Malfoy Marriage Therapy

Malfoy Marriage Therapy

A disgruntled Hermione and a pissed off looking Draco Malfoy made tracks up the icy steps to Dr. Leary's office for their marriage counseling session. Their fifteen year old daughter, Pandora, accompanied them.

"Jesus Christ Mom," complained Pandora. "Why do I have to come to your stupid marriage counseling?"

"You know, that's a good point Hermione," said Draco. "Just go around Hogsmeade Pandora, this shouldn't take too long."

"No," said Hermione sternly. "I don't want her getting lost and I don't want to be walking around Hogsmeade for half the night looking for her." She pulled her coat further up her neck. "It's already cold enough as it is."

"Look," said Pandora, "I'll meet you in the Three Broomsticks in a couple of hours, is that all right?" Without even waiting for their assent, she flipped her curly black hair over her shoulder and walked off in the direction of Honeydukes. Her eyes glinted towards the Cockroach cluster... maybe her parents would stop fighting if they were too busy gagging up the cockroaches down their throats.

"You know, I wonder where she gets that black hair from," muttered Draco distinctly.

"Oh, shut it!" snapped Hermione and threw open the door to Dr. Leary's office.

Dr. Leary was a obviously new in the practice; her easy going demeanor and youthful face belied inexperience, though Draco and Hermione would soon find her to be a force to be reckoned with. She was currently taking notes, sitting in a plush scarlet armchair behind a large mahogany desk. Hermione personally disagreed with her decorating tastes... all the dark colors made the room seem smaller, more enclosed.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy," said Dr. Leary cheerfully. She adjusted her oval spectacles and put her curly hair into a bun. She grabbed a clipboard, a pen and reclined in an armchair identical to those she presented to Hermione and Draco.

"Now, we are going to do an exercise on listening this session," she said with a smile. "It's very simple. One of you will tell of a particular experience, and the other will just... listen. Who would like to go first?"

Hermione raised her hand immediately. Draco rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue. "Christ, it's like we're back in school again or something," he muttered. Hermione ignored his comment and began to speak with undisguised enthusiasm.

"Okay, I had the most bizarre dream once..."

"Oh god, not this again..."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up. So anyway, I was in a really fancy restaurant having lunch with a friend of mine--"

"Bet it was Harry," Draco muttered mutinously.

"Shut up! It was Ron, by the way!!!" Hermione exploded.

"Do we have to do this?" asked Draco. Hermione took no notice as she continued her story.

"I was having lunch and the waiter brought me my salad. It was Draco's head on a plate of spinach with his penis behind his head. I was rather flustered, and immediately said, 'I didn't order this.'

"But the waiter said, 'You must try this, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish.' That really confused me, but I'm telling all of this to you, verbatim."

Meanwhile, Dr. Leary was making notes on her clipboard. "Hmm. That's interesting. Draco, what do you think of the dream?"

"What do I think?" Draco made a derisive noise in his throat. "I think she should stop telling it to our friends when I hold my dinner parties. I mean, dreams are supposed to be private. Don't you agree?"

"Oh please," scoffed Hermione. "I was only answering the woman's question! And I'm at least participating in the exercise. Isn't that right, Doctor?"

"Now, now, now," said Dr. Leary, peering thoughtfully at him over her oval glasses. "I'm not here to judge or take sides. What I will say is, communication is healthy."

"Healthy?" said Draco with a disbelieving look. "It's healthy for her to dream of me being castrated Florentine? Just like it's healthy for her to be having an affair."

Hermione cut in. "It was a long time ago! It didn't mean anything, it was just a ploy to get back at you!"

"Oh, don't you start with that---"

Ding!

Dr. Leary rang her bell every time they got too loud. For some reason, these two need the bell more than any of her other patients.

"Okay, okay," she said soothingly. "Draco, what do you think of Hermione's affair?"

"Oh, he just wants me to wear a big red "A" on my chest and sleep in the basement!" interrupted Hermione bitterly. (Who's read "The Scarlet Letter? Great book...)

Draco looked at Hermione, his eyebrow unmistakably arching. "Is that so much to ask?" he inquired tartly.

"Look, Harry was nothing more than a friend to me. It was a stupid thing, It didn't mean anything, it shouldn't even be COUNTED as an affair!" said Hermione.

Draco turned to Dr. Leary. "Well, I'm not the only one who wonders where Pandora gets that hair of hers. How does black come out of two dominant genes of blond and brown?"

"Mr. Malfoy..."

"Dr. Leary, I think that we should have a ruling on this."

"Oh please Draco," spluttered Hermione, color rushing to her face. "I had that affair after Pandora was born!"

"Oh, and that makes it so much better, doesn't it Hermione?!"

Ding!

Dr. Leary rang her bell again. "Listen, we're getting too loud again, don't disturb next door with your problems. Now, how has the sexual relationship been in the course of the marriage?"

Draco rolled his eyes and was suddenly fascinated with the scarlet wall of the office.

"Well," Hermione hesitated. When Dr. Leary nodded her head encouragingly, she continued. "The truth is...Draco and I haven't had sex for awhile. I mean...by our twelfth anniversary, it was a pretty stale routine. A couple of kisses, maybe some neck biting. And even before then, it wasn't...oh, what's the word...."

Draco glared at her menacingly, malice all too evident in the silver lines of his eyes. She returned the glare.

"Noteworthy," she finished. Her voice took on an irritatingly casual tone. "I just was never satisfied. And that's probably the reason I was driven to the point of having an affair. Is there anything wrong with wanting a decent sex life? With wanting to be satisfied?"

Draco stared disbelievingly. "How can you tell her that so casually, as if you were asking her for a glass of water?" he asked with disgust in his voice.

"Actually, may I have a glass of water?" she asked, rubbing her throat.

"Why don't you have oral sex too, I'll wait in the car!" Draco exploded savagely.

"Draco," said Dr. Leary, quieting him. "Have you forgiven Hermione for her affair?"

"Look," said Draco, his voice taking on a catlike unctuousness. "It was a long time ago, I'm fine with it."

"Alright, that's a start..." she said, scribbling notes furiously.

"I just don't want to talk about it." Draco finished, his voice suddenly icy.

"Well, what do you want from the marriage?" Dr. Leary pressed on.

"I want to stop talking about it."

"How do you feel about the relationship?"

"Look Dr. Leary," said Draco irritably. "I have everything I need, I'm really a very content person."

"Oh bull shit," said Hermione with disgust. "You're so unhappy you can hardly breathe! And I feel it! In every gesture, in every word you say, and Pandora feels it too! How is it that we are both in the marriage and I'm miserable, but you're content?"

Draco looked at her mockingly, arching his eyebrows. "Luck," he said sarcastically.

"Well, Hermione doesn't have as bad of a life as she makes out," he proclaimed plainly, as if stating the obvious. "Hermione hates to take responsibility, that's all. She lives in her fantasies. Really, lets look at Hermione's miserable life. She lives in a beautiful manor--"

"Which his mother owns!"

"I have a steady business--"

"Which his mother owns!"

"And she has a good business too--"

"Which his mother owns!! We're in servitude to his mother, paying back a loan that she is charging us eighteen percent interest on! Think how many Galleons that we could be spending on groceries but we don't because we have to give them to his mother!" snapped Hermione savagely.

"Now, now..." Dr. Leary adjusted her spectacles, her eyebrows raised at the conflict before her.

"We borrowed money, of course we have to pay it back!" yelled Draco incredulously.

"Oh yeah, because you just had to take out a loan from Satan Mom!" Hermione shouted, rolling her eyes.

"The loan was your idea!" yelled a Draco, a pink tinge coloring his pale face. He half rose from his chair, his eyes showing a familiar glint.

DING!

Dr. Leary had slammed down on the bell, her thin eyebrows narrowed. Her brown eyes flashed as she continued to speak with a superficially calm voice. "Listen. I'm sitting two feet in front of you. I can hear you just fine. Just calm the hell down, talk normally, and we will get through this. Sit."

There was a steely note in her voice that made Hermione and Draco quickly lower themselves into their seats.

"Now, what is the problem at hand?"

"She blames my mother for everything that goes wrong in her life!" exclaimed Draco softly. "And in the meantime, she never finishes anything she starts! For example: Photography courses, Muggle philosophy courses, magic oriented cooking classes--"

"At least I'm going after my dreams!" snapped Hermione hotly with pink in her cheeks.

"As what, someone who takes pictures of catfish to prove the nothingness of being?" retorted Draco. "No wonder Pandora's so confused..."

"Alright. Draco, I have you opinions. Hermione?"

"Okay," said Hermione calmly. "The whole loan thing...Well, he blames me for everything. The loan was a joint decision, and I think that he should take responsibility for it too."

Draco snorted. "Responsibility!" he said with emphasis. "All your talk of handing off responsibility is just why Pandora is how she is."

"You see, now he's blaming me for Pandora. Again! Is it right that he should do that?"

Dr. Leary removed her glasses and clenched her eyes shut. "As I said before," she said irritably, "I am not here to judge or take sides--"

Hermione lost control. "Well, what good are you anyway, you ditz?" she shouted angrily. "If you hadn't been so damn anal, Draco, putting all of your limitations on Pandora, she wouldn't be so void of showing self expression! Really, she is a very intelligent, artistic--"

"Juvenile delinquent!" Draco roared.

"She has very meritful accomplishments--"

"That the Mafia gives scholarships for!"

"Quiet!" roared Dr. Leary, drowning out their voices. She turned to Draco.

"Just what precisely is your problem with your daughter?"

"You see Dr. Leary, six months ago, after her fifteenth birthday, we said that she could get a job. Do you know what she did? She started an escort service for the Slytherin Quidditch team, giving the entire team my mother's phone number!"

"And I still say that getting laid by an eighteen year old Chaser is JUST WHAT SHE NEEDS!!" Hermione roared back, her eyes blazing.

DING! DING! DING!

Dr. Leary stood up, all amusement gone from her face. "Please! Just lower your voices!"

Both Draco and Hermione slammed their arms against the armrests of their chairs, and in unison yelled, "FUCK YOU!!"

"That is it," said Dr. Leary in a murderously soft voice. She took out her wand and pointed it at a globe sitting on the far table of her office. "Mobiliarbus," she whispered, slamming the globe into Draco's stomach. Then she pointed her wand at Hermione and whispered "Cripsilon!" Suddenly there was a sound like a whip cracking and Hermione was bent over, clutching her face as if it were in pain.

"Jesus Christ, you're a family! How can you guys talk to each other like that? I know fucking hit wizards that are more compassionate than you two people!" exclaimed Dr. Leary. "We have no more time. You two will work out these stupid little problems on your own time. I expect you back next week, and if you people are still bitching and moaning, I am going to triple your fee, because then I will at least get my moneys worth!!"

Her gold eyes were flashing and wisps of auburn hair were coming loose from her bun. She strode over to the door, opened it, and pointed outward with her wand.

Hermione and Draco, wasting no time, practically ran out. Dr. Leary slammed the door behind them with a snort of impatience.

Hermione and Draco found Pandora waiting for them at the Three Broomsticks.

"Well, how did it go?" asked Pandora.

"Don't ask," said Hermione shortly.

"It was fine," said Draco sourly.

"Whatever," said Pandora, shrugging.