Harry Potter and the Pepperoni of Doom!

"Mu-wahahaahahaahahahaah!" cackled the witch, surveying the scene in the kitchen. "Mu-wahahahahaahah!" she repeated unnecessarily.

The witch was sitting on her bed, unable to believe the chaos that she, yes, she had created. "That'll teach them," she said, as she saw Malfoy jump over to reach Harry and pin him down with some fluffy handcuffs last seen on Snape with somewhat unnecessary force.

"Chaos, my favourite word. No, this'll show them - this will show them that I am no longer a troll. No longer am I a woman to be pitied or ignored. This will show that Albert Munchkin that I am all woman. I'll show them...I'll show them all!" she squealed insanely. "This'll be..." but what she wanted to say was lost forever, for Eloise Midgen had spotted a humungous spot on her chin and had to go and squeeze the pus out.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the depths of the forbidden forest, Colin Creevey entered the strangely beautiful tree through the opening. Inside was a series of steps, carved from the very tree itself, which twisted down deep into the ground. The winding staircase was brightly lit, although Colin could not locate any source of the light. Out of sheer curiosity more than anything else, Colin decided to venture downwards.

The steps seemed to go on forever. Colin had been walking for what felt like an hour, although in reality it had only been about five minutes. He eventually reached the bottom and found himself in a small room that he assumed must be some sort of changing room, owing to the fact that there were several lockers lining the walls, and a pile of soft white fluffy towels.

Colin couldn't resist the urge to peek inside one of the lockers and found a set of elegant robes, along with a pointy wizard's hat. He decided that this changing room must be here for a reason, and so he took off his clothes, depositing them in one of the lockers and wrapping one of the towels around his waist.

He exited through the door at the opposite end to the staircase and found himself in a large room: what could only be described as a sex parlour. To his far right was a hot tub in the shape of a heart, which could easily accommodate twenty people. The rest of the room was taken up with numerous plush couches, beds with handcuffs attached and a sex swing. The walls were lined with various implements, for most of which Colin didn't have a clue as to their use.

Curiosity led him onwards to the door on the other side of the room. Opening it, Colin saw something that both shocked and turned him on. Hanging from the ceiling by his wrists was a naked Dumbledore, save for a cunningly placed towel. He was being beaten savagely with an extra large spicy sausage by a snake-like man with red eyes and a strangely appealing figure-hugging evening dress.

"Ah, another slave for my pleasure," said You-Know-Who (What? Alright, I'll call him Voldemort). "What's your name, boy?"

Colin could only think of one name apart from his own. A name from his favourite movie. "My name is Frank N. Furter."

"Well Mr Furter," said Voldemort, "shall we have some fun?"

Voldemort pointed his wand straight at Colin, muttered a few words, and Colin was hanging from the ceiling like his headmaster.

"Hello, Professor Dumbledore, Sir," said Colin. "We're in a bit of a pickle, aren't we?"

"You could say that," said Dumbledore. "It's best just not to argue and enjoy the pleasure."

* * *

The unnoticed howler made its way over to Ginny, smouldering before screaming into flames...

"VIRGINIA WEASLEY, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING UP TO? YOUR CUCKOO KEEPS BURSTING OUT OF THE CLOCK AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT!!! FIVE TIMES LAST TUESDAY!!! FIVE!! YOUR FATHER HAS TO BE UP IN THE MORNINGS!!! YOUR BROTHER RONALD, HE CAN KEEP HIS PECKER IN! HIS WOODY HASN'T BURST OUT FIVE TIMES IN HIS LIFE!!! KEEP IT UP AND YOU'LL BE GROUNDED...."

The elves trembled. "Mistress Wheezy!" they cooed.

"Boor Molly," said Hagrid. "Bloomingids! Don'o'woss'goodferrum!" despite the fact Ginny was clearly finding out...

"Gerroff'immalFoy - the prophecy!!!"

But Malfoy was finding out the hard way that Harry could not be touched.

"Help! I'm melting!"

* * *

Meanwhile in the tree of carnal knowledge, things were getting spicy...

"Na-har," said the witch as she entered undetected, to see Voldie flicking his wand around like a lasso, occasionally spitting sparks.

"MOLLY!" cried Albus. "Help us!"

Voldemort spun round as if to attack, then relaxed, pouting seductively and reclining over the top of his grand piano.

"Hello my servant, you have done well. You are the greatest of all my minions, my highest lackey, and you will taste the rewards of my luscious hips."

Albus was dumbfounded. Voldie was having fun.

"I believe you've met my faithful vassal," he said, with a smile curling up like an Audrey Hepburn impression.

"Yeah," said the witch with a wink, "WOTCHER!"

"Now," said Voldie, "did you get me what I needed?"

Suddenly Tonks, for it was she, turned into a perfect likeness of Firenze and produced a large meat product, hot and fresh out the kitchen. She then turned into Hagrid's doppelganger.

"You have been busy," said Albus.

"Busy?" laughed Tonks, doing her impersonation of the dumb half giant. "'AGRID's alweys bizzy," she sang. "Zippin'on cowk'n'rum, 'mloike, sowha' ah'mdrunk! Issderfriggin weeken' ah'mabbout do ave me some fun!!"

But as she entered verse two, 'SKKKRRRPOW!' - lightning struck, leaving nothing but a smoking pair of size thirty-twos...

Colin Creevey had fainted. Voldie licked his lips with a perfectly forked tongue...

* * *

Back in the Astronomy Tower, the Ravenclaws were preparing to get down to some serious wand waving.

Michael Corner looked at the three Gryffindors that had bothered to turn up for the duel. "Is this all of you?" he said in disbelief. "Where are the rest of your housemates?"

"Ah well you see what happened was..." Dean panted (he was out of breath having run up from the kitchen. He was also covered from head to toe in mashed potato). "We all would have come, but we ran into a spot of trouble, so we came to honour the agreement."

Seamus and Dennis nodded feverishly. Michael looked back at his fellow Ravenclaws. "This is going to be a piece of piss," he sniggered.

"Erm, excuse me," piped up Dennis, in a quivering voice, "but my wand action's a little bit off today, so could we play Twister instead?"

He grinned hopefully, holding the game out in front of him.

Michael whipped out a nine-inch treat and raised one eyebrow. "Okay, but let's make this interesting," he grinned.

A group of ten Ravenclaws, led by Michael Corner (Ginny's old piece of meat), were engaged with a small group of three Gryffindors in a two-on-two contest in the game of kings.

"Right foot yellow," said a large sausage-brandishing Michael Corner after he had spun the dial.

Seamus, still holding a packet of Cheesy Doodles, managed to just about get his right foot on one of the yellow circles, although it left him face first with Dean's crotch.

"Don't you dare get any cheesy marks over my trousers!" exclaimed Dean. "Do you know how difficult it is to clean these PVC trousers?"

"Left hand green," said Michael Corner spinning the dial once more.

Stuart Ackerley had been lucky all game, and he hardly had to stretch at all to put his left hand on a green circle.

"Lucky bastard," said Seamus, so that only Dean could hear him.

"Right foot blue," said Michael Corner.

Dean just about managed to move his foot to a blue circle and nearly toppled over in the process, but it left his crotch even closer to Seamus face. Still it wasn't anything to worry about at the moment; they'd been in closer proximity before.

"Right hand red," said Michael Corner.

The other Ravenclaw playing the game, Terry Boot, was also lucky with his placement and easily made the circle.

"This fucking game is fixed!" shouted Seamus from under Dean. "How come you Ravenclaw bastards always get easy ones?!"

"Just the luck of the spin, Mr. Finnegan," said Michael, playing with a smaller spicy sausage through his trouser pocket. "Just luck."

"Forget that!" said Dennis Creevey, crying his eyes out and stomping up and down like a toddler. "When the hell do I get to have a go?"

* * *

A small group of Hufflepuffs were creeping along the corridors of the castle in the middle of the night, being careful not to make a sound.

"Where exactly are we supposed to be going?" asked Justin Finch-Fletchley.

"I'm not sure exactly," said Ernie Macmillan, who was leading the group. "Just go where the wind takes us, I guess."

"But why are we just going where the wind takes us?" asked Justin Finch-Fletchley. "It's dangerous walking the halls at night, and you know we Hufflepuffs are all cowards."

"It wasn't an easy decision," said Ernie Macmillan, "but I've been looking at the story so far and we haven't appeared since chapter three."

"So basically we roam the school and either get caught up in on of the plots already going on, or we go on what looks like a totally unrelated quest which eventually ties in with all the others?" asked Susan Bones.

"That's the plan, yeah," said Hannah Abbott.

The four Hufflepuff continued to walk around the castle at random, deciding where to go on the spur of the moment. After about two hours of constant walking (with only a fifteen minute break while Ernie Macmillan and Hannah Abbot hid in a broom cupboard to 'swap chocolate frog cards'), they found the Fat Friar looking gloomily into an abandoned classroom.

"Ooooooh," moaned the Fat Friar.

"What's up, Mr. Friar, sir?" asked Justin Finch-Fletchley.

"I need help, young Hufflepuffs," said the Friar. "My life hangs in the balance."

"But you're a ghost," said Susan Bones. "You don't have a life, and neither does Justin."

"Alright I'll re-phrase it - my existence hangs in the balance," said the Friar. "There is an extremely powerful evil presence nearby that is draining me of my essence."

"How do we stop it?" asked Hannah Abbott.

"You must all go on a quest for the Holy Kebab of Storgé," said the Friar.

Directly below the Hufflepuffs, bar a few floors, the occupants of the kitchen froze as Hagrid held the pepperoni stick, inspecting it closely.

"Harry, grab it!" Hermione yelled.

On command, Harry ran over the slippery floor and fell to his knees, flying along the parquet flooring, arms outstretched. Before Hagrid could react, Harry grabbed his pepperoni and tugged hard.

But Hagrid's grip was too strong, and Harry slipped his hands off the end and fell backwards.

"I can't get it! It's just too big!"

Malfoy snorted. "Maybe for you..."

"Ron, maybe the two of us can tug it off." Harry ignored Malfoy, although he did notice how sexy his derisive smirk really was.

Ron rubbed his hands together and the both of them went to grab the pepperoni off Hagrid, but although they pulled and pulled, Hagrid wouldn't give in.

"Iss ma pepperoooni. Aam 'oongry. Ye canna have it!" Hagrid shouted.

The boys gave up, as all they seemed to end up doing was stroking the salami instead of tugging it off.

Seeing the helplessness of the situation, Hermione grabbed a mandarin cheesecake and threw it at Hagrid, glass plate and all. It hit Hagrid square on the chin, and down he went, making the castle shake. All went quiet apart from the slurping noises coming from Crabbe and Goyle's direction.

Harry looked over. "Er, is he dead?"