The Man With The Golden Wand

Chapter 4: Gun-toting, Leather Catsuit-wearing Women Are Dangerous

Things had come to a standstill. The girls were having an argument over who would get to frisk me and neither seemed to be winning. Finally Liz lost her temper and took charge.

"Itsu, you can frisk him. Trisha, you got to frisk Malfoy."

Itsu slowly and deliberately passed her hands up and down my body. She seemed disappointed when she found the gun in my pocket.

"Well, I guess that answers that question," she said sadly.

I flinched at her touch and scowled as her roving hands found my wand as well. At least I still had my shoes.

"Take off his shoes as well," Liz instructed. "I´ve seen spy movies."

Damn.

E returned and helped Itsu tie me to a pole like some sort of ceremonial sacrifice. Trisha tied Malfoy to another one and his head slumped forward, still unconscious. Liz was pointing her gun at me to make sure I didn´t move. Where did she think I was going to go?

"Have you hurt Hermione and my sister?" I demanded, struggling against my bonds. It was completely ineffectual but it was the sort of thing I was expected to do.

"Of course not. We´re hoping they´ll join us," Liz replied.

"Us?" I echoed.

They came single-file into the room; and they just kept coming. There were endless numbers of women in various states of undress. Apparently only the top agents were wearing catsuits. I saw Callia and Kristine standing in the back, but there was no sign of Marix. I wasn´t sure if that was a good thing or not.

As still more women poured in, I said, "Bloody hell, how many of you are there?"

"Enough," E said, tightening the ropes. "There, I hope that´s uncomfortable."

"Very," I replied, grimacing. "Now let me guess, this is the part where you tell me your evil but brilliant plan."

"Nope," Trisha said from her position next to Malfoy. "We´re just waiting for one more person."

A hush fell over the group which had only moments ago been whispering excitedly. The crowd parted. I strained my neck to see the newcomer who would undoubtedly prove to be the one in charge.

It was just another woman. Nothing out of the ordinary about her, nothing that seemed to suggest supreme power. Yet everyone watched her every step with baited breath and I could tell that some of the younger ones were resisting the temptation to bow down to her. Her heavy leather boots clunked along the floor until she reached a spot a foot or so in front of me. She pushed up the sleeves of her camouflage jacket and reached out to touch my face in a soft caress.

Damn her hands were cold.

Then she drew her wand and I realized exactly what put her in charge. The wand was pink and sparkly; clearly, this was the wand of someone who knew they had the power. Only someone who was in complete control would carry something so stupid looking.

"Ron Weasley," she said with a smile. "Welcome. We´ve been waiting for you."

"And who are you?" I asked politely.

"Me? I´m Plumeria. The girls call me Plu. I´m the brains of this operation. Before we get started, do you have any questions?"

She was smiling quite pleasantly at me and I goggled at her. Obviously the woman was out of her mind.

"Only one. What the hell are you planning? Why did you kill Neil? Where are Hermione and Ginny? What´s going on?"

She tsked. "That´s four questions. But let me see if I can clarify. I used to own the Electric Dragon, you see. It was called Plu´s Place back then. But times were tough, and I was going bankrupt. I needed a gimmick, something to draw in customers--"

"Excuse me," I interrupted, "but you´re getting off topic. What does this have to do with my questions?

"I apologize. The point is, none of it worked, and I was forced to sell. Dragon bought it, and turned it into a nefarious nightclub. He offered to keep me on, but I told him I´d only drop in periodically to check on the place. But I started to miss it.

"Then as I watched him, I found myself disgusted by Dragon´s behavior. All the women who used to work for me were now his harem girls! It was disgustingly chauvinistic. And I decided that it was more than wanting my place back. I had to fight the oppression of women! As I realized that Dragon was a male chauvinist pig, I realized that much of the world was as well."

She shrugged. "So I decided that the next step was world domination."

"Of course," I agreed. "It´s the logical next step."

She ignored me.

"Malfoy wasn´t really part of the plan," she admitted. "But Trisha really wanted him, and it had the added bonus of getting you here."

Before I could ask why she wanted me here, she continued. "Neil was a roadblock and he had to be taken out of the way. So I had him removed."

"You mean you had him killed. Too afraid to do the dirty work yourself, Plu?"

Again, she ignored me. "With him out of the way and all his employees freed from oppression, we could concentrate on world domination with the Dragon as our base of operations. And this is where you come in."

Freedom from oppression; seemed just the sort of cause Hermione could get behind. Wonder what catchy acronym she could come up with this time.

I came out of my reverie just in time to hear these last words.

"Oh, and what is my role in all this?" I asked, attempting to keep my face curiously blank.

"You´re our human sacrifice," Plu said matter-of-factly. "Please try not to struggle."

I gaped. I knew it! Crazy females, they all either wanted me for my incredible sex appeal or to sacrifice me to appease some gods.

Malfoy stirred, blinked, and opened his eyes wide. Trisha clapped her hands delightedly and cooed at him. He looked horrified.

"Weasley," he said startled, when he saw me. "What the hell is going on?"

"It appears that I´m a sacrifice and you´re Trisha´s new sex toy, Malfoy."

"Oh." A pause. "Right."

I sighed. "Aren´t you even going to ask about Ginny?"

Malfoy´s eyes popped. "Ginny! She´s here? Is she safe?"

I tried to shrug. "Ask her."

Plu smiled again. "Aw, no need to be sour grapes. You could make this much easier on yourself, Ron, by making yourself valuable. If you´re more valuable alive than you are dead, we´ll simply use Malfoy as our sacrifice."

"I like this plan," I said eagerly.

"I bet you do," Malfoy muttered.

There was a slight distraction as the door burst open and the silhouette of a stalwart figure was illuminated in the doorway. There were several admiring gasps from the crowd. Then the figure stepped through the door and became slightly less impressive. It was Harry.

He was immediately seized by several women on either side and they dragged him forward and tied him to another pole.

"Mr. Potter!" Plu said delightedly. "Welcome."

Harry stared at her, then at me, then Malfoy, then the room full of beautiful women, and then back at me again. His jaw dropped.

"Uh, Ron, what´s going on?"

"That seems to be the million galleon question, Harry," I replied with a sigh. "Honestly, between you, Ginny, Malfoy, and Hermione, it´s a miracle that I´m still alive. Are you trying to get me killed?"

"Hermione!" both Harry and Malfoy exclaimed. I cursed rather loudly.

"Yes, damn it. Me and my big mouth. She´s here, all right? And no, Harry, she´s not evil, and no, Malfoy, she´s not interested in you. She´s just Hermione. Let´s drop this, oh she´s going to kill me."

Plu had been watching this exchange with amusement. "I think it´s time. Everyone clear out, and send them in."

Them? Well, that certainly had an ominous feel to it. Harry looked at me nervously. Malfoy turned even paler, if that´s possible. I really wanted a drink. Now was not the time to be sober.

All of the women cleared out--including Plu. I was beginning to wonder if they were actually stupid enough to leave us unguarded when two new women entered. They were older than the others, closer to Neil´s age, but with age comes experience, and I had a nasty suspicion I knew what field they were experienced in.

"Hello, dears," one said. "My name´s Nell. This is Angua. We´re here to torture you for information."

"We feel," Angua added, noticing our confused and horrified expressions, "that being up front with our victims puts them more at ease."

Nutters, the lot of them. Why aren´t there ever any sane evil villains? Is it some sort of unwritten law that they must be crazy? Just once I´d like to encounter a foe who didn´t seem to find it amusing to comment on my upcoming death.

"So, who wants to go first?" Nell asked, smiling brightly. She and Angua took out their wands.

Malfoy´s eyes popped again; I suppose he wasn´t often molested by women his mother´s age. Then again, he had been in Azkaban, and they use ferrets like him for currency.

"I´ll talk!" he screamed. "Don´t torture me!"

"That is so pathetic," I said. "They haven´t even done anything yet!"

"But I´m too handsome to be tortured!" he cried. I rolled my eyes.

"Explain to me again why my sister is in love with you?"

"She is not!" Harry interjected.

I ignored him. "Honestly, you weren´t such a coward the last time we met, Malfoy. What the hell did they do to you in Azkaban?"

His eyes glittered dangerously. "Have you ever been in there, Weasley? Have you ever had to relive the worst moments of your life over and over again until you went mad?"

Nell and Angua had conjured some popcorn and two chairs. They were watching us like I watched my soaps.

"What could the worst moment of your life be, Malfoy? The day that Harry beat you in Quidditch for the millionth time? Aw, poor boy."

"You have no idea," Malfoy spat. "You know nothing about me, Weasley. I´m not the same boy I was at Hogwarts."

"Thank goodness for small favors." That came from Harry.

"Shut up, Potter. You know it´s eating you up inside that Ginny chose me instead of you. Be a big boy and get over it."

I heard Nell whisper to Angua, "Wonderful, they´re doing such a good job of torturing each other that we´re not even needed."

They had a point. "Gentlemen, this is ridiculous. We shouldn´t be jumping down each other´s throats, we should be looking for a way to escape!"

Angua nodded. "Admirable idea, except that you can´t get out. Even if you could manage to break free of your bonds, stun us, and get out of the room, you´d be lost. Now that Plu´s back in charge she revived all the old spells. This place is impenetrable and rooms and corridors appear out of nowhere. They only people who know how to navigate it are not precisely pleased with you right now."

"But if we could manage to break free of these ropes, stun you, and get out of the room, would we at least stand a chance?" I asked.

Nell looked thoughtful. "I suppose."

"STUPEFY!"

Nell and Angua hit the floor unconscious in the same instant. Clouds of smoke billowed from the powerful spell and through the fog stepped...Kristine, the waitress. Not Hermione. Well, that was surprising.

"Looks like we´re going to do this in a different order," Kristine said cooly. She came to my side and started untying the knots.

"Kristine? What are you doing here? Aren´t you one of them?" I asked apprehensively.

"I don´t approve of what they´re doing. Plu´s getting carried away. Besides," she paused, "I was fond of Neil." She shrugged. "He was always good to me, he didn´t deserve such a death."

"And I´m of the opinion that I don´t deserve one either," I said.

"That too," she said as she pulled the rope free. "Get to work on Harry´s ropes, I´ll handle Draco´s."

I rushed over to my best friend. Even though there wasn´t time, I took a moment for reflection. Sirius was right, Harry´s judgement was seriously impaired where Ginny was concerned, just as hers was where Malfoy was involved. And just like mine was with Hermione around. Yes, I was perfectly aware that I was being hypocritical. It´s not a crime.

"Trisha won´t be happy when she discovers her little toy is gone," I commented as I untied the last of Harry´s knots. Malfoy shot me a dark look.

"I´m hoping she won´t get a chance to object," Kristine said, pulling Malfoy loose. "Come on, let´s get out of here."

She started for the door, but I stopped her. "Hold on just a moment, what about the girls?"

Kristine stared at me blankly. "We don´t have time."

"We don´t have time!" I exploded. "I´m not leaving my sister and Hermione for these psychopaths!"

"Oh fine," she sighed, "but if this gets us killed, don´t blame me."

She set off down a seemingly random corridor. After several twists and turns, rights and lefts, false doors, dead ends, and a couple of abysses, Kristine pointed to the sign that said, "Top Secret Evil Plans Within--No Soliciting" and held a finger to her lips to indicate absolute silence. Then she pushed the door open. A bucket of water fell off and splashed on the floor. Kristine managed to catch the bucket before it made any noise. I had the urge to snort; this was their high-tech security system? A bucket of water over the door? Then I noticed that the "water" was eating a hole through the floor and I shuddered. Okay, so they were smarter than I thought.

I glanced around and my jaw dropped. It looked like a modern nuclear missile silo, complete with expensive-looking computer equipment and large electronic maps of the world. All the women who had been present for my capture earlier were there; some were making phone calls, others were typing out complex computer codes, others were arming the lasers, and a few were playing canasta on one side of the room. One was arranging a pile of bombs in the corner. You could tell this operation was being run by women; they had found time to decorate. Flowers and pastel colors covered every wall and counter-top; it looked like the Easter Bunny had decided that he was sick of eggs and was about to have a psychotic episode.

We piled into the room and hid behind some convenient machinery while we took stock of the situation. I could see Hermione and Ginny from our vantage point. They were tied to identical metal chairs and Plu was standing over them talking about something in earnest; I couldn´t tell what.

"Kristine," I hissed, "cast an eavesdropping spell on them."

She looked incredibly apprehensive, but she did as I ordered. A second later the sound of Plu´s voice surrounded us.

"So you see, ladies," Plu was saying, "you have two choices. Join us or die."

"Aren´t those always the choices?" Hermione said in bored tone. She turned her head towards Ginny as much as was allowed. "Personally, I´d prefer what´s behind door number three."

"I think you´re taking this a bit too far, Plu," Ginny said. "I mean, really, not all men are such chauvinistic pigs."

Both Harry and Malfoy preened. I was disgusted. I signaled for Kristine to turn the charm off and gathered everyone around me.

"Look, we need a plan," I whispered. "They outnumber us by quite a lot. We´re unarmed and, well, I´m not even wearing shoes. Any ideas?"

Kristine pressed something into Harry and Malfoy´s hands. "Here, use these. I took them off of Nell and Angua. Ron, you can use my gun."

I shook my head. "Oh no, I´m sick of guns. The damn things never do what you want them to."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Take my wand and I´ll use the gun."

I accepted her wand and was relieved to see it wasn´t pink and sparkly. Imagine what such a thing would do to my reputation.

"All right, troops," I said, starting to feel the adrenaline rush. It was making me giddy. "Harry, Malfoy, you flank to the left and right. I´ll plough down the middle. Kristine, you work on disarming the lasers. Ready?"

They all nodded and I was slightly impressed. Everyone was obeying my commands. I could get used to this.

We split up and as soon as the first spell was cast it was pandemonium. I kicked one of the girls who was rushing towards me, ducked a spell, leapt over a fallen table and landed with a thud at Hermione´s side. It wasn´t the most graceful of moves. There were wand blasts coming from every direction and the girls were so confused as to who was where that they were shooting their own. Harry and Malfoy were fighting with several groups of women, who for the most part didn´t seem to be trying to hurt them, but rather were trying...to molest them?

They broke free and fought their way over to Ginny. They arrived by her side at the same moment and both ducked as Hurling Hexes whipped over their heads.

"Shove off, Malfoy," Harry growled. "I´m rescuing Ginny."

"In your dreams, Potter. I´m saving her!"

Ginny looked from one to the other in dismay. "Stop arguing over who´s going to rescue me and rescue me!" she screamed.

While they dealt with her, I dealt with Hermione. Or at least, I tried to. Spells and hexes came at me from every direction and I could barely stand up. Hermione looked down at me with disdain. At least I knew she was safe; if she could glare, she was fine.

"Ron, I´m sorry to rush you," she said sarcastically, "but most of those spells are getting awfully close to me."

"I´m doing my best!" I shouted over the melee. "Hold on!"

"Where do you think I´m going?" she shouted back.

"ARM THE LASERS!"

I managed to reach over the side and blast one manacle open. Hermione turned over just in time to miss a rather nasty curse and started pulling at the other one. I ducked and something went flying over my head. I think it was Callia.

Meanwhile, between them, Malfoy and Harry had managed to get Ginny loose and were attempting to shield her since she was unarmed. I was still struggling to help Hermione. Then I saw Trisha run over--heading straight for Malfoy.

"Malfoy, Ginny, look out!" I shouted.

They turned. Trisha took advantage of this opportunity and knocked Harry to the ground. Then she grabbed Ginny and pressed a wand to her neck.

"FIRE THE LASERS!"

"Hermione!" I shouted. "Are you free yet?"

"Help me, you daft twit, instead of standing there asking me if I was alright! Honestly, you´re just like one of those people who notices a person is drowning and just stands around with his hands in his pockets before asking if perhaps that person wouldn´t like a towel--"

To my immense relief she pulled herself free during her tirade. She leapt off the table and headed towards me, but before she reached my side she was waylaid by Itsu and E. They advanced on her and forced her to back up. She shot me a panicked look.

"Hermione!" I heard myself cry. "Hold on!"

Pushing and shoving my way towards her, I was nearly there when someone stood in my way. It was Liz. And she still had her gun.

"Now, now, Ron," she said, smiling with pure evil intent. She was oblivious to the screams, crashes, and explosions behind her. "Stop right there."

I held my hands up, dropped Kristine´s wand, and backed up slowly. "Liz, you don´t want to shoot me. I´m sure you´d prefer me in one piece."

"Are you sure of that?" She had the look of a cat. Not a friendly cat, either, but a distinctly evil cat.

"I´m reasonably sure," I said, my voice wavering. Damn, I was losing my cool. Then I stumbled and tripped, falling to the ground. As Liz advanced, I crawled backwards.

"I´m perfectly willing to shoot you, Ron. I killed Neil. I´m a dead shot, too. I grew up in Iowa, there´s nothing to do there but shoot things."

"10..."

I heard Hermione´s muffled cries of outrage and thought I heard something like, "Ron, no!"

Of course, that may have been wishful thinking.

"So it was you who murdered Dragon," I said, stalling. "Do you always do Plu´s dirty work?"

She didn´t rise to the bait. "I knew you´d come for her. You love her, don´t you? I could tell, that first night you came to the club. I knew it, it was so obvious. What I didn´t understand was why. Care to enlighten me? The more you talk, the longer you stay alive."

The one time I had gotten him to talk about it, Harry had told me all the horrible things Voldemort had said to him, the night of his resurrection. That last sentence was burned into my brain. I had never understood how Harry had handled it, how he kept living.

Harry was still out and Draco was attempting to rescue Ginny from Trisha´s clutches. Liz was looking at me with murder in her eyes. I had never understood that expression until that moment. She raised the gun.

Then she fired it.

"9..."

I fell backwards with a horrified cry, writhing in pain. Blood flowed from the wound in my arm. I couldn´t move it, it felt like the bullet had shattered the bone, and I bit down hard on my lip to prevent myself from crying out again. Merlin, it hurt so bad. I nearly passed out in the first few moments.

"Oh dear," Liz said, placing a hand to her mouth. "I missed. Shall I try again?"

There was a ringing in my ears. I didn´t hear her, but I saw Hermione kick E in the stomach and smack Itsu´s head against the wall. She turned and ran towards me.

I had to keep Liz busy so she didn´t see Hermione. Malfoy cursed Trisha and caught my sister.

"Whatsamatter, Liz," I said thickly, trying not to think of the large hole in my upper arm. "Jealous?"

She let out a barking laugh. "Jealous? Why would I be jealous? I don´t even know you."

"8..."

Hermione was behind her now. I had to keep her talking.

"Didn´t you like Dragon?" My voice was faint now, I could barely hear myself.

"Sure, I liked him. But Plu said kill him, and she´s the boss. It was nothing personal. This however, this is personal."

Suddenly the bullet hole seemed less important. "What?"

"Personal. Do you have any idea why I want you dead, Ron? I mean, out of all the men in the world, why would Plu choose you, an insignificant wizard from Great Britain? Because I suggested it. Think about it, and I´ll give you a hint." She leaned down. "Does the name Delacour mean anything to you?"

Hermione chose that moment to hit her in the back of the head with a silver tray. Liz crumpled and fell to the floor. Hermione, gasping for breath, looked down at me and her eyes widened in shock. She fell to her knees.

"7..."

"Ron, oh, God, Ron, are you..." She trailed off as she saw the blood.

"Finally, you hit someone else for a change," I said weakly. "About bloody time."

"Ron, we have to get you to a hospital!" She didn´t move.

"Hermione, we really need to get out of here," I said, gritting my teeth, as an explosion rocked the building. "If I´m right, and I´m pretty sure I am, this place is going to collapse."

She snapped out of her momentary shock and looked around quickly. Most people were fleeing and Harry, who had recovered, Ginny, and Malfoy were heading towards the exit.

"6..."

"Help me up," I ordered.

"Ron, I don´t think we should move you, that injury looks serious!"

I glared. "It´s going to be a lot worse if this place collapses on me. If you´re so concerned..." I grabbed a wand off the floor. "Immobulus! Argh!" Fresh pain coursed through me as I cast the immobilizing charm on my arm. I nearly blacked out and stumbled.

"Ron--"

"For once in your life, Hermione, shut up. Now is really not the time. Help me get out of here."

"5..."

She supported me and we headed for the exit. Pieces of the ceiling fell and there were screams everywhere. I ignored them as best I could and concentrated remaining conscious while we escaped. We were almost out when a person blocked the door.

Plu and her sparkly pink wand were back.

Hermione paled and I felt myself slipping from her grasp. My knees were weak and I was sweating madly. In other words, I was in bad shape.

"You may strike us down, but we will rise again!" Plu intoned.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I grumbled. "I´ve heard it before. Why don´t you people just stay dead?"

"4..."

She raised her wand. "Perhaps if I finish you off, Ron Weasley, things will get back on track."

"STUPEFY!"

It was Kristine. Somehow she had picked up a wand (my wand, I realized a moment later) and was now standing next to the prone body of Plu. She looked down in horror and sank to her knees.

"3..."

The place shook again. I muffled my shriek of pain in a last-ditch attempt to retain some of my dignity. Ah, to Hell with it, my dignity went out the window long ago.

"Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!"

"We´re almost out, Ron," Hermione said in what I suppose was supposed to be a soothing tone.

"2..."

"Kristine," I said, my voice barely above a hoarse whisper. "Get out!"

But she wouldn´t move. Hermione scooped up my wand and kept pulling me out until we popped like corks from a bottle out of the club. As we sat on the pavement several feet away, we watched in fascinated horror as the entire club crumbled and sank into the ground. Soon there was nothing left but rubble. My arm was still bleeding copiously and it hurt like hell. I was feeling incredibly dizzy.

Harry and Ginny came running around the corner to us. Ginny gasped at the sight of me with blood all over my tuxedo. Damn! My tuxedo! It was a rental!

Harry grimaced. "Well, er, that was close."

My eyes widened. "Close? Close? What fight were you fighting, Harry? Help me up, Hermione."

She assisted me to stand and I noticed she was avoiding Harry and Ginny´s gazes. I sighed and froze as a shock of pain went down my spine.

"Where´s Malfoy?" I asked. Ginny´s expression clouded and Harry scowled. "Never mind, I don´t care right now."

I took a deep breath. "Chudley Mobile! Here Chudley Mobile!"

Hermione stared at me in disbelief. "He´s delirious! We have to get him to a wizard hospital!"

I was about to protest when a bright red convertible came careening around the corner. It stopped just short of Harry and all the doors opened. Ginny gaped.

"But how, it was in England!"

"I arranged for it to be sent here," I said indistinctly. "Get in. Harry, you pretend to steer. Ginny, up front. Hermione in the back. If no one objects, I´m going to collapse unconscious in the backseat."

They got in and then I half-flopped onto the seat next to Hermione. Feeling too dizzy and tired to think straight, I fell over and ended up with my head in her lap. She whispered something and the blood flow lessened considerably. I think I felt soft hands smooth the damp hair from my forehead.

"Hermione? We´re still going to see those red socks tomorrow, right?"

"We´ll see," she whispered. "Try to rest."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.