He enjoyed his work, to some extent, now that he knew what to do. He was happy to be surrounded by friends and family all of the time. He was overjoyed to be able to raise Harry, as he had sworn to do. He found Muggle life intriguing, finally understanding Arthur's fascination with Muggle Artifacts. The best part, though, was being able to go where he wanted, when he wanted. It had been nearly two decades since he had had the freedom to stretch his legs.

Sirius was accepted here, and he knew it. He knew that Sasha and Harry wanted him to stay with them. He was unsure of Severus' feelings about the whole situation, but then he had never tried to understand the man before now. Despite his magic and his history, his godson and sister-in-law still wanted him. He had not felt like this since his Hogwarts days.

Perhaps he could stay here after all. The grand search for the Archway and Veil was failing rapidly. No references could be found to such an object in any book. It was quite possible, he had realized, that in this magic-less world, magical artifacts might not exist, and the Archway and Veil certainly contained high levels of ancient magic. For all any of the researchers knew, the Archway and Veil could be in a museum or building, masquerading as a normal arch with no powerful mage to see the Veil.

Sirius knew that Harry would be pleased if he chose to stay. The young man had grown close to him over the weeks and both Sirius and Harry had become quite attached to one another. Sasha wanted him to stay here, she had said as much on the patio earlier that evening. His sister-in-law was also more than willing to teach him what he needed to know about this world, should he choose to stay. He could only pray that Severus would agree with them and stop trying to find a way back to his world.