Living in the Past

Chapter Two

The Painful Photograph

"Lupin, did you ever get to look at this?" Mad-Eye asked gruffly as he held out a rough hand that contained a bent and tattered photograph.

I came closer to Mad-Eye and squinted at the picture. "No," I said still observing it. "I've never seen it before."

"Then look at it. It'll bring back old memories." He handed it to me and I took it gently. It was partially faded but you could still make out everything fine. Huddled in the photograph were around fifteen smiling people. Some people were partially obscured but they would be able to move to the front; it was a wizarding photograph after all.

I was looking at all of my old friends' smiling faces. I was looking at the first members of the Order of the Phoenix.

Some were raising their glasses, others waving. Everyone was so happy and had no idea of the horrible fate that would come to most of them. It was haunting having to see their happy faces then remember that most of them would never be able to smile again.

There I was. Waving in the front row next to Emmeline Vance. She was one of the few that had lived. I glanced over at a nearby mirror. I look somewhat the same. My hair hadn't started graying yet in the picture but it was definitely me.

So many old smiling faces, I thought as I looked at the first row. There was Mad-Eye looking the same as ever except his entire nose was still intact and he didn't look quite as grizzly. Dumbledore, who also looked the same and was smiling in his knowing way and raising his glass. Marlene Mckinnon, who had been one of Lily's friends until the Death Eaters took out her whole family. The Longbottoms, their pleasantly round faces smiling.

"Horrible," I murmured. Having to be tortured for information that they didn't have until they went insane. Poor Neville. He has the ability to be great but he doesn't have any confidence in himself. I remember Neville well from when I taught. He was a slightly bumbling child but a very good-natured one with an amount of talent in him, just no self-confidence at all.

Of course, having parents but not really having them could do that to you. Nobody should have to have their parents look at you blankly when you tell them that you're their son. You shouldn't have to see your parents half-dead and having no sense of thought or memories.

There was Benjy Fenwick, smiling very widely, his good looks shining. I remember seeing him in tiny bits and pieces after the third major battle in the First War. Not even all of his body was found. His good looks destroyed, his body mangled. It was sickening how another human being could do that to someone else.

"Move over," I said quietly, waving my hand in the air. The people in the second row moved forward as the people in the front moved back. Edgar Bones, another order member whose whole family had been taken out. Sturgis Podmore, who was killed last year. Caradoc Dearborn, who disappeared and was never found. Hagrid, he still looked the same, though his matted beard was a little shorter perhaps. Elphias Doge and the Prewetts. Fabian and Gideon Prewett fought wonderfully. They were probably the best fighters in the whole order. It took five Death Eaters to kill them.

All of the people in the second row now lay dead except for Hagrid. Six of my past acquaintances were now dead. Having to look at their cheery faces and then remember them lying on the ground with their eyes open and glossy, moving less than a rock, some of their bodies mangled and their flesh cool as ice. I gave a deep shudder and beckoned the next row forward.

This row hurt badly. It pierced me with a red-hot poker and then dunked me in a freezing cold lake. A rush of memories came flooding back. Their faces flashed in my mind, wearing every expression imaginable. Their voices said things I faintly remembered them saying. Some things were funny, while others were chilling.

"That was brilliant, Padfoot, jinxing Snivellus so he couldn't stop walking like a penguin!"

"STOP IT! I said to stop! They're just first years! What did they ever do to you, Potter?"

"We better go and help Peter, James. He's been jinxed to never stop doing the can-can."

"Lily, I'm so sorry to tell you this but I guess I best get it over with. I'm really sorry Lil. M-Marlene's been killed by Death Eaters. They got her whole family. I know she was your best friend and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, honey."

I closed my eyes with all my might. Make it stop, I thought to myself. Just make it stop. With every memory I felt myself being prodded with the poker again.

I kept my eyes closed and turned away from the picture and let it fall to the floor. The flashes of memories and voices stopped. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath and then picked up the photograph again.

Staring up at me, wearing their cheery expressions were James, Lily, and Sirius, my best friends who were now dead. I couldn't look them in the eye. It hurt too much. I fixed my gaze on one of the glasses that was being raised instead. James whose hair was untidy and rumpled like always. Lily, her emerald green eyes twinkling with her happiness and smile. Sirius, with his hair short and wearing his carefree girl-magnet smile.

I winced with the pain the photo brought me.

There was Peter in-between Lily and James. His watery eyes were filled with fear even though he didn't have a reason to be afraid at the time. Now it made sense why his eyes were always filled with fear. He was a traitor. He was the reason why two of my best friends now were dead. He also led to the death of Sirius. If it weren't for him going back to Voldemort and bringing him back, Sirius would still be alive. If Voldemort had never came back to power, Bellatrix wouldn't have gotten out of Azkaban. We wouldn't have had to use Grimmauld Place as headquarters and Sirius would have never had to meet Kreacher again, never would have had to step back in that house ever again. It all led back to Peter.

"Scum," I muttered as I went to find Mad-Eye and return the photograph.

"Where'd Mad-Eye go off to?" I asked Tonks. Today she was sporting her usual short, spiky bubblegum pink hair.

"He left for home. He said something about his eye sticking again and that he should best go home to give it a thorough cleaning. You think he could keep his unusual little hygiene habits to himself."

So I'd have to keep the photo until he decided to pay another visit to headquarters, which would probably be tomorrow. I tucked the photograph into my pocket and made sure to remember not to sit down anywhere until I took the photo out. I didn't want to damage the photo further.

"I think I'm going to turn in. Goodnight, everyone," I said as I made my way to the stairs.

On the way I stopped at Harry and gave him a smile. "Sleep well. Remember to keep your door locked. I forgot last night and Kreacher came in. It isn't a very nice awakening to find his mad eyes staring at you."

I try to imitate Sirius' humor but I can't do it well at all. I'm not going to try anymore. I think it just makes things worse.

Harry gave me a weak, forced smile. "I know, and I do. Ron told me last year. I wish we could just get rid of the stupid house-elf."

I just nodded and walked up the creaky old stairs, past the disturbing house-elf heads, and to my temporary bedroom. I pulled the tattered photograph out of my pocket and looked at it one last time before I put it in one of the drawers. I wasn't going to look at it again until I had to give it back to Mad-Eye. I didn't want to look at it again.