Little red riding hood

Little red riding hood

Once upon a time there was a girl known as little red riding hood. Her real name was Virginia Weasley, but we'll pay no attention to that.

One day little red riding hood's mother, Molly Weasley, informed little red riding hood that she should go to granny with a basket of sweets. Little red riding hood didn't really want to go, because granny was rather bossy, but knew better than to protest.

So little red riding hood took the basket and skipped into the forest, which she could have avoided by following a trail that went around it. But little red riding hood was too busy thinking about her diary, which also laid in the basket, and her hero Harry Potter, to even notice it.

After brutally murdering a couple of flowers by picking them for her own pleasure (never mind that she threw them away a couple of steps later) she saw something adorable. It was a beautiful grey wolf, a bit large for a regular wolf, but since little red riding hood didn't know a thing about wolves she didn't notice. Little red riding hood had, however, been taught that wolves are evil creatures who kills humans if they get a chance (her parents had completely ignored the fact that it was more of the other way around) so she was a bit suspicious.

"Hello," said the wolf politely.

"Hello," said little red riding hood, praying for her pitiful life.

"My name is Remus Lupin," said the wolf and smiled.

Little red riding hood looked doubtingly at the wolf.

"I'm Ginny, but most people call me little red riding hood."

The wolf nodded in reply, not wanting to be rude and run away. He had heard of many things about this little red riding hood. She was apparently not only foolish, but fed full of prejudges (him being a generally looked down at minority didn't help a whole lot), plus he couldn't help but see some similarities with a girl, Myrtle, who he had once knew (not a pleasant acquaintance either, for that matter).

The wolf, being the responsible wolf he was, got a bit worried about the girl and decided to point out the dangers of walking around in the forest alone.

"What are you doing walking around in the forest all alone like this?" he asked.

"I'm going to visit my granny," said little red riding hood, eyeing the wolf carefully.

"Oh?" said the wolf, trying to ignore the way she looked at him. "But should you really go through the forest doing so? There is a path that goes around it, which is much safer."

Little red riding hood blinked. After deciding that the wolf was trying to trick her she looked around and found that she was alone. Having been so deep in 'thought' she had not noticed the wolf offering to follow her to her granny, nor his goodbye an hour later after getting no response.

Little red riding hood blinked, surprised that the wolf hadn't tried to kill her and left her safe and sound. This didn't affect the way she looked at wolves anyway, so the wolf's efforts to be polite and kind were all in vain.

Little red riding hood shrugged and trotted off, trampling a couple of innocent flowers and crushing the defenseless bugs on them because she didn't feel like walking on the path.

A half-hour later she got to her granny. Little red riding hood had now forgot what to do and checked the script.

After finding that the wolf was supposed to have eaten granny and would now be wearing her clothes being ready to eat her, she giggled and trotted into the cabin.

"Hello, granny!" said little red riding hood happily.

Silence.

Little red riding hood frowned and walked into the bedroom, finding granny looking very embarrassed, in the a bit too big gown, lying in bed.

"I said, hello granny!" little red riding hood repeated in a disgustingly perky tone and put down the basket on the table.

"Hrm, hello child," answered the wolf and corrected the gown, which poor fit should have given him away.

"I brought you some sweets," said little red riding hood and pulled out a bottle of vodka to show granny.

The wolf frowned. No, he really didn't approve of this child's parents at all.

"That's nice dear," he said and forced a smile.

Little red riding hood put down the bottle and looked at granny.

"My, your eyes are big," said little red riding hood, being the rude child she was.

"That's so I will see you better," answered the wolf, batting his eyelashes.

"My, your nose is big," said little red riding hood in her bad manners.

There was a pause.

"Is it?" the wolf picked up a mirror to check.

"Well, it's not that big," little red riding hood corrected herself, because it really wasn't.

"Do you think I need a nose job?" the wolf frowned, without looking at little red riding hood.

"No, no granny, it must have been the light. It's fine, really," said little red riding hood, not wanting any of granny's money to be spent on anything else but her.

"Oh," the wolf put down the mirror again and turned to little red riding hood again. "Where were we?"

After running through the script little red riding hood cleared her throat.

"Oh, granny, what big teeth you have!" she stated.

"Why do you keep saying those kinds of things?!" the wolf exclaimed and picked up the mirror again. "Don't you know you hurt people's feelings?"

"I'm sorry, granny," said little red riding hood, suddenly noticing that her granny looked nothing like she had used to. "How about big mouth?"

"Better, I guess," the wolf sighed and put down the mirror again. "Let's try it again, shall we?"

Little red riding hood nodded.

"Oh, what a big mouth you have!"

"That's so I'll eat you better," laughed the wolf, forcedly, and leaped out of bed, gown now sliding half way down his shoulders.

"But I'm underage!" squeaked little red riding hood, surprised.

There was a long pause.

"Eat you. As in devouring you whole," said the wolf and corrected the gown.

"Oh," said little red riding hood, blushing.

There was another long pause as they looked at each other.

"How old are you?" said the wolf, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

"Eleven," said little red riding hood.

"And where did you learn about oral sex?" said the wolf in a very stern tone.

"Tom showed me," said little red riding hood, turning eight shades of red.

"Tom?" the wolf narrowed his eyes. "Tom who?"

"Tom Riddle," said little red riding hood, while trying to avoid making eye contact.

"I think we will have to have a little talk with your parents," said the wolf, attempting to lead little red riding hood out of the cabin and take her home.

"But they will be furious!" little red riding hood protested, refusing to move.

The wolf sighed deeply and was just about to say something when the door flung open, and a tall, black haired man stormed in, carrying an ax. Little red riding hood squeaked in horror and hid herself behind the wolf, forgetting that the wolf was the real bad guy for a moment.

The tall man lowered his ax, looking surprised at little red riding hood.

"I'm here from the department of Disposal of Dangerous Creatures," the man stated. "Why is the girl still alive? I thought you were supposed to eat her and then I'd kill you."

He pulled out a script, trying to find where they were.

"It's changed, McNair," said the wolf, impatiently waving his paw. "The author is against any form of cruelty towards animals, especially wolves, but that's not the point."

"Oh," said McNair, rather surprised. "And granny? I suppose she is still alive."

"Oh, yes," said the wolf and opened the closet to reveal granny, looking rather cold without her gown, obviously displeased with the situation. "Couldn't eat her as you would then have to kill me, thus murdering a poor innocent wolf, forcing the author to kill you."

"Remus!" hissed granny, blushing furiously. "May I please have my gown back?"

"Oh, certainly," the wolf pulled of the gown and handed it to her. "I'm sorry, Minerva."

"So," said McNair, leaning on his ax. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"Well," the wolf picked up his script. "A tall, dark stranger in a dog collar will come and take me away any second now and..."

Through the wide open door a tall, dark man with a dog collar around his neck walked in and swooped up the wolf in his arms. Little red riding hood fainted at the sight of this, being so terribly homophobic that she was, luckily McNair saw this coming and rushed forward. Unfortunately he didn't spot it in time and little red riding hood hit the floor with a sickening thud.

Not that anyone really cared as both granny and McNair at that moment realized that they were meant to be and were off to live happily ever after just a couple of seconds later. The wolf and Hagrid were at the same time riding off into the sunset on a Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Little red riding hood woke up a couple of hours later and consulted Tom in the matter. They finally agreed that it was for the best, as nobody would tell her parents what kinds of things really were going on in the secret chambers of Hogwarts.