Addicted to Addiction

For once in my life

Let me do something very bad

Let me be something people don't suspect

Let me make someone sad

Let me do something I'll regret

Let me be a bad boy, too

Let me make you my bad toy

Let me be a mean boy

For you

It's, as far as I can make out through the windows, getting darker. I suppose it's time for everyone to head back to their dormitories and get some sleep. But I can't. Not after what's happened. I want to think. Maybe I want to do more...

I'm walking farther away from everything I once knew. It seems like my legs can't stop moving. The adrenaline from walking is running through my entire body and I like it. I don't want my legs to stop. Let them take me away. Please, let them take me away.

To another life. To another Harry. To another me. Maybe to my future, maybe to my past. To my godfather, to my parents, to somewhere I can find someone who really cares about me.

No, Harry, don't start again, I tell myself for the millionth time. Now I'm telling myself that it'll all be over soon. Soon? Where have I heard that before? I know. In fact, it's the reason that brought me here; brought me thinking and sobbing. That's saying something because I never sob. I'm a boy who needs someone to hold on to. Not a friend, but someone more than that. However, there is no one for me. You know what? I'm glad. I'm glad because, now, I can't hurt others just for caring about me. Not anymore. That's the reason I'm walking away right now. Of course, you would probably call it running away. For me, it is saving my sanity, my life, the other people and my heart. I have to save myself. There are no others left to do that for me. They already died for me so that I could 'save the world', but what's the world for me if I have nobody to share it with?

Screw this world. Screw life. Screw love. Screw me, Harry James Potter. I've never felt so alone before.

***

"You two really should begin with that Potions project. I've been working on it since Monday. And, oh, Ron, leave some pie will you?"

"But, Er-my-knee, its weally goowd!"

"Will you ever grow up, Ron?" said Hermione, who was wearing a vague look of disgust.

It had been the fifth time that day in which Hermione had brought up the subject of the Potions project. She was right, but I knew I would rather be spending my spare time enjoying myself over studying for Snape's classes. I looked up at the head table where Dumbledore was speaking to Lupin. He had been forced to appoint the shabby, greying man again when absolutely no one turned up for the job.

I was happy to hear the news that he'd be teaching us Defence Against the Dark Arts again, but I also knew how much trouble and pain he had to endure once a month. I wished he would get more rest. I hated thinking of him as an incapable man but I wasn't sure if he could handle a full time job. Even an imbecile could see the marks on his face, his filthy robes and his tired eyes; the eyes which grew darker and failed to hide the pain they witheld. Some of the pain in his eyes is for me, he knows what hurts in my heart. He knows it. Selfishly, I was glad he was with me.

"Harry?" Hermione's voice had brought my attention back to my unfinished meal.

"Something wrong, mate? If you don't want your pie anymore, I'll take it!"

"Ron, please!"

"What did I do?"

I loved the way Hermione and Ron argued. I loved the way Hermione looked at Ron, like he was an adorable two year old toddler. That's the way she was looking at him even then. Then her eyes turned to face me, and they were full of concern. That's the way she always looked at me, like I was a psychopath who had lost his teddy bear before blaming the nurse. Excellent combination.

"No, nothing's wrong." I usually said that.

"You're sure?"

No. I had never been less sure in my life. "Yes, Hermione, I'm fine." I was acting like the two year old at that moment. Such conversations always got me nervous, and Hermione must have noticed because she dropped the subject.

After Ron had swallowed his twelfth slice of pie, he spoke. Considering what he'd said, I wasn't quite happy with the silence being broken. "Harry, look! Cho! She's coming this way."

The dance was happening the week after. A growing voice kept persuading me to ask her to go with me.

"Oh."

"Go ask her, this is your chance!"

That's what I had planned to do, but something had stopped me when I was getting up: it was the sight of Malfoy standing in front of me, with an incredibly nasty smirk on his face.

"Malfoy."

"Oh, look who it is. Potter." Malfoy looked around at his two big cronies before continuing with, "where are you off to oh-beloved-one?"

Had I heard correctly? Malfoy and I always exchanged insults in passing, but never had he ever said something as close to being sentimental as 'oh-beloved-one' was, even if it was spoken in a sarcastic tone. I looked around at Ron and Hermione. Ron had dropped his thirteenth slice, which proved my ears correct.

"Lost your tongue, Potter? Found that your luscious lips can't move anymore?" Luscious lips? I was getting extremely worried.

"W-wha-at?" I had tried to sound calm and natural but, of course, that didn't work.

"I was wondering if you'd asked anyone to the dance yet."

Why did he care? "Yes, I have. Maybe. So, if you'd be so kind as to move aside..."

"Who is it?"

I didn't know what had brought on the strange behavior, but I had definitely preferred the old Draco. "None of your business." I pushed Malfoy away and followed Cho to the enormous staircase, leaving a speechless Hermione and Ron behind.

"Ch-Ch-o?" Why did I have to stutter? Couldn't I control myself?

"Hey, Harry! Good to see you."

"Yeah. Well, I, uh, I..." Breathe. "Do you... do you already have...?" I could feel my cheeks getting hotter by the second. "Do you have a date? To the- you know, to the dance?"

"No, I haven't got a date." She smiled at me!

Go on. Ask her! "Oh, Good! I mean, it's not good that you don't have a date. What I meant was-" But I had been cut short by Cho's giggles. Great. I had the strongest urge to bang my head against the nearest wall. "What I meant was, well, would you like to go with me? As my date?"

"I'd love to!" she said, beaming.

"R-really?"

In between her giggles, she managed to say, "yes. Thanks for asking me."

"You're welcome." You're welcome? Couldn't I have said something witty or romantic? Before I could further curse myself on my disgraceful choice of words, Cho had spoken again:

"Can you pick me up at eight?"

"Sure! Where?" So much for the wit and romance, Harry.

"I'll be waiting in the hallway," she replied with arched eyebrows.

"Okay. See you, then." Part of me wished that she would just turn away so that she wouldn't see the stupid Cheshire cat grin on my face.

"Good night, Harry." She got closer and closer.

"Good night." At that point, I remember being able to smell her sweet breath.

"Sleep well." Her lips were so soft. They tasted like-

"Chocolate."

She broke the kiss. "What?" A frown marred her pretty forehead.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just-" But before I could continue my rambling, her lips were on mine once again.

"Good night." Then they were gone.

I dreamily replied my 'good night' and found that I'd missed those lips already.

She walked away and, just when I was going to tell Hermoine and Ron about what had happened, Malfoy appeared right in front of me. Yes, again. I couldn't bear the thought of anybody watching me kissing someone, let alone the thought of Draco seeing it.

"Are you stalking me?"

"Not as slow as you look, are you, Potter?'

"Then you've bad luck."

"No."

"No? Was that his well-thought-out-and-witty remark? "Great comeback, Malfoy. Did you learn that from your Daddy?"

"Oh, very witty, Potter, very witty, indeed, darling," he drawled.

"I think you need to take a visit St. Mungo's," I said derisively.

"Then will you be my healer, Harry?" Malfoy stepped closer to me. His hands left the banister, and his eyes connected with mine. It was weird. No, in fact, it was frightening. And had he called me 'Harry', or was that just my imagination?

"What do you want, Malfoy?" His face was just a few inches away from mine, just like Cho's had been moments earlier. He blew some hot air onto my lips, and I couldn't move. He then smiled at me. Not the smile I'd seen from Cho, but a different kind of smile. Despite myself, I liked it.

Without warning, his hands were on my hips before moving onto my stomach. I couldn't breathe, move or think. Malfoy's job was to taunt me, not to seduce me. Well, that's what his job was before today. Something had obviously changed.

"Kissing-" His (surprisingly warm) hands were on my chest whilst his lips moved along my neck, leaving a wet trail. My lips were caught between his. I felt like the sensation would burn a hole right through me. My whole body felt like it was flying. I was flying. "You," he continued, his tongue dancing with mine. Malfoy was kissing me and I was enjoying every moment of it. What was happening?

I couldn't control myself as my hands explored his body. Quidditch did him well, all those muscles were incredibly sexy.

He placed his hips against mine and, "Oh GOD." I could feel his big, hard-

"All right, Malfoy, you win. You can be friendly, sweet or whatever else." A different voice had spoken, and it brought my thoughts to a halt. It sounded familiar, yet I couldn't quite make out who it belonged to.

Malfoy smirked and turned around to face Blaise Zabini before he said, "I thought so, Blaise."

What the bloody hell was going on?

"I told you even Potter would believe me."

"Yeah, well, lets go, Sweet-Draco-Boy."

"Piss off, Blaise, my cute little rabbit."

"Malfoy, what-?"

He turned his gaze on me, and spoke so softly, so unlike himself, when he said, "Potter, I think I've proven my point. It was a pleasure to kiss you, baby." He smirked and turned his back to me. "Come on, Blaise."

"What?" I was growing quite tired of this. What was he talking about? What point did he prove?

"Don't you get it?" said Zabini, sniggering at me. I didn't like that at all. "Draco, here, was acting 'friendly'."

"No, Blaise, I was acting cute. After all, I am cute."

"No you're not, Draco, you're a dragon. They're not cute."

"But why the hell were you kissing me?"

"Because you're a softie, Potty. I can be mean and cute - okay, Blaise, friendly. But you? Well, you acting mean? Don't think so. The Boy-Who-Lived-" He paused for second before- "no, wait! The-Cute-Boy-Who-Lost-Everyone-Who-Cared-About-Him. Perhaps because he was too cute! Now, Blaise, where's my money for the you-know-what? I think I need some more."

"You'll get it when we're back in the dormitories. Can we go now? You still have to prove it on four other people."

"But, Malfoy, friendly? Was that friendly Malfoy?"

I thought it was something special. Wasn't it?

"Yes, Potter, it was me. The friendly me."

"Yeah right, Draco, why aren't you that friendly with me, then?"

"Because, Blaise, kissing you is a depressing thing."

"And kissing Potter isn't?"

"No, that's a mission. A mission to prove that he'll jump on everyone who lets him see they care about him. Now, let's go."

"Malfoy! Wait!"

"Wait for what?"

"First of all, I do not jump on everyone! And... I can be mean."

"Oh, really?"

"I can!"

"Prove it then, Potter." His lips curled into a smirk.

"All right, let's switch attitudes." As if I believed that possible myself.

"Let's what?"

"Let's switch our characters. I'll be you, you'll be me."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

I privately agreed. Incredibly, I had agreed with something Malfoy had said for the first time in my life. I silently hoped it would be the last time, too. I was definitely losing my sanity. "Well, if I can pull it off, you have to run naked through the school corridors, Malfoy."

"Fine. And if you can't? Then you will do everything I say. Obey me, unconditionally, and bring us some of the you-know-what. Deal?"

"Deal." Shit, I hadn't quite heard that correctly at first. What did he mean by 'you-know-what'?

"Another bet. I will win this one too, Potter, just you wait. You obeying me, now that's a thought."

"Draco, please!" Zabini's eyes were widening in shock. "I just don't want to think about you and Potter doing-"

I had cut him off before he could continue by saying, "and I can't wait to see you naked." I felt my face getting hot at what I had, unbelievably, just said.

"Merlin, what a comforting thought, Potter. Good luck with the Ravenclaw. I hope she liked seeing us kissing so very passionately."

I found out what he was talking about as I turned around, and saw a shocked Cho. Had she seen everything? Why did everyone seem to be stalking me?

"Goodbye, Potter. Come, Blaise. Let's see if Snape will believe me, too."

"Oh, the joy. Trust me, you will not have to kiss him."

"Pity."

They had left. I stood, staring at Cho, wordless. She stared back at me, wearing a bewildered expression, and my face felt like it was going to burn from the intense heat.

"Harry? Why did you kiss him?"

"I-I didn't, he kissed me."

"But you didn't refuse." Tears were rolling down her smooth cheeks. I didn't want to hurt her, but it was too late.

"I couldn't-"

"Is he right, then?"

I scratched my head in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"That you... you jump on everyone who likes you?"

"No! No I, I-"

"Then why were you kissing Malfoy? After we had kissed!"

"I don't know."

"I thought so. He's right. I'm just one of the millions who you jump on. I'll see you around."

With that, she ran off and left me alone. I had hurt her. I had already acted the way I had promised to act: self-absorbed. I let Malfoy kiss me. Why? Because it felt good? But what about the kiss with Cho? Well, to be fair, it definitely wasn't as good as the one with Malfoy. But... Why? Why had Malfoy said that I throw myself on everyone who cares about me?

I had to get out of the hallway. Where to, though? I couldn't go after Cho. Maybe she was right. Malfoy was right. They both were. I do connect myself too soon. Why? Because I have no one. I'm desperate for affection. There's no one who really cares about me. Ron and Hermione? They don't care about me either. Not really. We're just friends.

I couldn't bare the thought of having to face them after. I had kissed Cho and Malfoy. Sooner or later, though, I'd have to face them. What would I say or do?

What happened with Malfoy? My enemy. Why did I let this happen? Did I not like Cho in that way, anymore? Was I just not attracted to girls? I hated feeling so confused and angry with myself. Why is nothing ever easy?

***

So, here I am. Confused and running away. I don't know how I finally reached my bed. I think, before I dropped off, I heard Ron saying things about Zabini, Malfoy and a pissed off Snape. I drove them out of my mind. Maybe I was asleep, and it was all just a nightmare.

However, I kept thinking about one thing: can I, for once, not be me? For once in my life, can I be something people don't want me to be? So that they won't like me, hurt me and then run away from me? Why do I have to hurt people who care for me? My parents, Sirius, Cedric and, now, Cho. Why am I who I am?